The Strength to Fall (McKinnon Brothers Book 1) (5 page)

Chapter Seven

              Here I am again, staring at the elevator doors waiting to take me to the 40
th
floor and trying my best to just get on and ride up like any normal person. That’s just it though, I’m not any normal person. I’m an anxiety ridden shell of the person I used to be and right now I hate this version of myself. I’m doing my breathing exercise and I have my earbuds in listening to my music—all tactics taught to me by my therapist, Dr. May. This is how I convinced myself to get on for the trip down when I went to see Doc. That and the fear of seeing Ozias after our awkward evening. It still was a horrible trip, but at least I did it. I’m telling myself that now as I see the circular, red lights highlighting the floor numbers slowly descend and I brace myself for the door to open as it reaches the lobby. Ding. I hear the signal that it’s reached its destination.

              “Adira!” Ozias is standing in front of me with a worried expression on his face. I took my earbuds out so I can hear him. “Where have you been? You didn’t answer your cell so I’ve been worried!”

              “I went to see Doc, to get my x-ray.” I felt a to– the-point explanation was all he needed and I really didn’t want to have another stressful day, so I avoided the real question in his eyes.

              “You could have woken me. I would have taken you.” He seemed really hurt and I silently cursed myself again.

              “You had done enough for me, and besides, I’m capable of taking care of myself.” I crossed my arms across my chest and held my head up. I really doubted the words I said but that was why I was here, to prove just that.

              “Are you on your way up?”

              “Yes, I’m tired. I think I’ll lie down.”

              “Have you eaten? If not, I could get you something or take you somewhere?”

              I started to oppose but the truth was I hadn’t eaten and I was starving so, I figured this was a peace offering. “Ok. Where do you want to go?” Ozias’ startled expression told me he thought I’d say no.

              “There’s a coffee shop around the corner that has a small breakfast and lunch menu. Would that be ok?”

              “Yes, that’s just fine.” I turned on my crutches and followed him to the coffee shop.

              It was a quaint little shop with only enough table and chairs to sit about twenty people. The smell of coffee hit me and I breathed in the wonderful scent. I smiled, coffee always made me smile.

              “Here we can sit in the corner by the window. That will give you the most room.” He escorted me to the table and his hand lightly touched the small of my back. It was an intimate gesture and his touch made me shiver. Why does this affect me so? It was starting to annoy me in a way because I really had no intention of dating or really looking for a man while I was here. I had to focus or I’d lose sight of my goals, to be an independent woman, and that was very important to me.

              I sat down and Ozias went to the counter and pointed to me as he spoke to the man behind the counter. I saw the man shake his head indicating a “yes” and grab a pen and pad and came to our table.
              “I asked Charles, the manager, to take your order at our table so you don’t have to stand up.” He motioned to Charles as he sat down across from me.

              I appreciated the gesture but I really didn’t want to be treated like an invalid, but I was trying to make peace between us so I smiled and looked to Charles.

              “Here’s our breakfast menu. It’s 9:00 so we’ll cook breakfast items for 30 more minutes unless you would prefer to wait for the lunch menu and just have coffee or tea until then.” He handed me a small menu. I looked to Ozias as to what he’d prefer.

              “Your choice. I could do either.” Ozias said.

              “Well, I think we’ll just have breakfast then.” I glanced at the menu and saw a veggie omelet. “I’ll have the vegetable omelet with wheat toast and a medium caramel mocha, skim milk, but with whip cream.” I handed him back the menu.

              “I’ll have the Greek omelet with wheat toast and a medium roast coffee, just bring cream and sugar.” Ozias gave Charles his order and Charles left to walk to the kitchen.

              The shop was almost empty with just a few patrons so I felt the need to whisper when I talked. I decided to clear the elephant in the room.

              “Ozias.” He looked at me nervously. “I just wanted to say I’m sorry for my reaction last night and I hope you know how much I appreciate all you did for me. It was unfair of me to get that upset when I was the one who talked you into helping me in the tub in the first place. Plus, I could tell by your actions you were trying very hard not to look.” I couldn’t help but smile and lightly laugh when I said that. Ozias looked relieved at hearing me laugh about the situation. I also saw a slight blush.

