The Remedy Files: Illusion (21 page)

Checking the food storage and cooking area, Liam is nowhere to be found. I run back to my place, but he’s not in there either. Popping my head back out of the hut, I catch sight of Benjamin. “Hey, Ben.” I call out. “Have you seen Liam this morning?”

Benjamin throws his towel on his other shoulder and says, “Not today. I’m sure him and Nate are out by now.”

“Yeah, okay, thanks.” I lean against the bamboo, aggravated that I’ve lost Liam for the morning. The chill of the stalk is cooling the sweat that’s accumulating on my back. 

“Good morning!” Marlena’s cheerful voice makes me turn my head in her direction. She is walking towards me, her brown hair down on her shoulders and wet, glistening in the morning sun. “Did I hear you ask about Liam?”

I nod. I haven’t been able to tell her about all the conflicting feelings with Gavin and Liam yet. I don’t feel right sharing those until I can get them sorted out myself. Times like this, I wish I could. It would be nice to have someone else that can help me through these situations.

“When I was heading to the pond, I saw Gavin grab Liam and they walked out towards the hunting grounds together. I’m assuming they’re working on filling the meat lockers today.”

No. This can’t be happening. I close my eyes, pinching the skin of my forehead. Facing Marlena, my eyes are wide, my voice dripping in distress. “I need your help. We need to find them. Gavin is… upset and I don’t think Liam is the best company for him.”

Marlena is the best kind of friend. She doesn’t ask questions when she knows she shouldn’t and can always be counted on. As soon as she hears my plea, she drops everything in her hands, gives an engaged nod, and follows me as I run out of Rebirth, heading towards the hunting grounds.

She’s fast. Liam and I had gone on several runs together over the past few months but Marlena starts outpacing me and I’m struggling to keep up. I didn’t know she had that in her but shouldn’t be surprised at the same time. She seems to be able to do all things perfectly.

We take turns yelling out “Gavin” and “Liam” as we run through the woods. We check the hunting grounds, the lake, and some of the key spots for herb picking. There are no traces of either one of them.

After a couple of hours, we are both leaning over, hands on our knees, trying to catch our breath.

“What do you want to do?” Marlena asks. She’s sweet to still leave it up to me. I know if I asked her to keep looking she would. But if we haven’t found them now, the chances are going to keep getting slimmer.

“Let’s go back.” I admit in defeat.

She nods and gives me a little smile. “Hey,” she puts her arm around my shoulder. “It’ll all be okay. Everything will work out the way it should.” In that statement, I have to look at her to make sure she isn’t Jacqueline. That’s exactly something Jacqueline would have said. Funny how my life can be so different here but yet crossover in many ways with my old life back in Impetus. “Race you back?”

“I don’t know…” I start to say and then dash off towards Rebirth, trying to get a head start on her.

I can hear Marlena’s laughter behind me and it doesn’t take her long to catch up with me. She keeps my pace but as Rebirth appears in our sight, she breaks out in a sprint. I try to chase after her but am much too winded. I arrive in Rebirth a minute after her. By that time, I see she has stopped and is in a conversation with someone.

“Liam!” I cry out and it’s enough motivation for me to increase the speed on my final few steps.

He looks extremely happy to see me but the look is mixed with one of confusion on his face. “Hey Evangeline. Sorry about our morning being ruined.”

“No, worries at all.” I’m trying my hardest to steady my breathing. I’m sure I’m sweaty and streaked with dirt from all the running through the forest. The last thing he needs to see on top of it is me about to pass out from trying to keep up with Marlena. “Where have you been?”

“I told him we were looking for him. It’s a good reason for him to feel special.” Marlena interjects, giving me a little wink that I’m sure Liam saw as well.

“Gavin wanted to show me… things.” Now I know why the confused look is on his face.

“More details, please?” Marlena says sweetly. It’s hard to not give her what she’s asking for when she uses that voice.

Liam shrugs, in obvious debate of how much he can share. “He just mentioned that there needs to be a back-up here. In case anything should happen to him…” Liam looks uncomfortable. He’s looking more at Marlena than he is as at me. “So he showed me what he does when he’s away… and what needs to be done around here.”

“He showed you… everything?” Marlena is in awe as though she’s looking at an alien that came and told us there’s a whole new planet.

“Yeah.” Liam gulps. “Or at least I think so.”

