The Way We Were (10 page)

Daddy’s been gone for fifty-nine days, seven hours and forty-seven minutes. He left in October and now it’s December. In one way it feels long but in another it feels like no time at all.

Mummy hardly speaks. Kevin said it’s just her way of coping. ‘I know she seems a bit detached but she’s still here for you guys.’

I looked up the word ‘detach’ in the dictionary. Detach = disconnect, disengage, remove, separate, undo. It’s exactly what Mummy is now. She’s detached from everything. It’s like she’s there, as in her body is there, but her mind has gone somewhere else.

I hear her walking around at night. Sometimes I follow her. She just walks around the house touching things, like the photos of her and Daddy getting married or the painting he bought for her birthday. She mumbles to herself. I can’t really make out what she’s saying, but I’ve heard her say, ‘Bad luck … follows me … I’m cursed … How can I do this alone? … Scared … Why, Ben, why?’

Every morning Kevin wakes her up, then pulls her out of bed and into the shower. I can hear him through the wall. He says, ‘You have to get up for the girls.’ He tells her that she can’t ‘fall apart’ because me and Jools need her. He says if she stays in bed she’ll never get up again. He says she has to ‘face reality’. Then sometimes, when she starts crying, he
soothes her – ‘I’m here, sis,’ and ‘When they’re in school, you can go back and pull the covers over your head.’

On the days when she just won’t get up, it’s kind of easier. When Mum’s there, we all try extra hard to be ‘normal’, but it’s so fake. When she’s not there, Jools and I don’t have to pretend. Kevin lets us cry or talk about Dad or just say nothing.

Kevin makes us breakfast now. He insists on giving us fresh fruit, yogurt and muesli. He says it’s good for our brains and will give us beautiful bodies and beautiful skin. Jools said she already has beautiful skin. Kevin said that she’s a teenager so she might get spots: she needs to stay away from processed food and to clean her face every night.

Jools said that Donna in her class has suddenly got loads of spots and a hairy lip and that she looks really ugly. She said it’s because of Donna’s raging hormones, and some teenagers get spots and a hairy lip.

I was a bit scared because I’d never heard about hairy lips and I didn’t want to end up with a moustache.

Kevin said that Donna was unlucky and that some girls did get spots and hairy lips, but that there was lots of things you could do for the hairiness, like waxing or threading.

I asked what threading was and he said it was when they pull your hairs out with two pieces of string. I asked if it hurt, and Kevin said you have to suffer for beauty. He said he gets his eyebrows threaded, and that after the first few times, it was okay.

Jools said that Harry Upton told her she could still end up with a really hairy lip because she has tanned skin, and girls with tanned skin are hairier. Kevin said that Harry is a ‘gobshite’ who hasn’t got a clue about anything. He said some girls with tanned skin are hairy and some aren’t. He said that Jools won’t get a big hairy lip because she doesn’t have hairy
legs. He said the girls with hairy legs will most likely end up with hairy lips.

I checked my legs under the table and, thank goodness, they’re not hairy.

Jools asked Kevin to write her another note for not doing her homework and Kevin said this was the last time. He said Daddy wouldn’t be happy if Jools wasn’t trying in school. Jools looked like she was going to cry and she said it wasn’t fair because her homework was really hard and she didn’t have Mummy or Daddy to help her with it, like she used to.

Kevin gave her a hug and said he was sorry, that he’d been so busy minding Mummy and us that he had forgotten about the homework. He said he’d ask Nora to come in for a few extra hours after school so he could help her. I said I’d help her too, but Jools shouted at me that I was just showing off and she didn’t want a squirt in year six helping her with her year-eleven homework.

Kevin asked me if I was okay doing my homework on my own. I said yes. I didn’t tell him that I got two spellings wrong last week. I’m still shocked. I never get spellings wrong. I was really upset and Miss Robinson said I wasn’t to worry, that I’d had a big trauma. But I am worried. I’m worried that Daddy dying has affected my brain. I get muddled sometimes and the letters all jumble together. It’s really bothering me because English is what I’m best at, along with maths, and it’s my favourite subject.

Jools didn’t tell Kevin about the trouble she’s in at school. She hit Sally Geoff on the back of her legs with her hockey stick. Everyone was talking about it. Sally went around showing everyone the red marks and someone said her parents were really cross about it.

Jools told me that the headmistress, Mrs Kennedy, was very nice to her. She said Mrs Kennedy was very cross with
Sally when Jools told her that Sally had said Daddy wasn’t a hero, like Jools was telling everyone. Sally said that Daddy was an idiot. She said everyone knew Eritrea was really dangerous and that Daddy was looking for trouble.

Jools said she was so angry, she just lashed out and hit Sally. She said she used all her strength because she wanted to hurt her.

