The Surrendered Wife (24 page)

One of the men she approached—a stranger—actually picked her up and carried her to her destination. The
Candid Camera
crew tried it again with another man, and again the man picked her up and carried her. By the end of the episode fifteen men had carried the woman to her destination. These men were every size, age, shape, and race, and all of them had the same response: Rescue a woman who needs help.

Is your husband really so different than the men captured by the
Candid Camera?
You will never know until you admit that you need help.

R
ESIST
T
AKING ON THE
W
ORLD

“If a woman can only succeed by emulating men, I think it is a great loss and not a success. The aim is not only for a woman to succeed, but to keep her womanhood and let her womanhood influence society.”

—SUZANNE BROGGER

One last hint: You'll also want to resist expending your energy unnecessarily in conflicts that show up
outside
of your home.

If the landlord, principal, store clerk or the city council is causing you grief, do your best not to engage in a battle. Instead, guard and protect your energy for yourself and your family. Let your husband know that you need help in dealing with these annoying people.

When Stephanie felt that her son's teacher was impatient with him, she marched down to the school to speak to the principal. In
no time she felt overwhelmed by her and the teacher and school psychologist who also came to the meeting. Everyone seemed condescending and uncaring.

As Stephanie left the school with the problem still unresolved, she remembered that her husband, Joe, was ready and willing to defend their son and that all she had to do was ask for help. Stephanie and Joe went to the next conference together and he did most of the talking. Stephanie noticed that his physical stature and crossed arms commanded respect. She was relieved that her complaints were finally being heard. Ultimately, the teacher treated their child with more courtesy, and everyone was happy.

But there's more: Joe felt proud of how he had protected both his wife and child and that made him feel successful, which made him feel strong. In turn, he felt more willing to show his love for his family. Intimacy replaced aggravation, and now Stephanie even had the energy to enjoy it.

Your husband will probably also feel proud to protect you, if you'll let him. You'll love all the fringe benefits—harmony, safety, rest, and intimacy—that go along with acknowledging your limits by saying “I can't.”

If your husband addresses a conflict for you, he'll probably do a great job because generally men don't bring as much emotion to their interpersonal situations as women do. Instead of putting on armor, rely on him to go to battle when it's appropriate, then stand behind him for protection and to lend the support that your presence provides.

On the other hand, your husband may let the whole thing slide because—again—he's not going to feel as much emotion about it as you do. He may deem it unimportant and walk away. When he does, just let it go. Adopt your “So what?” attitude.

It's not your job to put the world right by making sure that the school principal is punished for not doing a good job or that the phone company improves its customer service. Fixing those problems
isn't nearly as important as feeling calm and unburdened so that you can put your energy into creating an intimate marriage.

Nurture yourself and your children instead of taking on the entire world. To put the world right, first put your own self right by focusing on how you feel and what you need. Remember that you can't fix the phone company or the principal, but you can heal yourself.

“Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk everything, you risk even more.

—ERICA JONG

Strive to be vulnerable with your husband by baring your most tender feelings and admitting when you're hurt rather than covering it with anger. When you feel the fear of being rejected or abandoned welling up, find your courage by reminding yourself that you are safe with your husband.

Keep in mind that you can be intimate with your husband only to the degree that you are willing to show him your soft underbelly, because vulnerability is the part of us that connects with other human beings.

Vulnerability is not the same as weakness—it actually takes much more strength and courage to risk emotionally than it does to stay defended.

S
urrendering requires that you purposely make yourself vulnerable. You must take some risks to have the kind of marriage you crave.

Being vulnerable with my husband means letting my tears come instead of masking my hurt with anger. It means that even when I feel attacked, I put my fists down and let him see that I am fragile. It means holding steady even when I realize I could be rejected or abandoned when I'm the least prepared for it.

But why would I do any of that? Why take those risks at all?

Because I can enjoy intimacy with my husband
only
to the degree that I can be vulnerable with him. Thus, a critical part of surrendering is striving to be vulnerable with your husband.

When you are unguarded, you reveal the part of you that naturally connects to another human being. You remind him of your humanity—and his—and you inspire his masculine instinct to protect and support you. (Remember the
Candid Camera
gag?)

When you let down your guard, the truth comes out in an endearing way, and you feel the incomparable pleasure and joy of being loved just as you are, not for who you think you should be. Intimacy and closeness spring from the relief of admitting you're not at all perfect, and finding out that you're still lovable. Intimacy thrives when you relax in your own skin—without having to be vigilant—because you know you're safe.

“O
VERRIDING
Y
OUR
S
URVIVAL
I
NSTINCTS

“Intimacy requires courage because risk is inescapable. We cannot know at the outset how the relationship will affect us.”

—ROLLO MAY

S
urrendering to your husband may make you feel more vulnerable than ever before. Even your own survival instincts will scream at you that being vulnerable in your marriage is insanity. You risk heartbreak and disappointment when you reveal your true desires and feelings without masking them with anger or control. The reward for taking that risk, however, is that your husband will have the opportunity to respond with tenderness instead of defensiveness. When your iron curtain comes down, he will feel safe to reveal himself, too. Instead of breaking your heart, he will hold it tenderly.

Some people may tell you that surrendering is appalling because it is “so sexist and antifeminist.” They will claim that the mind-set I am suggesting is a throwback to the 1950s, and that you will be giving up the equality and independence women have gained.

Their underlying message is don't let yourself be too vulnerable.

I understand this because I once thought of vulnerability as something to avoid. I thought that people who were vulnerable were weak, which was a terribly unattractive quality for an able-bodied and strong-minded woman to present to the world. Today, however, I strive to be vulnerable in my marriage, and I consider my ability to
go to that tender place one of my best qualities. I no longer think of my vulnerability as repulsive; instead I recognize that it's attractive.

The most attractive part about it is the glow that comes from having that magical feeling of knowing that you are passionately and tenderly loved and that you love back completely. When you're intimate, you know traits about each other that you never show to the rest of the world, and you find each other even more attractive and wonderful because of those qualities. You feel certain that he will never use what he knows against you, because you shared it with utter trust and confidence that he is honor-bound to hold in safe hands.

Sharing that kind of intimacy naturally clears the way for affection and love because it removes the barriers of defense. Your passion was there all the time, but you couldn't feel it through the distance between you and your mate. The same urgent impulse to intertwine that you felt when you first met is still there, and when the conditions are right, you feel it all over again.

This primal and spiritual state perpetuates a healthy sex life, the willingness to hang in through hard times, a spark of excitement in what would otherwise be an ordinary day, and that enduring look of affection you sometimes see from couples who have been together for a very long time.

T
ELL
H
IM
Y
OU
M
ISS
H
IM

I
n the old days I used to tell my husband to stop watching so much TV. I would implore him to cut his late hours at work. I told him I needed help with the yard. Of course what I really wanted was for him to pay more attention to me. Needless to say at this point, my strategy was worse than useless.

I now have a more vulnerable and more effective approach, which I'll explain.

Let's suppose you want more attention—more romance—in your marriage. Let's suppose further that your husband is gone a lot because he works too much or plays golf frequently. You might feel that if he would just work or golf a little less and stay home a little more, he would have more time to for you. In your mind, whatever is taking all his time is preventing you from having long conversations, candlelight dinners and bubble baths for two. You might begin to resent whatever he does while he's away because, in your mind, you are in competition with that activity for his time and attention.

Megan felt this way about her marriage. Her husband, Steve, was in a high-tech business and frequently worked late. She often told him she was sick of his working so much and that she needed help around the house. Of course, this didn't keep him home more.