The One Year Love Language Minute Devotional (73 page)

He has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west.

PSALM 103:12

HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED that what one person considers an apology is not what another person considers an apology? Consider this exchange between a couple in my office. The wife says, "I'd forgive him if he would apologize." The husband responds, "I did apologize." "You did not apologize;' she says. "I told you that I was sorry," the husband replies. "That is not an apology," she declares. So, what is an apology?

The truth is, it's different things to different people. After three years of research, Dr. Jennifer Thomas and I have concluded that there are five basic elements to an apology. We call them the five languages of apology. Just like love languages, each person has a primary apology language; one of the five speaks more deeply to him or her than the other four. If you don't speak the right language, the person you have wronged may consider your apology insincere. For the wife in my office, "I'm sorry" was not her apology language. The husband may have been sincere, but it did not come across that way to her.

Fortunately for us, God always hears and responds when we ask for forgiveness, as we see from the passage above. He who is able to know our hearts is more concerned with our sincerity than which words we choose to express it. But as mere humans, we often get stuck on the words. In the next few days, we'll talk about the five languages of apology.

Father, l want to communicate well with my spouse, especially when 1 am apologizing for something. Please help me to understand the best way to communicate. Thank you for always hearing me when I confess my sin to you.

You were cleansed from your sins when you obeyed the truth, so now you must show sincere love to each other as brothers and sisters. Love each other deeply with all your heart. i PETER 1:22

HAVE YOU EVER QUESTIONED the sincerity of someone's apology? It's probably because the person did not speak your "apology language." Perhaps he said, "I'm sorry;" but you wanted to hear, "I was wrong" Maybe she said, "Will you forgive me?" but what you wanted to hear was, "What can I do to make this right?" He said, "I was wrong. I really feel badly about it;' but it was the same thing he apologized for last week. What you want is evidence of repentance and some assurance that this will not keep happening.

Many of our apologies come across as insincere because we are not speaking the apology language of the offended person. If couples can learn each other's primary apology language and speak it when they offend each other, forgiveness will be much easier. You can choose to forgive someone even if you question his or her sincerity, but its much easier if in your heart you believe the person is sincere. First Peter 1:22 makes clear that we are to show sincere love to each other as believers-love that comes from our whole heart. Let's make sure we are communicating that love as well.

Father, you know how deeply! love my spouse. Please help me to communicate that even in apologizing so that he or she can see how sincere 1 am.

"O LORD,"I prayed, "have mercy on me. Heal me, for I have sinned against you." PSALM 41:4

DO YOU KNOW the five languages of apology? What I'm going to share could greatly improve your ability to apologize effectively.

c w Apology language #I is expressing regret. Examples are "I'm sorry" or "I feel badly about what I did."

nv Apology language #2 is accepting responsibility. "I was wrong" or "It was my fault."

ov Apology language #3 is making restitution. "What can I do to make it right?"

ow Apology language #4 is genuinely repenting. "I don't want to continue hurting you. I know that it is wrong, and I don't want it to happen again."

nv Apology language #5 is requesting forgiveness. "Will you please forgive me?" or "I value our relationship, and I hope you will forgive me."

Out of these five, your spouse likely has a primary apology language. One of these is more important to him or her than the other four. To give a successful apology, you must learn to speak the apology language of your spouse.

You may discover your primary apology language by the way you confess your sin to God. Listen for the words you typically use as you confess and ask forgiveness; they will give you clues. Fortunately, the Lord knows our hearts and doesn't depend on our words to decide whether we're sincere!

Father, thank you for making people so different. Please help me to understand my spouse and figure out what is most important to him or her in an apology. Thank you for your constant forgiveness.

Don't just listen to God's word. You must do what it says. Otherwise, you are only foolingyourselves.... If you look carefully into the perfect law that sets you free, and if you do what it says and don't forget what you heard, then God will bless you for doing it. JAMES 1:22, 25

IMPROVING A MARRIAGE is not easy, but I can tell you a surefire way to do it: Begin by changing your own attitude. Instead of cursing the darkness, light a candle in your own heart. Say to God, "If you will give me a vision of what a godly spouse would look like, then I'm willing to make changes" Then read the Bible and look for those passages that tell you what a Christian husband or wife should be.

Let this be your dream, and meditate on it throughout the day. Ask God to help you live up to his model. Every day do something that will make you a better spouse. For example, look for things you can give a genuine compliment about. Think about how you could serve your mate. Think about a gift that would enrich his or her life. Think about how you could spend more time together. But don't just think about it-do it!

In the passage above, we see that James challenged his readers to do more than just hear God's Word. If we hear and don't change our behavior, we're essentially fooling ourselves. It's when we put God's guidance into practice that transforming change can take place.

When your attitude and behavior change, you will have a positive influence on your spouse. This influence will be far more powerful than your former criticisms. Certainly your marriage can change, and the change begins with you.

Father, l often complain about my marriage, but I'm not willing to do anything about it. Please forgive me for my arrogance in assuming that my spouse is to blame. I want to commit to changing myself. Please show me how 1 can be a godly spouse. Transform my words and my thinking; conform me to your image. MayI be a positive influence in my marriage.