              “I really did just want to help. I know that seems impossible that a man really wasn’t trying to just take advantage of a situation, Hell, I know my brothers would have done just that. I’m just not that kind of guy.” He looked to his hand folded on the table and I wondered if he was trying to tell me he was gay. That would be startling to me only because of the reaction I keep having to him and the connection I thought we had. It would be my luck to fall for a guy that couldn’t be interested in me in any way. He must have realized what I was thinking because he started to speak louder and with more emphasis.

              “Wait, that didn’t come out right. I don’t mean I’m not the kind of guy who doesn’t
want
to see a beautiful woman naked in my tub. I’m just not the kind of guy to take advantage of the situation….if that makes what I was trying to say more clear.” He seemed very concerned I wouldn’t believe him.

“I believe you, Ozias, and that is one of the reasons I’m apologizing. I was very tired and embarrassed and I behaved poorly. Please let’s just start over. Clean slate?” I extended my hand towards his as a peace offering.

“Clean slate.” He took my hand and shook it and that electric shock returned. We both snapped our heads up to make eye contact. His pupils dilated and his lips were tight, like he was trying hard to concentrate and I just smiled the goofiest school girl crush smile imaginable. God, I was hopeless. Thankfully Charles returned with our coffees and we had to break hands. If I had to keep holding Ozias’ hand for much longer I wouldn’t want to let go.

              I watched Ozias prepare his coffee like he wanted, taking small sips and adding more cream or sugar until it was just right. He added two sugars and two creams, I made a mental note. Wait! That’s so a girlfriend type of thing! I’m in trouble if I don’t clearly set the boundary for this relationship right now—we’re friends and neighbors, that’s it. It can’t be more because if I allow that to happen I will never accomplish what I came here to do. I slowly sipped my coffee and when I removed my lips from the cup I had a whip cream mustache. I started to use my napkin to wipe it away when I felt Ozias’ finger graze my lip. I jerked back and met his eyes. He took his finger covered with whip cream and licked it slowly. What the hell!!! This guy ran hot and cold! I was in a daze watching him lick the whip cream…..Oh…my….God, I’m in trouble.

              I leaned in closer to him. “What was that?” I asked in a hushed voice but with an edge of anger.

              “I, I don’t know. It’s like I couldn’t help myself.” He signed and looked down. “I’ve never done anything like that before. I would have never even dared to. I don’t know what it is about you that makes me do things and say things I would never and have never done.” He glanced up at me. “I know that’s no excuse. I’m sorry.”

              I didn’t know what to say so I just sat there and lifted my cup back to my lips as I licked the rest of the whip cream from my lips.

              “Please don’t lick your lips like that,” Ozias said in a strained voice.

              I knew then that there was no way to stop this, whatever this was, we both were feeling. We had some kind of amazing but confusing and frustrated connection. If this was a man I’d never see again, I’d just let it go, but he lived right next door. I had to handle this now.

              “Ozias, do you know why my aunt willed me her co-op or did you even know that she had?” His shocked expression told me this was not what he was expecting me to say, but I needed to change the subject fast.

              Charles came to the table with our food right then and I think Ozias felt relieved. We both were quiet for several minutes as we started to eat. The omelet was wonderful and I realized how hungry I really was. Yes, eating was a good distraction from the heavy feelings I was having.

              Ozias wiped his mouth after finishing his omelet and started to speak. “No, I didn’t and don’t know why Claire willed you her co-op. I know she had been married once but I don’t even know the man’s name, she just called him “her late husband”, and she rarely spoke about him. I know she didn’t have children, so I assumed since she passed so suddenly that either she had named someone in her will, a local friend, or that she gave the board permission to sell it. I know she willed her possessions to charity so that wouldn’t have surprised me. I’ll be honest though, the last thing I would have thought was that she willed it to family. I’m sure it’s hard to hear, but she never spoke of you, of any of her family, I mean, I knew you existed but never any details or names. The few trips she took to see family she seemed forlorn and nervous to go.” He looked regretful to say those word to me.

