The One Year Love Language Minute Devotional (20 page)

HOW DO WE TALK without arguing? It begins with a resolution: I will not condemn your thoughts, but I will try to understand them. When you respond to your loved one, your words can be encouraging or discouraging. For example, compare "That's an interesting thought. Would you like to explain that further?" with "That's the most ludicrous thing I've ever heard. How could you think that?" Which is more likely to elicit further sharing from your spouse?

The book of job contains many negative conversational examples. In job 8:1-2, Job's supposed friend Bildad responds harshly to job, who has been pouring out his heart about his difficult situation. Bildad's words ("How long will you go on like this? You sound like a blustering wind.") contrast sharply with King Solomon's descriptions of the words of the godly, which are valuable and encouraging.

Here are some conversation starters to help you develop deeper communication:

nv Read the same article in the local newspaper and share your thoughts with each other.

c w Watch a movie or television program and answer these questions: Was there a message in this movie? What did you find objectionable? What did you find most interesting?

c w Read a book on any subject, one chapter per week, and tell each other one idea you found intriguing or helpful in the chapter.

With any of these options, concentrate on understanding each other rather than trying to prove your point or be "right." Intimacy is developed by positive conversations. These kinds of intentional discussions, when practiced over a period of time, will stimulate intellectual intimacy, which may well lead to emotional and sexual intimacy. Good communication is a key to a strong marriage.

Father, forgive me for the times when my words have been more like Bildad's than like King Solomon's. I pray that as a couple we may grow in our ability to have conversations without arguing. May these help us understand each other better.

A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare.

PROVERBS 15:1

DO YOU KNOW HOW to affirm your spouse even when you disagree? It's a big step in learning how to have meaningful conversations. Take this example: A wife has shared that she is hurt by something her husband has done, and he responds, "I appreciate your sharing your ideas and feelings with me. Now I can understand why you could feel so hurt. If I were in your shoes, I'm sure I would feel the same way. I want you to know that I love you very much, and it hurts me to see you upset. I appreciate your being open with me." This husband has learned the art of affirming his wife even though he may not agree with her perception.

Of course, he has a perspective and will eventually share it, but first, he wants his wife to know that he understands what she is saying and can identify with her pain. He is not condemning her interpretation, nor is he telling her that she should not feel upset. In fact, he is acknowledging that if he were in her shoes, he would feel the same way. And he would-because if he had her personality and perception, then he would feel what she feels.

Harsh words or judgment will frequently provoke anger. But giving a gentle answer, as King Solomon says in the above proverb, encourages a thoughtful response. This affirmation of feelings creates a positive climate where the offended person can now hear the other person's side.

Father, let me make it my goal to give a gentle answer to my spouse. Please give me the humility to acknowledge his or her feelings without immediately needing to point out my perspective.

How precious is your unfailing love, 0 God! All humanity finds shelter in the shadow of your wings. PSALM 36:7

HUMAN BEHAVIOR IS MOTIVATED by certain physical, emotional, and spiritual needs. If you don't understand your spouse's needs, you will never understand his or her behavior. In the next few days, we will look at some of those needs. Today we focus on the need for love.

The need to love and be loved is the most fundamental of our needs. The desire to love accounts for the charitable side of humans. We feel good about ourselves when we are loving others. On the other hand, much of our behavior is motivated by the desire to receive love. We feel loved when we are convinced that someone genuinely cares about our well-being. The psalmist reiterates this human need to feel love in the verse above when he thanks God for his unfailing love. The image of people taking shelter in the Lord, like chicks huddling under their mother's wings, touches us deeply because that need to be cared for is so significant.

When your spouse complains that you don't give her enough time, she is crying for love. When your spouse says, "I don't ever do anything right;' he is begging for affirming words. Argue about the behavior and you will stimulate more negative behavior. Look behind the behavior to discover the emotional need. Meet that need, and you will eliminate the negative behavior. Love seeks to meet needs.

Father, please give me the maturity to look beyond my spouse's behavior to the need behind it. Help me to communicate my deep love to him or her.

He is so rich in kindness and grace that he purchased our freedom with the blood of his Son and forgave our sins. EPHESIANS 1:7

ONE OF GOD'S great gifts is the gift of freedom. As the verse above states, God has given us the ultimate freedom by releasing us from the bonds of sin. We have great freedom in Christ, and this call to freedom is a part of who we are.

This desire for freedom is so strong that whenever we feel that someone is trying to control us-particularly someone we love-we tend to become defensive and angry. We need to give each other freedom: to read a book, to watch a sports event, to go shopping, to take a nap, to consider a new vocation. When we try to control our loved one's behavior, we threaten his or her freedom and stimulate anger.

Ever wonder why, when you accuse your spouse of wasting time, he or she tends to "come out fighting"? You have threatened her freedom. She feels like you are trying to control her behavior. It is fine to request behavior change, but requests are far different from demands. Demands come across as controlling; requests give information. Try a respectful request: "Could you please take out the garbage? That would make me really happy." He may or he may not, but at least he won't feel like you are trying to control him.

Lord Jesus, thank you for the freedom you offer us because of your sacrifice. Help us as a couple to offer freedom to each other as well, rather than trying to control each other.