‘I wanted her to know what it feels like to be in pain,’ Jools said. She was crying when she told me. ‘I wanted that stupid, smug bitch to hurt like I do, all the time, every day.’

Jools was lucky that Mrs Kennedy was kind about it because Sally’s dad is a judge and puts people in prison all the time. We decided not to tell Kevin about it. He’s trying so hard to keep everything going at home and look after us all – he doesn’t need to have to worry about Jools going to prison for violence.

Luckily, Mrs Kennedy took Jools’s side and told Sally’s parents that she wasn’t going to bother Mummy with any of this nonsense and that both girls had to apologize to each other and that was the end of it.

Jools told me Sally’s dad said it was a ‘disgrace’ and that ‘Violence is unacceptable under any circumstances.’ Mrs Kennedy said that the circumstances were ‘tragic and extremely traumatic’ and that she didn’t want to hear any more about ‘the matter’.

I’m really glad because I couldn’t bear it if Jools went to prison. She’s the only person I can talk to about Daddy. She’s the only person who knows how bad the pain really is.

Alice stared at the department-store window. The elves were picking up brightly wrapped gifts and passing them to each other. Santa Claus sat in the corner, nodding deeply every thirty seconds. Mothers and children oohed and aahed at the display.

Christmas, thought Alice. How the hell could it be Christmas already? One minute she was a happily married mother and now she was a widow, staring down the barrel of a Christmas with no husband. She knew she had to go inside and buy presents for the girls, but her feet wouldn’t move. It was as if her legs were made of lead. She stood staring but seeing nothing as people bustled by, full of Christmas cheer, bumping her with their shopping bags.

Alice loved Christmas. Since she’d had children it had become her favourite time of the year. She had loved the magic of seeing the girls waking up to stockings full of gifts and the wonder in their eyes as they opened the presents beside the fireplace.

Alice remembered five-year-old Jools shouting into the letterbox as she posted her letter to Santa, ‘Thank you, Santa, you are a very kind man.’

This year Jools, who normally asked for a long list of presents, had asked for nothing. Holly had asked if maybe ‘Santa could make the pain of losing Daddy a bit less awful’. Alice
had held her tightly and tried very, very hard not to fall apart. The pain of Ben’s death was still excruciating.

Every morning it took her breath away. She still wasn’t sleeping. Kevin thought she should take tablets, but Alice was reluctant to do so. She didn’t want to wake up groggy in the mornings. Kevin pointed out that she was like a zombie anyway and some pills might actually make her less groggy. What Alice really wanted to do was sleep for a year and wake up when the pain in her chest was bearable and she didn’t feel like weeping all the time.

Kevin came out of Debenhams and handed her a bag.

‘Jools’s present is in here. I’ll get Holly’s tomorrow. Now, come on, stop staring into space – you’ll scare the kids.’

Hooking his arm into his sister’s, he drew her away from the window and towards home.

When they arrived at the front door, Kevin kissed her cheek. ‘I’ll see you tomorrow.’

Alice immediately felt panicked. ‘What do you mean? Where are you going?’

Kevin tied his scarf around his neck. ‘I’ve got a date.’

‘But – but I need you to help me.’

‘No, Alice, you don’t. You need to be with your kids and stop hiding in bed or in the shower or pretending you’re working on your computer. You need to sit down and talk to them. I’ve been with you every minute of every day for ten weeks. I need a night off.’

Alice blinked back tears. ‘Of course. You’re right. I just … Will you come in for ten minutes?’

Kevin shook his head. ‘No. Nora’s in there getting dinner ready. She’ll be wanting to go home now. Alice, I love you and I’m here for you, but you need to stand on your own two feet. Your girls need their mum back. They’re struggling and
the only person who can make them feel better is you. Now I’m going. As I said, I have a very hot date and I’m badly in need of a drink.’

‘But I –’

Kevin reached around her and opened the front door. ‘You have to get it together, Alice. Tomorrow is your first day back at work and I need you to be alert and look like you’re in control. You’re only seeing eight patients. I’ll make sure no one stays more than twenty minutes. I’m going to ease you back into it. But you have to try to engage with them, Alice. You need your job, you need the money. If you stare at your patients the way you’re staring at me, they’ll go to another GP.’

Alice bit her lip. ‘I’m trying, Kevin.’

Kevin took her gloved hand in his. ‘I know you are and I know I’m being harsh, but I’m doing it for you and the girls. I’ve done everything I can to hold it together, but your daughters need you, Alice. You have to come back to them. Jools is struggling really badly in school and I’m trying to help her but I can’t figure out the maths. And Holly is like a lost puppy. She follows you around all the time but you barely even notice her. I’m sorry, but you have to snap out of it.’

