The Way We Were (9 page)

Harold was a nightmare about the memorial service. He refused all of Alice’s suggestions. She knew that if she didn’t step back, they’d have a huge row and never speak again. In a way she would have welcomed that, but out of respect for Ben she bit her tongue and let her father-in-law walk all over her.

What really bothered Alice was the empty coffin: they had no body. When she had called Jonathan Londis at the Foreign and Commonwealth Office about Ben’s remains, he had put her in touch with some senior person, who had told her that the local police in Eritrea had said that the force of the explosion had left no bodies ‘as such’ and that, unfortunately, there was nothing to return to them except Ben’s personal items from the hotel, a charred passport and his wallet.

When she’d spoken to Harold about it, he was appalled that she would question the information she had received from the officials. He’d barked that ‘The chaps in the FO know exactly what they’re doing and you can’t go about badgering them. Of course there are no remains. It was a great big bloody explosion.’

Alice shuddered every time she heard the word ‘explosion’. She tried not to think about that part. The violence of Ben’s last seconds on earth haunted her. She hated Harold for being so cold and formal. Why couldn’t he just admit his
heart was broken? Ben’s death should have united them, but instead it was driving them even further apart.

Alice was devastated to be burying an empty coffin. It felt so soulless. She suggested putting some of Ben’s favourite things inside it. Things to comfort him. The girls wanted to put in his favourite book, his favourite scarf, his spare stethoscope, a teddy bear and some photos. Harold told them it was absolutely out of the question. He said it wasn’t the ‘done thing’. Alice had wanted to punch him in the face.

She knew the memorial service would be stiff, cold and impersonal, just like Harold, so she decided to have her own ceremony at home where she and the girls could do whatever they wanted without Harold’s disapproval.

Alice didn’t remember much about the service. She’d let her mind wander off as the dark and depressing hymns and readings that Harold had chosen went on around her. This wasn’t her farewell: she would do that with the girls, Kevin, Nora, David and Pippa on Sunday. Father Brendan, the local Catholic priest, had agreed to come to the house and say some prayers and they would read poems, and Jools wanted to play Ben’s favourite song, Queen’s ‘Don’t Stop Me Now’, and everyone could say a few words and just remember.

Alice wanted the girls to be able to say what they wished, to say goodbye to Ben in their own way. This formal ceremony meant nothing to her.

Beside her, Jools fidgeted and Holly counted the words on the missal. Kevin sat stony-faced and rolled his eyes every time a new, even more depressing dirge was played on the ancient organ.

Ben wasn’t in the coffin. Ben was in Eritrea, his ashes strewn around some dirt-track. When the girls were older, if
Eritrea was safe, Alice would take them there. She’d find the place where it had happened and they’d lay flowers. But for now she was going to keep Ben in her heart and mind. She fiddled with her gold necklace, twisting the A as she let her thoughts drift.

No one spoke about Ben. The priest droned on and on about his distinguished career as a surgeon and mentioned that he had a wife and two daughters. But he never spoke about the man Ben was – the wonderful, warm, funny, kind man he was. Alice dug her nails into her palms to stop herself standing up and screaming ‘
He wasn’t just a bloody surgeon!
’

After the ceremony Ben’s uncles and aunts shook her hand, some kissed her, one or two hugged her. She felt numb. It was as if she was looking down on herself from the highest branch of a tree. She felt as if she was playing a part – the grieving widow. She couldn’t allow herself to feel. Not now, not here.

The only time she got emotional was when David and Pippa came up to her. She hadn’t seen them since the news had broken. They’d left messages for her, but she hadn’t been able to face talking to anyone. She didn’t want to hear the words ‘I’m so sorry’ – they would make it all too real.

Like Holly, she didn’t want anyone to talk about Ben in the past tense. She couldn’t stand to hear ‘He
was
a lovely man.’ She wanted to keep him alive and in the present tense and somehow near her.

‘Darling!’ Pippa said, throwing her arms around Alice and clasping her tightly. ‘We just can’t believe it. We’re so sorry.’

As Pippa turned to the girls, David came up and pulled Alice into a big bear hug. He was six foot six and as broad as he was tall. Alice felt safe and protected in his arms. ‘Christ,
Alice,’ he said, his voice breaking. ‘Why Ben? Why did it have to be Ben?’

Alice began to cry: David got it. He understood how she felt. He was as confused and upset as she was. She knew how much David loved Ben. They’d been best friends since they’d met on their first day in medical school.

