The Remedy Files: Illusion (12 page)

CHAPTER 17
 

Instead of revealing the truth, I sit. I can’t will my body to move. If Gavin was here, he would help me. Right now, I don’t have anyone. I wish I had told Jacqueline and enlisted her help. I can’t do something this big on my own.

Mr. Pancioletta continues on with his announcements. “Our first Level 17 graduate today is Adeline!” I hear shuffling behind me as Adeline must be making her way out of the back row. I watch as she comes around in my vision, wearing a golden yellow dress with orange tones that looks like it could be a beautiful sunset in the distance. She gracefully strolls straight to the red marked spot with her head held high, keeping her eyes focused on the crowd in front of her.

“Adeline’s future will be as…” Mr. Pancioletta pauses for a dramatic flair before saying, “a Paired! Her Paired match will be Bryan. Bryan, come on up!” I watch as Bryan walks up to the blue marked spot with a smile on his face. Mr. Pancioletta stands in between them, connecting their hands and says, “Adeline, your future role will be that of a Food Cooperative Order Assistant. Bryan, yours will be of a Cooperative Furniture Maker. Your last names moving forward will be Balltine. Please make sure you get your job and housing assignment from the Ceremony assistant as you exit to your left and join the audience. Ladies and gentlemen, I introduce Mr. and Mrs. Bryan and Adeline Balltine!” The crowd applauds once again as Bryan and Adeline exit the stage. Within a few minutes, I see them appear by the audience and take the first two of the twenty seats available, holding thick packets in their hands.

“Our next graduate today is Jacqueline!” I sit up straighter and watch the blue figure only three seats down from me stand up. Jacqueline gracefully glides to the red spot on stage. Even from the back, she looks amazing- almost statuesque.

Mr. Pancioletta delivers Jacqueline’s future in the same way he did Adeline’s. “Jacqueline’s future will be as… a Paired! Her Paired match will be Ethan. Ethan, come on up!”

Good! At least they made one right decision with pairing those two. I would give anything to read Caroline’s thoughts right now! I still can’t believe that she thought she would have been Ethan’s pair. And it’s good that it wasn’t me. I’m not sure if Jacqueline would have ever talked to me again if the Board made that mistake.

As Ethan comes to the front of the stage, Mr. Pancioletta connects their hands together. He continues, “Jacqueline, your future role will be as Park & Recreation Assistant.”

Oh, that’s perfect for her! She won’t be the next Doctor afterall. She will be outside coordinating games for Impetus like she prefers.

“Ethan, your future will be as a Lightstones Guard. Your last names moving forward will be Manetell. Ladies and gentlemen, I introduce for the first time, Mr. and Mrs. Ethan and Jacqueline Manetell!”

Jacqueline and Ethan exit the stage together and soon appear next to Adeline and Bryan in the audience with their own packets in their hands. As soon as she sits down, she looks directly at me and beams. I give her a little smile in return, trying to not draw too much attention to myself.

Jacqueline’s future became exactly how she wanted it to be. She got everything she wanted. Her faith in the system never wavered and it paid off.

But she hasn’t heard everything I have over the past few days. Although with Jacqueline, I’m not sure if that would change anything for her. She believes in the little control she does have and knows it can be used to make life as she wants it. I find myself wishing I let her rub off on me a bit more throughout the years. I wish I took notice of that earlier and tried to be the same way.

Yet here I am. Confused about what sort of future I want for myself even on the day that it’s going to be decided. I’m more perplexed about everything I’ve heard, everything I’ve seen in just the last few days. Something isn’t right. This place, it’s not what they claim it to be. They aren’t always telling us the truth.

The females in my Level are being called one by one to the stage. Caroline is the fifth one. She’s wearing a long red dress that almost looks a bit too formal for this event. I notice her walking strangely and realize they must have put a rod behind her leg until it fully heals properly. She should have still been in her hospital stay but it doesn’t surprise me that she fought her way out.

I think back to the conversation I overheard the Doctor having on the phone late that night when I had snuck back in for my Remedy pills. They made the decision to change Caroline’s future that night. She has no clue that what they are able to reveal to her is new… and I can’t stop wondering who else that change is going to affect now.

Then a thought hits me. One that should have clicked last night. No, the Doctor wasn’t talking about Caroline that night or any of us in the graduating Level, for that matter. The night I overheard his conversation on the phone, he was talking about the Breesmain family. He was talking about Angela and Liam! They were already making the plans for what was officially approved: the terminations.

