The Surrendered Wife (34 page)

W
hat if you don't believe in a power greater than you?

You will have to find one.

Look around for clues that there is someone more powerful than you. Go down to the ocean and try to order it around. Stand in the middle of a wheat field and try to make it still. The same force that's there is watching out for you, your husband, and your children.

When I first started my spiritual journey fourteen years ago, I had to act as if I believed there was a higher power when I wasn't really convinced that there was one. I had rejected the God of my childhood for being too neglectful, punishing, and insensitive. I couldn't find his compassion. In retrospect, I was probably transferring qualities that I disliked in my parents onto this God. Nevertheless, I fired the God I had been brought up with and I wrote about what I wanted in a higher power and decided that he existed for me; I had faith that he would show me the way. It worked.

Here's what I believe to be true: My higher power is a creative, humorous, compassionate Spirit that is manifested in my life through other people and my own inner voice. I get plenty of generous gifts from Spirit, including my wonderful husband, my beautiful home, the inspiration to write, and the friendship of
incredible women. I choose my own path, and Spirit honors my decisions, even if they are not in my best interest. Sometimes I meet unpleasant consequences this way, but Spirit is always there to show me what to do next. Spirit knows about my sadness and comforts me when I cry.

I can hear Spirit best when I am quiet and introspective. I have a hard time connecting with Spirit when I'm afraid of the future. When I take time for solitude and meditation, care for myself, stay in gratitude and trust that Spirit is taking care of me, things seem to flow more easily. I find more laughter and joy in my day when I tune into Spirit. Spirit often tells me that he made this day for me, and that he wants me to enjoy it. I know that I'm precious to Spirit, and this makes me feel safe. I thank Spirit regularly and I try to remember that Spirit has made this day, and so in my eyes it is wonderful.

“We seldom attribute common sense except to those who agree with us.”

—LA ROCHEFOUCAULD

What are you having trouble with in your life? Ask your husband what he thinks you should do, and be prepared to follow through with his suggestion. Instead of negotiating by arguing with him, tell him what you want and don't want, how you feel and what your limits are.

Why carry all of life's burdens yourself when your husband is there, ready and willing to solve problems on your behalf? Admitting that you don't know what to do in every situation will actually make you stronger, not weaker, as you absorb his strength and wisdom for your benefit.

T
he Training Method was one of my more subversive (yet ineffective) tactics for controlling my husband. I (wrongly) assumed that I could
train
John to give the right answer (my answer) to any question just by setting him up so that essentially, all he would have to do is fill in the blank. The friction that this caused, of course, was off the charts. That's because if he gave the “wrong” answer (something other than what I thought), I simply told him the “right” answer (what I thought), hoping he would eventually start to think like me.

He didn't. He grew irritated.

Here's an example:

M
E
: Do you think we should get a new water heater? (Me asking the “setup” question)

H
IM
: No, the old one's working fine, and we can wait to replace it until something goes wrong. (Him, saying what he thinks and unwittingly giving the “wrong” answer)

M
E
: I was thinking that we should just replace it now since we know it's on its last leg. That way, we can avoid a crisis. (Me arguing with what he thinks)

H
IM
: It doesn't seem like a priority right now. Those things can last a long time. (Him defending his position)

M
E
: I think you're asking for trouble by just waiting around for the whole thing to fall apart. It'll leak all over the carpet and leave us with no hot water for days. Why would you want to do that? (Me insulting him)

H
IM
: I don't think that's going to happen. (Him defending himself)

M
E
: Well you should think these things through. (Me further criticizing him)

Gee, I wonder why that bugged him?

The reason I asked John what to do was not because I wanted
his
opinion, but because I didn't want to be alone in my opinion. I wrongly thought that intimacy resulted from our both thinking the same thing. I was also hoping that he might offer to take initiative (i.e., call the water heater company to schedule and oversee the installation), so I wouldn't have to do everything. I was longing for that partnership I'd heard marriage could be, and I thought that discussing decisions—big or small—would contribute to intimacy. Instead, these conversations just proved how little I respected him.

John's a man, so that means he doesn't think like me. Thank goodness for that, because I'd probably get bored and lonely living with myself. On the downside, it took me quite a while to stop trying to “train” him and actually regard his answers as wise. At first, every time he said something that I disagreed with, it fortified my belief that he wasn't really somebody I could depend on. I probably should have just married myself and saved us both a lot of trouble.

