The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 (14 page)
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Authors: Athol Kay
BOOK: The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011
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If you’re the husband, you would obviously feel terribly cheated in an arrangement like this. It’s very easy to frame everything as being her fault and believe she is the one who must change for the marriage to be happy or even to continue. While that sounds quite logical, the trouble is that it gives all the power to change and improve the situation to her, and she may have no interest in changing the relationship where you cater to her endlessly. That’s what “low sexual interest” means. And let’s face it… many men have tried asking for more or better sex until they are blue in the face and jumped through all her hoops, and they have still not seen the changes they hope for. So let’s just be done with that strategy.
(6.9) You Be the Change
My approach is that husbands need to find out how to become sexier in the eyes of their wives, and that being sexier will trigger greater sexual interest in them. So rather than trying to ask her to change, you need to change for the better and she will either respond or she won’t. If she responds to you the way you want, then that’s a big win. If she won’t respond then you are in a better place to find another partner who will treat you with the interest you want. There’s a real shortage of worthwhile men willing to commit to a marriage compared to women who want to be married. Compared to a divorced woman finding a new partner of value, divorced men finding new partners is not terribly hard. You probably hold better cards in your hand than she does.
Of course, the best outcome is that the wife does respond and the couple resumes their sex life. I won’t lie and say that this plan is a 100% lock on that outcome, but if you turn yourself from a 6 to an 8, there’s a great chance that your 7 wife will start drooling over you, love every minute of you inside her and be happier in your marriage.
Most wives crave their husbands becoming more attractive and appealing, but cannot get themselves unstuck to communicate that effectively. One of the most common ways men find my blog is through their wife suggesting they read it…or maybe leaving it opened on the computer for him to find it. Women always want a better partner and you know they just love to think they are changing us for the better.
(6.10) No Quick Fix
As I’ve said before, if you’re a decent Beta, the solution is to add Alpha traits, not reduce Beta Traits and add Alpha. It’s not a zero-sum game where you can be either Alpha or Beta, but not both. You can and must be both. The Alpha traits “turn her on”, but lacking the Beta traits eventually “turns her off.”
It’s actually quite a long journey to really change yourself in this way. There’s a lot of “two steps forward one step back” that happens. Much of Alpha-ness stems from physicality, and that can take 1-2 years of exercise to really pay off fully if you have let yourself go, so it’s a process. If you’re changing little by little, then you’re changing the status quo and destabilizing the relationship little by little. To restablize the relationship, she will have to change little by little as well. Everybody has a natural resistance to change– even if it’s a positive change and one you’ll both ultimately enjoy. Just be “comfortable with your discomfort” and keep plowing ahead.
As an example, I’ve been on a number of health kicks over the years. In terms of physical exercise for Jennifer and me, usually I start seriously exercising first, and start feeling better and sexier. Usually about three weeks later, she starts exercising more too. Up until then she "resists" exercise. I don’t even ask Jennifer to work out - I just start exercising and wait three weeks. And if I stop, she stops.
Coming back to the idea of Sex Rank, assume you both married as 7s, and along the way you dropped to a 6. Now that you’ve learned some Alpha stuff and have progressed, maybe you’re moving past 7 and heading towards being an 8. If you’re heading towards 8 and she is still a 7, that’s actually a little scary for her. It’s one thing to be the more desirable member of a couple, but it’s another to feel like you need to step it up a bit. There’s a natural temptation to want to drag the improving spouse back down to your level, though that can just as easily turn into trying harder on her part and getting her to an 8 as well. (Which is exactly why my wife starts exercising after I start.)
(6.11) Correct Your Weak Area First
For me the Beta traits come easily and I’ve had to struggle to learn the Alpha ones a lot later in my life. People often assume that I’m a natural Alpha, but what I’m writing about now has taken the better part of the last six years of my sixteen year marriage to develop. I’ve struggled with the political correctness issue of male dominance for over a decade and have only come out of the closet and publicly said I’m willing to be dominant towards my wife in the last two years. Jennifer was willing to accept it all along; the problem was me thinking it was morally offensive.