My thoughts take over again as the rest of the Ceremony unfolds. In a distracted haze, I watch with unfocused eyes as Caroline gets paired with Damian and other classmates have their Future revealed as well. I’m back to thinking about Gavin and how I need to get to him as soon as possible. I unconsciously pat my side under my armpit where the copied confidential papers are still hiding.

“Um… Evangeline… Evangeline.”

I snap back into reality the audience is stifling their laughs and Mr. Pancioletta is turned around, waving me up to the spot. Without thinking about how my head should remain focused to the front, I whip it around and notice that I’m the last girl to be called. All the other girls are gone. I try to think back to what I’ve seen when my mind was occupied. Every single person was paired. Which guy is left? Is it just me and one other guy?

“Evangeline!” Mr. Pancioletta says louder now.

I’m the last person they are calling today. Last night’s change- it had to be...
It had to be me!
I can’t be paired. Not if I know this isn’t what they had in mind for me. They are setting me up for a future to make up for a mistake they made! It’s not supposed to be my future!

The fog and the blurs of circling lights move into my mind. I awkwardly walk to the middle of the stage, focusing on keeping my coordination in the special ceremonial heels and my eyes transfixed on the red mark. My knees are wobbly but I cannot tell if it’s from the shoes or from the way I have spent all night thinking about the millions of endings this ceremony could have today.

Who is left?
Think, Evangeline,
I tell myself. Who is left?

“Apparently it’s been a long day for everyone.” Mr.Pancioletta tries in a weak effort to crack another joke. A few more laughs from the audience encourage his attempt.

“Evangeline’s future will be as…” Mr. Pancioletta begins announcing.

I squeeze my eyes tightly together. I want to run. This can’t happen- they can’t do this to us. There has to be more.

All of the background noise seems to fade as Mr. Pancioletta’s words sound like bombs bursting in my ears.

“…a Paired!”

No! That wasn’t supposed to be it! You are screwing with my future! I want to shout so badly. I’m listening to lies and I know this. I scan the audience and watch them with big smiles on their faces. No one else knows the truth except me! No, I take it back, the Community Board knows too. They were all part of the change. Everyone else is being duped- and they think I’m included.

“Your Paired Match will be Brennan. Brennan, come on up!” I again rebelliously turn my head and watch as Brennan ever so slowly walks to stand on his blue marked spot.

“This, ladies and gentlemen, is a pinnacle moment in Impetus! For the first time ever, we have had a Level with an even amount of girls and boys that have actually made ten perfect pairs! You all are witnessing a moment right now that will go down in the Community’s history!” Mr. Pancioletta steps between Brennan and I, taking our hands and holding them high in the air as the crowd stands to applaud.

No… no… no… no…. no…
is all I can think.

Baby Breesmain enters my mind. If the pairings are so people can begin a family but yet Impetus decides that the baby should be terminated, what are you left with and what then is the purpose of the pairings? What is the reason of this life at all if they are the only ones calling all the shots?

Mr. Pancioletta begins to join my hand with Brennan’s. I jerk my hand down fiercly. Mr. Pancioletta turns to me, his eyes wide.

“No.” I whisper.

“Excuse me?” Mr. Pancioletta’s voice echoes through the microphone.

“No.” I say stronger this time.

A roar of shushes passes through the crowd as the noises fade.

The smile on Mr. Pancioletta’s face disappears but then he quickly replaces it and says in the microphone. “Evangeline, your future role will be as a–“

“NO!” I shout it this time. He needs to hear this; everyone does. I don’t want this. I’m not going to take a future that wasn’t meant to be mine. One that’s a cover up, nonetheless, a lie for the rest of my life.  This is
my
life they are treating so carelessly! Just like the lives of Angela and Baby Breesmain. They act like they care about us. But they don’t. They so obviously don’t!

There are multiple beeps that arise from the crowd and from the corner of my eye, I can see the Remedy Regulators fast at work to get the beeping under control.

I watch Mr. Pancioletta’s knuckles turn white as his grip on the microphone tightens. He reaches into his pocket and takes out a Remedy pill and pops it into his mouth. I believe I see Brennan finally let out his breath as though he was holding it. There’s a hint of a smile on his face.

As I scan the audience, I can see their eyes darting from my face to that of Mr. Pancioletta. Jacqueline is looking at me and I can’t tell what she’s thinking at all. There’s no sign, just a blank look that blinks every 20 seconds.

