The Remedy Files: Illusion (9 page)

The quiet resumes and within seconds, thoughts of Gavin and the strange man come rushing back. I sit down, suddenly aware that my breathing has gotten heavier, breaths shorter. Circles of lights swirl in front of me.

Beep. Beep. Beep.

I stand up, slightly unsteady and go swipe my bracelet under one of the Remedy cube dispensers. As my name pops on the screen, so does the word “Late” as I realize I forgot my lunch dose. 

Get it together, Evangeline.
I chastise myself.
You will see Gavin tomorrow, and everything will be okay again. He will have the answers.

Little did I know, I was about to encounter an experience I’ve never had before. It was brief, but every second I knew was made to occur. It was worth missing a meeting with Gavin, which I never thought anything would ever be.

I could never share it with Gavin, though. It was something I wouldn’t understand but I expected him to understand even less.
               
 

CHAPTER 11
 

All during my shift, I keep thinking about Gavin. My mind is in a bit of a fog as I deal with scheduling appointments, taking payments, and recording meeting notes for all the patients. I keep watching the clock after making a final decision to make a quick break to our typical spot just to see if Gavin was still waiting or if he left a note at all. Or at the very least, I can leave a note.
It’s worth it
, I tell myself. If I can get out right at 7:00, that would be give me an hour before the recommended time to be back in the Home and two hours if absolutely needed before the final lockdown occurred and checks were enforced. Sure, it’s going to be a little dark, but I’ve done the trip enough over the years that I’ll find my way. I can’t hold out until tomorrow; it’s too important.

At about 6:55 pm, I’m rushing to finish up the logs from that evening when Doctor Bordine appears from the back room. He hands me a chart, the red hair on the back of his hand standing to attention. “Evangeline, I may need you to stay a few minutes late tonight. Please page Mr. Breesmain and tell him to come to the Clinic.” 

This never happens and of course tonight when I have something I absolutely need to do, the Doctor asks me to stay. There’s nothing I can do except nod. As the Doctor walks away, I open up the chart.
Patient: Angela Breesmain (#878)
Age: 22
Spouse: Liam Breesmain (#893), 22
Synopsis: Year 4 of unsuccessful attempts. Patient is now 8 months
pregnant with first success, 6
th
check up.
 

I pick up the phone and press the community page button, “Mr. Breesmain, please join us at the Clinic. Thank you.”

I close the chart and set it back down on the desk. Grabbing a pen and piece of paper, I scribe a quick note for Gavin that I can leave behind in case he’s no longer at our spot. If he’s not there, does that mean he’s back at his Community? Of course that’s where he’s at right now. Besides, he has to eat sometime. I’m sure he’s sitting down with his pairing now. She’s probably laughing as she’s telling him about something funny that happened today. He’s listening attentively to her, waiting to share everything that happened in his own day. Gavin probably hasn’t even thought once about how I didn’t show up. He just went on with his day. He has
her
, so of course he did.

The Clinic door swings open, interrupting my thoughts. A man with a strong jaw line and dimples in his cheeks appears. His lean frame fills the doorframe as he easily stands a couple of inches above six feet. His brown hair is matted to his forehead and he has raindrops dripping off the edge of his nose. He steps in the office, wiping his feet on the mat and lets the door close behind him.

“Hello, I am Liam Breesmain. I believe I was paged.” His long legged stride quickly brings him to the front desk. His eyes are a dark brown with what I think is a hint of extremely dark green similar to my own and surrounded by thick black eyelashes.

Immediately I feel like I’ve seen him from a distance before but I can’t remember from where. I take a deep breath. Wow, his scent- a combination of soap, fresh rain, and something a little sweet almost like the vanilla I’ve been able to catch a hint of when they use it in the co-op bakery. It’s better than the early morning fresh air.

“Can I please see your ID?”

He extends his left arm, wrist facing upwards. His skin is a bit darker as though he spends a lot of time outside- similar to Gavin’s flesh tone. I take the handheld scanner and scan his wrist monitor as the beep confirms his identity.

There is a hint of dirt on his wrist and without thinking, I take my thumb to my tongue to wet it and bring it back to the spot to rub the dirt off. I watch as little tiny bumps multiply across his arm and I notice the same on my own.

A smile spreads across my face. I’ve never seen those before but know they’re called goosebumps from Gavin telling me about concepts in his Feelings book. It’s one of the bodily reactions that can occur. Before I can hide my smile, I look up at him and find him staring down into my eyes. I return his lingering gaze and for a moment, I forget where we are. My mind is racing as it seems like I know him. I can’t think of where I would have seen him and can’t imagine I would forget. Not with a man that looks like he does.

