The One Year Love Language Minute Devotional (61 page)

COLOSSIANS 3:12-13

DEFENSIVENESS CAN MAKE or break a marriage. We can learn a lot about ourselves and our spouse if we analyze our defensive moments. All of us have emotional hot spots. When our spouse says or does certain things that touch on those hot spots, we get defensive-typically because our self-worth has been threatened. Initially, we may not know what these emotional hot spots are. But if we take time to analyze each event, we can get to know them quite well.

Perhaps you find that when your spouse criticizes your driving, you go ballistic. Or when he or she says something about your appearance, you snap. You have discovered hot spots. Don't ignore them, but let yourself calm down. Then later that week, ask yourself, Why did I get so defensive? Your reaction will almost always be tied to your childhood and your self-esteem. Identify the source, and then share it with your spouse.

A loving partner will choose not to exploit these triggers. As Paul writes in Colossians, we should be kind and compassionate with each other, bearing with each other's weaknesses. That includes never using your knowledge of your spouse to make him or her miserable. Instead, together you can explore ways of addressing these areas in the future. How can your spouse communicate with you in a way that will not come across as an attack on your selfworth? This kind of thoughtful, compassionate discussion is the road to a growing marriage.

Lord Jesus, thank you for helping my spouse and me understand ourselves and each other better and better. Please help us to use that knowledge wisely, kindly, and in humility. Grant us creativity and wisdom as we try to come up with new ways of talking about some of these hot-button areas.

Oh, the joys of those who ... delight in the law of the LORD, meditating on it day and night. They are like trees planted along the riverbank, bearing fruit each season. Their leaves never wither, and they prosper in all they do.

PSALM 1:1-3

WHAT IS SUCCESS? Ask a dozen people, and you may get a dozen different answers. A friend of mine said, "Success is making the most of who you are with what you've got." I like that definition. Every person has the potential to make a positive impact on the world.

Psalm 1 compares a successful person to a tree-planted by the riverbank, stable and with deep roots, healthy, flourishing, and fruitful. When we are deeply rooted in God, he can use us and we can make a significant difference in the world. It all depends on what we do with what we have. Success is not measured by the amount of money we possess or the position we attain, but by how we use our resources and our opportunities. Position and money can be used to help others, or they can be squandered or abused. The truly successful people are those who help others succeed.

The same is true in marriage. A successful wife is one who expends her time and energy helping her husband reach his potential for God and for doing good in the world. Likewise, a successful husband is one who helps his wife do the same. If you help your spouse succeed, you end up living with a winner-and someone who feels fulfilled and purposeful. Not a bad life.

Heavenly Father, l want to be well-rooted in you and able to have a positive impact on those around me. I want that for my spouse, too. Please help me to make it my goal to help him or her succeed in making the most of his or her abilities.

Honor your father and mother. Then you will live a long, full life in the land the LORD your God isgivingyou. EXODUS 20:12

A WIFE RECENTLY SAID tome, "When we first got married, my mother-inlaw really irritated me. I complained to my husband, who to his credit supported me. As my mother-in-law grew older, I began to think about what it means to `honor' your parents and in-laws. That's a command, not an option, so I do it ... even though sometimes she still gets under my skin" This woman is right that God commands us to honor parents; in fact, that verse comes directly from the Ten Commandments. But it's not always easy.

For better or for worse, our parents and parents-in-law are a part of our lives. But whether we're newlyweds or an "old married couple;' how should we relate to in-laws? Actually, we need them. That is, we need the warmth and the wisdom of parents and in-laws. But we don't need to be controlled by them. Mutual freedom and mutual respect should be the guiding principle for parents and their married children.

What guidelines does the Bible give for in-law relationships? Two principles must be kept in balance: leaving parents and honoring parents. We'll talk more about these in the next few days.

Father, help me to remember that my parents and in-laws area gift, and that they can offer wisdom and experience. Show me the right way to treat them. Thank you for being the perfect parent.

"Haven't you read," [Jesus] replied, "that at the beginning the Creator `made them male and female,'and said, `For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate." MATTHEW 19:4-6 (NIV)

IN GENESIS 2, we read that a man will leave his parents and be united to his wife. Jesus quoted this and expanded on it when he answered the Pharisees' questions on marriage and divorce, as we read in Matthew 19. Marriage involves a change of allegiance. Before marriage, our primary family allegiance is to our parents, but after marriage it is to our spouse. We must cut the proverbial apron strings. If there is a conflict of interest between a man's wife and his mother, the husband is to stand with his wife. No couple will reach their full potential in marriage without this psychological break from parents.

This "leaving of parents" is especially important in decision making. When you're considering a significant decision, your parents or in-laws may have good suggestions. Each suggestion should be taken seriously, but in the end, you and your spouse must make your own choices. There is a time to say to parents, "I love you very much. I really appreciate your ideas, but in this case we have decided to do it this way. I hope you understand, because I want to continue the relationship we have enjoyed through the years." Kindness but firmness is the key.

Father, please forgive me for the times when I have gotten my priorities mixed up and have been more loyal to my parents than to my spouse. Help me to understand that we are united as a couple, and that's your plan for our marriage.