The One Year Love Language Minute Devotional (78 page)

God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners. ROMANS 5:8

WHEN YOU GOT MARRIED, did you sign a contract or make a covenant? When you sign a mortgage contract, the bank loans you the money if you agree to make the monthly payments. Stop making payments, and the bank will foreclose on your house to get their money back.

Many couples have the same attitude about marriage. They might say, "I will love you and be faithful to you if you will love me and be faithful to me." That is not the biblical view of marriage. Biblically, marriage is a covenant, not a contract. Covenant marriage is based on unconditional love-love no matter what.

God is the author of unconditional love. Romans 5 reminds us that God loved us and sacrificed for us even when we were sinful, undeserving, and ungrateful. The prophet Isaiah even compared our best efforts to "filthy rags" (64:6). We have nothing to offer God, but he loves us nonetheless. Loving the unlovely is the hallmark of God. It is also the key to a successful marriage.

Lord Jesus, thank you for loving me when 1 can offer nothing in return. Help me to love my spouse the same way-freely and fully, no matter what.

When I refused to confess my sin, my body wasted away, and I groaned all day long.... Finally, I confessed all my sins to you and stopped trying to hide my guilt. I said to myself, "I will confess my rebellion to the LORD."And you forgave me!All myguilt isgone. PSALM 32:3,5

THE CLASSIC SEVENTIES MOVIE Love Story advised us that true love means never having to say, "I'm sorry." I don't think they got it right, for one simple reason: We are all human, and humans are not perfect. All of us end up hurting the people we love most. Having a good marriage does not demand perfection, but it does require us to apologize when we fail.

When I say, "I'm sorry;" I'm expressing regret that my words or behavior have brought you pain. It's a basic guideline for getting along with others. It also reflects the spiritual truth that to receive forgiveness, we first need to admit what we've done. Ignoring our sin doesn't make it go away, as King David experienced before he wrote the words of Psalm 32. In fact, ignoring it often makes us feel far worse. But when we express regret for our wrongdoing and the hurt it caused, we pave the way for forgiveness and reconciliation. That's true in our relationship with God as well as in our marriage.

When was the last time you said, "I'm sorry;" to your husband or wife? If it's been a while, then you probably owe him or her an apology. Love means always being willing to say, "I'm sorry."

God, sometimes it's so hard to humble myself to say a simple, "I'm sorry." Help me not to take my spouse's forgiveness for granted, but to be willing to admit when I am wrong.

The ear tests the words it hears just as the mouth distinguishes between foods.

JOB 12:11

PERHAPS YOU HAVE SAID, "I'm sorry," but your spouse is finding it hard to forgive you. You may feel frustrated and say to yourself, I apologized. What else can I do? If you're serious, I'll tell you. Ask your spouse this question: "What can I do to make this up to you?" You might also say, "I know I hurt you, and I feel badly about it, but I want to make it right. I want to do something to show you that I love you."

This is far more powerful than simply saying, "I'm sorry." Why? Because sometimes words don't mean much unless they're backed up with action. The Old Testament figure job was overrun with words from his friends, who tried to make sense of his terrible suffering. But much of what they said was wrong, and in the passage above, job says that he tested their words to determine what was true. We all do the same thing-test words to see if they are genuine and if they will likely be followed up with action.

To establish trust, you need to show that your words are genuine. When you ask your spouse how you can make the situation right, you are trying to make restitution. You are demonstrating that you really care about your relationship. After all, what your spouse wants to know is whether your apology is sincere. Make sure your answer is clear.

Lord, often I need to go the extra mile to make amends. Help me to show my spouse that) am sincere, and that) desire to do what is right. Help me to be willing to seek the reconciliation that our relationship needs.

Pay attention to how you hear. To those who listen to my teaching, more understanding will be given. But for those who are not listening, even what they think they understand will be taken away from them. LUKE 8: 18

BUILDING INTIMACY is a process, not an event. We don't obtain intimacy and keep it on the shelf as a treasure for the rest of our lives. Intimacy is fluid, not static. And the way we maintain intimacy is communication.

Communication involves two simple elements: self-revelation and listening. One person tells the other his or her thoughts, feelings, and experiences (self-revelation) while the other listens with a view to understanding what the spouse is thinking and feeling. The process is then reversed, and the speaker becomes the listener. The simple act of talking and listening maintains intimacy.

If this is all it takes, what's the big problem? It's called selfishness. Too often, we stop listening and start preaching. When both partners are preaching, neither preacher has an audience. When we get tired of talking at each other, we withdraw in silent resentment. We will never be able to return to intimacy until we apologize and forgive each other for being selfish.

Jesus talked about listening, as we can see in Luke 8:18. When we listen intently, he said, we gain understanding. But when we aren't paying attention, we lose even the understanding we once had. That's how important genuine listening is in building intimacy.

Father, l need to be a better listener-to you as well as to my spouse. Help me to stop my mind and my mouth from moving when it's my loved one's turn to talk. Please give me greater understanding so that we can build greater intimacy.

God does not show favoritism. ROMANS 2:11

HOW CAN WE leave parents after we're married and at the same time honor them? This can get sticky because, of course, two sets of parents are generally involved in a couple's life. Issues can particularly arise during the holidays. Perhaps the wife's mother wants the couple home for Christmas Eve, and the husband's mother wants them home for Christmas dinner. That may be possible if the two families live in the same town, but not if they live five hundred miles apart.