The Surrendered Wife (2 page)

You will also have more time and energy to focus on what's most important to you. Whether your desire is to have a more harmonious family, run a top corporation, or both, you'll feel increasing pride as you realize your goals faster than ever before. Surrendering has a way of bringing out the best in us, both as individuals and as wives, which is why it's so worth doing.

Q
UIZ
S
CORING
: H
OW
I
NTIMATE IS
Y
OUR
M
ARRIAGE
?

T
O TOTAL YOUR SCORE, GIVE YOURSELF:

•
5 points for each “rarely”

•
3 points for each “sometimes”

•
1 point for each “frequently”

•
Add all three columns together for a final score (somewhere between 20 and 100)

I
F YOUR SCORE IS 35 OR LESS:

What
intimacy?

You're probably wondering what the heck you ever saw in this guy! But not to worry—the tenderness you seek may just be dormant. If you can remember the reasons you agreed to marry him in the first place and start respecting him for those reasons, you can still have the marriage you always dreamed was possible. Find the courage to stop controlling your husband today. You won't be sorry. You can transform your marriage, starting now.

I
F YOUR SCORE IS
36 T
O
60:

Overworked and Underappreciated

It's hard to tell because you make it look easy, but you're doing too much and you need a break. Start to take better care of yourself and ask for help more often. Your vulnerability will be rewarded if your husband feels respected. Thank your husband for his contributions and you will be well on your way to igniting passion and achieving intimacy.

I
F YOUR SCORE IS
61
OR ABOVE:

Congratulations!

Your marriage is very intimate and passionate. You found a man you respect, and the two of you have a positive impact on each other. This union is a healthy mix of individuality and togetherness. You practice good self-care, you're quick to apologize, and he adores you for it.

T
HE
R
ETURN OF THE
M
AN
W
HO
W
OOED
M
E

“Our thoughts, our words, and deeds are the threads of the net which we throw around ourselves.”

—SWAMI VIVEKANANDA

T
here was no single moment when the surrendered lightbulb went off in my head. Instead, I changed little by little. I experimented, first by keeping my mouth shut—and sometimes even my eyes—when John drove. When we arrived in one piece, I decided that I would always trust him behind the wheel, no matter how strong my urge to control.

Next, I stopped buying his clothes (yes, even his underwear), even though I worried that he wouldn't buy any for himself. (I was wrong.) I learned what not to do from making painful mistakes, like criticizing
the way he maintained the cars, which made me feel like my mother when she was cranky and caused John to watch TV for four straight hours, avoiding me. I prayed for wisdom, and took more baby steps towards approaching the relationship without control.

Slowly but surely, things started to change.

As I stopped bossing him around, giving him advice, burying him in lists of chores to do, criticizing his ideas and taking over every situation as if he couldn't handle it, something magical happened. The union I dreamed of appeared.

The man who wooed me was back.

We were intimate again. Instead of keeping a running list of complaints about how childish and irresponsible he was, I felt genuine gratitude and affection for John. We were sharing our responsibilities without blame or resentment. Instead of bickering all the time, we were laughing together, holding hands, dancing in the kitchen, and enjoying an electrifying closeness that we hadn't had for years.

For our ninth wedding anniversary, I changed my last name to match my husband's. “Now that I know him a little better, I figure I'll give it a shot,” I joked to my friends. What I really meant was that I wanted to be intimate with John in a way that I never was before. I wanted to do something that symbolized my tremendous respect for him, and to acknowledge outwardly an inward shift. This was the natural development of a path I had started some time ago without realizing it.

At first, I felt uneasy when I held my tongue instead of expressing my opinion about everything. Restraining myself from correcting my husband felt like trying to write with my left hand. Life had become awkward!

But there were positive results. Over time, I formed new habits. When I slipped back into my old ways, I stopped to ask myself, “Which do I want more: to have control of every situation or to have an intimate marriage?”

Naturally, emotional connection, lack of tension, dignity, having kindness, and being able to relax always trumped getting the chores done or having things my way all the time. To remind myself of my new priorities, I adopted the word “surrender” as my mantra, because it was shorter and more to the point than saying, “stop trying to control everything.” I repeated “surrender” to myself silently over and over again.

B
ECOMING
Y
OUR
B
EST
S
ELF

“Virtue herself is her own fairest reward.”

—SILIUS ITALICUS

S
urrendering to your husband is not about returning to the fifties or rebelling against feminism.

This book isn't about dumbing down or being rigid.

It's certainly not about subservience.

It's about following some basic principles that will help you change your habits and attitudes to restore intimacy to your marriage. It's about having a relationship that brings out the best in both of you, and growing together as spiritual beings. Surrendering is both gratifying and terrifying, but the results—peace, joy, and feeling good about yourself and your marriage—are proven.

The basic principles of a surrendered wife are that she:

• Relinquishes inappropriate control of her husband

• Respects her husband's thinking

• Receives his gifts graciously and expresses gratitude for him

• Expresses what she wants without trying to control him

• Relies on him to handle household finances

• Focuses on her own self-care and fulfillment

A surrendered wife is:

• Vulnerable where she used to be a nag

• Trusting where she used to be controlling

• Respectful where she used to be demeaning

• Grateful where she used to be dissatisfied

• Has faith where she once had doubt

A surrendered wife has abundance where she was once impoverished, and typically has more disposable income and more satisfying, connected sex than she did before she surrendered.

My sister, Hannah Childs, related the philosophy of the surrendered wife to her experience as a ballroom dance teacher. “In marriage,” she said, “as in ballroom dancing, one must lead and the other must follow. This is not to say that both roles are not equally important. It is rare that I find a woman who can resist ‘backleading.'”

“I did everything he did,” Ginger Rogers once said about Fred Astaire. “And I did it backwards, and in high heels.” Although Fred and Ginger were equally skilled and talented dancers, if they had both tried to lead (or follow), they would have been pulling each other in opposite directions. Quite simply, they would not be in sync, but rather would be tripping over each other and eventually pulling apart. Instead, Ginger let Fred lead her, trusting that he was making her look good and keeping her from harm. Instead of Fred diminishing her, Ginger allowed him to be the foil for her talent.

I want my husband to bring out my very best, too.

T
HE
O
RIGIN OF
C
ONTROL

“One's mind, once stretched by a new idea, never regains its original dimensions.”