Beep, beep. Beep, beep. Beep, beep.

Simultaneously, our monitors are alerted. I launch into action mode as I pull him around the wall rather forcefully and hit the button on the Emergency Remedy Reload cube. I quickly scan his wrist and mine in order to get our Remedy doses. I hand him his pill and at the same time we throw our heads back and take ours together. We stand in silence for a moment watching one another. The moment is peaceful and serene like what I have early in the mornings when I can’t sleep and go for a walk. All I can think is that I like it. I could stay like this and I wouldn’t ask for anything else.

“Is everything alright?” Doctor Bordine comes in from his office. He must have retreated to his office and not in the back like I thought. In one step he’s next to us and checks Mr. Breesmain’s monitor and then grabs for mine. “I thought I heard beeping.”

“No, everything is fine, Doctor.” I pull my arm away from him and hide it behind my back. “This is Mr. Breesmain.”

“Mr. Breesmain. Nice to officially meet you.” They both shake hands briefly. “So everything is okay?

“Yes, Doctor.” Liam confirms.

“Alright then, please come with me.”

Liam follows Doctor Bordine out of the room into the back portion of the Clinic. I watch him, silently pleading for him to turn his head and look back at me, but he never does. Where do I know him from? The way he was looking at me… he has to remember me from somewhere too. 

I spend the next thirty minutes cleaning the office and doing whatever I can to stall. I want to catch another look of Liam. Maybe if I saw him again, I would remember why he looks so familiar. I rack my brain trying to come up with an excuse to go into the back, if there was anything I could give the nurses or maybe even just act as a caring visitor for Caroline. Yes, that’s what I’ll do. I can officially check on Caroline.

With this newfound excuse, I give a quick check in the mirror, put on some chapstick, take a deep breath and head to the back. As I get to the door, I run smack into the Doctor as he is coming through.

“Evangeline? You shouldn’t be here still.” 

“You told me to stay late, sir. I was just seeing if there’s anything else you needed me to do.”

“No, no. You can go. Hurry on up, as there’s not much time left.” He glances at the clock on the wall “Almost 8:00. I won’t be held responsible for you being late.”

I thought about telling him I want to check on Caroline quickly first but knew Doctor Bordine well enough that he would view that as an act of rebellion against authority. In his role, he serves as a member of the Board since he gets a lot of personal visits with people of the community. The last thing I needed was an act of disobedience on my record when he was part of the committee making decisions about my personal future.

I nod. “Goodnight, sir.”

I turn on my heel and proceed to the front office. Leaning over the desk, I grab my bag, and hit the light switch which then brings the front desk steel screen down with a thud.

As I enter the dim evening air, I realize my eyes are darting around in search of the strange man I saw earlier. Or maybe they are in search of Liam. What a strange day. Two new encounters behind walls that have always been the same and predictable: one that didn’t seem good; and something else that seemed too good.

I have never seen bumps on my arm before. I want to ask Gavin what that means. I don’t remember what sort of feelings they are tied with. But I can’t ask him. He would want to know details of the situation that caused the reaction and I just know I can’t tell him about Liam. Gavin would chastise me about how foolish my thoughts were to be so intrigued by a man who has a pairing. How disrespectful it is to refer to him as Liam instead of Mr. Breesmain. How wasteful it is for my thoughts to linger and replay the few moments I had with him over and over again. It’s like I want to think about him. I’m not even controlling it. I’m thinking about him without even trying to think about him.

Beep. Beep. Beep.

Seriously, again? This is going to create some bad records for me. I already anticipate the nurse’s call telling me I need to come in and make sure my dosage levels are accurate. If I get called in, they’re going to check my eyes again which is bad news. If I’ve seen the color change, I’m sure they’re going to be able to tell that too.

I evaluate where I’m at. The only refill centers open after 8:00 are the emergency ones at the Clinic and located in each of the Homes. I haven’t even reached the Lightstones yet so there’s no other option- I have to turn back to the Clinic.

I pull the dark blue zip up hoodie out of my bag that I use for my secret trips to see Gavin and wrap it around my left wrist in efforts to hide the beeping noise from the Doctor. It muffles it a bit, hopefully enough to slide in without Doctor Bordine hearing it. I check my watch. I have to make this quick- I’ll be cutting it close to the 9:00 final check for the night. I sprint back. Along the way, the beeping noise picks up in pace.

