The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 (26 page)

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Authors: Athol Kay

BOOK: The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011
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She:
"Here's my warm, wet, willing vagina. Have some fun."
He:
"But I don't feel comfortable about that unless I get you off too. Tomorrow?"
She:
"Fine."
He:
(thinks... "Why doesn't she want to have sex with me?")
So if she doesn't care about having an orgasm on any given night, you don't care either.
(13.5) How She Orgasms Best is Up to Her
Not many women orgasm through intercourse alone. The
“Hite Report”
stats suggest that only 30% of women have a vaginal orgasm in their entire sex lives. So find out from her how she likes to get there the best. Maybe it’s fingers, maybe it’s tongue, maybe it’s something in her ass while something else is working on her clitoris. Maybe spanking gets her hot, or hair pulling. Maybe this position works and that position doesn’t. She needs to talk and say what makes her hot and orgasm and then you can do your part to help get her there.

 

Don’t be embarrassed to have her own fingers working on her clitoris when you are inside her. As far as vaginal orgasm is concerned, the clitoris is in a really bad location considering how your penis basically misses it entirely. Orgasms with your penis inside her will likely make her very loud. Maybe not quite as loud as Meg Ryan, but then she won't be badly overacting when she has an actual orgasm will she?
(13.6) Allow Her to Not Orgasm

 

By
definition,
half of all married sex is below average…
Some nights are going to be crazy hot lustful poundings. Others are going to be a little more sedate and relaxed. So rather than fighting hard to make every single night of sex a Hollywood production, why not embrace the fact that not every night is going to risk fractures from curled toes or shredded bedding. If you're only having sex one or two times a week and each attempt is
"hardcore sexing you up baby",
she might be declining you another one or two nights a week because she isn't in the mood for the full on experience. You might be triggering her protection shields again.

 

She may be willing for something more low key. A little lubricant and a few minutes of her time may very well be more acceptable to her than another hour long attempt at intercourse. She might just be worried that when you ask for sex you’re hoping for the thing with the jumper cables and the butter again.

 

So while it is counter-intuitive, try...
"Would you like some below average sex tonight?"
as a line once in a while. Remember to smile like a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar attempting to use cute as a defusing tactic. Follow-up line...
"You know you almost want it."

 

She just might like the husbandly version of a pump and dump once in a while. Remember when I said she came from a long line of sluts? Well based on their actions it seems clear that sluts love being pumped and dumped, so a couple times a week of just using your wife’s body with her consent is going to meet her slut needs.

 

Sometimes women get off on the emotional closeness from the sex in and of itself. The quest for her to have three orgasms and a fourth squirting orgasm might be more about your fantasy needs of being a pro stick than her actual desires on any given day. Ideally you want to work toward having sex as being some sort of default setting where she has to make an active decision not to have sex, rather than an active decision to have sex. Also getting more semen inside her vagina is going to mildly increase her sex drive as well. There is testosterone in your semen that gets absorbed through the vaginal walls, so regular vaginal sex can turn a lower sex drive woman into a much higher sex drive woman. Take everything you can get.
(13.7) Only About 30% of What You Try Works in Bed

 

Most women are bad in bed, as are most men. One of the great things about being married is you have enough time to make a few mistakes and do some trial and error and correct things. Sometimes you just have a conversation about what is working or not working in the relationship and most particularly in the bedroom.
Jennifer and I have always had a good sexual relationship, but it's really been a series of long plateaus followed by leaps upwards in understanding. Especially in the bedroom it can take years to learn each other’s buttons and hot spots.

 

Sometimes you even change physiologically over the years as well. I remember that back in my twenties my balls were too sensitive to touch during sex and I'd just tense up from it. Everything about touching them just resulted in a sensation of weird discomfort. At some point around age 30 they started feeling deliciously good from being played with. We had to talk about that seeing as I had made it previously and quite expressly clear to Jennifer… in a couple of, ah… “short sharp directives”, that she wasn’t to trifle with my sugar-lumps.