Doctor Bordine stands up from his seat with the Board members and strides quickly to the front, taking the microphone from Mr. Pancioletta and says, “I deeply apologize to the Community. Evangeline had a bit of an accident yesterday causing her to have a profound concussion. I wanted her to be a part of today since it is so pivotal but apparently it was a bit too soon. We will need to get her back to the Clinic,” he snaps his fingers to a couple of Guards standing in the shadows to the right of the stage. I didn’t notice them before. They blend in with the stage’s background. “We will keep you all posted on her status.”

Before I can stop it, I’m being scooped up by one of the men. “NO!” I shout once again. “This is all a--” I feel a sharp pain in the side of my neck. I snap my head to where the pain originated and see the other strange man quickly slide a syringe back in his pocket.

My words suddenly become mumbled. I can’t speak.

My thoughts however are once again on overdrive. What’s going to happen now? Will they try to pair me with Brennan again? If not, what’s going to happen with Brennan? What will they do with me? Are they going to punish me for what I did? I’ve never read any law about refusing the Community’s future plans for a person. It should be as much my say as it is theirs, right?

A different sort of fog is starting to cover me. I can see my hair being whipped in my face. We must be traveling fast. It suddenly looks like it’s getting darker and I realize I can’t keep my eyes open.  

Despite all my thoughts, I know that I made the right decision. I wonder what Gavin will think of it all or if he already knew what I would do. Regardless, I fall into the most peaceful sleep I have had in a while, knowing that the ceremony I have analyzed for so long is finally over. I can finally move on. First thing I will do when I awake is go find Gavin.
 

PART II

CHAPTER 18

My eyes flutter open. Orange, yellow and red circles swirl all around. A cast of light is filtering through the dark sky. Everything is blurry. I can’t make out any of the shapes. There is a loud ringing sound in my ears. It amplifies in noise, fades, and repeats the cycle over and over again. I cover them in desperation to try to block out the clamor but am only successful in slightly muffling it.

From the corner of my eye, I can see the blinking of my wrist monitor. I pull one hand off my ear to look at it. That’s where the noise is coming from. The light is yellow. I need Remedy immediately.

My knees are to my chest and I can feel a cold, flat surface beneath me. I stretch out my legs and my feet bang on a hard wall as a momentous sharp pain shoots throughout my body. “Owww!” I try to yell out but my throat is purely raw as though sandpaper was relentlessly scrubbed against it. I let out a whimper instead and pull my knees back in.

My head is… throbbing. That has to be the right term. This is just how Gavin described it. I feel like there is a blacksmith in my head pounding away at a sheet of metal.

Wait—feel. I
feel
…

I jump up to my feet. “Owwww!” Bending at the waist, I try to lean over in time as vomit falls from my mouth to the ground. Quick movements are not a wise decision right now. Every single part of me aches. I straighten up again, wiping my mouth with my arm, despite my body screaming at me to curl back up on the ground. I take a step to the right- bang! My toe hits a flat vertical surface and immediately heat surges through my body and I think the vomit is rising again. What may have been a minor bump feels as though I kicked the side of a steel train as the pain shoots up through my knee, making each nerve vibrate in reaction.

I reach out my hands and feel another cold surface- similar to what I was just laying on. Using my hands only as a guide, I feel my way in a circle, then once again just to make sure I did not miss anything. All around me are flat surfaces. It’s like I’m in a box.

I blink several times and rub my eyes with my hands, desperately trying to see anything at all. As the shapes in the distance begin to come into focus, I recognize that I’m in the middle of Road D. Up ahead slightly to my left is the Levels 5-9 Home and to my right is the Levels 14-17 Home. I turn around and see the maintenance building to one side and one of the steel sheds to the other side. The only light is coming from the Lightstones and no one is around. It must be Sleeping Hours right now.

This doesn’t make any sense. I can’t see any walls in front of me but I can feel them. I have to be dreaming. I’ve never had a dream before where I’m in Impetus. I’m always somewhere else, running from something. This time nothing is chasing me- at least not yet- and I’m stuck.

Trying to not touch the pile of vomit on the floor, I feel my way to what seems like a corner. I slide my body down to the floor, and tuck my head under my chest, pulling up the fabric of my dress to cover my nose from the smell. I tuck my wrist monitor in my dress to try to drown out the beeping. I just need to fall asleep again. I will wake up and this will all be gone.