              “Forlorn and nervous? I never would have thought that. Yes, she rarely visited, but when she was there she was smiling and laughing, full of energy. She’d do scavenger hunts with my brothers and me and take us to fun and interesting places. She was exciting. My parents owned a small restaurant so they worked all the time. They were wonderful people, but very busy people.”

              “I didn’t mean to make you think she didn’t want to see you. I’m just telling you what she was like to me. She would stay gone for weeks and come home and sleep for days. Then she’d appear out of nowhere and ask me if I wanted to get pizza and watch a movie or go walk in the park. We talked about mundane things and she asked me about my life, or lack thereof, but if I asked her personal questions she’d change the subject. My only aunt is about Claire’s age but she’s snobby and the most unpleasant person. Claire was fun and like the aunt mine wasn’t. Ozias really did miss my aunt and it was wrong, but I felt jealous.

              “Do you know what year she moved in to the co-op? I know she lived in some mansion with her late husband. I never met him. I believe he was her boss for years. I think his name was Howard, I don’t even remember his last name because she kept her maiden. He was wealthy and she did get a good deal of money when he passed. I guess that’s how she bought the co-op? I remember my grandmother telling me he passed away from cancer when they had only been married three years. I think it was 2006, the year I graduated from high school and one of her last times to visit. She came only one more time to see me graduate from college and the twins from high school, 2009.”

              “That’s the year she moved in, 2006. I remember because a couple lived next door but when they had their third child they wanted to move out of the city to a house with a yard. Dad was hoping my brother would buy it and if not he was going to, but then Claire bought it. It was in 2009 dad bought my unit from another couple and he let me move in until I could one day purchase it from him.

              “So, you’d known her since 2006, then?”

              He shook his head yes. “Hey, are you ready to go?” He asked breaking my thoughts. “It looks like it may rain and with you on crutches, that may be difficult.”
              I glanced out the window to see gray light casting shadows over the skyline. The wind was starting to pick up and I felt a chill past through me. “Yes, I need to get home. Now, please.”

Chapter Eight

              “May I hold your hand in the elevator, just to help you get through riding?” Ozias was so thoughtful and it was appearing to be harder to keep him in the friend zone. I did need his hand to help me, so I took it. His hand was warm and fit perfectly in mine.

              “Talk to me. About anything to distract me.”

              “Well, we can continue our book conversation. You never answered me, what is your favorite?”

              “Too many favorites to pick just one. Let me see, well, I love
The Winter Garden
by Kristin Hannah.”

              “Yes, you mentioned her before. Contemporary fiction, right? Any other genres?”

              “Yes, and don’t laugh, but I love some young adult, like Twilight and Divergent. The Hunger Games are good too.” I waited to see if he was going to make fun of me but he just stared at me like he was really concentrating. “Ok, and don’t tell, but I like a little bit of naughty too.” I smiled at him and I felt my cheeks flush.

              The elevator ding signaling we were at our destination. That was the least stressful elevator ride I have had in five years! Ozias could calm and anger me like no man I had ever met!

              We settled into his co-op and the rain began to come down in sheets.

              “Just in time,” he said pointing out the window.

              I nodded. “Weather is another trigger. You must think I’m a basket case.”

              “No, I think you’re human.”

              That comment warmed me and I gave him a look that let him know so.

              “So, what did Dad say? I’m assuming not broken since you just have your ankle wrapped now. Still need the crutches though?”

              “Yes, not broken, thank God. It is sprained but he really feels it will heal quickly if I stay off of it for at least a week and continue the RICE. So I guess I need to call and see if I can get permission to move my furniture sooner?”

              “Not gonna happen. The board is full of pretentious, old people who are sticklers for rules. I’m surprised they let you take the co-op. Not because of you but they like to keep this a family orientated environment. When my dad bought this unit and I started living here, they freaked out at first, which was ridiculous because they know me. I’ve lived here my whole life. My dad is very respected by the board so if they give him grief over letting his son move in here, trust me, they won’t let you move your furniture before Tuesday.”

              “How did Aunt Claire get them to agree to her moving in then?”

