The Way We Were (18 page)

Declan put his face up close to Ben’s and roared, ‘Ten more! Now, come on, you can do it.’

Ben gritted his teeth and pushed up with all of his might. His whole body was shaking, but he was determined to reach his goal. The pain in his arms was excruciating but he kept going.

‘… and ten. Yes!’ Declan punched the air. ‘Well done, mate.’

Ben lay on the ground gasping for air, sweat pouring down his face. ‘You’re going to kill me,’ he groaned.

‘Nope, I’m going to get you into tip-top shape. You were skin and bone after that bout of gastro. Now you’re almost as well built as me.’

Ben looked at his arms: they were almost back to normal. The gastroenteritis had left him weak for ages. He’d been frightened by it. He’d felt death very close by. Declan had literally dragged him back to life – he’d never forget his friend’s devotion and kindness. ‘You’re a bloody slave driver,’ he said, grinning.

‘I might give up surgery and open a gym when I get back to London. Imagine all those fit birds coming to me for one-on-one sessions in their tight Lycra gear … Ooh.’

Ben laughed. ‘I’m not sure you’d be able to concentrate on the fitness.’

‘God, I need to get laid badly. The first woman I meet
when I get out of here is getting it. I don’t care what she looks like. I just need sex!’

‘I know how you feel.’

‘Lucky Alice.’ Declan winked. ‘She’s in for a good time.’

Ben smiled and closed his eyes, remembering for the millionth time the last night of passion they’d had. He could see Alice’s naked body, feel her skin, smell her hair … God, he missed her. The nights were the worst – he ached for her. He longed to touch her, talk to her, laugh with her.

‘Hey.’ Declan nudged him. ‘Up you get. We have to teach Segen, Feven and Almaz wound management and suturing.’

‘I’m going to try to persuade Awate to let us teach basic surgical procedures to Yonas. He wants to learn – he’s keen.’

Declan rolled his eyes. ‘Jesus, Ben, let it go. Awate says no every time. You’re just going to wind him up.’

‘If we can teach Yonas how to look after the men, we’re no longer needed.’

‘When are you going to get it into your thick head? They’re not going to let us go, Ben. If we’re no longer useful, they’ll shoot us and bury us in this God-forsaken place.’

‘They might let us go if we help them to help themselves.’

‘Awate doesn’t want Yonas to learn. You’ve asked him fifty times. The only way we’re going to get out of here is by escaping.’

Ben sighed. They would soon have been there two years. He couldn’t bear the idea of spending a third year in captivity. Every time he thought about it he had a panic attack. They were getting worse and wearing him down. They came over him at night, when darkness fell and his mind wandered. During the day he could control his thinking by keeping busy, but at night his demons reared up and ate him alive.

Declan paced the room, like a caged tiger. ‘I get the feeling
they’re gearing up for another attack. That’s the time to go. When the men are off fighting and there are only a few lads left here to guard us. We could overpower them, take their guns and go while the others are fighting. I think it’s the best shot we have.’

Ben nodded. ‘You’re right.’

Declan looked shocked. ‘What? You’re not going to try to talk me out of it? You’re not going to tell me all the things that could go wrong or how we don’t know where we are or where to run to?’

Ben shook his head. ‘I can’t do this any more. Jools turns eighteen next month. I can’t miss another birthday. I’d rather die than stay here.’

Declan came over and clasped his shoulders. ‘That’s exactly the way I feel. Let’s do it, Ben. Let’s get the hell out of here.’

Segen handed Biniam to Ben. He sat him on his lap and sang ‘Incy Wincy Spider’ to the little boy, who stared at him with his huge brown eyes, giggling hysterically when Ben tickled him under the chin.

To their left, in the shade of a tree, the older children were attending school. The teacher leant his blackboard against the trunk of the tree.

Biniam and Ben had a special bond. Ben had monitored Biniam very closely for the first few months of his life. He was small and slow to grow, but in the last three months he had thrived. He looked healthy now. He was underweight, as all the children were, but he was full of energy and curiosity.

Biniam held up his arms and Ben cuddled him, the baby’s soft cheek against his. Feelings of anguish and love poured through him. He remembered Jools and Holly at this baby
age. He would sit them on his lap, sing silly songs to them and pull faces to make them laugh. He ached to hold his girls again.

Holly was thirteen now, a teenager already, and Jools almost eighteen. God, he’d missed so much. Had they changed? He knew they would have. Losing their father at such a young age would have changed them, too. He hoped they were all right. He had faith in Alice. She would be there for them, helping them with their grief, watching over them like the mother hen she was.

But what about Alice? Who was she leaning on? He supposed Kevin would have been a rock to her. Thank God she had him. Ben tried not to let his mind go to that other place, but it did: had Alice met someone else? Had she moved on?