I open the front door of the Clinic and poke my head in. No sign of the Doctor. Hopefully he has gone home or is in the back room. I rush over to the Emergency Reload and scan my wrist. I can’t believe I was just doing this an hour earlier. Maybe my dosage levels do need adjusting.

I grab the pill, and throw it back in my throat. Right as I swallow, I hear a loud shout and a door open, freezing my movement. Doctor Bordine is still here. I quickly slide under the front counter, crouching low and praying that no visitors walk through the door and spot me. The Doctor never leaves or enters through the front and hopefully tonight won’t be the exception.

“Damnit!” A slam of a fist. The counter above me shakes. He must be on the other side of the screen. “Yes, I’m looking at her file now. They should have alerted us faster!... Well what are we going to do with him? It makes sense with her but do we really have a case for him?... I get that. I knew that from the moment I saw him. There’s no way the General will be on board... I just knew we should have done this years ago. If they aren’t successful in year one, the chances decrease and things become riskier. But no one wants to listen to me… Well it has to occur soon! And you need to make the final call. You rallied for the role…” his voice fades and I listen to his footsteps as he disappears in the back again.

When I hear his office door slam, I hurriedly stand up, and sprint to the front door, closing it softly behind me. I run as fast as I can all the way back to the Level 17 Home. As I sneak to my room and crawl into bed with my clothes still on, I hear the lock on my room door click into place right at 9:00 pm. That was an extremely close call. I’ve been cutting it way too close lately, truly walking on the edge of Impetus rules.

Lying in bed, I’m able to recap what I just heard. Who was the Doctor talking to? He has always spoken abruptly but I have never heard him shout so fiercely before. Who was he talking about? He said the decision needs to be made soon. The Futures Ceremony is soon… was he talking about one of my classmates or even… me? Or what if it was about Jacqueline since we both work there? Did we do something recently to cause a last minute change?

Then a thought strikes me. There’s only one of us who is there at the Clinic right now.

Oh my goodness… Caroline.

CHAPTER 12
 

“Evangeline!” Jacqueline throws herself on my bed and puts the back of her hand on her forehead dramatically. “I looked for you alllllll last night but you were nowhere to be found!”

I squint through my sleep filled eyes. “Good morning.” My voice is groggy.

“Ewww. You sound like a man!” She lies on her side, prompting herself with her elbow. “You know I can’t ask but I want to know!”

I yawn and stretch out my arms before sitting up myself. “Doctor Bordine had me work late last night, that’s all.” Then Liam’s beautiful eyes pop into my mind and I think for a moment I can still smell his scent.

“Why are you smiling so weird?”

I didn’t even know I was. I immediately try to cover it with, “Just wanted to ask how the ball game was but you know I can’t!” I try to equal the pitch of her voice in return but struggle with recently waking up.

Jacqueline leans back with both of her arms behind her head. “We rocked it. I was on Ethan’s team and we totally won 8-3. And not only that but three of the town officials came to watch! THREE!” She squeals. “They have to see how perfect Ethan and I would be together.”

“I’m sure they do.” I say confidently. Then the doctor’s call last night rolls into my mind.

Poor Caroline. She has been staying in the Clinic for a couple of days now. I wouldn’t doubt that they are seeing her true personality. She definitely hasn’t tried to hide it from the stories I overhear the nurses sharing. Since the Doctor is part of the Board, he must have reported back those stories and now they’re making last minute decisions for her.

What could they be? If they change the pairings with her, it’s going to have to affect someone else too. Either the man she was supposed to be paired with will now be Unpaired or someone else’s original pairing will be switched out. That’s just like Caroline- everything she does has an impact on someone else, I swear.

Or maybe they decided not to pair her… maybe she will have a more specific role in Impetus. From listening to her talk throughout the years, I know that’s not what she’s planning or has been thinking her life will be. There has always been more prestige to being a part of a pairing. No one aims to be an Unpaired. They wouldn’t do that to Caroline, would they? She’s too beautiful to not be a part of creating the future for Impetus. As mean as I think she is, I still wouldn’t wish her to get a different future than what she has expected to have all these years.

“Earth to Evangeline!” Jacqueline is snapping her fingers in front of my face. I return back to reality. “You have been going off into that mind of yours so much more lately! I would ask if it’s about the Futures Ceremony…” she makes an exaggerated pause clearly hoping that I will react with a nod. When I don’t, she continues, “… but don’t think about it. They’ve been watching us for years. They know what’s good for us. And you’re by far one of the smartest ones, and you’re pretty so there’s no way they won’t pair you.”

