The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 (31 page)
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Authors: Athol Kay
BOOK: The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011
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Usually a wife will seek to compensate and start working out and looking better. She can dress better and she can provide a more intense and fun sexual experience for you as well. All these things will increase her Sex Rank.
With your higher Sex Rank you will start to find all the Alpha approaches toward her will be far more effective than in Phase Two. You will start finding just making a simple statement that you want sex, becoming effective in gaining her compliance. She might even start initiating sex. Outside the bedroom too you will find her more easy going with you and more likely to follow your direction. Being in an endless Phase Three where your wife gives you all the sex you want is ultimately the goal of running The MAP.
Of course she still may not respond to you even though you have a higher Sex Rank. You’ll know this by her continuing to refuse sex and the increased intensity in her fitness testing of you. You just stay the course and continue running The MAP on her. At this point I very much suggest you do not do anything further than flirt with other women.
If she is not responding, Phase Three can last as long as you want, though I suggest you let it run for about two or three months before moving into Phase Four. If you go too quickly into Phase Four, you may not have given her enough time to mentally process the difference and adjust to things. If you wait too long, you’re sending the message that you really are very reluctant to force the issue and lose her, which she will interpret as you being weak and assume it’s because she has a higher Sex Rank than you.
If you think that you are in Phase Three and you are still having a badly inadequate sex life, if you don’t push to Phase Four within a few months… you are actually still locked in Phase One. Which means all your work has been for nothing and she is still in charge of your lack of sex.
(16.6) Phase Four – Stating Your Intentions Clearly
This is a very short phase and shouldn’t last any longer than a week at the very most. Phase Four is where you make it clear that the situation is intolerable and that
her choices of behavior are forcing you into an unwanted position
, where you have to start seriously considering the possibility of having to leave the relationship.
her choices of behavior are forcing you into an unwanted position
, where you have to start seriously considering the possibility of having to leave the relationship.
Phase Four is a direct statement of your needs that are not being met in the relationship and framing it as a problem that you can’t work any further on. After all, by this point you’ve made serious gains in your Sex Rank and that has taken a great deal of effort. The lack of sex and companionship in the relationship is now something that only she can give a solution for. The threat of you leaving is implied rather than directly threatened as something that could happen immediately. You are literally saying,
“Staying in this relationship as it is now is clearly an unreasonable expectation you have of me.”
“Staying in this relationship as it is now is clearly an unreasonable expectation you have of me.”
You want her to fully understand the problem that you are experiencing in being with her. Possibly something to review with her is the matrix of how sexless marriages play out as covered in Chapter Eight. Explain that she has defrauded you of a reasonable expectation of marriage and that she has forced this issue on you. Explain that you have not had sex with anyone else and that there is not a secondary relationship in the background and that your hope and intent is to return to a sexual marriage with her, but she has to actively choose that option herself; you can’t force that choice, she has to want it.
Otherwise she forces you toward choosing one of the only remaining options for resolution, either you seeking extramarital sex or leaving to find someone new. Neither of which you find ideal.
Also be clear that you aren’t going to be impressed by merely her
talking
about restarting a sexual relationship, she does have to start showing signs of action towards that goal. You shouldn’t have an expectation of an immediate sexual frenzy, but you should have an expectation that she would regard this as the low point and start turning things around. Consistent positive progress is the key; she can’t just cry, have sex with you once, promise she’ll change and then resume as before as if nothing changed.
talking
about restarting a sexual relationship, she does have to start showing signs of action towards that goal. You shouldn’t have an expectation of an immediate sexual frenzy, but you should have an expectation that she would regard this as the low point and start turning things around. Consistent positive progress is the key; she can’t just cry, have sex with you once, promise she’ll change and then resume as before as if nothing changed.
Anything more than a week of no results and you move into Phase Five.
(16.7) Phase Five – Give Up On Her
Phase Five means that you did not get a clear response from her that she would improve and that you are putting plans in place to move on without her. At this point you’ve essentially given up on asking her for sex, knowing that you already have a clear “no” answer.
Your moves now can either be open or in secret, though being open probably has the best chance of success at turning your wife around. You just pursue other avenues for your own enjoyment as if your wife was a non-factor. You do things like openly enjoying porn, strip clubs, surfing dating websites, building friendships with other women and just going out and having fun without her. Staying low key and private is also perfectly acceptable too.
Another possibility is that you can run up the skull and crossbones flag and set your Facebook relationship status to
“It’s complicated.”
This is Facebook code for
“My relationship sucks, I don’t know why I’m in it.”
One would expect that to send a minor shockwave through your social network, which could play to your advantage as friends and family may seek to positively influence your wife towards fixing the problem.
“It’s complicated.”
This is Facebook code for
“My relationship sucks, I don’t know why I’m in it.”
One would expect that to send a minor shockwave through your social network, which could play to your advantage as friends and family may seek to positively influence your wife towards fixing the problem.
Also during Phase Five you start getting all your ducks in a row for your ultimate exit from the relationship. Organize the money to your best advantage, including opening a personal account and seek legal advice for how things will play out. Make copies of all important records and keep them in a safe place. Remove any items of special personal interest that you worry may be ruined or lost and keep them in a safe location. Now is also not the time to have firearms in the house either. A spare set of car keys may be amazingly helpful should she hurl them somewhere in a fit of rage. At this point you’re trying to salvage what you can from the wreckage of being married to someone who doesn’t love you.
Phase Five lasts as long as you want, but has a natural stopping point by moving to Phase Six.
(16.8) Phase Six – The Ultimatum
Phase Six is a simple choice for your wife to choose between Option A or Option B.