‘Bloody Eritrea! I told him not to go. I told him John Lester was a maverick. It’s all right for John to go off to Eritrea – he doesn’t have kids and he’s not married. I said it to Ben, “Don’t go. If you want adventure, take up sky-diving.” But he wouldn’t listen. He was absolutely determined.’

‘I begged him too,’ Alice cried. ‘Why did he have to be so stupid?’

David handed Alice a tissue. ‘Ben always wanted to do more. He pushed himself harder than any of the rest of us, even when we were medical students. He was always striving for more. I was glad when he settled down and had kids – he seemed to mellow a bit – but in the last year I did notice that he seemed restless and keen to do something else. He was looking to challenge himself again.’

‘Why weren’t we enough?’ Alice cried.

‘Come on now,’ David said. ‘I didn’t mean it like that. Ben adored you and the girls. He always said you were the best thing that ever happened to him. I suppose this was a kind of … well, a mid-life crisis thing. I see it all around me – colleagues volunteering for Médecins Sans Frontières or climbing Everest or misbehaving, like me.’ David looked embarrassed.

Alice hugged him. ‘You were such a good friend to Ben. Thanks for always being there for him. He always said you were the brother he never had.’

‘I felt the same way.’ David buried his face in Alice’s shoulder and sobbed.

Alice rubbed his back, then shuddered as she heard Harold’s voice behind her. ‘David, good of you to come,’ he said, sticking out his hand.

‘Terribly sorry about Ben, Harold. Can’t believe it.’ David rubbed his tear-stained face.

‘Yes, well, it’s been a terrible shock for all of us. Still, best to hold our heads up high today.’ Harold was clearly annoyed at David’s display of emotion. Turning to Alice, he said, ‘It’s time to leave for the cemetery.’

‘I’m coming, Harold, but I’ve decided I don’t want the girls there, seeing the coffin being lowered into the ground.’

Harold frowned. ‘They should be there. It will look most peculiar if they don’t come.’

‘I don’t care how it looks.’ Alice was doing her best to keep her voice even. ‘It will upset them too much, and I know Holly will have nightmares about it.’

Harold opened his mouth to argue when David jumped in: ‘Alice may have a point, Harold. It might be a bit traumatic for them. Why don’t I come with you, Alice, then Pippa can take the girls back to our house for a bit?’

‘Thanks, David, but Kevin can take them home,’ Alice said.

‘Kevin can go with them. Pippa would be delighted to have his company – she’s been so upset since we heard about Ben.’

Harold muttered, ‘Nonsense,’ under his breath and went back to Helen.

Alice smiled weakly at David. ‘You saved me there. Harold was going to try to bully me into bringing the girls.’

David put his hand on Alice’s shoulder. ‘Your idea to have a farewell ceremony at home is perfect. Ben would much prefer that. Poor Harold, he’s just very old school. He looks shattered – it’s a terrible thing to lose a child.’

Alice looked over at Harold. ‘I tried to placate him, honestly, and I gave in to all his demands for this service, but I’m not traumatizing my girls just to keep up a show. I draw the line there.’

David patted her arm. ‘Darling, of course. I understand completely. I’m on your side, believe me. I suppose I just understand Harold’s type – my own father was like that.’

Alice squeezed his hand. ‘Thank God you and Ben didn’t inherit that awful stiff upper lip.’

When Alice told Kevin the plan for him to take the girls to Pippa’s house, he was clearly relieved. She knew he’d be glad not to be at the graveside with Harold. She remembered the one time she’d brought Kevin to David and Pippa’s house in Holland Park and he had spent the whole visit outside, flirting with their driver, who was from Brazil and very good-looking. She remembered Ben joking quietly to her that Kevin was like Lady Sybil from
Downton Abbey
, trying to shag the chauffeur. Now she smiled at the memory, but then pain hit her chest and she had to push it away. She kissed Jools and Holly goodbye, then steeled herself for the ‘burial’.

A few days later, a small group gathered in the back garden at Alice and Ben’s house. Nora was there, Kevin, David, Pippa, Alice and the girls, plus Father Brendan. They said a few prayers, then Father Brendan asked if anyone would like to read a poem or say a few words. Holly read ‘Don’t Cry For Me’ … and everyone cried.

Pippa read Emily Dickinson’s ‘Because I Could Not Stop For Death’. David spoke about how much he missed Ben, but how lucky he felt to have been blessed with such a good, loyal and wonderful best friend. He had to stop then because he was overcome with emotion. Pippa reached out and took his hand.

Nora said Ben was the nicest employer she’d ever had and by far the handsomest, which made everyone smile.

