The Remedy Files: Illusion (17 page)

CHAPTER 23
 

Marlena and I spend the rest of the afternoon together focusing not on the past, but rather the present. I could sense talking about the past drained her and admittedly, Gavin was definitely right with what he said about me- there’s only so much I can handle at once. I still had a lot of questions to ask but I simply can’t process anything more right now. I don’t share my thought out loud about wanting to save Impetus. I need to think about it more.

As much as I hate to admit it, I have a great time with Marlena and laugh so much and often that my ribs are left aching. It is such a great feeling and I don’t want it to stop. Laughing has always been a simple response before, a reaction to what people say; now it’s tied in with belly aching joy and I’m officially addicted to it.

Later in the afternoon, Gavin joins us.

“Looks like I wasn’t missed today huh?”

Marlena and I look up from the scraps of fabric we are assembling in efforts to make doors for different huts in Rebirth. We were in the middle of laughing at our awful choices of color combinations when Gavin walked up. I like that I haven’t thought about him since my conversation with Marlena earlier in the morning. I’ve spent most of my life with Gavin on my mind so the times that I’m actually distracted by other thoughts, I’ve discovered can be freeing.

“Oh you’re always missed.” Marlena says with a flirty smile on her face. And just like that, the reminder of her and Gavin together slices through my enjoyment and fights to replace all my good memories with her from the day. 

“That’s more like it.” He responds, winking at her. “Do you care if I steal Evie for a bit?”

Marlena gives a wave of her hand and says, “She’s all yours.” For a moment I think I detect a slight undertone of bitterness in that statement; but her smile otherwise shows no revelation of that.

“You up for a walk?” He asks, offering his hand to help me stand. 

I feel a bit exhausted from all the activity today but I respond with “Sure.” I take his hand and he pulls me up on my feet, immediately putting his arm around my waist to support me. I wave to Marlena and say, “I’ll see you later, I’m sure.”

She smiles back at me. “Yes, definitely.”

As we walk away from Marlena, I turn my head back to look at her. She’s watching us with a far-away faintly sad look in her eyes. When she sees me looking at her, she puts a big smile back on her face.

I mouth to her. “Thank you… for everything.” She gives me a thumbs up sign in return and waves once again. That’s exactly the same response Jacqueline would have. They are so much alike.

“So today was a good day?” Gavin asks.

“Yes, much better. Plus you may notice I actually smell like a normal human again.”

He snorts. “I wasn’t going to say anything but, yeah, it’s definitely easier to be around you now. Why do you think I ran off all day?”

“Ha- never knew you were such a comedian!” I say mockingly. “But seriously- where have you been today? I hope you weren’t waiting around in our spot all day for me.”

“I can tell Marlena is a bad influence on your sarcasm, huh?” 

It’s obvious to me he’s avoiding my question so instead I take a new approach. “I like her.” I say quietly.

“Yeah, I knew you guys would get along. I didn’t expect such an instant connection but I’m glad to see it. It’ll help you get settled in a little easier.”

Ever since the thought struck me that Gavin might have a pairing back home, I had assumed it was a Community assigned one. Realizing that he created his own community and yet still chose Marlena as being his paired match… well, the jealously and pain of it went a lot deeper.

“How long ago did you choose her?” I could barely get the words out.

“What do you mean?” He asks innocently and I instantly feel exasperated that he’s avoiding yet another question.

“You know what I mean. How long has she been your pairing for?” My voice makes it clear that my patience is wearing thin with him.

Gavin stops walking, releases his arm around my waist and turns, reaching out for my arms. “Evie, I don’t understand. Marlena isn’t my pairing.”

“But we talked before- about you having a pairing back in your community. And the way you and Marlena interact… and I’ve seen her place and saw the big grassy bed area… and I just thought, that’s where you guys sleep… because she doesn’t have a cot, and that could only hold one person comfortably anyway…” I’m rambling, struggling to communicate my thoughts because my emotions are unquestionably in full charge.

Gavin stays quiet for a moment, his eyes revealing his mind processing everything I’ve said, thinking through it and putting the pieces together.

“Ahh.. Evie...“ He finally says. “Let’s sit for a moment.” He looks around but there aren’t any logs. He walks me to an area with soft grass and no dirt patches. Gavin is always so considerate. He sits right down in front of me, our knees almost touching. “That wasn’t a good day for us, was it? You ran off pretty quickly.”

“My Remedy monitor…” I start to say but then know it’s not worth the excuses. “I just didn’t want to hear anything else you had to say about it. About her, I guess.”

“Well, if you stuck around, you would have heard me say that I don’t have a pairing. As you now know about Rebirth, we’re a little more free here. Built on individual choices and freedoms. There’s no such thing as forced pairings. So Marlena definitely isn’t my ‘pairing’- we’re not anything other than friends. Simple friends.”

I let the words sink in. I want to breathe the largest sigh of relief in the world, maybe even stand up and shout out my happiness from this one simple comment.  They aren’t together. He doesn’t have a pairing. I don’t have to share him with anyone else.

“And that bed of hers? She gave up her cot for you. You’re sleeping on her cot right now until we can get another one. That’s why she has a makeshift bed in her hut. That’s all it is.”

My relief turns to guilt in an instant. I feel terrible for having all of these horrible thoughts about Marlena. She truly is just a good person who has done nothing but try to take  good care of me since Gavin brought me into Rebirth.

My hands cover my face. Shaking my head, I say, “Oh Gavin… I’ve had some bad thoughts towards Marlena. I really need to apologize to her.”

“I doubt she even noticed, Evie. You guys looked like you were having a great time earlier. And what bad thoughts? You just told me that you liked her.”

How do I even start? “I’ve just felt really… jealous.”

