The Way We Were (15 page)

Mummy’s gone to a dinner party. She was going to wear her navy dress, but Jools made her get changed. She said Mummy had to stop looking so dull all the time and ordered her to put on her lovely red dress. Jools wanted Mummy to wear red lipstick too, but Mummy put her foot down. She said it would be ‘too much’. But she did look pretty.

She was listening to music while she was getting ready. Not sad music, like she normally does, but happy music, like she used to when she and Daddy were getting ready to go to a party. She was listening to Madonna’s ‘Into The Groove’, which she always used to play before Daddy died. Daddy used to joke that it was a cheesy song, but he always smiled when Mummy danced around to it. They used to dance to it together and do silly moves to make me and Jools laugh.

Jools says Madonna is ‘really lame’ and a ‘saddo’ because she tries to be cool when she’s just an old woman who should put some clothes on and stop trying to bend her legs over her head.

Jools came into my room and sat beside me on my bed, listening to Mummy singing along to the song. She squeezed my hand. ‘She seems almost happy,’ she whispered.

‘It’s lovely to hear her singing,’ I said, almost afraid to break the spell. ‘Well done for making her wear the red one.’

‘She needs to go out and have fun. I know we think she’s really old, but she isn’t. Chloë’s mum is fifty and she’s getting married again.’

My stomach did a flip when Jools said that. I don’t want Mummy to get married to another man. That would be so weird and awful and … well … wrong.

Jools looked at me. ‘Don’t get all freaked out. Mum’s not going to marry anyone, but she might meet someone else. She’s not bad-looking and she’s nice when she wants to be. Besides, it’s lonely for her, Holly. She’s always on her own.’

‘But she’s got us.’

‘We’ll be gone soon and she’ll be alone in the house.’

‘I won’t leave her. I’ll stay here and look after her.’

‘Holly, you’re going to get a scholarship to some amazing university full of geeks. You’ll fit right in and be so happy with all your nerd friends that you won’t want to come home. You’ll want to read boring books and discuss the meaning of poems until the sun comes up, while normal students are getting drunk and shagging. Anyway, Mum would never let you stay with her. She’ll want you to go and live your life.’

‘I just don’t want her to stop loving Daddy.’

‘She won’t. But it’s selfish of you to want her never to have a life or meet another man.’

‘I’m not selfish, Jools, I just don’t want anyone trying to replace Daddy. He’s irreplaceable.’

‘Nobody will ever replace him,’ Jools said fiercely. ‘No one. But I don’t want Mum to end up on her own for the rest of her life either.’

Jools is right, but I can’t bear the idea of another man sleeping in Mummy’s bed where Daddy used to be. It makes me feel sick.

After Mummy went out, Jools went into her bedroom to get ready. She was going to a party at Lance’s house. Kevin was coming to be with me and make sure Jools came home at midnight.

I asked if I could sit in her room while she got ready. She
was excited about the party and in a good mood, so she said yes. She took her clothes into her little bathroom to get changed but she didn’t close the door fully and I saw her in the mirror.

I screamed. Her stomach was covered with cuts.

Jools spun around. ‘Shit!’

‘Oh, my God, Jools, what are you doing? You told me you’d stopped.’

Jools pulled a long-sleeved top over her head and came to sit beside me. ‘Calm down.’

‘Why are you doing it? You’re going to die,’ I said, and I started crying. I couldn’t help it. ‘You promised you’d stop.’

Jools hugged her stomach. ‘I’m trying to. I really am. I had stopped, but then I just had a day where I really missed Dad and I cut again. I’ve had a bad few weeks. But I’m going to stop. I promise.’

After the first time I’d found her cutting, I Googled it to try to understand. It’s called self-harming and the people who do it said that it made them feel better. They said it was like letting out all the bottled-up feelings: each time they cut their bodies, they felt like they were in control again.

‘I tried it,’ I said, showing her the small, faded scar on my arm.

‘What?’ Jools spun around to face me.

‘I wanted to see if it made me feel better, but it hurt and I still felt sad.’

Jools’s face was bright red. ‘Don’t you ever do that again. You’re an idiot for trying it.’

‘What about you?’ I shouted. ‘You’re doing it all the time.’

‘I
am
an idiot. Remember? I’m the stupid one, the thick one. I do dumb things all the time.’

‘You’re not stupid, but cutting yourself is. Jools, if you don’t stop, I’m telling Mummy.’