“But you can’t tell us anything.” I state matter-of-factly. Already Liam’s body language to me has changed. It’s become more like Gavin.

He finally turns to look directly at me. “No. I’m sorry Evangeline. I promised him. Once you know everything, it makes sense.”

“I won’t know everything, though, right? None of us will except the ones that Gavin deems worthy of knowing. It’s like we’re back in Impetus- forced to believe in a system that we don’t even understand.” I turn my back on them and walk to my hut.

“Evangeline-“ Liam starts to say, but Marlena cuts him off with her soft voice.

“No, let her be.”

Once inside, I pull my curtain completely closed and hope that no one tries to follow me. Gavin played the game well. He could have yelled at Liam or told him to leave me alone but instead he did something much worse. He gave Liam the secondary power of Rebirth and told him secrets that have put a wedge between me and Gavin, so now they will put the same wedge between me and Liam. How strategic of him.

Gavin keeps trying to control me as though he has the right. He may have saved me from Impetus but he’s using a lot of the same techniques in trying to keep me with certain boundaries. I’m not going to live like that again. I’m going to make him give me answers if it’s the last thing I do.
               

CHAPTER 27

After spending all day in my hut, avoiding everyone of Rebirth, I decide another day can’t pass. I have to corner Gavin and get him to talk to me. I need him to stop shutting me out and trying to control me. It’s essential that we decide how we can best save everyone in Impetus soon. It can’t wait any longer.

I’ll put the plan that I’ve been contemplating for months into play tomorrow morning. I’m somewhat sad that another morning will go by that Liam and I won’t have our usual routine. However, I’m not sure if he will even come into my hut now after what Gavin has shared with him. Things might change. Instead of letting that happen, I’m going to take matters into my own hands.

That night, I fight hard against sleep, striving to stay awake. I doze in and out but my body manages to stay alert. When I hear rustling outside, energy pumps through my body as I jump out of my cot. Crouching behind my door curtain, I watch Gavin go to the supply hut as he fills up a backpack, then turns back to hike his standard morning route. This time, though, I follow.

We take several twists and turns out of Rebirth, going deep into the woods. It’s slightly eerie out here with only the dim of the morning light. I am in awe as Gavin easily maneuvers his way through it all without a compass as though he could do it with his eyes close.

After several miles, the sky is much lighter and the landscape looks somewhat familiar. The foliage has changed to strong, tall lean trees that grow closely together and seem to grow for infinity- similar to what I was used to seeing in my time at Impetus. After another mile, our clearing that we used to have our meetings at appear. He’s going back to our old spot.

As soon as Gavin gets there, he stops, puts down his backpack and turns around to face where he came from. “Are you going to hide back there or actually come join me out here?”

He knows. I step out from the tree I was hiding behind, a little embarrassed and on edge, unsure how angry he is that I’ve followed him.

“You knew?” I ask.

“Give me some credit here. I saw you from the time you stepped out of your hut. I figure that if you want to follow me, it’s your own decision. Besides, it’s probably about time we talk a little more and what better place to do it in.” Despite the significance of his last remark, his face remains hardened.

I step out of the woods into the little clearing. It feels good to be back here again. There have been so many memories and special moments for the past twelve years with him someone who has basically acted like a stranger for the past few months when we should have been getting closer.

“Gavin, I miss you.” I don’t know what else to say except the truth. Especially being here, the truth hits hard.

Gavin’s eyes soften bit but his jaw remains set. “Evangeline--” he starts to say, but I interrupt him.

I lay my hands on his crossed arms and softly speak, “No, it’s Evie. You call me Evie.”

Gavin’s eyes lighten and his mouth relaxes with his jaw. He holds my gaze for a moment and I think that maybe, I have the old him back.

Then he uncrosses his arms, forcing me to withdraw my hands, and he ardently turns away from me. He walks a few steps then bends down and moves the grass away from a spot in the ground. Gavin pulls a shovel out of his backpack and begins digging.

All I can do is stand there, with my mouth open as I stare at him. I can’t believe he didn’t acknowledge my comment. Despite what I said to him, he’s still choosing to be distant.

“Gavin, did I do something wrong or what?” I finally lash out. I can’t hold it in anymore.