Gavin raises an eyebrow and the corner of his lips curl into a small smile. “Oh yeah?”

“She’s pretty perfect and it made sense that if you had a pairing, it would be someone exactly like her.” 

“I gotta say, Evie,” He taps the bottom of my chin lightly with his finger so I look back up at him. “I’m surprised that you would even care.”

Heat rises up in my cheeks. I’m sure they are on fire. But instead of hiding, I want to curl up into his chest and stop talking; just listen to his heartbeat and feel his arms around me. His blue eyes are looking deep into mine, drawing me in as though someone was inhaling a scent.

I’ve been so wrong to immediately assume he had a pairing and then running off before he could even explain. Then I refused to apologize when I got back, I’m sure keeping him waiting for me the days that the other events occurred. Oh goodness- there’s been so much I haven’t told him about!

“Gavin!” I sit up quickly causing him to jump. “I haven’t had a chance to tell you about why I missed seeing you one day!”

He seems thwarted at the change of topic and shrugs, “It probably worked to your advantage because that’s partly how I caught wind that something was wrong with you.”

Okay, I definitely want to explore that too so I make a mental note to ask that soon. “No, I mean not the nights I was in the box but the day that I missed before that. The first day that I’ve ever missed with you.”

“Oh yeah, I just assumed you didn’t want to talk to me. I honestly didn’t think you’d come back the next day even.” His casualness about it was disappointing.

“That night when I came back through the bushes, I heard two men talking that I’ve never heard before and they were…” I trail off. I think back to their conversation that night. They were trying to identity someone outside the walls, questioning whether or not that person would come back, saying they would have to “take care of him” and how they’ve already tried that once before. Then I think about Marlena’s story about Gavin... It was Gavin. They had to be talking about Gavin!

I put my hand on his knee and lean forward, whispering as though Impetus Officials could hear us. “Gavin, would Impetus know about you? Would they be worried about you? Maybe see you as a threat?” I hesitate on telling him that Marlena already told me his story, that I know he’s from there too, hoping that maybe Gavin would tell me himself.

Gavin sits up straight, tension in his shoulders. “Possibly…” he says slowly. “Tell me exactly what you heard, Evie.”

I filled him in word for word on what I remembered and how I ran into what I think was one of the same men the very next night. I described that he was dressed in all gray with gray eyes and how he looked completely guilty of trying to block something from me that was occurring in the thickets behind him.  A shudder ran through me remembering my conversation with him. “He kept looking at me in such an eerie way and didn’t stop watching me even after I walked away.” I say at the end.

“Evie, I need you to really think about this before you answer.” Gavin leans in close with the most intense look I’ve ever seen on his face. “Do you think he knew you were trying to sneak out? Do you think he had any idea whatsoever?”

I instantly start to say no but then retract and think about it as he told me to do. I shudder again at the thought of the man. I didn’t realize just how creepy he was until now thinking back and actually having my emotions connect with it. “I think I played it off well enough.” I finally conclude. “It actually worked out well because I ended up taking Jacqueline’s shift that night so I stayed at the Clinic for hours afterwards.” And then I met Liam which made it all worth it. But I can’t say that part of it out loud.

“Ok… good.” Gavin doesn’t seem convinced despite his response.

I can see in his eyes that he knows something else that he’s not telling me. Frustration is welling up inside of me once again. I have always shared the majority of everything with Gavin but he has kept so many things from me, so many important secrets and truths that are just now slowly being revealed. Even as we stand here and I’ve presented him with the perfect opportunity to tell me something he should have said first- not Marlena- he still doesn’t offer up anything. I start to ball my firsts up, feeling my fingertips pinch my skin.

“Why did you wait to so long to rescue me, Gavin?” It comes out in a half scream, half plea for him to tell me something of complete honesty. Everything that I’m realizing of how my life has been and the revelation of all the stories today is breaking me. I am choking back sobs and gulping for air in an effort to be strong.

At first, complete bewilderment crosses Gavin’s face, followed by a streak of anger and then simple compassion mixed with something else I can’t quite decode. He lifts himself up and moves next to me, pulling me in close. His arms tighten around me and I’m pushing my head so far into his chest as though I can’t get close enough. Gavin runs his hand through my hair and softly murmurs, “shhhh.”

When my crying stops and only sniffing remains, I barely catch Gavin’s words. “Hmm?” I ask.

“Marlena told you.” He repeats, disappointment clear in his voice. “I was going to, Evie. When the time was right.”

“Why did you wait so long to rescue me?” I ask again, growing more impatient for his continual delays in answering any of my questions. “I could have felt earlier. You wanted me to feel and I could have earlier if you… if you…” I’m trembling now and the tears are flowing heavily.

Gavin takes a deep breath. “I know it’s hard for you to understand right now, but I
was
saving you. All along I was saving you.” He pulls himself away from me, stands up and begins pacing back in forth. “From the moment I met you, I could tell you were different. You were like me. I don’t think you ever realized that you were feeling more than everyone else even despite the Remedy. The things you would say… you’d blame it on thoughts and logic, but Evie, you were
feeling
things. You are all heart.”

“What about—“ I try to interrupt but Gavin continues, his steps connecting with the ground harder, kicking up dirt and making a loud thud with each one.

“I knew how badly it would be for you to suddenly feel everything at once. I couldn’t stand the thought of your heart breaking. I thought for sure that if I continued to work with you over the years, I could make you see things; make you see how different you are and how wrong the ways of Impetus are. I thought I could do it in an easier way.” He drops his head.  “But I failed. Your dreams- that’s your intuition, Evie. It’s strong. Maybe a little misguided with Remedy fighting to block your feelings all these years, but you have it. I noticed it in you when you were still so young.”