Jools put her face close to mine. ‘Don’t even think about it. I will kill you if you tell her. You’ll just upset her. I’m going to stop.’

‘You have to, Jools. You’re ruining yourself and your beautiful skin. What if you cut too deep and die? I can’t bear it.’ Now I was crying hard. Jools leant over, hugged me and promised over and over again to stop.

I’m not sure if I believe her, but I’m going to keep a close watch.

Jools put on a very short mini and sky-high heels. She looked so gorgeous. Everyone in school fancies Jools, except Lance. He’s totally in love with his girlfriend, Hayley. I know Jools likes Lance, but she pretends she doesn’t. Jools hates Hayley for two reasons: first, because she’s a do-gooder, and second, because she’s really smart.

Kevin arrived and came upstairs to join us. He sat beside me on the bed. He knew about Lance and Hayley, but he didn’t know about the self-harm. ‘So, will Hayley be there tonight?’ he asked Jools, as he winked at me.

‘Yes, but she’s going to be late because she’s giving hot soup to the homeless or something. She’s such a pain.’

‘What a bitch! Imagine – feeding homeless people.’ Kevin grinned.

Jools turned around, waving her mascara. ‘She’s trying to be some kind of modern-day saint. I mean, who’s she kidding? Those people do not want some crappy watery soup. They’d much rather a burger or a stew or something that’ll actually fill them up.’

‘They’d be happy with any food. They’re homeless, Jools,’ I pointed out.

‘I wouldn’t eat vegetable soup if you paid me. I’d rather starve. Besides, Hayley is such a Debbie Downer – she’s always talking about these homeless people and how they
used to live in normal houses but then they lost their job or whatever and they ended up under a bridge. She loves making everyone feel really depressed.’

‘Lance obviously likes her charitable side.’ Kevin loved winding Jools up.

Jools frowned. ‘Lance just has a big heart. He really wanted to have a fun party, but Hayley made him feel guilty so now we all have to give money tonight – there’s going to be a collection box for the homeless in the hall.’

‘I think that’s lovely,’ I said.

‘You would!’ Jools said. ‘Why can’t she just go and be a do-gooder nun and join one of those convents where you can’t speak? She thinks she’s like Mother What’shername anyway. You know, the little wrinkly dwarf woman who went around India in a tea towel.’

‘Oh, my God, do you mean Mother Teresa?’ Mother Teresa is one of my absolute heroines. ‘She was a saint.’

‘Whatever. At least she didn’t hog the captain of the rugby team. At least she went off to India and did her holy stuff by herself. I wish Hayley would bugger off somewhere far away and feed those people her rotten soup.’

‘You’ve such a big heart,’ Kevin said, and he was laughing. It was funny.

‘Holy Joes should not go out with hot rugby guys. They should either be married to their job or married to another do-gooder who wears socks and sandals and wants to talk about misery and death and hunger all the time. Lance is far too cool for her.’

‘Maybe you should go with her on a soup run. You might actually like it. Giving back to people can be very fulfilling,’ Kevin suggested, and winked at me again.

Jools stared at him. ‘What would you know? You’re not exactly saving lives.’

‘Actually, I help your mother help sick people. So, in a way, I do charity work every day.’

‘I don’t mean to be harsh, Kevin, but it’s a bit different from going around feeding starving people,’ I pointed out.

Kevin bristled. ‘Whose side are you on, Holly?’

Jools clipped in her hair extensions. ‘The point is, Hayley is a bore and I’m fabulous, and I just don’t understand why Lance doesn’t see it.’

Kevin sighed loudly. ‘Welcome to the world of unrequited love.’

‘Did you and Axel break up?’ I asked.

‘No, but David Gandy will never be mine.’

‘Who’s he?’

Jools groaned. ‘Seriously, Holly, stop reading boring books about the olden days. David Gandy is the hottest model ever.’

Kevin nodded. ‘
Soooooo
very hot.’

‘Yes, but, Kevin, he’s out of your league and he’s straight. Lance is not out of my league. To be honest, he should be chasing me. I’m going to get to the party early while Mother Tessa –’

‘Mother Teresa,’ I said.

‘Whatever. I’m going to get there early so I can work on him while Hayley is feeding everyone who lives under a bridge.’

I felt bad for Hayley. She was a good person and Jools wanted to steal her boyfriend.