He wondered if the situation were reversed, if he thought she was dead, would he have moved on by now? How long would it take to get over the death of someone you loved? Ben rubbed his eyes to push away thoughts of Alice with another man.

Alice was so loyal and loving. She’d been so proud and protective of their little family. After her parents had died, she had become obsessed with family, closeness and being together. She’d done such a great job, creating a lovely home and raising two beautiful and very special girls – Ben should have told her so more often. He should have praised her more. He should have been more present. He had been a selfish git.

‘If I … No. When I get home, I’ll be the best bloody husband and father in the world. Please, God, just get me home alive,’ he prayed.

Biniam wriggled in his lap. Ben threw him up in the air and caught him. Biniam screeched with glee. Yonas walked by and laughed. He came and sat beside Ben. Biniam held his
hands out to his father. Ben passed him over and Yonas took his son onto his knee. ‘He’s doing really well,’ Ben said. ‘He’s a healthy boy.’

‘Healthy, yes.’ Yonas smiled. ‘You good man, Doctor Ben. You help me and Segen and Biniam.’

‘You’re lucky you have your family beside you. I have two daughters I want to see. I haven’t seen them in almost two years. I am very sad, Yonas.’

Yonas said nothing. Segen watched them from where she was cooking.

Ben paused. ‘Maybe one day you can help me to see my children again.’

Yonas averted his eyes. ‘Awate is leader. He say you stay.’

Ben put a hand on Yonas’s arm. ‘I need to see my children. I need to see my wife.’

Segen said something to Yonas. He replied to her, shaking his head. ‘Awate is leader,’ he repeated.

Ben stood up slowly. ‘I saved your wife and your baby, Yonas. Don’t forget that.’

As he walked away, he heard Segen and Yonas arguing with each other.

Ben was approaching the operating theatre to help Declan scrub it down in their constant battle to keep it as clean and hygienic as possible when he heard a blood-curdling scream. He spun around to see Nebay hurtling towards him carrying his son, who was bleeding profusely.

Declan came running out and they rushed to Nebay. The boy had stepped on a landmine.

‘Come on, let’s get him inside. Quickly.’ Ben led Nebay to the tent and helped him lay the boy on the operating table.

Nebay kissed his son’s face and spoke to him in reassuring tones. Ben glanced up at Declan, who was biting his lower lip as he cut through the boy’s trousers.

Nebay’s wife came running into the room and shrieked when she saw her son. Ben tried to hide the gap where the boy’s legs used to be. Yonas came in to see if he could help. Ben indicated that he had to get Nebay and his wife out so they could work on the boy.

Yonas understood and talked to them softly, asking them to wait outside. The bleeding was profuse. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn’t save the child. The injuries were too severe. They tried stemming the blood-flow, but it was like trying to stop a dam with a plaster.

‘He’s gone,’ Ben said quietly. ‘There was nothing we could do.’

‘To hell with this.’ Declan cursed as he slipped on the blood-soaked floor. ‘I can’t do this any more. It’s so depressing. He was just a little kid. He had his whole life ahead of him. And now he’s dead because of some stupid fight about land.’

Ben tried to clean the boy up as best he could before he told the parents.

‘What future do these kids have?’ Declan ranted. ‘Living in this hell-hole. If it doesn’t rain soon, they’ll all die of hunger anyway. If it does rain, they’ll probably get diarrhoea and die, and if that doesn’t kill them, malaria or a landmine will. Christ, I thought I had it tough growing up in inner-city Dublin. It was a walk in the park compared to this. I complained about beans on toast! What a naïve wanker I was. I’m going to give my da the biggest hug when I see him. I might even kiss his feet for what he did for me.’ Declan snapped off his surgical gloves and threw them into the bowl. ‘They’re just innocent kids.’

Ben mopped up the blood. ‘It’s senseless.’

‘I’ve decided when I get back I’m going to specialize in paediatrics. Seeing the kids here, it just breaks my heart.’ Declan began to cry.

Ben went over and put an arm around him. ‘It’s been a bad day, but think of the kids we’ve saved. Think of the eight babies we’ve delivered safely since we got here.’

Declan roughly wiped his eyes. ‘I know, but look at him. He was a lovely little lad. I used to see him playing football with an old rag tied up. He’s just an innocent child, blown to shreds. When you get home, don’t let your daughters out of your sight. Cherish them.’

‘I will. I do.’ Ben choked up.

‘Shit! Sorry, Ben. I didn’t mean to set you off.’

‘It’s just so hard sometimes.’

Declan squeezed his arm. ‘Come on, mate. Let’s get this little man cleaned up and talk to his parents.’

They walked back to their tent to the sounds of a mother and father screaming in grief.

When Yonas had chained them up for the night, they lay back on their mattresses.

‘Knock, knock,’ Declan said.

Ben shook his head, but Declan wasn’t taking no for an answer.

