The One Year Love Language Minute Devotional (16 page)

The one who plants and the one who waters work together with the same purpose. And both will be rewarded for their own hard work. For we are both Gods workers. 1 CORINTHIANS 3:8-9

IN THE PAST FEW DAYS, we have talked about marriage and personality differences. It's important to understand personality types because we generally seek to meet our psychological and spiritual needs in a way that fits our personality.

For example, a caretaker will find her significance in caring for a needy friend. She may spend hours trying to help this friend solve problems and find meaning in life. However, her efforts will often be incomprehensible to the controller. "Why would anyone spend so much time and energy trying to help such a loser?" is the attitude of the controller. He fails to recognize that the caretaker is finding her own significance as she cares for the needy person. The controller, on the other hand, will likely find his significance in accomplishing projects and making things happen.

If we understand the role that personality plays in motivating our behavior, we will understand each other better. Understanding leads to greater harmony in marriage. We need to remember that as a couple, we're working together as a team. Paul wrote in 1 Corinthians 3 that he and Apollos, another preacher, were not competitors but teammates with different strengths and responsibilities. The important thing was that they were working for the same goal. Similarly, in marriage, we have different strengths and weaknesses, and we often accomplish different tasks. However, we can still work together in unity and understanding for the good of our relationship.

Father, thank you for the ways 1 am different from my spouse. Please help us to understand each other, to have patience with each other, and to celebrate the fact that we can work as a team.

[Samuel asked,] "Why haven't you obeyed the LORD? Why did you rush for the plunder and do what was evil in the LORDS sight?" "But I did obey the LORD," Saul insisted. "I carried out the mission he gave me." i SAMUEL 15:19-20

WHY DO WE GET so defensive? Defensiveness is part of human nature. We see defensiveness even in the Bible. Job, fed up with advice from his so-called friends, angrily stated at one point that he knew just as much as they did. (See Job 13:2.) In the verses above, we see that King Saul, Israel's first king, responded defensively and untruthfully to the prophet Samuel when Samuel confronted him about going against the Lord's instructions.

Consider this example: Eric was chopping onions, and Jennifer was pouring oil in the pan. When Eric left to adjust the radio, Jennifer plopped the onions in the oil. He returned and said, "You know, there's a better way to do that. Jennifer responded, "Why do you always have to be in charge of everything?" "I just thought you would want my advice. You know this meal is my specialty;' Eric said. "Then cook your special meal;' Jennifer snorted as she walked out of the kitchen.

What happened in this kitchen adventure? Eric's statements touched one of Jennifer's emotional hot spots. She already felt that Eric was exerting too much control over her life. Now he was telling her how to cook, and she became defensive.

All of us have emotional hot spots. We don't know where they are until we hit them. When we do, the key is taking time to ask some questions: What can we learn from our defensiveness? What was there about my statement that caused you to get defensive? Once we take this approach, we will come to understand our defensiveness and find ways to deal positively with the problem.

Father, it's easy for me to become defensive when I feel put on the spot or accused. Please help me to understand why I'm reacting that way. Help me to choose a better response.

Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other's faults because of your love. EPHESIANS 4:2

ALL OF us have emotional hot spots. When our spouse says or does certain things, we get defensive. Usually our response is rooted in our history. You may find that often your spouse is echoing statements made by your parents that hurt or embarrassed you. The fact that you get defensive indicates that the hurt has never healed. The next time you get defensive, ask yourself why. Chances are, you will have a flood of memories. Share these past experiences with your spouse, and he or she will develop greater understanding.

What if you are the spouse? Once you learn why your husband or wife gets defensive in a certain area, then you can decide how to move on. You might ask, "How would you like me to talk about this issue in the future? I don't want to hurt you. How could I say it in a way that would not be hurtful to you?" Now you are on the road to defusing the defensive behavior of your spouse. You're also following Scripture by being patient and making allowances for your spouse's struggles, as Paul encourages in Ephesians 4:2. Learning to negotiate the "hot spots" of life is a big part of developing a growing marriage.

Lord Jesus, please help me to uncover why 1 get so defensive about certain things, and give me the wisdom to change my reaction. I know 1 also need to extend special patience and grace to my spouse when he or she becomes defensive. Help us to avoid each other's hot spots rather than triggering them.

Kiss me and kiss me again, for your love is sweeter than wine.

SONG OF SOLOMON 1:2

KEEPING EMOTIONAL LOVE alive in a relationship makes life much more enjoyable. The husband or wife who feels loved is less likely to stray. How do we keep love alive after the "in love" emotions have evaporated? I believe it is by learning to speak each other's love language. In the next few days, I want to focus on the love language of physical touch.

When some husbands hear the words physical touch, they immediately think of sex. But sexual intercourse is only one of the dialects of the love language physical touch. Holding hands, kissing, embracing, giving back rubs, putting an arm around the shoulder, or gently putting your hand on your loved one's leg are all ways of expressing love by physical touch. The Old Testament book Song of Solomon makes it clear that physical touch between a husband and wife can be beautiful, intimacy building, and celebrated. The verse above is just one example of the book's poetry celebrating physical expressions of love.

For some people, both men and women, physical touch is their primary love language. If you don't give them tender touch, they may not feel loved even though you are speaking other love languages. If this describes your spouse, make sure you work on meaningful touch.

Father, thank you for the gift of physical touch. Help me to communicate my love to my spouse by the wayl touch him or her.