‘Why don’t you go for someone who doesn’t have a girlfriend?’ I asked her.

Kevin patted my hand. ‘Because we all want what we can’t have. Forbidden fruit and all that.’

He had a point. I wanted Daddy back and that was never going to happen.

Pippa came into the hall, then flung open her arms to embrace Alice. ‘Darling, I’m so glad you came. And you look gorgeous, like your old self. Getting out a bit more suits you.’

‘Thanks, I almost didn’t come.’ Alice smiled, trying to hide how nervous she still was. Since Ben had died, she’d only been out with Pippa and David on their own, not to a dinner party with other people.

Pippa handed her a glass of champagne. ‘Drink that. It’ll help with your nerves. Now, as I said to you on the phone, it’s just six friends for dinner. No pressure and no fuss.’

Alice knocked back the champagne. David came out to them, carrying another glass.

‘Ah, I see Pippa’s ahead of me. Here, you might need another.’ David handed Alice the glass and kissed her warmly on the cheek. ‘I know it’s difficult for you, but we’re so glad you came. It is important for you to get out a bit and … well …’

‘Move on?’

‘No!’ David was flustered. ‘I don’t mean that … I just want to make sure you’re all right and I … Well, I can only imagine how difficult it is for you and the girls. I miss Ben awfully myself.’ He looked down at his shoes.

Alice put the two glasses on the side-table and hugged him.

‘Stop it.’ Pippa flapped about beside them. ‘No tears
tonight. For goodness’ sake, David, we’re supposed to be cheering Alice up.’

‘Sorry.’ David wiped his eyes while Pippa dabbed delicately at Alice’s with a tissue, making sure not to ruin her make-up.

‘There,’ she said. ‘Now, you two, no more crying. Deep breaths.’

David smiled at his wife and regained his composure. ‘Has Pippa told you who’s here? It’s just us, you, of course, my sister Ruby, her husband Norman and our neighbour, Dan.’

‘Dan?’ Alice frowned. ‘Oh, God, is this a blind date? Are you setting me up? Guys, come on!’

‘No!’ David assured her.

‘Absolutely not, darling,’ Pippa said. ‘Dan moved in next door a few months ago. He seems awfully nice. He’s a self-made chap, very dynamic, very successful and good fun. We wanted to invite him and thought it would be a good way to make up numbers.’

‘And you’re sitting beside me so I’ll look after you,’ David said, leading Alice into the vast drawing room.

Alice was introduced and gave Dan a cursory glance. She was embarrassed and annoyed. She didn’t want to be partnered with someone, even if it was just to ‘make up numbers’. What the hell was wrong with uneven numbers anyway? Why did people always feel they had to have a round number at dinner parties?

They sat down and David was wonderful, keeping the conversation going and being incredibly attentive to Alice. After the starter and a large glass of white wine, she began to relax. Dan had been talking to Ruby most of the time and it was only when the main course arrived that he turned to Alice.

‘So, what’s your story then, Alice?’ he asked, his eyes smiling at her.

Alice felt David freeze beside her. ‘Well, my husband got blown up by a landmine in Eritrea eighteen months ago. So I’m a widow with two daughters. That’s my story.’

Dan didn’t flinch. He looked directly into her eyes. Alice noticed how blue they were. ‘Well, that makes an interesting change from “I’m a lawyer” or “I’m an accountant.” ’

Alice laughed. She hadn’t meant to, but it was the way he said it. He was so relaxed, not awkward at all. She’d expected him to blush or stutter or apologize or just be mortified, but he wasn’t and she liked it. It was refreshing. ‘What about you, Dan?’

‘My wife left ten years ago and moved to Argentina with her tennis coach. I’ve got one daughter who’s twenty-three.’

‘Did she take your daughter with her?’

Dan’s jaw set. ‘No, just a lot of my money.’

‘Gosh, that’s cold.’

Dan grinned. ‘I can think of a lot of other ways to describe it, but cold is more polite.’

Alice decided to be direct too. ‘Did you ever meet anyone else?’

A slow smile spread across Dan’s face. ‘Oh, a few, but none that I became attached to.’

Alice felt something in her stomach. A flutter? A twitter? Some kind of movement that she hadn’t felt in a long time. She smiled back at Dan. She liked him. She liked his honesty. She liked his eyes and she liked his smile too. ‘Do you think you’re too choosy?’ she asked.

