The One Year Love Language Minute Devotional (8 page)

A glad heart makes a happy face; a broken heart crushes the spirit.... For the despondent, every day brings trouble; for the happy heart, life is a continual feast. PROVERBS 15:13, 15

HOW DO YOU ENHANCE the seasons of your relationship? Or, how do you get from what I call a winter marriage-one that's negative and full of frustration-to a spring marriage-one that's full of hope and renewal? One strategy is to choose a winning attitude.

Most athletes would agree that winning is 90 percent attitude and 10 percent hard work. If that is true in the world of sports, it is certainly true in the world of relationships. Spring marriages are created and sustained by positive attitudes. Winter marriages are characterized by negative attitudes. What we think largely influences what we do. In turn, our actions greatly influence our emotions. King Solomon acknowledged some of these truths in the verses from Proverbs above. Optimism breeds more joy, but negativity feeds on itself to make us feel even more downcast. When faced with the choice between constant trouble and life being a "continual feast;' who wouldn't choose the latter?

This connection between attitude and actions opens a door of hope for all couples. If we can change our thinking, we can change the atmosphere of our marriage. The most common mistake couples make is allowing negative emotions to dictate their behavior. By failing to recognize the power of a positive attitude, they don't achieve their marriage's highest potential. The good news is that you can choose your attitude.

Heavenly Father, l know my attitude can make all the difference in how 1 view my marriage and even how 1 interact with my spouse. Please renew my attitude with hope and optimism.

And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. PHILIPPIANS 4:8

CHANGING YOUR ATTITUDE can be a catalyst that sets in motion a seasonal change in your marriage. I must confess that I learned this truth the hard way. Earlier in my marriage, I spent a great deal of time in the winter season because of my negative attitudes. And when I was in the midst of winter, I found it hard to admit that my attitude was part of the problem. It was much easier to blame my wife, Karolyn's, behavior. Today I readily admit that my negative thinking was the culprit.

If your relationship is filled with frustration and strain, my guess is that you, too, have the tendency to blame your spouse and are failing to recognize your own negative attitudes. If you want to break free from the coldness and bitterness of a winter relationship, I challenge you to change your attitude. As long as you curse the darkness, it will get darker. But if you look for something good in your marriage, you'll find it.

This famous verse from Philippians 4 reminds us to fix our thoughts on good things-things that are true, right, honorable, pure, lovely, and admirable. This kind of focus can change the way we see everything around us. Focusing on the positive creates a warmer climate. Express appreciation to your spouse for one positive action, and you'll likely see another.

Father, l have so much to be thankful for. There are reasons to hope all around me, if 1 will only look for them. Forgive me for my negativity and the effect it's had on my outlook and my marriage. Help me to see the positive.

Some people make cutting remarks, but the words of the wise bring healing.

PROVERBS 12:18

ONE OF THE MOST POWERFUL things we can do to enhance the seasons of our marriage is to choose a winning attitude. How do we do this?

First, we must admit our negative thinking. As long as you think negatively, you'll never be able to choose a winning attitude. The second step is to identify your spouse's positive characteristics, even if that's difficult for you. You might even get help from your children by asking, "What are some of the good things about Daddy or Mommy?" Third, once you've identified those positive characteristics, thank God for them. Then, fourth, begin to express verbal appreciation to your spouse for the positive things you observe. Set a goal, such as giving one compliment a week for a month. Then move toward two per week, then three, and so on until you're giving a compliment each day.

The book of Proverbs has a lot to say about the importance of words. Proverbs 18:21 says, "The tongue has the power of life and death" (Niv). Proverbs 12:18 talks about words bringing healing. Proverbs 15:4 calls gentle words "a tree of life." You can give your marriage new life when you replace condemnation and criticism with compliments and words of affirmation.

Lord God, thank you for all the wonderful things about my spouse. Please keep those fresh in my mind. Help me to use my words to acknowledge those things. May what! say heal and bring life.

Starting a quarrel is like opening a floodgate, so stop before a dispute breaks Out. PROVERBS 17:14

WHY IS IT SO IMPORTANT to resolve conflicts? Because unresolved conflicts stand as barriers to a couple's unity. Conflicts arise over those issues about which we have differences and where we both feel that our side is right. If we don't find a way to meet in the middle, we become enemies instead of teammates, and life becomes a battlefield. The proverb above reminds us that starting a quarrel or an argument can often lead to places we didn't mean to go. It's always better to try to resolve things before they get heated. Few people like to fight. So if conflicts continue, sooner or later someone gives up and walks away.

How sad that thousands of relationships end because couples never learn to resolve conflicts. The first step is to get out of the "arguing mode" and get into the "understanding mode." Stop trying to win an argument and start trying to understand each other.

Lord, you know the areas of conflict between me and the one I love. We need your grace to resolve these things without continual arguing and battling. Help me to seek first and foremost to understand my spouse.

Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged.

1 CORINTHIANS 13:4-5

WHY DO PEOPLE ARGUE? In one word, rigidity. When we argue, in essence we are saying, "My way is the right way. If you don't do it my way, I'll make your life miserable." The arguer insists on getting his or her own way.