Ideally you have a strong hand of Alpha and Beta cards and then play them depending on the situation. I can cook dinner, throw a slumber party for tweens, change a diaper, feed and burp a baby, match an outfit for a middle school girl and do laundry like a dream. But I can also shut the slumber party off at midnight with a deep rumble, cut allowances out until compliance with chores is appropriate, order Jennifer to stop working and rest and have on many occasions initiated sex simply by making eye contact and pointed in the direction of the bedroom. It’s all about having options and being able to give her a shot of dopamine or a shot of oxytocin. Politically incorrect or not, Jennifer likes this treatment from me, so it works for us.
In terms of physical fitness, if you weigh 240 pounds and you really should be 180 pounds, that road to losing 60 pounds is not going to be overnight or effortless. If you can’t hold a job, turning that around can take one or two years before you find one, settle your crap down and get to a first promotion or better hours. If you dress like a slob, that extra $1,000 to $2,000 to transform a wardrobe can take a while to earn and spend. If you’re terrible at keeping a house together, you may have a year’s worth of DIY projects ahead of you.
As a rough guide, give yourself a year per point of Sex Rank. So going from 6 to a 7 is about a year; then 7 into 8 is a second year. It’s a gradual but serious effort. There is no one killer move that makes her vagina explode with fluids at your approach. It’s about you becoming a better man. Good sex is just the consequence of being sexy.
(6.12) Whoever has the Higher Sex Rank is in Charge of the Relationship.
The effect of the higher Sex Rank half of the couple being in control of the relationship is actually best seen by women who suddenly lose a great deal of weight. In the cases where fairly unattractive couples are together, they can have a fairly even relationship, but if the woman suddenly loses a great deal of weight and begins dressing better and showing off her body, the relationship is usually doomed.
If two 4s are married and then the wife loses sixty or seventy pounds and starts paying attention to clothing and makeup, it’s possible she could morph into a 7 or an 8. Her 4 husband is toast. If he doesn’t do everything she demands, she could simply leave the relationship for a better man. She probably already has multiple men interested in her who are more attractive than her husband. The further apart the Sex Rank numbers are, the stronger the destabilizing effect is.
Your plan is to up your Sex Rank by improving your body and your Alpha and Beta skill sets in order to purposely destabilize your relationship with your wife by trumping her Sex Rank. That does sound like a cruel threat, but remember that a woman can easily add an extra point or two to her Sex Rank simply by increasing her sexual frequency and being more exciting in bed – which is your goal.
Having a high sexual interest and drive is sexy in and of itself. The same wife that's a 6 when she puts out twice a month is a 7 at twice a week, and an 8 at "whenever and however you want me.” Bonus points for mixing it up with games, toys and being a little kinky in the sack.
Having a high sexual interest and drive is sexy in and of itself. The same wife that's a 6 when she puts out twice a month is a 7 at twice a week, and an 8 at "whenever and however you want me.” Bonus points for mixing it up with games, toys and being a little kinky in the sack.
Of course if her Sex Rank trumps yours, you’ve got nothing to use as leverage to change things. You’re giving away your power in the relationship and you can find your entire relationship reframed for her benefit as a result. Of course if your Sex Rank goes up, and hers stays the same but she doesn't turn into Miss Sugarpussy on you... well you're going to be getting better interest from other women.
Over the long term, a man who basically applies himself to any sort of career and personal development while maintaining physical fitness, becomes sexier than his similarly aged wife does. An average twenty-year-old-man is over shadowed by the raw appeal of a twenty-year-old-woman. At thirty it's more balanced. A forty-year-old-man generally has far more appeal than a forty-year-old woman. All things being equal a single forty-year-old-man can date and remarry with ease, but a forty-year-old-woman will have a much harder time of it.
