The Remedy Files: Illusion (16 page)

I freeze my movement, listening intently to his story. I’ve never seen a dead body before. I can’t fathom the horror he must have felt.

“And next to her was this tiny bundle wrapped up in a blanket with spots of blood on it. I knew that was my baby. Everything in me knew it. I unwrapped the blanket and inside was this beautiful baby boy…” I watch Liam’s back as it begins heaving fiercely. “They killed him, Evangeline. They didn’t even care. They just killed him.”

“But why?” I didn’t mean to let it slip. Now wasn’t the time for questions. I have so many and they keep mixing with all of these new emotions and revelations. 

“Because he wouldn’t have survived in Impetus.” Liam angrily shakes his head. “Something was wrong with his eyes so he would have been born blind. Without feeling, there would have been no way for him to get around. They chose their damn Remedy lies over keeping him alive.” Sobs escape from Liam’s mouth. I want to comfort him but am aware I have no clothes on. I don’t want to ask him for a towel, so I stay in the water, remaining quiet and letting him grieve as much as he needs.

Once he starts talking again, he tells me how Gavin had burst into the room in search of Liam and saw him holding the baby in his arms. Gavin dragged Liam out of the Clinic, allowing him to bring the baby’s body with them. Once in a safe spot outside of Impetus and closer to Rebirth, they stopped running long enough for Liam to be able to say goodbye to his son.  

“Gavin dug the grave while I sat there and cuddled this beautiful baby boy. He had these unbelievable crystal blue eyes. I closed the lids so he wouldn’t have to look at this forsaken world any longer. Gavin let me have a few minutes before we had to bury him. I named him Jack. At least Jack got a proper burial compared to whatever those monsters in Impetus were going to do to him.” Liam’s head droops further. His hands cover his face so I can barely make out the words when he says, “You should have seen him. He was absolutely beautiful.”

Gavin had later educated Liam that since his pairing had conceived at such a later age than most in the Community, Remedy had become more harmful with the infection that already rested inside of her. Unfortunately, she had passed that onto the baby.

The Doctor knew about halfway through the pregnancy that the baby had contracted the same infection which had caused the blindness to become more evident in the tests. Since Angela could no longer be counted on to give birth without passing on continuous infections, the Board made the decision to terminate them both and work to convert Liam into a soldier.

“The worst part is that I buried my baby son while feeling. I know what you think you are going through now is hard, Evangeline. But wait until you learn what love is and have to say goodbye to somebody that is a genuine part of who you are. I hope you never have to experience that but I can tell you, there are feelings far worse than withdrawal. However, there are also emotions far better like when you are staring into your own son’s eyes, holding on to him and feeling that love for the very first time.”

I become quite aware that my situation is nothing compared to what Liam had to go through. I suddenly feel guilty recalling my outburst to him days earlier and how I had shouted that I didn’t kill his baby. I’m sure I made him think of all of this by bringing it up in such a terrible way.

“I’m so sorry, Liam…” I start to say.

Liam interrupts me. “It’s the past, Evangeline. There’s nothing I can do about it except make sure the future is nothing like that. And trust me; I will do whatever it takes.”

CHAPTER 22
 

The silence that followed Liam sharing his story with me was equally as momentous as hearing what happened to him. In that stillness, I could sense his vulnerability, and a mixture of deep pain and indescribable yearning filled the air. At first, I thought it was an internal reaction but then I noticed Liam’s back stiffen as he sits up straighter as though the wind caught the drift and encompassed both of us together in it.

I start walking towards him, moving silently in the water, a part of me debating whether I should ask him to turn around and look at me. Before I can open my mouth, Liam says, “We should get back to everyone else.”

My shoulders slump in disappointment. I don’t know what I had in mind for next steps, but going back to Rebirth and interrupting this moment we are sharing isn’t my first choice.

Liam places the towel on the log, and walks away to the edge of the trees, giving me privacy to get out of the water. I climb out over the edge, grab the towel and dry off as best as possible. Searching in the bag, I find the change of clothes that Marlena provided. I slip on the undergarments, pair of black jeans, plain white t-shirt, and sneakers. It’s amazing how much a bath and change of clothes can make me feel like a whole new person. It’s like I have more strength than even earlier this morning.