Kevin tried to speak, but was crying too much.

Alice had written a letter. She put it in a little metal box, which she was going to bury under the cherry tree they were planting in the garden for Ben. It was too emotional to read out. Too painful. Too much.

Jools was last. Alice told her she didn’t have to read anything if she didn’t want to. She knew how much Jools hated reading aloud and she didn’t want her to feel any pressure. But Jools said she had to. With trembling hands, she pulled out a piece of paper.

She took a deep breath:

‘Daddy. You were my everything. My father, my friend, my supporter. You understood me like no one else. I am so glad that I have your eyes. I am so proud to be your daughter and so lucky to have been loved by you. I am so proud of you, Daddy. You’re so handsome and clever and funny and brave and kind. You’re like a bright light in our lives, and now that you’re gone, it’s all dark and lonely.

‘I wish I’d told you I loved you more. I wish I’d hugged you more. I wish I’d laughed at your stupid jokes more. I wish you knew how much I loved you, because I did, Daddy. I loved you so much it hurt.

‘Daddy, I don’t know how I’m going to live without you, but I promise I will try to make you proud of me.’

Everyone was crying now – even Father Brendan had welled up. Alice hugged Jools tightly and whispered, ‘He was proud of you every single day.’

David lifted the young cherry tree from the pot and placed it gently in the hole in the ground that he had dug earlier. Alice placed the box holding her letter beside it. Then
everyone took turns to tip the soil back into the hole until the roots of the tree were covered and it was secure.

Nora passed around glasses of champagne and they raised a toast to Ben’s life. Then Father Brendan said a final prayer, and that was it. Their goodbye was over. Ben’s life was over. It was all done, and now, somehow, they had to find a way to keep going.

Ben rolled over and felt a tug on his leg. The chain around his ankle clanked as he tried to get comfortable on his thin mattress. He opened his eyes and groaned silently. He was still there. In his dreams he had been at home with Alice and the girls, warm, safe, with his loved ones.

The reality, when he woke, hit him like a punch in the gut. He closed his eyes and tried not to panic. It couldn’t last much longer. They wouldn’t keep them there now. He had operated on all of the wounded. It was time for them to be released. Ben would ask to speak to the leader, Awate. He had to make him see that it was pointless to keep him and Declan there. He had to persuade Awate to let them go. He had to get the hell out.

He knew Alice and the girls would be panicking. When Ben thought of the anguish he was putting his family through, he felt physically sick. Did they believe he was dead? Would they know he’d been kidnapped? Did they think he’d just disappeared? Why the hell had he been so stupid as to come here? He cursed himself. He could hear Alice in his head, shouting, ‘I told you not to go!’

‘I’m sorry, Alice,’ he whispered into the air. ‘I’m so sorry.’

Beside him, Declan stirred. They were bound together by a long metal chain that wrapped around their ankles, then trailed out of their tent and wound around a tree. Two armed soldiers stood guard outside.

Declan rubbed his eyes. ‘Feck it, we’re still here. I dreamt I was back home. What day is it?’ he asked.

‘Thursday,’ Ben replied.

‘Nearly three weeks,’ Declan said. ‘Three weeks in this shithole with a bunch of lunatics fighting over some stupid bit of land. What the hell are we going to do?’

‘I’ll try to talk to Awate again today.’ Ben sat up.

‘Jesus, my leg,’ Declan cried. ‘Go slow, will you?’

‘Sorry,’ Ben said, and Declan sat up beside him, moving the chain with him. He lit a cigarette and offered Ben one.

Ben took it and inhaled deeply. He had taken up smoking on day ten. He’d asked Awate to let them go and Awate had refused. So Ben had asked him at least to let their families know they were alive. Awate had roared with laughter and told Ben not to be so stupid. ‘Are you crazy? Do you think I will tell the world that I have two English doctors up here? We’d all be killed. You’re my secret weapon, Ben. No one knows you’re alive so no one will come looking. Just relax and keep helping me.’

When Ben had refused to operate on more soldiers, Awate had once again pointed a gun to Declan’s head and threatened to shoot him. Ben and Declan had discussed it and said that, if it happened again, Ben was to stand his ground. ‘But don’t let him actually shoot me,’ Declan said.

So the next time Ben had held his ground until Awate fired a bullet one inch to the right of Declan’s ear. After that, he promised to continue operating. When Awate had left, Declan offered Ben a cigarette, which he had gratefully accepted. He needed something to calm his nerves. Lucky Strikes were the one thing the camp had in abundance. God only knew where they’d robbed them from. Declan had never asked, just accepted the packets gratefully.