‘Come on, Ben, it’ll distract us. I need this. We need this. Knock, knock.’

‘Who’s fucking there, then?’

‘Noah.’

‘Noah who?’

‘Noah good place we can get something to eat?’

This time Ben could only raise the ghost of a smile. They were silent for a while, lying side by side, each trying to let the day’s blackness roll away from him.

‘We’re agreed. We’re not staying here for Christmas?’ Declan asked, his voice hushed.

‘Agreed. I can’t do this any more. We have to at least try, even if we die in the process.’

‘Now all we need is to wait for an opportunity.’

Ben rolled onto his side, the heavy chain clanking. He closed his eyes and tried to picture Jools and Holly. The really frightening thing was that he couldn’t see their faces clearly any more. He could picture Alice perfectly, but the girls were fading and it was terrifying. He began to gasp for breath. He scratched at his neck, gasping, gulping … His throat was closing over.

Declan pulled him up and bent him forward. ‘Easy, Ben, easy. Breathe in and out. Follow me, in and out.’

Slowly, Ben’s breathing eased and the panic subsided.

‘They’re getting worse,’ Declan said. ‘I’m going to ask Awate to nick some Valium.’

‘No,’ Ben said. ‘I don’t want him to know. It makes me look weak.’

‘It makes you look human,’ Declan snapped.

‘I can’t remember their faces properly,’ Ben whispered.

‘Describe them – go on. Start with their hair, and the rest’ll come back to you. I’m here, mate, I’m here.’

Ben closed his eyes and described his daughters. As he spoke, he began to remember the details, the little things he’d forgotten – Jools’s beauty spot under her right ear and Holly’s small scar where she’d hit her head falling off her bike. Ben talked and talked until his heart stopped thudding and he could see the girls clearly, his beautiful daughters, his pride and joy. So close but yet so far.

Mummy was like Taz the Tasmanian Devil, rushing about cleaning the house, checking the oven and rearranging the flowers.

I escaped upstairs to get away from her. She was so wound up. I found Jools in her room, sitting on the windowsill, smoking out of the window.

‘I wish you’d stop smoking. It’ll kill you. Every year, over a hundred thousand smokers in the UK die from smoking-related causes.’

‘I swear to God, Holly, if you start spouting on about death rates from smoking, I’ll flick hot ash on you.’

‘There’s no need to be so grumpy.’

Jools took a deep drag. ‘I’m not. I’m just … well … He’s coming into our house. Dad’s house. It feels …’

‘Weird,’ I said. It felt more than weird: it felt like Daddy was being put in a box and hidden away.

Tonight was the first time Dan had come to the house for dinner and Mummy was all hyper about it. It was a big deal having him at our house to have dinner at the table Daddy used to sit at.

‘Is Stella coming?’ Jools asked.

I shook my head. ‘No. I wish she was but there’s an opening at her gallery tonight.’

‘Do you think he’ll sit in Dad’s chair?’ Jools asked.

‘He’d better not. I’m planning on sitting there.’ Kevin
walked in, with a glass of wine. ‘I’ve left Marco Pierre White’s insane twin sister in the kitchen, bashing pots and pans around. I told her not to worry about the cooking. Dan’s so in love with her, he wouldn’t care what she gave him to eat.’

‘Dan looks at Mum the way Lance looks at me,’ Jools said. ‘It gets boring after a while. Mind you, it would be less boring if Lance was a millionaire.’

‘How is Lance?’ Kevin asked.

‘Annoying. I’m going to break up with him next week. I can’t take it any more. He keeps giving me articles to read on Africa and stuff.’

‘I take it these aren’t articles about African fashion,’ Kevin said, teasing her as usual.

Jools put out her cigarette. ‘No, they’re all about disease and misery. I’m sorry, but I don’t want to read that stuff. I’ve had enough misery with Dad dying. I don’t want to read about kids dying because they didn’t have a mosquito net. I’ve been bitten loads of times by mosquitoes and I’m still alive.’

‘Mosquitoes in Africa infect children with malaria!’ I said. It was just incredible the way Jools was so clueless about the world. She lived in her Jools bubble. Sometimes I wanted to shake her and make her see.

‘Well, yesterday we went for a coffee. Lance insisted we meet in this “save the world” coffee shop where you have to buy coffee made in Africa, which is just awful. I much prefer Carlito’s – it has nice Italian coffee and they serve it in really cool mugs and the guys that work there are all Italian and really fit. Anyway, Lance made me go there and it was full of people in very uncool clothes and T-shirts that said “One Planet, One Chance” and “Hunger Bites. Bite Back” – another said “Kids Aren’t Made To Be Soldiers”. What does that even mean? You have to be, like, eighteen to join the army.’

‘I don’t think they were talking about the British Army,’ I pointed out. ‘I think it was about boy soldiers in Sierra Leone and places like that.’

