The No Cry Discipline Solution (10 page)

Try the gentle methods fi rst—kind requests, polite appeals, and, as

Coleton recommends, a hug.

Know That It’s Not That Important

What’s not that important? Well . . .
nearly everything
. The majority of the annoyances we suffer with our children are due to minor

Building a Strong Foundation

33

Ethan, age 3½

issues—whining about bedtime, fussing about sharing a toy, refus-

ing to eat a green bean. For the fi rst six or more years of a child’s

life I can’t really think of a single thing that child could do that

would truly warrant a parent’s anger. Yes, of course we get angry

at our children, we are human. But what I’m trying to say is that

a young child is incapable of doing anything that would signifi -

cantly affect us—the things that they do to push our buttons are

inconsequential to the grand picture of life. If we could somehow

get through our days with this concept in mind, we parents would

be happier and calmer.

Keep your priorities clear. Life will be more peaceful when you

can convince yourself that a green bean is only a green bean—not

34

The Foundation for No-Cry Discipline

an attack on your values, your parenting skills, or your domestic

talents.

Give the Small Stuff Small Attention and

the Big Stuff Big Attention

I remember a professor in college telling the class on the very fi rst

day, “If you put the same amount of attention into sharpening your

pencil as into writing your thesis, you will only succeed in making

yourself a nervous wreck.” As a parent, you must deal with a mil-

lion details every single day of life. If you make everything equal

on the scale of importance—from putting toys in the toy box to

choosing the right preschool, you will very likely make yourself a

nervous wreck.

If you can truly manage to give the small things small atten-

tion and the big things big attention, you will not only be hap-

pier and calmer—your
children
will likely be happier, calmer, and better behaved. Why? Children (and all human beings) have a

limited amount of capacity. If your child is attempting to mas-

ter and respond to an endless amount of parental expectations,

then most certainly some will fall through the cracks. If you give

the same amount of energy to all things, then you cannot con-

trol which things work—and which fail. So, in response to your

intense expectations on all fronts, your child might master putting

his toys in the toy box when he’s done playing but push his baby

sister over and step on the dog on his way to get there.

As you move through your days with your child, know that

everything cannot be perfect, and your child will not obey all the

rules. So make choices, let the little stuff go for later (or for good),

and choose your “big stuff” wisely.

Building a Strong Foundation

35

Rest Assured That Your Kids Love You,

Even When They Hate You (Because They

Really Don’t)

Raising children requires that you act like a grown-up—that you

must tell them
no
when they want to hear
yes
or tell them
stop
when they want to hear
go
. Many such decisions are for your child’s safety, many are for her own good, and some are for your own good.

I have yet to meet a child capable of understanding adult decisions

and responding to being told no or stop with a cheerful, “Good for

you, Mommy! Excellent parenting decision.”

Remember that children are egocentric—they are concerned

primarily with their own needs and wants. Saying no gets in the

way of them doing what they want to do. So, they get upset. Their

response may be anger, tantrums, or tears, and you may get the

feeling that they hate you. But they aren’t even thinking about

you
—they are thinking about the thing they want to do but can’t.

You just happen to be the bearer of bad news.

Know that your child’s unhappiness about your decisions and

his tears or anger when he is disciplined are normal and natural

and not truly directed at you. While your child may not thank

Key Point

\Your most important goal as a parent is not to make your

child happy every minute of every day—that would be easy:

providing an endless supply of candy and ice cream and say-

ing yes to every request. Your actual goal is much harder:

raise a fi rst-rate human being.

36

The Foundation for No-Cry Discipline

you for your good decisions now (or ever), those decisions are an

important part of everyday life and the development of your child

as a good human being.

Relax, Because When You’re Prepared for the

Worst, It Almost Never Happens

Part of the parenting job description is to worry. With our babies we

worry about little things such as diaper rash as well as much bigger

things such as sudden infant death syndrome. With our toddlers

we worry about everything from bruised knees to delays in devel-

opmental milestones. As our children grow, so do our worries.

Worry itself is useless. Studies even tell us that most of the things we worry about never happen. It is better to be prepared

and knowledgeable and then, to state it very simply,
don’t think

about it so much
. Banish needless worry—it’s a waste of a good

imagination.

