The One Year Love Language Minute Devotional (85 page)

His unfailing love toward those who fear him is as great as the height of the heavens above the earth. He has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west. PSALM 103:11-12

I WANT TO GIVE You four steps for responding to self-focused anger. First, admit your anger. "I am really feeling angry at myself," is the first statement of healing.

Second, examine your anger by asking yourself, Did I do something wrong? The answer to this question will help you determine if your anger is definitive or distorted. Definitive anger means you did something morally wrong. Distorted anger means you disappointed yourself but did no moral wrong. Forgetting to take your husband's shirts to the laundry is not sinful. Forgetting is not a sin; it is a part of our humanity.

Third, confess any wrongdoing to God and to the person you wronged.

Fourth, choose to forgive yourself. There is nothing to be gained by condemning yourself with comments like "I deserve to suffer; look what I did. I was so stupid. I did what I knew was wrong. I don't deserve forgiveness." Remember, Satan is the accuser (see job 1:6). God is the forgiver. Why not side with God? Psalm 103 tells us that he "has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west" In other words, our sins are completely gone. If the Lord has forgiven you, then you can forgive yourself. And once you've done that, you will be better able to relate to your spouse openly, without blame or anger.

Father, you know how easy it is for me to get angry at myself and how hard it can be for me to get out of the self-blaming mind-set. When I do something I shouldn't, please help me to be willing to confess the wrongdoing and ask for your forgiveness. I know that's the only way to resolve my anger. And as 1 process this anger, please help me not to lash out at my spouse but rather to be loving.

[Jesus said,] "I will show you what it's like when someone comes to me, listens to my teaching, and then follows it. It is like a person building a house who digs deep and lays the foundation on solid rock. When the floodwaters rise and break against that house, it stands firm because it is well built."

LUKE 6:47-48

A STRONG FOUNDATION is the key to a strong marriage. Jesus told the story of a wise person who built a house on a foundation of solid rock. When storms and floods came, the house was not shaken. Contrast that to the foolish person, who built a house with no foundation. It collapsed at the first storm. The foundation in our relationship with God is faith, trust, and obedience. In our marriage, the foundation is oneness.

In God's plan, marriage involves two people, husband and wife, becoming one unit. They choose to share life more deeply with each other than with anyone else. This intimacy involves all aspects of life. Ideally, before we get married, we should explore the foundation for oneness. Intellectually, are we on the same wavelength? Can we talk and understand each other? Emotionally, are we able to share our feelings without fear of rejection? Socially, do we enjoy similar activities? Spiritually, are we marching to the beat of the same drummer?

After marriage, we build on this foundation. If the foundation is shaky, then it will be more difficult to build intimacy. But build we must, for that is the heart of what marriage is all about. If we choose to disengage and live separate lives, we are violating God's design for marriage. Creating intimacy may be difficult, but we have all of God's help when we commit ourselves to following his plan.

Father, I want our marriage to have a strong foundation of oneness. Help us to build it up as we seek to develop intimacy in all areas of our relationship. May our marriage be able to withstand the storms that will come our way in this life. Please guide us.

No one can lay any foundation other than the one we already have-Jesus Christ. 1 CORINTHIANS 3:11

SPIRITUAL INTIMACY is often the most difficult area of marriage, and yet it is the most important. Our relationship with God affects everything else we do. The apostle Paul wrote in 1 Corinthians 3 that the only foundation for believers is Jesus Christ. Trusting in him for our salvation provides the basis and direction for the rest of our lives.

Obviously, we must each maintain our own personal walk with God. We cannot do that for each other. But as married partners, we can share that walk, and in so doing, we encourage each other and build intimacy. Let me share some ideas for improving spiritual intimacy:

1. Share with each other one thing you liked about the worship service you attended. (That's far more edifying than sharing the things you did not like.)

2. Share a Scripture verse you read in your own devotional time. Don't use this to preach at your husband or wife, but to share what you found encouraging or insightful.

3. Pray together. Start with silent prayer if you like; hold hands and pray silently. Say amen aloud when you're finished, and wait for your spouse to say amen. It is not that difficult, and it will draw you closer together.

Just as our relationship with God affects other aspects of our life, so spiritual intimacy will affect all other aspects of our marriage. As we each grow closer to God, we grow closer to each other. Spiritual intimacy will enhance emotional, intellectual, and physical intimacy. All of these are part of becoming one in marriage.

Lord Jesus, l know that you are the foundation of my life. Nothing else can take that most important place. l pray that our relationship with you would also be central to our marriage. Help us to share the challenges and encouragements we face as we grow nearer to you. May we draw closer together as our spiritual intimacy grows.

May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to you, O LORD, my rock and my redeemer. PSALM 19:14

ALL OF US ARE COMMUNICATORS. The question is, what kind of communicators? Simply put, communication is sharing life with another. It is the process whereby two individuals choose to reveal some of their thoughts, feelings, and experiences to each other.

On the surface level, communication seems simple enough. One may wonder why research indicates that lack of communication is one of the major problems in relationships. One reason is that our emotions often get in the way of genuine interaction. Feelings of hurt, anger, fear, disappointment, frustration, or low self-esteem often hinder our openness.

In our efforts to maintain emotional stability, we develop various patterns of communication. After a while, we are not even aware of these patterns; we are simply doing what comes naturally to us. Chances are that you, as individuals and as a couple, have developed some positive patterns and also some negative.

In the next few days, we will explore some of the negative patterns we can fall into and seek to change them. As the psalmist says above, we want the words that come from our mouths-and especially those directed to our spouse-to be helpful, loving, and pleasing to God.

Lord Jesus, I'm grateful for the things myspouse and 1 can share. Please help us to be willing to consider how we can improve our communication.