Liam and I walk back to Rebirth in silence, his arm around my waist as a crutch just in case I need it. Marlena is the first one we see when we enter through the opening. My first reaction is to avoid eye contact and walk back to my cot with Liam. Instead she yells, “Hey, good morning guys!” and jogs over with her perfect ponytail bouncing behind her once again.

“Was that your first bath since you’ve been here, Evangeline?” She reaches out to touch my wet hair. “Doesn’t the water feel magnificent here?”

I nod. “I think any sort of water would feel incredible at this point.” I reply.

She giggles, realizing the irony in it. “Hey, let me help you with your hair. I’m sure it’s hard to do right now and you don’t need to be walking around with it wet all morning.”

Before I can protest, Marlena puts her arm around my waist on the opposite side of Liam. She winks at him and says, “I got her from here. You go on and play with the rest of the boys.”

Liam hesitates for a moment but then lets his hand drop from my waist. Turning to face me, he whispers, “Let me know if you need anything else, okay? I’ll see you later.”

I give a small wave in acknowledgement, feeling a little sad that he’s walking away. He opened up so much this morning and since I couldn’t find the right words to say or things to do, there is a bit of an empty sensation to our conversation ending in this way.

Marlena’s voice soon fills the silence in the air as she pulls me with her as she walks, pointing out several people mulling about Rebirth, telling me their names and what they’re like and how she wants me to meet them once I’m able to get around better. “You’re going to love it here.” She keeps repeating after every few lines. 

We finally stop walking as we arrive at a small square hut that’s outlined with flowers decorating the bamboo walls. I’m relieved for the break. It’s been the most walking I’ve consistently done so far and it’s hard for me to catch my breath. Marlena lets go of my waist, takes my hand and pulls me inside. “This is my place.” My heart stops. So this must be Gavin’s home too.

The first thing I notice is the large grassy area in the back with several blankets on top and two pillows near the wall. That must be where they sleep. In that thought, the twinge of jealousy that occurs when Marlena is around sacks me hard in the stomach. The onset took a little longer today but there’s no denying it. I’m jealous of Marlena. I don’t know why it’s so strong. I guess I just don’t like the thought of Gavin’s attention being with someone else more than me. Or maybe there’s more to it. Every time I look at the bed, the pang is much worse even. They
lay
there together. Every single night.

“Here,” She pulls a stump in the corner next to a mirror hanging on one wall. “Sit.”

I obey, gently lowering myself to the stump. She picks up a brush from the tiny table in front of the mirror and pulls it carefully through my hair. I want to lean my head back and push into the bristles. The sensation is marvelous. I’ve brushed my own hair for years and never knew what it feels like. It’s so relaxing.

“How are you doing so far? With getting past the withdrawal, that is.” Marlena asks. I knew a conversation would ensue but the brushing makes me want to close my eyes and forget reality for a while.

“It’s tough.” I admit. “There are times I feel like I can’t breathe because I don’t have access to Remedy.”

“Yeah”, she says sympathetically. “It’s as much mental as it is physical after all these years of them making you believe you need it. You’ll get there, I promise. You simply need to put your focus on all of these new feelings that you get to experience. I know it’s easier said than done. It took me a while too.”

Wait… Marlena used to be on Remedy as well? “You didn’t grow up here in Rebirth?”

Marlena stops brushing my hair and walks in front of me, leaning back on the table. “You and Gavin haven’t had much of a chance to talk yet, huh?”

I don’t respond. I’m still trying to work through what she said. She hasn’t always been a part of his community.

“Gavin… he’s really special.” Marlena’s brown eyes sparkle. “He saved me too. He pretty much saved all of us.”

I’m stunned at this revelation. Gavin saved everyone in Rebirth. So that’s what they mean by it being a new community. Then where is he from? And why is he saving everyone?

I shake my head, trying to get through all of these questions swirling around. Marlena puts one hand on my shoulder. “I know it’s a lot to take in. If you want me to, I can share a little bit with you.”

“Yes, please.” My voice is on the edge of begging. Any answers at this point are better than all the questions I have that don’t seem to be getting resolved at all.