***

When I awake, my first thought is about how I didn’t dream. For the past twelve years, I have always dreamt when I sleep. Usually within seconds of reaching consciousness, I’m able to immediately analyze the decisions I make and compare them to what’s occurred in all the other dreams. I force my mind to think back to what it could have been. Maybe I just can’t remember the dream. Then I think about the box, the vomit, being trapped down Road D in Impetus. I did dream after all.

Except then my skin tingles as though awakening with my mind and I can feel the cold surface of the wall graze my upper back and push through the fabric on my dress to the rest of my body. As the smell of vomit flurries to my nose, I know right away, that wasn’t a dream I had. It was reality. It
is
reality. The increasingly fast beeping of my wrist monitor is another reminder. Nevertheless, I don’t want to open my eyes to confirm it. I squeeze them shut even harder, stubbornly refusing to acknowledge any of this and pleading with myself to fall asleep again instead.

As the rest of me rebels against my desire, the pounding of my head once again arises and the unbearable pain seems to glide through the rest of me, inch by inch, setting every nerve and muscle on fire. Soon, I can’t take it anymore and push my body back up the wall until I’m in standing position once again.

Opening my eyes, I blink feverishly to get my vision to focus, and slowly the images in front of me are revealed. There are people walking on all sides of me, hurrying to get to the Homes or their jobs. I recognize a couple of the gardeners and a few others that work in the cooperatives.

I pound on the surface of the wall. ”Help! Somebody help!” I croak out. No one even looks in my direction, though. They continue to scurry by, either completely oblivious to me or purposely ignoring my call for help. 

Turning around in circles, my hands scramble all along the walls as though there was some hope for an opening. The view is crystal clear but I can only take a few steps one way or another before running into an invisible wall. It
is
a box… a glass box. I can see everyone else but no one seems to see me.

Looking up, the blue sky is wide open above me and looks completely inviting as though I could somehow reach it if I just tried. I bend my knees and jump up, my finger tips grazing what can only be an undetectable ceiling. Landing hard on my already aching joints, I fall to the ground, my left arm landing in the pile of vomit that has dried slightly, caking my wrist monitor and hand.

I reluctantly get back up to my feet and wipe my arm against my dress to try to clean it off. My body is telling me to give up; my mind is telling me there has to be a way out of this damn thing.

Standing back up, I strike the walls with my fists on every side of the box in efforts to stay optimistic that one of the people walking past can hear me. But no one even turns their head. My hands soon reach the same equality of pain as the throbbing in my head and my knees. I sink back down to the floor and feel as though the world is brusquely spinning. Somehow I was put into this so there has to be a way out of it too.

I focus on taking deep breaths and let them out one by one. It’s hard to steady my breathing when I hear the beeping of my wrist monitor growing in intensity. Before looking at it again, I instinctively know the light has changed from yellow to orange. I have never seen the orange color before. The part of my mind that seeks knowledge is slightly in awe, and prideful of seeing something that so few other people have ever seen before. I want to stay on this side of my mind because it’s making the best out of this situation. However, logic and fear- this is definitely fear- is a blaring voice that seems to be painfully suffering yet loud enough where I can’t ignore it. I need Remedy, it says. I’m going to die if I don’t get it.

Frantically shaking and tearing at my clothes and hair, I imagine that a pill will fall out. Unfortunately nothing actually does. There’s never been a need to carry Remedy pills as cube dispensers were always close by. I take my finger, pulling it through the dried up vomit heap for remnants of a pill taken early. Nothing. I am desperate. I would do anything.

I continue to pound on the walls from my position on the ground and scream until my voice completely disappears into a raspy cough. “Somebody help me. Please help me. I am going to die. People are walking all around me and they are going to let me die. Please. Please help me.”

I see Mr. Frank come out from the maintenance building with a brown paper sack in his right hand and a box in the other. For a moment, it’s as though he’s looking right into my eyes. He can see me, I’m sure of it! 

“Mr. Frank! Mr. Frank!” I try to cry out but my voice is too hoarse and my throat burns like I swallowed fire. 

He stands there, and for a split second it looks as though there are tears filling his eyes. Mr. Frank always has a big smile on his face but in this moment, he looks sad. If emotions existed for him, that’s what would be reflected- utter sorrow. I’m glad he can’t feel. I detect sadness as one of the many emotions that are washing over me and I would hate for someone so kind to feel this too.