Gavin stops digging. He doesn’t turn around but responds with, “No.” After a heavy sigh, he ultimately stands up, dropping the shovel to the ground. He saunters over to our old log, and sits down. “No, you haven’t done anything wrong.”

Assuming it’s safe to move closer to him again, I sit down on the log next to him, cautiously keeping my eyes on the ground in front of me, as though eye contact would scare him off. “I don’t know how to fix this.” I admit. I am willing to be as vulnerable as possible to him in hopes to get things back to normal. I’m fighting against giving up.

“I don’t know how to explain it all, Evie.” He’s using my nickname again; that’s a good sign. “It’s weird having you in Rebirth now. I always thought when that day would come, it would be so… different than what it has been.”

I want badly to ask Gavin what he means by that but I don’t want to interrupt him. He finally seems ready to have a discussion. 

“I yearned for the day I could tell you everything. I thought it would be when I was able to bring you to Rebirth but I can’t because I still have to be careful. Things aren’t as they seem. Not yet. I’m trying to get them there. Every day I’m working to get them there. There’s a fine balance of doing what I need to do and still managing to keep you as safe as possible. That’s always been my biggest concern. Ever since I met you that’s what I’ve been fighting to do.

And you’re smart, Evie. I want to make sure I allow you room to figure some things out on your own. I know you need that, and I need you to do that to be well and to help me. Because you do help me- every single day, even when you don’t realize it.” He stops talking and puts his head in his hands. “I’m sure I’m not making any sense to you.”

Before Gavin said that last line, I was on the edge of screaming that exact thing to him. He isn’t making any sense. He’s treating me as though I’m still in Impetus. Instead, I take a deep breath and gently rub his back with my hand. “No, you’re not.” I say tenderly. “But it’s nice to hear you actually say more than a few words to me again. I’ve missed hearing you speak- even incoherently.” I try to make a joke to ease the tension in the air.

Gavin’s back crumbles at that remark. He takes a deep breath as he sits back up, turning to face me. I expect another blow-up from him. I said the wrong thing again. I clench my fists in anticipation.

Instead, he wraps his arms around me and pulls me closer to him. “I’ll try harder. I’ll try to share more with you. Just trust me, please, and know that there’s a reason behind my choices. It’ll become clear someday soon.”

I nod in his neck. In this moment I would say “yes” to anything he asked me. I’m breathing in his scent that is so recognizable to me, while sitting on our old log, and this time, I can feel him too as his hands grip my back. This is ideal. It’s the perfect blend of our old life with our new.

“Hey,” he says and pulls back from me. He takes his other hand and pulls a small yellow flower dwelling in the grass next to the log. He drags it lightly across my arm, leaving a little yellow dust trail from the flower. “Do you feel that?” Gavin smiles at me, as he reminisces the old game we used to play. The tingle of the flower delicately grazing my skin causes goosebumps to rise. For an instant, the strong urge to make them go away overtakes me. Those have only occurred with Liam and it feels like betrayal having them appear without him around. But the history with Gavin goes so much deeper than that, so having us frozen in time, playing this old game, except with now so much more at stake, is exciting. Because I can actually say:

“Yes” I breathe out.

Gavin drops the flower and takes my arm in his, and presses his lips to the goosebumps. More appear and a quiver shoot out through my entire body. His lips continue to travel past my elbow as he pushes my shirt sleeve up and kisses to the edge of my shoulder. Gavin then brings his lips just inches away from my own.

Looking in his eyes, I can see a myriad of emotions cross through them like a lightning storm: fear, desire, anger, adoration. He seems to be having a war within himself debating whether or not to make the next move. 

When Gavin starts to move his lips to my forehead, the area he has apparently deemed as being safe, I grab his face with my hands and move his lips to mine instead. This move stuns him, and even surprises me. Our lips connect and at first, in this moment of shock, neither one of us moves. But then the movement becomes natural and I melt into him.

First it starts slow, but then the intensity increases as flickers of our past and all the little moments we’ve ever had flash in my mind. Suddenly everything is coming together and making sense as though this was the purpose behind it all- this kiss, was the reason for everything.

When the kiss comes to a reluctant end, he leans his forehead against mine and breathes out, “I have wanted to do that for years.”

I’m struggling to catch my breath and failing to form any coherent thought. “Yeah” is all I can muster breathlessly as I continue to play with the hair in the back of his head which is where my hands have finally rested.