A S
OURCE OF
E
LEGANT
S
OLUTIONS

I
don't ask my husband to solve all of my problems, of course. Many of the challenges I come up against I can and do handle myself. At times when I'm stuck, however, I've found that John's a tremendous resource. I had simply never learned to take advantage of his help until I surrendered.

Those of us who have been controlling for so long have a hard time making this transition. We were so used to taking care of everything by ourselves that it just didn't occur to us to reach out to our husbands for help. Add to that our unwillingness to do things any way but our way, and you have a steely, independent existence, even when we are married to smart, capable men. In reality, we don't ask for help because we don't want to be vulnerable: to risk that our husbands would make costly mistakes, or worse, to find out that they wouldn't or couldn't help us.

Not until I surrendered could I see that I was throwing away something I had once valued: his ideas. I decided to try to listen to them, even if I didn't like them. Sometimes the ideas would scare me, but by clearly expressing my desires and feelings, and by acting in faith, I could compromise and avoid crushing intimacy. The same has been true for other women.

For instance, my friend Phoebe was frustrated that the backyard of her new house was covered with hundreds of paving stones where she wanted a lawn. It was expensive to have them removed, and they were too numerous to move herself. So, Phoebe told her husband she wanted a lawn in the backyard and asked him what he thought they should do with all the paving stones.

Phoebe secretly wanted to hire someone to bring a dump truck to the house and was hoping her husband would suggest it. Instead, he proposed that they advertise in a local paper that they were offering free paving stones to anyone who would come and get them. Inside, Phoebe cringed at the idea of trying to give away paving stones that were in her backyard because she didn't think anyone would want them. Nevertheless, she went along with his idea.

People showed up in droves, happy to pry up their own stones to take with them. The following week, Phoebe had a dirt yard, ready for a new lawn. She hadn't had to do or pay a thing, and she appreciated that her husband's solution was a happier, more ecologically
sound one than filling the local landfill. Suddenly, she remembered why she admired her husband in the first place.

Remember, if you're going to ask your husband for input, be prepared to hear his response and go along with it. Don't let your preconceived notions prejudice you against his ideas. After all, if you ask his opinion, then do something else, why did you bother? It would have been more honest to tell him what you wanted to do, rather than asking an open-ended question. Be open to his answers, rather than rejecting them immediately. Really hear him.

N
EW AND
I
MPROVED
N
EGOTIATIONS

“Never go to bed angry. Stay up and fight.”

—PHYLLIS DILLER

M
aybe you've rejected your husband's answers in the past because you were afraid he was wrong. Maybe you just wanted to stay in control. Perhaps you were testing him (like I used to) to see if he knew the “right” answer. Perhaps you thought you were smarter than him.

Recognize that honoring his answers takes the same amount of courage that trusting him does.

Honoring his thoughts and ideas doesn't mean that you can't have a conversation—just don't argue with his thinking. Instead, stick to telling him how you feel and what you want. Be direct. (See Chapter 5: Express Your Desires) Remember that how you feel influences your husband's thinking, just as his thinking will
also color how you feel. If he thinks you should wait to get new carpet until after all the painting is done and you don't want to, you can say so. If he still thinks you should, then wait.

You won't die from having old carpet for another month or two, but you could kill the intimacy in your marriage by disregarding what he thinks so you can have your way. Is it worth that? He may change his mind once he hears what you want, so don't be afraid to share your feelings. His first reaction is not necessarily his best thinking, so let the conversation run its course.

But in the end, accept his position. Remember that your goal is to bring intimacy to your marriage and to get out of the lonely trap. Your goal is
not
to be right all the time. It is
not
to get exactly what you want when you want it. When you argue, you're heading toward the wrong goal.

Deferring to my husband was the hardest part of surrendering for me. I know that I'm smart and I didn't see why I should have to go along with what he thought just to avoid an argument. Why shouldn't
he
defer to my thinking to preserve intimacy? I spent some time hating the whole idea of doing what he thought was right when I disagreed. Then, as I started to rely on his thinking more, I began to see this new arrangement as a form of negotiation that felt better than steamrollering him. For example, the day before I planned to be a guest on a talk-radio show in Los Angeles, John and I had a negotiation that went like this:

H
IM
: Maybe you should leave at 8:00 instead of 8:30 to get to the radio show on time. (Him saying what he thinks)

M
E
: I don't want to leave that early. (Me stating what I want or don't want)