              Ozias was silent. I raised my eyebrows to indicate I was waiting for his answer.

              “I’m not certain but I imagine my dad gave her a referral.”

              “You just said your dad doesn’t have that much pull with the board.”

              “He doesn’t. They are quite firm about their rules but they do like donations too. Claire never said but I think she donated money for the greenhouse on the roof. It’s small but very unique to our building. She loved being in there. She planted all kinds of flowers. There is a man that comes weekly to maintain it but she’s the only resident I know that had permission to plant flowers.

              “I didn’t know she did that. I’m learning I didn’t know the majority of what she did. I was quite shocked when her lawyer contacted me about her will. It’s still surreal to me that I own a co-op in a big. I was planning to just sell it but the first time I visited, I knew I needed to try living here. So I’m going to give it a year and if I hate it or am too homesick I’ll sell it.”

              Ozias looked sad about my statement. “Well, I have to convince you to stay then.” He walked towards me from where he was standing by the windows and sat beside me. “Put your feet in my lap. Massage is good for sprains. I’ll be gentle.” He gently took my feet, removed my flip flops and placed my feet in his lap. The minute he started massaging my ankle, I felt so relaxed, just like last night. Last night! Better fight to stay awake this time but my lids were getting heavy. With the sound of the rain and the relaxing feeling of Ozias’ touch I gave up the fight and drifted off to sleep.

              Warm arms are wrapped around me and I push my butt further back to snuggle even closer. I sigh and feel so comfortable. I take the strong arm draped over me and pull it closer to my breast pressing it slightly. My stomach tightens and I squirm a little, feeling aroused. I start to roll over slowly and I smell a clean, crisp scent, strictly male. My lips brush skin and by reflex I kiss the warm area. That’s when my eyes flew open and I realized Ozias’ arms are wrapped around me and we are asleep on his wide leather couch. My kiss on the v of his neck exposed by his blue t-shirt, roused him from sleep. He opened his eyes and stared straight into mine. There was a spark in the air and before I could talk myself out of it I leaned in. He took the opportunity and our lips collided, soft at first but then with an intensity. I grabbed the back of his neck and twirled my fingers through his hair pulling him closer. He moaned into my mouth exploring with his tongue, a little wildly like a first kiss. He tasted sweet and a little salty, perfect. He gently moved me to my back and was now above me. He broke the kiss just long enough for us both to take a breath then he lightly traced my lips with his tongue. I was aware of his body to my side and when he tried to move over me I panicked about my ankle getting hit, so I gasped slightly and pushed on his chest a little. I could feel his heart beating wildly, as was mine. He pulled up to look at me questionably.

              “Am I doing it wrong? Did I hurt you?” he asked shyly.

              “What? No. I was just nervous about my ankle. What do you mean are you doing it wrong? Do you kiss every girl a different way?” His question confused me.

              He was slow to answer. “No, I’ve never kissed any other girls before.” I stared at him with huge eyes and my mouth hung open. I guess he took that as an invitation because he leaned in for another kiss.

              I stopped him and pushed to sit up. I ran my hands through my hair untangling it from the nap. “Uh, Ozias. Are you being honest with me, because I won’t think it’s cute if you’re lying? How could that be? What are you, 25, 26? There’s no way that’s possible.”

              He sat up next to me and played with the ends of his shirt and in that moment he looked like a boy instead of a man. Was it true? How could it be?

              “I’m telling you the truth. I told you, I don’t lie well, I’m overly honest and it gets me in trouble most of the time.” He paused looking like he was weighing what to say next. “You’ve just met me so you don’t know how I was as a child. I was always the smallest and the smartest, that’s a bad combo for school. I thought college would be different, I was younger than everyone though, and by then I was used to girls ignoring me—or just making fun of me—and the few friends I had were like me so we just hung out together and played games and stuff.”