After several blissful minutes of basking in silence, honoring the event finally occurred, Gavin kisses me on the forehead and stands back up.

I watch him return to the spot that he had previously started digging at, pick up his shovel, and continue his work. It doesn’t take long for him to pull out a clear plastic bag. As he opens it, he pulls out a letter, unfolds it carefully and reads in silence.

“What is that?” I ask, curious as to how he knew it was there.

Gavin doesn’t respond as his eyes continue to move back and forth down the paper. Once finished, he looks up at me and I can already predict he’s going to tell me that he can’t share what he’s doing. However, he responds with, “It’s a letter from my inside connection to Impetus. They are informing me of some events that have taken place.”

“Who? Who writes you? Do I know them? What’s happening there? Is everyone okay?” Too many questions. I know it as soon as they are out of my mouth but it’s too late to take them back now.

Gavin shakes his head. “Evie, I told you I’d start to tell you more and I will. But I can’t tell you everything- not yet. You have to trust me.”

“It’s like you don’t trust me, Gavin! I’m not going to tell anyone!” I didn’t expect it to come out like whining but all the confusion and anger that has been boiling inside of me is erupting over the edge of the pot. I want to help rescue people in Impetus like he does- there are specific people I need to save! I can help. But without him sharing anything, it makes me feel so worthless and useless like absolutely everything is out of my control.

I sigh and try again. “I have to do something, Gavin. I can’t keep standing by when I know there are people suffering. And they don’t even realize that they are suffering which somehow makes it worse.”

Gavin takes a pen out of his pocket and makes a few scribbled notes on the back of the piece of paper, puts it back in the bag, and then starts covering it with dirt again in the same hole it came out from.                

“We need to save people from Impetus.” I repeat.

Gavin’s jaws clench. He stays bent down on his feet, digging at the dirt. 

“Gavin are you listening to me?”

Silence.

“Gavin--”

Speaking through clenched teeth he warily articulates, “I heard you, Evie.” He smoothes out the dirt pile, throws a few sticks and rocks on it and stands back up. With his hands on his hips, he says, “I just don’t think you know what we are up against.” His tone is as though he’s talking to a little kid which makes me explode in rage.

“What we’re up against? Does it even matter? We are talking about people’s lives here! I know that they are trying to control a population by taking away feeling which leaves everyone very little else to live for. And they are making decisions about terminating lives without those lives getting any say! Those people need a choice. They need to know that they have the option of feeling and they need to know what feeling actually is. They are living lives based on nothing but lies!” I throw my hands in the air as my body is shaking, overwhelmingly desperate for him to see the problem. He has known about this for years yet hasn’t done anything about it. How can he just stand by and let all of this continue to go down? “Saving a few people at a time isn’t going to help anything!” I sputter out and immediately regret my words.

Gavin whips around, his face glowing with fury. “You have no clue what I do here and you have no clue how big this thing actually is, Evangeline. It may not seem like it to you, but I do have a plan. Besides, I saved you, didn’t I?”              

“So since you rescued me, I’m supposed to walk around in complete blinding trust, not caring about tomorrow and not giving a damn about anyone else because you’re the almighty savior and you alone have it under control?” I point my finger at him. “You were the one that taught me to question things my entire life! So here I am- questioning things. I’m questioning you. But now since it’s directed at you, you don’t like it! You only like what you can control, Gavin. Well, you’re not going to control me- not any longer.”

“You’re wrong- I’ve never controlled you! You are as stubborn as all can be. That’s why I’ve had to work so hard to protect you. You don’t even realize everything I’ve had to do and how it’s all been for you!”

“Well, let me make it easy for you. Stop protecting me.” I turn on my heel to head back into the trees.

“Evangeline,” Gavin calls out. “You don’t know how to get back!”

I turn around, and glare at him. “Stop trying to protect me! I don’t need you! I. Don’t. Need. You.” I say again, carefully enunciating each word.

Gavin’s face falls and his hands drop to his side. I’ve never seen him look so small before. A part of me wants to run to his arms and do whatever it takes to redeem everything that each one of us has said. The other side screams at me to walk away, reminding me how sick I am of all that he hides from me and how I’m constantly forced to question my trust in him. The latter is the one that wins out so I take off, sprinting through the trees, weaving myself in and out in efforts to lose him if by any chance he’s trying to follow me.