Read The No Cry Discipline Solution Online
Authors: Elizabeth Pantley
Discipline: A Complex Job Made Easier with the Right Outlook
5
Derryn, age 2, and Wade, age 4
to another in his life. Just like any other undertaking, the more
knowledge you have at each step of the way, the more confi dent
you will feel, the easier your job will be, and the better your life-
long relationship will be with your child.
There are many things you can do to enhance your enjoyment
of being a parent. There are many things you can do to avoid
the blockades of anger and tears, things that allow discipline to
unfold in its most effective way. Practiced skills and set guidelines
can help you move from milestone to milestone with relative ease.
These ideas can help you raise your child to be open to learn-
ing and to become a wonderful human being. You can discover
these parenting skills on your own; they can be learned on the job
through trial and error. However, the “error” part can be prolonged
and painful. Or, you can learn effective skills by analyzing and
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The Foundation for No-Cry Discipline
studying the successes (and failures) of the masses of other parents
who have gone before you.
It can help to begin your journey by examining your own feel-
ings about discipline and your feelings about what it means to be
a parent. You can set off on the right road when you expel the
negative beliefs that dampen your spirits and then fi ll that space
with positive, effective parenting skills.
As if it isn’t challenging enough to raise children, most parents
believe myths that complicate the process by making them
feel confused, frustrated, and inadequate. These horrible myths
become dark, nearly suffocating clouds that hover over them,
spoiling the joy of the child-rearing experience.
There is an oft-repeated quote by John Wilmot, Earl of Roches-
ter, who said, “Before I got married, I had six theories about bring-
ing up children. Now I have six children and no theories.” All of
us have theories, ideals, and expectations about parenting before
we raise our own children. But once we become parents, we learn
through experience that many of these turn out to be completely
wrong. Sometimes these beliefs are naïve or misguided; sometimes
they’re total fabrications.
Here is a quiz to help you determine which common and dis-
tressing myths you believe. You may have never realized how
intensely these beliefs affect you, but they do. After you identify
the myths that color your daily life, I’ll share the truth about each
one. By acknowledging that these myths exist in your life, you take
the fi rst step toward eliminating them. Learning the truth will
erase your doubts and leave you open to learning effective new
ways of raising your children.
Indicate with an honest Yes or No if you believe (or have ever
believed) the following statements:
YES NO Parenting
Belief
____ ____
If a parent is truly attached, committed, and
connected to a child, then that child will naturally
behave properly; discipline won’t be necessary.
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8
The Foundation for No-Cry Discipline
____ ____
If you love your child and if your intentions are
good, parenting will come naturally to you.
____ ____
Good parents don’t lose their patience and shout at
their children.
____ ____
If parents are a perfectly matched couple and have
a strong relationship, they will agree about how to
raise their children.
____ ____
Parents are totally responsible for their child’s
behavior and actions. Outstanding parenting means
that children will turn out well.
____ ____
If you read parenting books, take classes, and
learn effective skills and tools, you will always be
in control. Once you learn all the correct parenting
approaches, your life as a parent will be trouble-
free.
Now that you’ve taken a minute to assess your parenting
beliefs, let’s take the time to dispel those myths so that you can
reduce any anxiety and guilt you may be having over imaginary
problems. In addition, you may be able to prevent future problems
when you sift through the falsehoods and truths of parenthood.
According to Candace B. Pert, Ph.D., in her book
Everything You
Need to Know to Feel Go(o)d
(Hay House, 2006), “We all use imag-
ery every day when we engage in the two most common forms of
worry: either regretting the past or fearing the future . . . [but] we
can use that same ability in a more positive way.” She goes on to
say, “The more you bring your attention, or conscious awareness,
to something you intend to manifest, the more likely that inten-
tion will become real in the world.” So, let’s now look at each
myth and the genuine truth and move forward to more unclut-
tered, positive parenting.
Myth: If a parent is truly attached, committed, and connected to
a child, then that child will naturally behave properly; discipline
won’t be necessary.
Banish the Myths
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Father-Speak
“ We always thought that good parenting would mean that
our child would not fuss and have tantrums. Boy, were we
wrong. It was almost harder to deal with the fact that despite
our devoted parenting style our child was having tantrums
than it was to deal with the actual tantrums.”
—Adam, father to Zahava, age 4
Truth: You could be totally committed to your child from the
moment of birth. You could read all the best parenting books. You
could take parenting classes. You could do absolutely
everything
right. In fact, you could be a truly magnifi cent, spectacular, utterly
faultless saint, and your child would
still
misbehave. The truth is
all
children misbehave.
All
children make mistakes.
All
children will whine, fuss, and have temper tantrums. This is true because
all children are human beings—
young, inexperienced, naïve human
beings
. And to be human is to be fallible—to make mistakes, to
make poor decisions, and, hopefully, to learn from these.
When a child fails to behave, it is not a refl ection of a parent’s
lack of commitment or skill. It is not an indication that the child
is lacking in any way. It is simply a facet of our humanness.
It is our duty and privilege to love our children and to guide
and direct them, to be committed to them, and to be devoted
to parenting them in the best way we can. And it is our duty to
understand that our children
are
perfect—a realistic, human per-
fection that allows for mistakes and misbehavior along the way to
growth and development. These mistakes are necessary to ensure
that learning and growth take place, and that is the beauty of
parenting. Our children do not have to be fl awless to receive our
unconditional love and support.