‘What the hell are we going to do?’ Declan exhaled deeply,
a line of smoke floating into the hot air of their little tent. ‘We can’t escape with these bloody chains on us. We’ll have to try to run during the day.’

‘The problem with that is they’ll easily follow us and catch or shoot us,’ Ben said. ‘We don’t know the terrain. We haven’t got a clue where we are.’

‘What about getting hold of a phone?’

‘The only person who has one is Awate and he always has it tucked into his belt.’

‘Maybe you could bump into him and knock him over by accident, and when I’m helping him up, I could nick it,’ Declan suggested.

‘If I knocked him over, I’d be shot by at least three guards simultaneously. Awate is God to them.’

‘Well, I’m not staying here another day. I’m going to make a break for it.’

‘For God’s sake, Declan, running off and getting shot is just stupid. We need a proper plan, one that will actually work. We need to gather information and plot our escape. I’m not getting killed and leaving my children fatherless on some impulsive, half-arsed scheme.’

‘You’ve watched way too many of those war movies, Ben. We’re not in the middle of a war, stuck in enemy territory with an army of people looking for us. We’ve been taken by a bunch of lunatics who don’t give a damn about us and everyone we know thinks we’re dead. These people have never heard of the Geneva Convention. They’ll slit our throats as soon as we’re no longer useful to them. We’re going to have to get out of here ourselves and I’m not staying for one more day.’

Ben stubbed out his cigarette on the ground. ‘Declan, please don’t do anything stupid. I want to get home as much as you do, but we need to work out the best way to do it and not be killed.’

The tent flap was pulled back. The two doctors were given their breakfast and a new packet of cigarettes.

‘Here we go again with the shitty
shiro
. Who the hell eats chickpea porridge?’ Declan fumed.

‘It’s not that bad. You should have seen the food they served in the canteen at my school.’ Ben ate hungrily.

‘I thought you went to a posh place?’

‘I did, but the food was awful.’

‘After my mother fecked off on us, my da learnt to cook and then he taught us. I’m actually pretty good, if I say so myself. I love watching cookery programmes to relax. There are similarities between surgery and cooking. They’re both about prepping, timing and the finishing touches.’

Ben grinned. ‘I didn’t have you down as a cookery-show watcher.’

‘Love them, especially Nigella. For an older bird, she’s hot. I definitely would.’

‘Bit too busty for me. I’m a legs man.’

‘I’m a take-it-any-way-I-can-get-it man.’

Ben chuckled.

‘I tell you what, though,’ Declan went on, ‘birds love doctors. I’ve had a lot of patients coming on to me. I even had this one woman – she must have been about forty-five, good-looking, a MILF type … Anyway, she was rushed in for an appendectomy. The next day when I was checking her pulse she grabbed me and shoved her tongue in my ear.’

Ben laughed. ‘What did you do?’

Declan puffed out a perfect smoke-ring. ‘I’m a professional, so I extricated myself, but I got her number and met up with her when she was discharged. She was wild in the sack.’ Declan ate some porridge and made a face. ‘Do you have many patients coming on to you?’

‘Some, but I’ve got quite good about setting boundaries.
In the early days I had a few close calls. I did have one woman who used to come in for consultations in a very short dress and make it obvious that she wasn’t wearing any underwear.’

‘Jesus,
Basic Instinct
!’

‘Unfortunately she wasn’t Sharon Stone. She was more like her older, larger, less attractive sister.’

‘Don’t beat around the bush, Ben. Just say she was a fat minger so you weren’t tempted.’

They sat in silence for a minute.

‘Do you think they’ll let us go?’ Declan asked.

Ben inhaled. ‘We need to continue to be useful to them so that they keep us alive. And, in the meantime, figure out a way to escape.’

Declan lit another cigarette. Looking up at the roof of the tent, he said quietly, ‘It’s beginning to get to me.’

‘Me too. But we have to stay strong and be clever about this. If we make them angry, they’ll shoot us.’

‘Don’t worry,’ Declan said grimly. ‘I won’t do anything stupid.’

The tent flap was pulled back and the big soldier who guarded them most of the time, Yonas, beckoned them to come out.

Later that morning, after checking their two remaining patients, they were sent to fetch water with some of the village women, under the watchful eye of Yonas and a younger man called Eyob. On their way, they passed women and men leading donkeys carrying big barrels of water. They also passed women who were almost bent double carrying heavy barrels on their backs, tied with rope.