Alice nodded, but inside she was screaming –
You don’t know what it’s like to lose the love of your life. You don’t know what it’s like to have your daughters’ father blown up on some dirt road in Africa. You don’t know what it’s like to lose your best friend in the world, the person who understood you better than anyone else.
But she said none of it because she knew that, without Kevin, they wouldn’t have made it. He had been wonderful and, deep down, Alice knew she’d been neglecting her children and her patients. She didn’t want to face reality because reality was terrifying.

She threw her arms around her brother’s neck. ‘I’m sorry, Kevin. I know I’ve been sleep-walking these last weeks. It’s
just so hard. I promise to make more of an effort, and thank you. Really, thank you.’

‘You’re welcome and, let’s not forget, you saved me when Mum and Dad died and I got lost in drink and drugs. I guess we’re even.’

Alice watched her brother walk away. She knew he was right. She had checked out of life since Ben died. Having Kevin around had allowed her to fall to pieces. She took a deep breath and walked into the house.

Nora was waiting for her. She had her coat on. The girls were nowhere to be seen. ‘There’s a cottage pie in the oven. It’s almost ready. Is Kevin not with you?’

‘He’s gone on a date,’ Alice said.

‘Good for him. He needs a night off. He’s worn out looking after you all. He’s a good man, that Kevin. To be honest, I always thought the gays were a bit self-centred, you know, because they don’t have kids. Mind you, that Ricky Martin has children, but you know what I mean. Your Kevin is a very kind man. He’s been keeping those girls going, but they need their mother, Alice. I know your heart is broken, but so are theirs.’

Alice frowned. Why was everyone telling her off? It wasn’t as if she hadn’t got out of bed since Ben had died. She had been with the girls every day. ‘I don’t think I’ve been a bad mother,’ she said tightly.

‘Don’t get shirty with me, Alice. I’m only telling you the truth. I never said you’d been a bad mother. You’ve just been overwhelmed with your grief and wrapped up in your own world. I know you give the girls hugs and you try to put on a brave face, but you’re not talking to them.’

‘Yes, I am! I had a long conversation with Holly yesterday about the book she’s reading.’

‘What’s the name of it?’

Alice thought. ‘I … It’s … I can’t remember now but –’

‘But nothing. That’s the point. You’re not present – they can’t reach you. You need to talk to them about their father. They need to be able to cry and talk about how much they miss him. The poor things are trying to be brave for you, but their little hearts are crushed.’

‘I’m trying, Nora.’ Alice fought back tears. ‘I just miss him so much.’

‘I know, pet, I know you do. But I think you’ll find if you really talk to the girls you’ll feel closer to them and you’ll help each other.’ Nora handed Alice a tissue. ‘Now, wipe your eyes. Go up there and tell them you want to know how they really feel. Jools is like a different girl – all the light has gone out in her. You need to try to get it back. Motherhood isn’t easy, Alice. It’s a lifetime commitment. Now, off you go.’

Nora shooed Alice up the stairs as she headed out of the door.

Alice stood outside Jools’s bedroom door. She knocked gently.

‘Piss off, Holly.’

‘It’s me,’ Alice said. She turned the handle but the door was locked.

‘Sorry, hold on a minute,’ Jools called.

Alice could hear her daughter moving around inside. Jools opened the door looking a bit flushed.

‘Why was it locked?’ Alice asked.

‘Because Holly keeps coming in and annoying me.’

‘Are you all right?’

‘I’m fine.’

Alice put her hand on her daughter’s arm and looked into her eyes, Ben’s eyes. ‘No, I mean are you really all right?’

Jools flung herself down on her bed. ‘Uhm, let me see – father blown up in landmine bomb, mother like a zombie, schoolwork a disaster … I’ve been better.’

‘I’m sorry if I’ve been like a … zombie.’ Alice flinched at the word. ‘I’ve been wrapped up in my own grief and I haven’t been there for you. I’m so sorry, Jools. I promise from now on I’ll be a proper mother again.’

Jools shrugged. ‘ ’S okay, you don’t have to beat yourself up.’

‘You must really miss him – you were so close. He adored you, Jools. He thought you were just wonderful.’

Jools wrapped her arms around herself. ‘I always felt he was the only person in the world who really got me,’ she said, as tears formed in her eyes.

Alice went over and sat beside her. ‘Jools, I think you’re amazing too.’

‘It’s different. Daddy and I had a connection. I always felt so good when I was with him, like I was special. Now I just feel stupid and pointless.’

Alice threw her arms around her daughter. ‘You are wonderful and special and beautiful.’

‘And funny sometimes,’ Holly said, appearing in the doorway.

Alice reached her arm out for Holly, who ran over and snuggled into her mother’s side. ‘I’m going to be here for you properly from now on. I promise.’