His eyes cut towards me and I just sat there listening. “Look, what I’m trying to say is, um, that I’ve never even been out on a date, not a real one. My mom used to set me up until I begged her to stop. The girls were always daughters of her friends and they would look at me either pitifully or with disgust. Most of them had been thrown out of good private schools or dating guys their parents disapproved, so I was kind of punishment for their actions. It was their parents’ way of saying. ‘You best behave or this is the kind of guy I’m going to make you marry’” He said the last sentence pointing his finger out and using a “dad” type voice. I smiled at how cute he was doing that. He suddenly got up. “Hey, need something to drink because I do if we’re going to have this conversation?” He got up and moved to the kitchen.

              “Sure. What do you have?”

              “I have some red wine, not sure what kind. It was a gift. I don’t drink often. I think I may have some whiskey. Honestly, I just need some water but if you want something stronger I can get it.”
              “Water’s fine. I don’t drink much either. I don’t like to feel out of control,” I explained.

              He looked at me with the silliest grin. “Exactly, me either. My friends don’t get it. I never want to go out because that’s all they want to do. They think it gives them the courage to talk to girls but honestly it makes them act like asses.” He handed me a bottled water and sat back down.

              I could tell how nervous he was. He was rubbing his neck and bouncing his knee up and down. I placed my hand upon his shaking knee. “Why don’t you just tell me one thing you think I need to know and if you feel comfortable sharing more you can but if not, we’ll just table this conversation for another time.” That seems to calm him a little, but just a little.

              “Ok, here goes. Adira,” he paused obviously having an internal battle as to what to say. “I…,” he coughed and looked down, “I’m a virgin. Whew! I am so glad that’s out of the way. He wiped his forehead with the palm of his hand. I had already assumed that with the confession of I was his first kiss and no dating, but hearing him say it out loud was still a shock. “Ozias, that’s nothing to be ashamed of. Honestly, I wish I was. I regret sleeping with my first. I was in a bad time in my life and I just did it to try and forget the pain I was in. Today everyone assumes something’s wrong with you if you’re a virgin even in high school. I think it’s a good thing. You’re waiting for the right one.” I hoped my words helped his nervousness.

              “Tell that to every guy my age. I’m 25, almost 26, it’s just humiliating. I wish I could tell you I was old fashioned and that I’ve been waiting for the girl I was going to marry, but that’s not true. I’ve just never had the confidence or met anyone who would even give me a chance. I am old fashioned in some ways, but if I thought I could have had sex in college or any day since, you can bet I would have.” His smiled lite up his face and those dimples appeared again.

              “I’ve got to tell you that I think you’re very attractive.” He cut his eyes at me and shook his head. “Seriously, you’re hot. How is it possible that women haven’t flirted with you? You must work out, right, I mean you’re body is so tone. Has no one ever given you a clue they’re interested?”

              “You can’t imagine how happy it makes me to hear you say those words. If I could go back in time and tell my teenage self that a beautiful women thinks I’m hot, it would have gotten me through some tough times.” He grinned, a little seductively. “I don’t think I’d even notice if a woman was flirting with me. I’ve conditioned myself to not even pay much attention to women in that way. Once you’ve been shot down so many times, you just stay down. I was teased mercifully in high school. In college, I was a study buddy but not even a friend. I’m short for a guy and I was really skinny until about junior year in college. I started working out and only taking the stairs. I filled out but I didn’t know how to act around women or talk to them. You are the only woman who I’ve ever had the courage or the motivation to be myself with, to say and do things I’ve only thought in my mind but never played out. It’s like you’re a dream come true.”

              That was flattering but also very scary. I just met him and he’s saying I’m his dream girl. This was all too fast, too crazy! I scooted over to put some distance between us.

              “Ozias… that’s very sweet of you to say, but, well, we just met. I can’t be your dream girl. I’m flattered that you feel you can talk to me and even act upon some of your feelings, but we don’t know each other. What you feel is probably no more than lust, and trust me, I’ve been there. I’ve confused lust for love and it just ends in heartache. We have to live next door to each other at least for the next year. I don’t want anything to happen that will hurt either one of us. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

              He hung his head down and was quiet and just when I thought he was going to speak again, he stood up and left the room. He went out on the covered balcony and shut the sliding glass door shutting me out literally and figuratively.  I didn’t know what to do so I sat there a few minutes and when he didn’t come back in I got up and went to the guest room.