Marlena looks at me for a little bit, as though analyzing my face. Then gives a slight head nod with resolve and walks behind me again, taking a towel to my damp hair and pulling a brush through it again as she talks. “Gavin was born in Impetus.”

My mouth drops open.  I’m utterly stunned.

I can hear her take a deep breath as though she’s debating on how much information she should reveal. “You remember hearing the legend about the boy who climbed the Lightstones?”

That couldn’t be… “Gavin?” I ask, even though the answer is obvious.

“The one and only.” She chuckles softly. “Early on, probably as soon as he could talk, he was questioning absolutely everything. This was before they really had the Curiosity Ban created. I think they thought that by blocking emotions and feelings with Remedy, people wouldn’t be so inclined to ask so many questions if situations didn’t affect them on such a deep level. Our Gavin challenged that concept pretty quickly.”

I think about Marlena’s knowledge about Impetus. “Marlena, you’re from there too?”

“Yeah.” I can detect the sadness in her voice. She pauses then continues with her story. “They tried multiple times to ‘fix’ Gavin. They ran tons of tests, upped his Remedy doses, threatened him, punished him… Finally some horrible person came up with the idea of those punishment chambers. They were reluctant to use them at first… but as you know, they got over that pretty quickly.” Marlena’s voice quickly transitions from sadness to anger within seconds. She pauses with the brush in my hair. I look up at the mirror and can see her behind me, her eyes squeezed tightly together as though stuck back in a memory that she can’t climb out of. They punished her too. Or maybe she hates the idea of Gavin being punished. 

“They had him in one of those for a few days. Every time they would check on him, he acted fine which frustrated them more. He wasn’t actually fine, though. You know that. Everyone breaks a little in those things. How can you not. The way you feel so desperate for help as people walk right by you, not realizing that you’re there, but when you can see them so clearly,” her voice beings to crack. “It hurts so badly. You feel like you’re going crazy. They designed them well considering their evil purpose.” She snorts bitterly.

“Anyway,” Marlena subconsciously returns to the motion of pulling the brush through my hair. “After those few days, someone saved Gavin from that chamber. He has never told me who; he said that’s the deal he made with the mystery rescuer. The two of them then started Rebirth together and Gavin has been saving people ever since. As he says, ‘People are emotions. They were created to feel and by denying them that privilege, we deny them from the best parts of this life.’ He’s right. Life now, even with some of the more undesirable feelings, is so much better than it has ever been before. I feel like there’s a purpose to this all now.”

“Life isn’t strictly logical.” I mutter. That’s another statement Gavin has said many times.

Marlena laughs. “You know him well.” She takes her hands, smoothing down my hair and says, “Okay, take a look. Let me know if you want me to do something different!”

I look in the mirror at my now completely dried hair. There really must be something in the water here because even with nothing done to it, it looks prettier than it ever has before. There are a few natural waves through my blonde strands and it’s sitting perfectly on my shoulders, cascading down. It’s rare to have it out of a ponytail like this. “It’s beautiful, Marlena, thank you.”

She squeals and claps her hands together, completely transitioning out of her previous state of mind. “I know I keep saying it but I’m just so glad you’re here!”

As much as I want to hate Marlena for having Gavin- for her making me now share Gavin- Marlena reminds me quite a bit of Jacqueline.

Jacqueline. I feel a sharp pain in my heart and realize then that I miss her. I absolutely miss her. The memories with her begin to flood my mind and suddenly all of these newfound emotions are being tied in with the memories and I feel all sorts of things- happiness, joy, appreciation, respect,
love
. I’m sure that this is love that I feel for her. It’s similar to the reaction that so far I’ve only resonated to have with Gavin: this thick string that seems to go from each thought about them to deep down inside of me, carrying a weight that cannot be swayed and feels like I absolutely need with every ounce of who I am. They are my friends, my family.

What is Jacqueline doing right now? Has she thought about what happened to me? There’s no telling what sort of lies the Community is spreading about me- and surely the lies are abundant. Jacqueline is smart enough to figure it out, right? She has to be piecing it together.

Jacqueline had unyielding faith in Impetus and their ways, though. If they told her something, she probably believes it. She’s going to spend her whole life listening to their lies.

Then a thought so powerful strikes me that my body shudders in response.
I need to save her. I need to save everyone in Impetus.