‘I really missed you, Mummy,’ Holly said, crying into Alice’s shoulder.

‘I know, sweetie, I’m so sorry. I missed Daddy so much I couldn’t really function and it wasn’t fair on you guys, or Kevin. But things are going to change now. I’ll be stronger.’

They sat in comfortable silence, each lost in her own thoughts.

‘Mum?’ Jools said. ‘What are we going to do about Christmas?’

‘I’m going to spoil you rotten.’

‘Does that mean I can have a new iPad?’ Jools asked.

‘No.’

‘I preferred you when you were a zombie.’

The next morning, after dropping the girls off at school, Alice drove to the surgery for her first day back at work.

She was shaking when she walked through the door, but Kevin was waiting for her with a coffee and a croissant. She kissed him. ‘Thank you – for absolutely everything. I talked to the girls last night – Jools and I even had a little argument. Everything is much more normal.’

‘Brilliant! I’m delighted to hear that.’

‘How was your date?’

Kevin smiled from ear to ear. ‘Amazing, actually. Cocktails, dancing, laughter and sex.’

‘That’s about as good as it gets,’ Alice said, with a grin.

‘He’s a really nice guy. I’m seeing him tomorrow. We’re going to the movies.’

‘Good for you.’ Alice squeezed his arm.

‘God, Alice, it is so good to see you … well … being more like yourself.’

Alice could feel the brittleness at the centre of her, which threatened to snap and shatter at any moment, leaving her helpless again. But she couldn’t let Kevin see that. She managed a smile. ‘I’m not sure how long it’s going to last, so let’s get to it.’

She sat in her consulting room, waiting for her first patient. Her legs were shaking under the desk, but she felt more clear-headed than she had in months. She was determined to
try to get her life back on track. She had to. She had no choice. She was a single parent with bills to pay.

Kevin came in. ‘First patient is Larry Johns. He says it’s personal!’

‘What?’ Alice cried.

‘He’s coming in as a patient, I promise.’

‘Are you sure?’

‘Yes, I double-checked. He’s not trying to foist new products on you.’

Larry Johns was a drugs rep who drove Alice nuts. He was very difficult to like. He was one of those very average-looking men whose mother told him he was God’s gift to life every day and he believed it. He thought he was the hottest thing to walk the earth.

He came into the surgery regularly to promote new drugs and was always trying to take Alice out for lunch or a drink. She always said no, but Larry was not a man to give up easily. He had the skin of a rhinoceros. Eventually, Alice had instructed Kevin to block him from seeing her. Nowadays, when Larry strutted into the clinic, he got stonewalled by Kevin.

‘It’s my first day back – I thought you were going to ease me into it and I can’t stand Larry,’ Alice said. ‘I bet you it’s just his way of getting me to see him so he can try to force me to go out with him.’

Kevin held up his hand. ‘I thought that might be the case, so I quizzed him but he assured me that it was medical. He said it’s urgent and he sounded very distressed.’

‘Okay, send him in.’ Alice buttoned her cardigan and made sure her skirt was pulled down over her knees. Mind you, she thought, I look so awful, these days, not even Larry would try it on.

Kevin showed Larry to the door and Alice stood up to greet him. He looked worse than she did. Something was definitely wrong.

‘Alice,’ he said, walking towards her with his hand outstretched. Puzzled, Alice shook it. This wasn’t Larry’s normal style. ‘I’m so sorry for your loss. Read it in the papers. Terrible thing to happen.’

Alice was so taken aback, she couldn’t reply. She stood there with her mouth open, her hand still locked in his. She hadn’t considered that patients would know about Ben and want to mention it. Yes, it had been in the papers, but it still felt so private. She had to fight the urge to wrench her hand away and run out of the consulting room, out of the surgery and hide under her duvet at home.

‘Thank you, Larry,’ she finally managed. ‘Now, down to business. How can I help you?’

She lowered herself into her chair, her mind still reeling, but her face giving nothing away.

Larry sat down and leant forward across the desk. He smelt of stale cigarettes. Alice sat further back in her chair. Clearly the niceties were over.

‘Well, the thing is, I had an encounter with a young lady from the office. You know how it is, Friday-night drinks and one thing leads to another. Anyway, she was all over me like a cheap suit, fancies the arse off me. They all do, and generally I try to let them down gently. I’m a married man, after all. But I’d had one too many and we shagged. Turns out the cow has chlamydia.’

‘I see.’ Alice had to fight the urge to smile.

‘The thing is, if my wife finds out, she’ll cut my dick off. She always said her heroine is that Lorena Bobbitt. You know – the one who cut her husband’s off and threw it out the window when she found out he was cheating on her?’