Jacqueline and her unyielding faith in a good future. She doesn’t doubt, she doesn’t worry. She always know things will occur as they should. I can’t help but truly appreciate her confirmation that I’m pretty as well. I don’t always feel it- especially standing next to her. She’s so fun and beautiful that everyone notices her right away the moment she steps into a room. I, on the other hand, blend in with the shadows.

“Thanks, Jacqueline.” I don’t want to talk about the future in that way. Not after my talk with Gavin. I change the direction a bit. “Did you make your plan for how you want to spend your last day?”

“How strange is it that this is our last day of being roommates? 17 years. It’s always been you and me.  We won’t ever step into the Level 17 house again or any of the houses other than…” She stops. As much as she wants to say “Paired” house, there’s no guarantee that the Unpaired won’t happen. For a moment as I watch her eyes flicker down. I wonder if despite all that she said earlier, if there’s a thought in her mind no matter how small that I may just end up in the Unpaired.

Outside of recent interactions, I’ve never been one to go out of my way to talk to the boys in our class throughout the years. Other than Jacqueline, I haven’t really talked to many of the other girls either unless I have to. I’ve always stuck with my own thoughts, my books and Gavin which of course no one knows about. Or I talk to some of the older people throughout Impetus like Mr. Frank. I tend to like what they have to say more than the people my age. I’ve always been that way.

For the first time in 17 years as these thoughts snowball on my recent revelations with Gavin, it hits me that maybe being that way has been detrimental to my future. Oh no… I’ve never thought of it like that before. I always just did what I gravitate to and not what I “have” to do.

I think about everyone else in my class. They’ve played their cards right. It’s safe to say I’m probably the one they all know least about. Although our class is one of the rarities in the sense that it has an even number of girls and boys, there’s no guarantee that everyone will be paired. Unpaired people occur in every single ceremony- it’s what keeps Impetus functioning to replace positions that open as other members grow old and enter into the Clinic for their Respite years.

I’ve always told myself that being an Unpaired would be okay. There are people throughout the Community like Mr. Frank that I like to talk to. However, I also know that Jacqueline and I would then forever be split and probably never talk again. The Paired and Unpaired are on completely different societal tracks. They don’t spend time together and typically don’t acknowledge one another unless absolutely forced to do so.

The Community even keeps them separated in work jobs. The Unpaired fall into jobs that keep the Levels functioning- teachers, room maids, monitors, cafeteria workers, maintenance workers, and janitors. Sometimes they will have the Unpaired tending the Community lawns and plants like Mr. Frank. Those are rare jobs, highly sought after as an Unpaired due to the freedom of being outside verses inside a building the majority of the time. The Paired will have jobs as professionals either on the Board, as a nurse, trainers, assisting the Cooperatives with making clothes, furniture, growing food, or working as analysts producing Community reports. These are highly social jobs, emphasized as central to the development and functioning of Impetus. Certain unpaired people will be assigned as subs for all of these roles to provide assistance in specific circumstances such as in the month of September when all Pairings don’t work in order to reproduce for the Community. They get one month a year to be successful. Due to this, September is known to be a favorite month among the Unpaired. It’s the one time a year that the Unpaired essentially dominate the Community as the Pairs are confined to their Homes, working off strict schedules to reproduce.

Being unpaired wouldn’t be awful and I will be the first to admit, it’s probably more fitting for my personality. But who wants that? Who says that’s what they want for their future? And Jacqueline. I can’t even fathom never speaking to her again. She’s right- I am smart enough and at least basically pretty. I have good genetics. That counts for something… right?

“Well I definitely want to spend some time with you and head to the park. I hope you understand that I also want to make sure I’m spending some time with Ethan. I’m sure it’s too late for the Community Board to make any adjustments to what they’ve already decided, but I want to make sure it is set in stone.”

“Not a problem at all. I completely understand.” It was perfect because then with Jacqueline being preoccupied with Ethan, I could sneak off and see Gavin. It should be easy today as the entire Community will be setting up for the Futures Ceremony tomorrow. I would think the gardens were tended to earlier this morning already so there would be no one blocking my way.

Jacqueline gives me time to shower and get dressed and then we head to breakfast. Our last breakfast in the cafeteria. Well, again if we are paired, that is. The Paired get home cooked meals every night. However, the Unpaired still have a cafeteria like all the Levels do. I sigh. I have to stop thinking this way.

