The One Year Love Language Minute Devotional (79 page)

The guiding principle must be equality. Romans 2:11 says, "God does not show favoritism." In this particular passage, the apostle Paul is reminding his readers that God makes no distinction between Jewish and Gentile believers, but God's lack of favoritism certainly extends to other groups as well. He is our model. We must seek to treat both sets of in-laws with equality. This may mean Christmas here this year and Christmas there next year, or Christmas with one family and Thanksgiving with the other. The same principle applies to phone calls, e-mails, visits, dinners, and vacations.

You are not responsible for your parents' happiness; that will be determined by their own attitude. You are simply seeking to show equal honor and respect for them. Having done so, you have followed the biblical injunction: Honor your father and your mother.

Father, thank you for not showing favoritism. You welcome everyone who turns to you. Help me to treat myparents and my in-laws with equal honor and respect, and to make sure my spouse and 1 are fair in the way we spend our time. Please give us grace as we discuss these issues.

Get all the advice and instruction you can, so you will be wise the rest of your life. PROVERBS 19:20

HERE'S A COMMON QUESTION I hear as a counselor: "We recently had our first child, and my mother insists on doing things that contradict our parenting choices. I don't want to hurt her feelings. What shall we do?" It always helps to begin by realizing that your mother's (or mother-in-law's) intentions are good. Give her credit for trying to help you. In fact, some of her ideas may be excellent, so don't write her off simply because she is your mother.

Remember, the book of Proverbs speaks highly of those who seek advice and instruction. When it comes to rearing children, others' knowledge and ideas-whether from a parent or from books-are often beneficial. On the other hand, you must not let your mother control your parenting choices. You and your spouse are responsible for rearing your child.

I suggest you listen to your mother's ideas and thank her for sharing them with you. Then you and your spouse do what you think is best for your child. If your mother is upset because you did not take her advice, say, "I can understand that, Mom, and I really appreciate your advice, but we must do what we think is best for our child. That's what you and Dad did, right? And I think you did a pretty good job with me."

Your mother may not be happy, but she will learn to back off and wait until you ask for her advice-which, incidentally, would be a wise move on your part.

Thank you, God, for the child you have given us to rear. Thank you, too, for loving, concerned parents. We pray for wisdom to sift through advice and make wise decisions as we rear our child.

You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous-how well I know it. PSALM 139:13-14

MARRIAGES FAIL for three primary reasons: (1) lack of an intimate relationship with God, (2) lack of an intimate relationship with our mate, or (3) lack of an intimate understanding and acceptance of ourselves. It is the last of these that I want to address in the next few days.

Most of us tend to either underestimate or overestimate our value. We perceive ourselves either as useless failures or as God's gift to the world. Both of these extremes are incorrect. In reality, every person on earth is a miracle of God's workmanship and is "wonderfully complex;' as the psalmist says above. And at the same time, every person on earth has sinned and fallen short of God's glory (see Romans 3:23). None of us are worthy because of anything we have done, but rather because the Lord created us and saved us.

The truth is that your pattern of feeling, thinking, and behaving, which is your personality, has both strengths and weaknesses. The first step in making the most of who you are is identifying your strengths and seeking to channel them into productive actions. Next, identify your weaknesses and seek to grow. Personal growth will likely spill over into your marriage.

Lord Jesus, help me to see myself accurately. I know that you have created mein your image-yeti fail so often. I need to acknowledge my strengths and weaknesses and work to change in the way you want me to. I want to grow personall y so that) can also become a better husband or wife.

Let the Spirit renew your thoughts and attitudes. Put on your new nature, created to be like God-truly righteous and holy. EPHESIANS 4:23-24

IS YOUR PERSONALITY an asset or a liability to your marriage? Most personality traits are expressed by contrasting words. We speak of an individual being optimistic or pessimistic, critical or complimentary, extroverted or introverted, patient or impatient. While our personalities are developed in childhood, they are not set in concrete. We can change.

If I realize that my tendency to withdraw and remain silent is detrimental to my marriage, I can learn to share my feelings and thoughts. If I realize that my critical attitude is killing my mate's spirit, I can break the pattern and learn to give compliments. The message of the Bible is that God loves us as we are, but he loves us too much to leave us as we are. We all need to grow, and growth requires change. I am influenced by my personality, but I need not be controlled by it. Instead, I am to be controlled by the Holy Spirit. In Ephesians 4, Paul tells us to "let the Spirit renew [our] thoughts and attitudes." He will work in our lives, but we need to allow him to do it. When I yield to him, I will see significant changes in my approach to life and marriage.

Holy Spirit, through your power I know you can change me. I want to be renewed. I want to be more like Jesus. Please help me to yield to you. I want to reap the benefits in my life and in my marriage.

Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christjesus, is calling us. PHILIPPIANS 3:13-14

PERSONAL GROWTH leads to marital growth. Personal growth can come in many ways, including dealing with feelings of inferiority and superiority, or understanding our personality and how it affects our marriages. Today, I want to address the need to accept those things about yourself that cannot be changed.

Perhaps the most influential unchangeable factor in your life is your history. By definition, it cannot be changed. Your parents, for better or for worse, dead or alive, known or unknown, are your parents. Your childhood, pleasant or painful, is your childhood and stands as history. Your marriage or past relationships fall into the same category. No matter what the circumstances, it is futile to reason, "We should never have gotten married in the first place." The fact cannot be changed. You can divorce, often with great pain, but you can never erase your marriage. Your history is not to be changed, but accepted and dealt with.