‘I guess having a donkey here is like having a car back home,’ Declan said. ‘That poor old woman looks like she’s about to keel over from the weight of it. She’s too old to be carrying that barrel.’

The woman stumbled. Declan and Ben went to help her. She smiled, revealing a mouthful of rotting teeth.

‘Can I help her carry this back?’ Declan asked Yonas.

Yonas’s English wasn’t particularly good, but he understood the basics. ‘No, you help our womans, not other womans.’

‘But she’ll never make it – she’s knackered. Look at the state of her! She’s sweating and her legs are like toothpicks,’ Declan objected.

Yonas shook his head. ‘No helping. You come now.’

But Ben and Declan did help the woman. They tied the barrel on more securely and watched as she stumbled off up the mountain path.

‘Do you think we could make a run for it now?’ Ben asked. He’d been feeling increasingly desperate as the morning had progressed. He ached to see Alice and the girls.

Declan shook his head. ‘Yonas or Eyob would shoot us. There’s nowhere to hide here. The land’s wide open.’

‘What if we tackled him and grabbed the gun?’ Ben whispered.

‘Easy there, Tiger. I thought I was the mad one. If we tackle Yonas, Eyob would shoot us. He’s got a mad glint in his eye. He reminds me of Mental Mickey on our road. You know by their eyes that they’re unhinged. Now is not the time, trust me.’

Ben could feel his breath quickening. He began to gasp for air. Declan put his hands on his friend’s shoulders. ‘Deep breaths, mate, come on. It’s okay. We’ll get out of here. Just not now. Breathe in … and out.’

Ben’s pulse began to slow and he stopped feeling as if he was going to have a heart attack. Declan was right: now was not the time. But when? When would they get out?

‘No stopping. Move,’ Yonas growled at them.

They walked for more than two hours over the dry, dusty mountains in the hot sun until they finally came to the water source. It was hidden between two huge rocks in a cave.

About eight women were bending down around the sandy, dusty water. They were scooping it up with plastic cups and tipping it into their large barrels.

Ben and Declan began to help the women they were with. Each had one drum. Each water drum held twenty litres of water.

The women smiled at the men and chattered among themselves. One of the younger ones, Feven, looked at the two doctors shyly from under her eyelashes. She was very beautiful. They had noticed her on the second day, when she came in to see how her brother was doing after his operation.

‘She’s a cracker,’ Declan said, as he poured water into his barrel.

‘She looks a bit like Whitney Houston.’

‘No way! She’s more like a tall Halle Berry. I think she’s giving me the eye.’ Declan winked at her and Feven immediately looked away, her cheeks flushed.

‘She definitely likes me,’ Declan said, with a cocky grin. ‘See, Ben? Even in this God-forsaken place I can still pull the ladies.’

Ben looked anxiously over his shoulder to see if Yonas or Eyob had seen the exchange. Grabbing Declan’s arm, he hissed, ‘You can’t flirt with the women here – you’ll get us killed. The men would go mad if they thought you were eyeing them up. Stop it.’

Declan shook Ben’s hand off. ‘Relax – I was only having a bit of fun. Trying to distract myself for ten seconds from the shit we’re in.’

‘I know, but you have to be careful.’

They continued filling the water barrels in silence. When
they were finally full, Ben and Declan tied the barrels around their backs with rope and the four women did the same. Eyob and Yonas watched them, smoking.

‘Hang on,’ Ben said to Yonas. ‘Aren’t you going to help the women carry their water?’

Yonas threw his butt down and stamped it out. ‘No. I am here to making sure you no escape. The womens carry the water every day.’

‘But it’s very heavy,’ Ben said. ‘You should help them.’

‘You shut up and walk,’ Eyob said.

‘Drop it,’ Declan muttered.

The two doctors followed the women up the steep mountain path, trying to keep up with the sure-footed gazelles.

‘Jesus, it’s heavy,’ Declan moaned.

‘How do they do this?’ Ben panted, watching the women striding ahead.

‘No wonder they’re skinny. Who needs the gym?’

‘How long more to go, do you reckon?’ Ben asked.

‘Only another hour or so,’ Declan puffed. ‘Look on the bright side, Ben. At least when we get back home we’ll look fit.’

‘And we’ll have a tan,’ Ben said.

‘We’ll be so hot, the women will be throwing their underwear at us during consultations.’

Ben laughed. He needed Declan. He needed his optimism and strength. He was grateful for one thing: that he hadn’t been kidnapped on his own. That would have been a whole other kind of torture.