Option A contains whatever demands you have that she must meet in order for you to stay in the marriage. These demands can be marriage counseling, sex together, her starting medication for depression, her finding work or whatever the issues are that fuel the critical problems in the marriage. These need to be clear obvious actions rather than vague conditions, i.e.
“sex twice a week”
rather than
“have sex together”, “Attend marriage counseling together on Tuesdays at 6pm for the next eight weeks,
” at a specific counselor, rather than
“get marriage counseling.”
“sex twice a week”
rather than
“have sex together”, “Attend marriage counseling together on Tuesdays at 6pm for the next eight weeks,
” at a specific counselor, rather than
“get marriage counseling.”
The Option A demands should not be silly or trivial. Just focus on the critical issues that are driving you out of the marriage. If there is anything that you can set up or book in advance for your Option A demands, you should do so. Write out your demands for her in a clear concise letter that is no more than a single page…the more you talk, the less powerful it becomes.
Option B is the divorce/separation paperwork. This should be the actual paperwork and prefilled by you as much as you can. For some women this is where the light finally comes on that you really are serious about all this. There’s something about reading it all in black and white that cuts through denial and magical thinking.
If she wants time to think then you give it to her, but you should also separate yourself from her as much as possible too. If there is a way you can be out of the house for a few days and have no contact with her, then that would be ideal. This is meant to be a little taste of the reality of divorce and life without you. Note that you shouldn’t “move out” as once that happens you tend to set a precedent that she is in possession of the house and that you are not; this could come back to haunt you later on in the proceedings.
The difference between Phase Four and Phase Six is that in Phase Four you simply stated your needs that she needed to meet to continue the relationship; you appealed to her ability to change her own behavior. In Phase Six, you ignore that completely and force the issue, making her immediate compliance a direct requirement for you staying with her.
Another tactic that may work is to contact her family and closest friends and tell them what is going on and request their assistance in trying to influence her towards choosing Option A. This is probably best done as a short letter, or email, where you explain what has happened up to this point and explain that she has a choice to make. Say that you want to save the marriage but also say that you aren’t willing to tolerate what is currently happening either. Most people close to her will still be sympathetic to your case if you have been denied sex constantly and yet not cheated on her. For your in-laws, you should also thank them for anything that they have done for you over the years and express sadness that if divorce happens, the relationship with them will change as well.
By you exposing the real reason for leaving her and your willingness to make it work with reasonable demands, it severely hampers her ability to spin you as the bad guy in the relationship. You were the good guy that got screwed over, yet you honorably and gracefully withdrew from the relationship. You took your vows seriously and respected not just your own marriage, but marriage as a concept. You do this because of what you want to achieve in Phase Seven.
(16.9) Phase Seven – Your New Life… and Maybe New Wife
The divorce itself can take as long as the lawyers drag it out in court, but Phase Seven starts as soon as she opts for Option B. To be sure, you’re going to be very sad that your marriage ended, but there’s now a world of better opportunities for you out there. Having made a clean and clear break from your marriage, you are better placed to find a new love and start something new, or maybe just play the field for a bit. It’s up to you.
I do want to warn you that divorcing your wife, for another woman
in particular,
doesn’t usually work very well. If you’ve actually been having an affair all the way through Phases Three through Six and moving to Phase Seven means you’re directly moving in with your girlfriend, you have to know that the statistics are pretty awful for these relationships surviving. Only roughly 3% of all affairs turn into marriages for the affair partners and even then the marriages have much higher failure rates. It’s hard to trust each other when you both know that you’re willing to cheat.
in particular,
doesn’t usually work very well. If you’ve actually been having an affair all the way through Phases Three through Six and moving to Phase Seven means you’re directly moving in with your girlfriend, you have to know that the statistics are pretty awful for these relationships surviving. Only roughly 3% of all affairs turn into marriages for the affair partners and even then the marriages have much higher failure rates. It’s hard to trust each other when you both know that you’re willing to cheat.
I am not naïve enough to think that people don’t use an affair partner as leverage to escape a marriage, but the very real likelihood is that your affair partner is going to be a “transitional person” rather than a success story. Women who have affairs with married men tend to not be terribly stable, because being involved with a married man requires poor judgment on her part. It’s quite possible that you end up with both an ex-wife and a crazy ex-girlfriend as well. Matters may be quite worse for having an affair. Plus by making an honorable break from your marriage and not being involved with someone, you’re much better set up emotionally to forge a new relationship.
So in one sense The MAP may very well fail and your marriage end. If this happens I am sorry for your loss, but you know that by this point you tried everything possible to have the marriage that you expected to have on your wedding day. On the other hand, you exit your marriage physically fit, confident, attractive to women and with your conscience clear. So in that sense The MAP has done all that it promised it could do. In the end, you cannot choose your wife’s behavior; you can only influence it with your own.
Part Three
The Sexy Moves
Chapter 17
Kissing
(17.1) Kissing Makes Her Horny
Kissing is a vital relationship skill. It’s sensual, it’s comforting, it’s caring, it’s love and the gateway to lust. Male saliva also contains testosterone that her body absorbs and it makes her horny. So do take the time to kiss her, if only for your own self-interest.
(17.2) The Ten Second Kiss
The Ten Second Kiss is a foundational move.
It’s easy to get in the friendly roommate rut and stop being passionate lovers. The friendly roommate road just leads to bad sex at best, but more likely affairs and divorce. The Ten Second Kiss brings back that feeling of romance and passion. Ten seconds is actually quite a long time to kiss someone, especially if your intimacy has been cut down to 0.1 second pecks in passing. Peck, peck, peck. It’s like you’re eight years old and trying to evade the ugly aunt who tastes like cigarettes,
“Come kiss your auntie! MUAH!”
“Come kiss your auntie! MUAH!”
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