The One Year Love Language Minute Devotional (25 page)

At that time I will plant a crop of Israelites and raise them for myself. I will show love to those I called `Not loved."And to those I called "Not my people," I will say, "Now you are my people."And they will reply, "You are our God!"

HOSEA 2:23

COVENANT MARRIAGE requires confrontation and forgiveness. We make major promises when we get married, but sometimes we fail. Failures will not destroy a marriage, but failing to deal with failures will. The proper response to a failure is to admit it and ask forgiveness.

This is the way God treats us. He says, "If you violate my covenant, you will suffer, but I will not take my love from you. Nor will I betray my faithfulness." God will not smile upon our failure. He lets us suffer the consequences, but he continues to love us, and he seeks reconciliation. The verses above are some of the beautiful, heartfelt words from the book of Hosea. The Lord was frustrated and angry with the Israelites, who repeatedly turned away from him and worshiped idols instead. Several passages in the book detail the consequences the people would suffer because they refused to listen-but those passages are then followed up with wonderful promises like those we see here. The Lord always seeks reconciliation. He is ready to welcome us with open arms.

The same should be true in marriage. We cannot condone a spouse's sinful behavior, but we can lovingly confront with a desire to forgive and reconcile. When your spouse says, "I'm sorry. I know I was wrong. Will you forgive me?" the covenant response is always,"Yes, I want to renew our covenant relationship." Love always seeks reconciliation.

Father, thank you for the powerful example you show us through the book of Hosea. If you can repeatedly forgive and welcome us back to you, how much more can I forgive and reconcile with my spouse? Please help me to remember this important part of a covenant marriage.

Wise words bring many benefits, and hard work brings rewards.... The wise listen to others. PROVERBS 12:14-15

WHEN IT COMES TO TALKING, there are two personality types. The first is what I call the Dead Sea personality. Just as the Dead Sea in Israel receives water from the Jordan River but has no outlet, so many people can receive all kinds of experiences throughout the day. They store these in their minds and have little compulsion to share.

Then there is the personality that I call the Babbling Brook. Whatever information comes in the eyes or ears of this person quickly comes out the mouth. Often these two types of people marry each other. Can they have a happy marriage? Yes, if they understand their personality differences and seek to grow.

Chances are the Babbling Brook will be complaining, "My mate won't talk. I don't ever know what he's thinking. I feel like we are becoming strangers." How do you get a quiet person to talk?

Two suggestions: First, ask specific questions. The worst thing you can ever say to a Dead Sea personality is, "I wish you'd talk more." That statement is overwhelming, and it comes across as condemnation. It's far better to ask a specific question, because even the quietest person will generally respond.

Another suggestion is to stop the flow of your own words. If you want another person to talk more, you have to talk less. Leave little pools of silence. Remember, King Solomon wrote that "The wise listen to others." If you find yourself talking too much and your spouse talking too little, follow the advice of the apostle James and be "quick to listen, slow to speak" (James 1:19). Your marriage will benefit.

Heavenly Father, thank you for making my spouse and me so different. You know that one of us loves to talk and the other doesn't talk much without encouragement. Please help me to be quick to listen and to slow down my speech when I need to. I want to know my spouse better and to communicate more effectively with him or her.

Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. EPHESIANS 3:20

YESTERDAY WE DISCUSSED the fact that personality is often a factor when one spouse won't talk. Today I want to address another common reason: fear. Perhaps in childhood, perhaps in a former marriage, or perhaps in your marriage your spouse has discovered that if he shares his true thoughts and feelings, it will likely cause an explosion. Not liking explosions, he clams up.

How do you overcome this shutdown? I suggest you begin with loving confrontation. Bring up the matter kindly. For example, you might say, "I want us to have a growing marriage, and I think you want the same. I feel that in the past when you have shared your ideas, you have experienced my wrath, or maybe a parent's or someone else's anger. I don't know about them, but I know that is not what I want. I am asking God to help me hear you. So could we begin by sharing just one event that has happened in our lives each day? I think this will get us on a positive track." Your spouse will likely be relieved that you have brought up the topic and will be willing to try again. Remember, the Bible makes clear that change is possible. The Lord can do more than we can even imagine, so he can certainly turn our communication patterns around.

Father, please forgive me for the times when I have shutdown my spouse by responding in anger. I pray for help to identify times when I do this. Please touch my spouse's heart so that he or she will be willing to try again.

Respect everyone, and love your Christian brothers and sisters. i PETER 2:17

I'VE HEARD many people say,"My spouse won't talk with me." If this describes your marriage, the question is, why? One reason some spouses go silent is negative communication patterns. Here are some questions to help you think about your own patterns. Consider whether you often come across as negative or complaining.

nv Do I listen to my spouse when he talks, or do I cut him off and give my responses?

nv Do I allow my partner space when she needs it, or do I force the issue of communication, even at those times when she needs to be alone?

nv Do I maintain confidences, or do I broadcast our private conversations to others?

nv Do I openly share my own needs and desires in the form of requests rather than demands?

nv Do I give my spouse the freedom to have opinions that differ from my own, or am I quick to "set him straight"?

If you answer yes to the second half of any of these questions, it may be time to change your communication patterns. It's all about treating your spouse (and all believers) with respect and love, as 1 Peter 2:17 directs. Doing so may loosen the tongue of a silent spouse.

Father, please forgive me for the times 1 have been disrespectful to my spouse in the wayl talk. I have not listened, been demanding and controlling, and breached confidences. I know that kind of behavior is not loving. I pray that you would help me commit to a new, better way of communicating.