When the Worst Does Happen, You’ll Get

Through It and You’ll Move On

Bad things do happen. Some things we have no control over, and

some are a result of decisions made. But either way, when bad

things happen, we cannot manipulate time and make them not

happen. What we can do, however, is adjust how we think and

what we do and move past even the most diffi cult situations. In

all but the most extreme cases, we, as human beings, are resilient

and adaptable.

When diffi cult situations arise take time to analyze them. Talk

to others. Read books. Make a plan for how you will handle things.

And then proceed to carry out your plan.

Building a Strong Foundation

37

Live in the Moment

A parent’s job is complicated and time-consuming. Add on the

countless other tasks that fi ll up our days, and it is a never-ending

process of juggling too many balls. One of the biggest problems

comes from not only handling the balls in your hands, but looking

at and thinking about all the other balls that are still up in the

air. As you’re busy looking at them, the ones in your hands suffer

because they never get your full attention.

Let’s take a practical example. Think of the times you sit on the

fl oor playing with your child. Not being in the moment is when

you are watching the clock, worrying about other things you must

do, or feeling bored with children’s games. Being in the moment is

choosing to truly connect and enjoy your child—even if it’s only

for ten minutes—watching her mouth form words as she speaks,

watching her hands as she expresses her ideas, enjoying the enthu-

siasm of her imagination, listening to her ideas, absorbing what she

believes, and cherishing the little person that she is.

The added beauty of being in the moment is that your child

will feel the difference. Having a distracted Mommy or Daddy

sitting beside her on the fl oor as she plays feels very different than

having the same parent engaged and absorbing the beauty of the

moment. And it is the combination of many such moments that

builds a relationship.

The more that you can embrace living in the moment as a part

of who you are, the more fulfi lling your everyday life will be.

Discipline and

Emotional Control

Take a moment to think about how you respond to emotionally

challenging situations in your own life.

• When you and your spouse have a disagreement, do you

always respond with a calm, purposeful explanation of your

position?

• When your mother-in-law gives you unwanted advice, do you

cheerfully thank her for her kind wisdom (and then call your

best friend to rave about her thoughtfulness)?

• When your child spills chocolate milk on the living room

rug, do you joyfully whistle while you apply rug cleaner?

• When you delete the wrong computer fi le or burn dinner or

when the dog has an accident on the carpet, do you smile

and cheerfully announce, “No problem! That’s life!”?

While I am sure there are times your response to emotional situa-

tions such as these is calm and pleasant, I suspect that far too fre-

quently your reaction is annoyance, anger, impatience, and maybe

even an adult-sized temper tantrum. The human experience involves

facing numerous challenges, yet we don’t always have the patience,

understanding, or restraint to respond in the best possible way.

So, here’s the million dollar question:
If we capable, mature

adults cannot control our emotions completely, is it even remotely possible that our children would be capable of such a feat?

Is it possible that this lack of emotional control is at the root

of young children’s negative behaviors? Is it possible that misbe-

havior is the symptom, but the real problem is immaturity? Look

38

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Discipline and Emotional Control

39

at the following list of the most common childish misbehaviors

and check whether you think these could be caused by a lack of

emotional control—an inability to handle strong emotions such

as frustration, anger, and powerlessness.

Behavior

Could be caused by a lack of emotional control? YES NO

Backtalk

_____ _____

Biting a playmate

_____ _____

Clinging

_____ _____

Crying

_____ _____

Hitting a parent

_____ _____

Impatience

_____ _____

Interrupting

_____ _____

Kicking a sibling

_____ _____

Screaming and yelling

_____ _____

Separation anxiety

_____ _____

Squabbles over sharing

_____ _____

Stubbornness

_____ _____

Teasing

_____ _____

Temper tantrums

_____ _____

Whining and fussing

_____ _____

Are you a bit surprised that ALL of the most common childish

misbehaviors are likely caused by a child’s undeveloped emotional

control? Yes,
all
of them! Every single one! Is it possible that any child on the face of this earth could be born with mature understanding and emotional control? No, of course it is not. Even the

smartest, sweetest, most peaceful child could not possibly be born

with the wisdom and ability to totally control his or her emotions.

(And let’s not forget that adults don’t even possess this gift.)

So what does this mean for you and your view of your child’s

actions? You now have the key to understanding your child’s mis-