‘No. I’m old enough to know what I like and young enough not to settle for second best.’

Alice laughed. ‘I like that.’

‘So what do you do when you’re not being a mum?’

‘I’m a GP.’

Dan raised an eyebrow. ‘Good-looking and smart. I like that.’

‘You?’

‘I’m in property.’

‘Sounds vague.’

‘I buy rundown buildings – hotels, office blocks, that kind of thing – do them up and sell them on.’

‘Do you buy all over the world or just the UK?’

‘All over. I’ve just bought an apartment block in New York. How do you manage to juggle work and be Mum?’

Alice was surprised by this. No man had ever asked her how she did it all. ‘I just do. I don’t know if I’m doing a very good job, I just muddle through each day, I guess.’

‘I remember when my wife left, how difficult it was trying to keep my eye on Stella and work. It’s not easy. I admire you.’

Alice was warming to Dan. He got it. ‘I admire you too. Being a single dad can’t be easy.’

‘I got lucky with Stella. She’s fantastic.’

‘I hope my girls turn out all right. It’s been hard on them.’

Dan lowered his voice. ‘It’s hard on you too. How are you doing?’

Alice felt comfortable with him. His wife had left him alone with a child. He knew what it was like. She didn’t pretend. ‘I have good days and bad days. More good than bad now, thank God. The girls are still shattered, but they’ve definitely been less fragile in the last few months.’

‘Don’t worry. They’ll be okay. Kids are amazingly resilient. Stella went a bit wobbly at first, but then she got through it and she’s really great now.’

‘What does she do?’

‘She works in an art gallery. She was never very good at school – then again, neither was I. But she’s doing well and enjoying it.’

Alice nodded. ‘That’s all I want, for the girls to be happy. Jools, my seventeen-year-old, isn’t academic and I do worry about her.’

‘What’s she good at? What does she like doing?’

‘She’s obsessed with art and fashion.’

‘Then send her to art college or help her get a job in the art world. Parents get obsessed with their kids going to university. You have to let them follow their passions, or they’ll be miserable. Stella wasn’t cut out for the academic life, so I let that ambition go and we talked about what she’d be happy to get up and do every day. Turns out it’s being around artists and art exhibitions. And she’s bloody good at it too, so it was definitely the best choice.’

Alice thought this over. It was true that she and Ben had always wanted the girls to go to university. It was their dream for them. But it wasn’t Jools’s dream. Dan was right: happiness should come first. Maybe Jools should go to art college and follow her passion.

Alice smiled. ‘She picked out my outfit tonight.’

Dan drank Alice in with his eyes. ‘She has very good taste.’

They were interrupted by Norman asking Dan about a big new hotel his company had just bought in central London. Dan told them about his plans for the revamp and Alice sat back watching him. He was very animated when he talked about work, full of energy and life. Alice felt more alive just by sitting close to him.

When they were having coffee, Dan leant in towards her. ‘Do you do many house calls as a GP?’ he asked.

‘Not many, but some.’

‘If I called and asked you to come to my house because I had a very serious issue, would you come?’ He smiled.

‘Probably not.’

‘Why?’

‘Too soon.’

Dan shook his head. ‘It’s all about baby steps, Alice. I remember from my own experience that everything seems very daunting, but once you dip your toe in the water, it’s less so.’

‘Coming out tonight was a big step for me.’

‘How’s it going?’

Alice smiled. ‘Pretty well, actually.’

‘So how about another step. How about coffee?’

Alice paused. She liked him. He was nice and he knew what it was like to lose someone you love. He wasn’t pushy, just encouraging. She felt safe with him. It was strange: she didn’t know him but she felt very comfortable in his company. And, if she was being honest, she found him very attractive.

‘I’ll throw in a muffin too,’ he said with a smile.

‘Okay.’

‘Where do you work?’

‘West Kensington.’

‘How about tomorrow, at one, the Royal George Hotel?’

Alice felt a bit flustered. Tomorrow? It was a bit soon.

Dan placed his hand gently on her arm. ‘If we don’t make an arrangement to meet now, you’ll start to overthink it and say no. It’s just a coffee, Alice.’

Alice took a deep breath and said, ‘Tomorrow at one.’

The next day, Kevin commented on what she was wearing. She’d got changed three times and opted for a plain black dress with a chunky necklace and very high heels that flattered her legs. ‘You look nice. I haven’t seen you wear heels in ages. How was last night?’