Someone calls to him from a distance and he lifts his hand up and jaunts over to them. As Mr. Frank walks by me, I am pleading for him to look into my eyes. “Please look over. I need you to see me. To rescue me.” But he doesn’t. He looks straight ahead at the person who called his name. Then he disappears from my sight.

I lean my forehead against the wall and melt even deeper into the floor. My face feels… I don’t know. I put my fingers to my cheeks and pull them away. There is water on them. My face is wet. These are tears. I must be crying. It was probably my own tears that made me imagine seeing them in Mr. Frank’s eyes. 

I feel my body begin to shake and I have trouble catching my breath. I am going to die. As I lay on the ground, I can see the feet of people in the community walk right on by. All I want is for someone to see me.. for someone to help me.

I need Remedy. The beeping is getting louder. I am going to die.

***

My eyes flicker open to the sun casting down through the box on my face. I am not sure how long I have been asleep. The beeping noise is still consistent with no disruption, a fast reminder this isn’t a dream. I slowly sit up as my stomach churns. I am so exhausted. Every part of me throbs and aches. There’s no part of me that’s separate from another. I can’t tell what’s what. I just feel like one solid excruciating pulse.    

Dreadfully, I lift my eyes and survey the scene around me with a slight tilt of my head. People are still passing by with no glance in my direction. I lean my head against the wall behind me. I need Remedy. I need this to all be taken away. If this is how people in The Before felt, I am so glad that they took away the feelings. I am so relieved that they found Remedy. I wish I could tell Gavin this. 

Gavin. Oh, how I miss him. Suddenly, one ache stands out from the rest and it seems deep within me in a spot that I’ve never recognized before. I need him. He would save me. I don’t know if he’ll notice if I’m gone. Maybe he thinks I’m simply Paired now and no longer able to see him. He would rescue me if he knew I was gone. But if no one else can see me, I don’t know how he’d ever be able to find me. It’s impossible.

The pain is escalating. I try to turn my head away from my body as more vomit escapes my lips. My body begins violently shaking as I heave repeatedly. I touch my hair. It’s wet. Moving my hand down my throat to my arms, I realize my whole body feels wet. The beautiful green dress is now completely damaged, saturated with dark spots that cover it and threads that poke out.

I lay my head back on the ground. I can’t tell if I am laying in the vomit and I don’t care. I’m not able to care. I feel so weak and hopeless. I don’t know who put me here or if they plan to get me out.  

***

Hours pass but I am not sure how many. I gaze above with lifeless open eyes as the sun disappears and the sky slowly becomes darker. I have tuned out the beeping on my monitor but the red glow is hard to ignore. We were warned about the red glow. I know death is not far away. I mull over who would kill me and why they would put me in the middle of the community to do so. It’s a pointless inner monologue, though. I am going to die without having any answers. I wish I could see Gavin one last time.

***

I wake up coughing. The sky is now completely dark. I don’t know how long I have been in this box. I have trouble opening my eyes all the way and I have no strength to sit up. I hear a faint sound. It’s the first noise I’ve heard at all since being here. I can’t decipher what it is. My eyes droop shut once more. 

***

I am running in a new forest. I’ve never seen this one before and I’m not sure how to navigate it. The trees are much thinner and there are many more of them. Every few steps it looks like I am going to run into one but then it will disappear. I run and run for what seems like hours.   

At last I am in a clearing with the sun shining down on my face. This is the same field that knows me well- just the other end of it. I’ve never been on this side. Looking down, I see the brown smooth path below my feet. This is the one that Gavin was last standing on, trying to get me to come follow him. Although Gavin doesn’t look to be around this time. A little further up to the right is the back end of the massive tree that I always see. I am in awe of it from this perspective. It looks a little darker, some of the leaves a bit browner as though the sun doesn’t get to this side as much as the other. It is still somehow absolutely beautiful. I don’t see the man in the tree either.

An earsplitting noise makes me jump. Up ahead, the train is plowing through the other forest. It is knocking down the trees in bulks, proving nothing at all will stand in its way. I run again with the train’s screaming whistles an intense warning of the danger that’s coming. I set out to run back in the forest I came from.

My heart begins beating faster as I can already feel the heat of the train. I glance one more time behind me and see that it has gained ground quicker than ever before. I take a sharp turn to my left, as the thin trees stand tall like an army that’s there to protect me.