Jools twisted her hair up. ‘Well, I don’t know about Sarah Leon, but the coffee was rotten and the cakes were all gluten-free and gross. I couldn’t eat the muffin I ordered. It was disgusting. Then Lance gave me a lecture on wasting food and this other guy went off on a rant about how we throw away seven million tons of food a year blah-blah-blah …’

My blood was boiling. ‘It’s not blah-blah-blah, Jools, it’s a really serious issue. If we all stopped wasting food, the benefit to the planet would be the equivalent of taking one in four cars off the road.’

‘OMG, Holly, I don’t need to hear it all twice. Anyway, I said to the guy, “If your food tasted nice, I wouldn’t be throwing it away.” ’

‘You are so rude!’ I said.

‘No, Holly, I’m honest.’

‘How did the guy react?’ Kevin was grinning, I think he actually liked it when Jools was being naughty.

‘He said I was the first person not to like it, which I knew was a big fat lie because it tasted like cardboard. Then he and Lance started talking about food waste and how greedy Westerners are and how we need to save Africa from famine … and it was so boring that I started yawning and then Lance got all embarrassed and the guy said, “I’m sorry I’m boring you. Most people are actually interested in what’s going on in Africa.” ’

‘What did you say to that?’ Kevin asked.

Jools twisted a strand of hair. ‘I said, “Well, I don’t like talking about Africa because it’s where my father was blown up by a landmine.” ’

‘I’d say that shut him up,’ Kevin said.

Jools grinned. ‘You should have seen his smug, do-gooder face. He went from treating me like a complete fool to fawning all over me and giving me free cups of revolting coffee and asking me all about “the incident”.’

‘He sounds like an idiot!’ I snapped.

‘He was. But then Lance got all jealous because his lame friend was suddenly so interested in me.’

‘Poor Lance. I feel sorry for him. He’s far too nice for you,’ Kevin said.

Jools sighed dramatically. ‘I need someone more challenging. It’s all too easy with Lance and, besides, he should really be with another do-gooder. I’m just not interested.’

‘You’re so mean, Jools. You made him fall for you and leave Hayley, who was interested in all those things, and now you’re dumping him. And by the way, Kevin, being too nice is not a bad thing.’

Kevin held up his hands. ‘I know it isn’t, but Jools needs to be with someone strong who can manage her and stand up to her.’

‘What about me?’ I asked.

Kevin hugged me. ‘You need the nicest man in the world.’

‘Actually, Holly, you should go to that place and hang out. It’s right up your street. Full of nerdy geeks reading books and talking about “serious issues”. They even had a poster of that girl, Majella Yousifuzzy or whatever her name is, the one you love.’

‘Malala Yousafzai.’

‘Yeah, her, and I’m sorry, Holly, but she’s clearly brain-damaged. The poster said, “I believe the gun has no power.” She got shot in the head and nearly died. Hello? I think the gun does have power.’

I stood up, my fists curled into balls. She made me so angry, more than anyone else could. ‘Do not speak ill of Malala. She’s a hero. You’re just an empty vessel.’

Jools went to light another cigarette, but Kevin snatched it out of her hand. ‘I may be an empty whatever, but at least I’m not going around telling people that guns aren’t dangerous. She’s completely insane.’

I could feel my face burning. Kevin reached over and took my hand. ‘Come on, girls, you can’t be fighting in front of Dan. Calm down and behave yourselves.’

The dinner was fine because Dan, Jools and Kevin kept chatting, but Mummy was quiet and so was I. Kevin sat in Daddy’s chair and Dan sat in the one that was always spare. Dan kept saying everything was wonderful and the food was delicious. At one point he went over to the counter to open some wine and I saw him giving Mummy a kiss and a hug. She leant her head against his chest and smiled at what he whispered to her. She looked young and pretty and I felt glad for her.

I want her to be happy and Dan is really nice. He’ll never, ever, ever replace Daddy, but at least he’s good and kind.

At the end of the dinner, Dan said he wanted to ask us a favour. He asked if it was okay if he took Mummy to Venice in two weeks’ time. He’d obviously arranged it with Kevin already, because Kevin said he was free and would move in with us. Jools and I both said it was fine. Jools said Mummy needed a nice break and that Dan should spoil her and book a really fancy hotel.

Dan said he had booked the Aman Canal Grande and he hoped that would do. Kevin almost choked on his wine. ‘That’s where George Clooney got married! It’s incredible.’

Dan said he was very grateful to us for lending him Mummy for the weekend and that he had a surprise for us to
say thank you: he’d arranged for Stella to pick us up and take us to dinner at the Chiltern Firehouse.

Jools started hyperventilating because it’s where all the celebrities eat and apparently it’s almost impossible to get a table there. Dan is incredibly generous. He always plans everything and tries to make everyone happy.

It seems to be getting serious with Mummy and Dan. I think she’s in love.