There is a lot of laughter ringing out from the tables where Level 17 students are sitting. Levels 14-16 students are observing them carefully, analyzing how they act, realizing that this moment- this last day in any sort of Level housing or cafeteria- is a milestone. We spend our entire lives up to this point wondering what our future will be like. Wondering if the Community Board members are watching our moves, hoping they see ones that may drastically affect our future in a way that we want it to. It’s been a sort of game throughout our lives. Us thinking we know how we want our future to be, and then trying to control the little we can into getting exactly what we want by emphasizing certain acts.

Except me. Oh why have I been so foolish to miss this? I’ve always been in my own head, analyzing everything and watching everyone else’s story unfold. I’ve missed out on mine and now someone else will be determining the rest of my story. The only thing I could have possibly had a chance to influence, I missed.

Then again, I’m not sure how I would have even tried to influence my future. I keep repeating Gavin’s question in my head: “What do you want?” Even to this day, the day before my future is determined and I’m not sure what I would say even if the Community Board said, “Evangeline, we’re confused. You choose your future.”  I’m not sold on the Paired side just as I’m not sold on the Unpaired side. I want to say Paired because that’s what’s more socially acceptable and if I had a microphone shoved in my face, I’d probably give in; but I’m not sure if I’m equipped for that.

Then I think of Liam. If Liam was in my Level, I would say Paired. Hands down, I would want to be Paired. Even if there was a minimal chance that he would be my Pairing, I would still want it to have that hope. I want to see those goosebumps again.

Those last thoughts came rolling out so fast that I could hardly process them. My choice was clear. Although only in a situation that didn’t exist, one that wasn’t an option because Liam wasn’t in my Level and of course he was already a Paired. But I had made a decision even if only hypothetical. Of course when it comes to choosing a real future, I struggle. If only the other guys in my level were like Liam.

I sit through breakfast, quieter than all the rest, barely listening to all of their conversations. Every now and then someone will turn to me, wanting confirmation on what they said or looking for someone else in their court to provide additional laughter to a comment they made. I would abide, my thoughts elsewhere, but obliging to whatever sort of noise they needed me to make. As soon as everyone was finished eating, the Level 17 group swarms to the door with decided plans to go to the Park and spend our last day together.

We sit in a circle, nineteen of us together for the final day before being displayed as adults in front of the entire community tomorrow. There’s something somewhat sweet about this moment.

Of course Adeline makes sure to say, “I am going to spend the rest of the day with Caroline so let’s pretend she’s sitting with us right now.” Then she tells Bryan to make some room as though Caroline is sitting in between them. He makes a face to the rest of the group that garners a few giggles but reluctantly obeys. Despite bringing up her ode to Caroline, there are a couple of times that Adeline and I make eye contact and smile at each other. That hasn’t happened in seventeen years. It definitely confirmed that Caroline wasn’t there despite Adeline’s attempt at pretending she was. There’s no way she’d be caught smiling at me otherwise. 

We all talked as a group, reminiscing on old memories throughout the years. Soon after, smaller conversations take place as people begin to couple or group up. Damian says he wants to get a football game going and Jacqueline immediately stands up to join as she’s usually always the first female interested to play any sort of sport.

I let myself fall to the back, and after a few minutes, I make a mumbled comment about forgetting something at the Home. By this time, Jacqueline is already tossing a football back and forth with Ethan and Nathan and most everyone else is engrossed in other activities or conversations.  No one looks up as I make my way to the Clinic and then take a quick detour around the back of the building, keeping close to the shadows that cast over me.

In my walk, I realize that Gavin, for once in my life, has not been in the front of my mind. From all the activities that occurred over the past couple of days, I’ve been preoccupied. I think about our last conversation and how we left it. I suppose especially after me missing our meeting yesterday, there may be a chance that he’s not here today.

As I sneak to the thickets and push through to the other side of the wall, I stop. I hear branches moving and footsteps cracking over limbs on the ground. It doesn’t sound too far away.

I walk carefully behind the noise, making sure to keep my distance and dodging behind trees to prevent from being seen. Next thing I know, the noise stops. I can’t see anyone.

I stay quiet behind a tree, not breathing, only carefully listening for any sort of movement at all. The leaves are humming ever so lightly but everything else is motionless.

My peripheral vision catches the sight of a hand behind me reaching to  grab my shoulder, fiercely turning me around before I can trigger my body to fight in response.