(6.13) There Are Limits
Adding more than a couple of points to your innate Sex Rank is extremely hard - if you're a natural 6 getting to 7 is some effort, getting to 8 is quite hard, 9 is just out of reach without someone else footing the bill or being on a reality TV show to make you hot. Going from 6 to a 10 isn't even in the cards at all. I’m just telling it how it is…The MAP is all about the possible.
(6.14) Attractive to all Women, Means...
A risk of doing The MAP is that you will pull the interest of a woman more attractive than your wife, or multiple women of equal or lesser value. Okay so maybe that’s the lamest “risk” statement ever, but bear with me. You may not even be actively looking for these women, but they will eventually show up and make it known that they are available to you. Now if you weren’t banging supermodels before you read this book, you probably aren’t going to be banging supermodels after you read it, but you certainly can find attractive women who could see themselves having sex with you starting to express interest in you.
Say you were a 6 and you had an old female friend that was a 7 that you struck out on and got the “Let’s just be friends” (LJBF) speech. You’ve stayed in friendly contact for many years via Facebook or whatever. Now that you’re an 8, Ms. LJBF has started looking at you a little differently. One day she calls you out of the blue and suggests getting together to “catch up”, when you’ve always been the one to call her. The light will go on in your head that she just expressed interest in you. In fact she just asked you to meet privately with her… so maybe now you can have her. It’s easy to say that you would never cheat on your wife, but it’s another thing to have someone you’ve hungered for press themselves against you as you finish “catching up.” A lifetime of wanting can turn into quite a kiss.
Even if your wife responds to your improvement and increases her own Sex Rank to keep pace with yours, other women will still respond to you with a far greater interest anyway. That may be a whole new experience to get used to and decide about. My general advice is to be very cautious about exploring that behind your wife’s back, as years of marital progress can be undone in a few careless kisses and text messages, let alone progressing to a hotel room.
Like I just said, it’s easy to denounce cheating in abstract before the event. When someone unexpected hits on you, try not to be taken by surprise. Know that as you do The MAP faithfully and make yourself a better and sexier man, you will become more attractive to women in general. Tests will come to you whether you want them or not.
(6.15) Your Wife May Want You to Change
While your wife may not have any interest in changing herself to be more sexual, she is very likely highly interested in seeing you change. Women want to be sexually responsive to men, so she may in fact be purposely waiting on you to make positive changes before she changes herself. She may in fact be quite agitated that you haven’t “manned up” for her. As a point of frustration to you both,
she can’t tell you that
because you’re “just meant to know” and by asking you to be dominant towards her it ruins her fantasy of you taking charge of things. If she asks you to be dominant towards her and you start acting dominantly, you’re doing what she asked you to do… so in reality she’s the dominant one, which she doesn’t want to be. So therefore she can’t tell you.
she can’t tell you that
because you’re “just meant to know” and by asking you to be dominant towards her it ruins her fantasy of you taking charge of things. If she asks you to be dominant towards her and you start acting dominantly, you’re doing what she asked you to do… so in reality she’s the dominant one, which she doesn’t want to be. So therefore she can’t tell you.
Your own wife is probably one of the easiest women you know to get a positive response from by running The MAP. After all, she was into you enough to marry you, so there has to be some sort of baseline interest, and that should peak if you are the best version of you possible. She’s also heavily invested in your relationship and it’s the path of least resistance to see you blossom into a sexier man. Her other option if she wants a sexier husband is to attempt the very risky strategy of divorcing you and trying to find a new husband that is better than you.
If your wife is a 7, and you can turn yourself from a 6 to an 8, all she has to do is wait for you to hit 8 and then look nicer and have lots of sex with you. That doesn’t actually sound like all that bad of an option for her. But if she divorces you, she takes a hit to her Sex Rank as a “used goods and prior relationship baggage” penalty and it’s going to be a very long shot for her to find a male 8 who would want her – even finding a 7 might be difficult. In fact she may be faced with the horrible possibility that in the aftermath of the divorce, you finally get your act together and actually become the 8 she wanted, while she is faced with the prospect of either giving up sex on the second date to 6s or living alone. Ugh.
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