‘Fine, nothing special,’ Alice said, keen to avoid a
conversation about it. She didn’t want to admit she was going for coffee with a strange man. She was hassled about it and had decided to cancel when she woke up, but she didn’t have Dan’s number and she didn’t want to have to call Pippa for it because then it would become a ‘thing’. And it most certainly was not a ‘thing’. She’d just go and meet him, stay for ten minutes and make it clear she wasn’t ready for any of this. It was too soon. It felt wrong. She felt guilty but also, surprisingly, excited and nervous. No, it was too soon. She was being silly. She was just flattered by the attention. She’d go because it was rude not to turn up, but that was it.

The ten-minute walk from the surgery to the hotel felt like ten hours. Alice dragged her feet and kept berating herself for having agreed to it at all. Her shoes hurt and her feet throbbed. By the time she turned the corner to the hotel, she was in a grump. This whole thing was ridiculous.

But when she reached the hotel, the uniformed doorman opened the door for her and she was immediately greeted by the manager. ‘Dr Gregory?’ he asked. ‘Mr Penfold is waiting for you in the morning room. Please follow me.’

Alice was taken aback. Forgetting her sore feet, she followed the manager through the marble foyer into a lovely bright room, tastefully decorated in pale blue and cream. Dan was standing at the window, talking on his phone. He turned to her and mouthed, ‘Sorry!’

The manager led Alice to a table that was set for two with lunch. In fact, it looked like lunch for a small army – there was a large variety of dishes, more than the two of them could possibly eat.

As Dan wrapped up his phone call, Alice studied him. He was attractive in a rugged, sexy kind of way. Very different from Ben’s tall, handsome good looks. Dan was smaller, stockier, but very fit and healthy-looking. His hair was grey
but cut into a short manly style. Just as she remembered from the night before, he radiated energy and dynamism.

He snapped his phone shut and walked over to her, kissing her gently on the cheek. ‘I’m sorry about that. One of our hotels had a flood and the manager is not handling it well. How are you?’

Alice had been so distracted by the food, the setting and Dan that she’d forgotten her nerves. ‘I’m fine, thank you, but we seem to have very different definitions of coffee.’

Dan grinned. ‘I didn’t know what you liked, so I ordered plenty.’

‘I take it this is one of your hotels?’

‘Yes. Do you like it?’

‘It’s lovely. I’ve passed it lots of times but there was always scaffolding up. Have you just finished doing it up?’

‘Three weeks ago,’ Dan said proudly.

‘You’ve done a wonderful job. It was very rundown before and now it’s stunning.’

‘Thank you, I’m really glad you like it.’

Dan sat down beside Alice and poured her some water. It was nice. It was comfortable. Alice smiled inwardly. She felt like an individual for the first time in so long. She wasn’t a mum or a doctor – worrying about the girls, work, finances, timetables or patients – she was a woman being spoilt by a man, and it felt really, really nice.

Dan was in the middle of telling Alice about his hilarious childhood growing up in the East End when her phone rang. It was Kevin.

‘Where are you? It’s two thirty. There are three patients waiting for you.’

‘Oh, my God!’ Alice looked at her watch. ‘I’m on my way.’

She stood up and grabbed her coat and bag. ‘I have to run. I had no idea it was so late. I was … I was …’

‘Having a good time?’ Dan suggested, helping her into her coat.

Alice smiled. ‘Yes. I was having a lovely time. Thank you.’

‘It was my pleasure. I had a nice time too. Lenny, my driver, will run you back to your surgery.’

‘No, it’s fine.’

Dan put his hands on her shoulders and leant in from behind. ‘I insist. I kept you here so it’s my fault you’re late.’

Alice could smell his aftershave and felt the slight stubble of his chin on her cheek and his breath in her ear. Her heart began to race. She felt her body coming back to life. She bent her head to stop Dan seeing her blush. She felt like a teenager. It was so silly … and yet very real.

Dan led her out of a side door, where a black Mercedes with tinted windows and a uniformed driver were waiting. He kissed her cheek. ‘I really enjoyed today. May I call you?’

Alice was going to say no – it was too soon – but she stopped herself. She wanted to see Dan again. She had really enjoyed being with him. It was fun and kind of exciting. It was lovely to be treated and looked after. She’d been drowning under responsibility and decision-making for so long.

She kissed his cheek and whispered, ‘Yes.’