Read The No Cry Discipline Solution Online
Authors: Elizabeth Pantley
10
The Foundation for No-Cry Discipline
Myth: If you love your child and if your intentions are good, par-
enting will come naturally to you.
Truth: Loving your child is easy. Raising your child is hard. Effec-
tive parenting skills are
learned
. Raising children is complicated, intense, and ever changing. In order to be a calm, effective parent you need knowledge and skills, and it’s a very rare person who
innately possesses these skills.
This concept is made even more complicated because there
are no distinct black-and-white answers when it comes to raising
children, and contradictory advice abounds. So parents must sort
through everything they know, everything they hear, and every-
thing they learn to come up with the right parenting approach for
each of their children.
Mother-Speak
“ This is one of those myths that I believed totally, so I lost
complete faith in myself when faced with my fi rst son’s mis-
behavior. I looked for answers from everyone and anyone,
and then I was left confused when I obtained totally confl ict-
ing advice. It has taken me two more children to fi nally fi gure
out that all children have their unpleasant moments. Now, I
believe in myself, read about things I have doubts on, and
follow only the advice that makes sense to me.”
—Janie, mother to Grayson, age 4; Emerson, age 3;
and Anna, age 2
Myth: Good parents don’t lose their patience and shout at their
children.
Truth: Even the most peaceful, easygoing parent loses patience and
yells from time to time—we are all human. No matter how much
Banish the Myths
11
we love our children, they will try our patience, they will make
mistakes, and they will bring us to anger.
All children have their “naughty” moments. And, guess what?
When children are “naughty,” parents lose their patience and—
gasp!—they YELL.
I am an experienced mom of four. I make my living writing
books and giving lectures about how to raise children. I love my
children with my whole heart and soul, and I try my best to be a
good mother. Yet . . . my children misbehave. My six-year-old son
misbehaves, and my three teenagers
still
misbehave. And, more
often than I’d like, when my children misbehave . . . I lose my
patience and I yell. Just like you. Just like every single parent in
the entire world.
So what do you say we kill this oppressive myth? We should
stand up and shout, “Human beings make mistakes! Parents and
children are human beings! Kids sometimes misbehave! Parents
sometimes yell! That is NORMAL!”
Myth: If parents are a perfectly matched couple and have a strong
relationship, they will agree about how to raise their children.
Truth: It’s very common for two parents, even those who are per-
fectly matched and in a happy relationship, to disagree about
child-rearing approaches. Some may disagree about baby care
issues, yet others will be perfectly in sync during the baby years
and then fi nd they are at odds when their child becomes old
enough for school or enters the teen years.
The way that we approach child-rearing is infl uenced by our
past experiences—both the things we choose to do and the things
we try to avoid. It is nearly impossible for two people to be in per-
fect agreement on every parenting decision. But, good communi-
cation and ongoing discussion can help any couple fi nd agreement
on important issues as they raise their children.
12
The Foundation for No-Cry Discipline
Mother-Speak
“ I have noticed many times that when my husband starts to
discipline our son, I jump in and try to make what he has
done seem not as bad. For some reason I get this maternal
urge to save him. Save him from what? I think about it later
and realize that he was misbehaving and his daddy was cor-
recting him, so no saving was necessary! Even though we
are using the same technique, we use different verbal and
nonverbal approaches. That maternal instinct is always right
there, but I have to continue to make an effort to let it go
because my way is not the only way. I can see that Garrett
is responding very well to the consistency of both of us in
our separate ways.”
—Brandy, mother to Garrett, age 2
Even when we agree on basic fundamental parenting theory,
we might slightly disagree on approach. And, even if we agree
on approach, our differing personalities guarantee that we won’t
always handle things in exactly the same way.
Myth: Parents are totally responsible for their child’s behavior and
actions. Outstanding parenting means that children will turn out
well.
Truth: Just as adults’ personalities are different, so are children’s.
Even when two children are raised in exactly the same way, in the