 

"I thought you hated that.”
"I thought I did too, it's just different now somehow.”
"Well ok, I can do that.”
/tweaks balls
"(Contented sigh)"

 

So talk and try new things – only about 30% of the things we have tried have really worked for us, but we have tried an awful lot of things. Sex is a team sport unless it's masturbation. This is how you both get good with each other. I'm by no means a bad lay myself. But I do Jennifer much better than I would somebody I was having a first time with.
Accept that most women are bad in bed... at first. But as long as they are into you and willing to learn, the sky is the limit. You just have to set that intention into your marriage.
(13.8) Playing Pussy Hero 4 Isn’t Fun Anymore

 

Much of what I talk about involves staying in careful control of yourself; paying attention to what you are doing, why you are doing it, how you are doing it, being mindful and having a plan. Overall this is a good practice but taken too far can make you a little less playful and animated than you could be.

 

There’s hardly enough time in one day to: work, work out, work on the house, work on a hobby, work on the kids’ homework with them and work her over really good at the end of the day. All work and no play made Jack a dull boy, even if it’s all supposedly Sex Rank building stuff. Don’t forget to relax a little and have fun once in a while.

 

In the bedroom there’s a lot that can turn into work as well. Am I touching her just right? Is she going to orgasm? I’m doing this, then this, then that. I’m holding back on cumming because she’s not done yet. How do I look? She’s wearing something frilly to bed so now I gotta make sure this goes really well. We did it her on top the last two times and so I should be on top of her because she likes that but I’m so tired tonight.

 

A few rounds of mental gymnastics like that and you end up being very controlled and emotionally absent during sex. The old Woody Allen joke is that he thought of entire games of baseball when making love to delay cumming too quickly. I think modern guys tend to be so hyper focused on the mechanics of what they are doing that they can lose the enjoyment of sex. I’m kissing like that, a little hair pulling like that, a little spank like that, kiss the boobs like that, doing the sexy move to the clit like that… after a while it’s kind like playing Pussy Hero 4 on the Wii. Just mash the A Button until the meter fills up, and then it’s BBAB then DOWN UP DOWN really quickly to do the Ultimate Finishing Move. You’re welcome baby.

 

Of course this is all just great for the wife, she gets a great orgasm, but you’re turning into her favorite vibrator…which isn’t any fun for you anymore. All this work to get good sex and you aren’t even enjoying it.
(13.9) Lose Control with Her

 

The solution is simple, you just let yourself lose control.

 

Imagine for a moment that she was so unbelievably sexy; you couldn’t control yourself with her.

 

How would you have sex with her then?

 

How would you have sex with her if you no longer cared about anything other than what you felt and what you wanted to feel?

 

How would you have sex with her if you could no longer think and your body was totally in control of your actions for a few minutes?

 

How would you have sex with her if the only thing that mattered was getting semen into her vagina?

 

Then once your body is finished with her body, you drift back to proper consciousness.

 

She may or may not orgasm from that. Frankly it doesn’t matter. She’ll feel sexy and desired though. And don’t blow it by apologizing either. Try these phrases…

 

“
Wow that was intense.”
“
That was amazing, how did you do that to me?”
“
I think my balls might hurt a little.”
“
Can we not do that more than twice a week please.”
“
Holy crap that was just half a tab of Viagra.”
“
We’re gonna stay married together forever right?”
“
What year is it?”
“
I’m starting to like you I think.”
“
This was consensual right?”

 

I’m not saying you do this every time, that’s going to get a little old after a while. But once in a while it’s going to make her feel sexy and desirable, which in turn is going to prime her pump for more sex in the future. Also you’re going to like it.
(13.10) Make Some Noise When You Orgasm

 

For the most part I tend to work fairly hard on being in control with Jennifer and making sure she orgasms (if she wants it, which is most times), but then there is usually a vague crossing over to this out of control sense. Usually it’s the last five to thirty seconds before I orgasm. There is a small element of acting to make it happen, but also a larger element of just going with it as well.

 

And when you cum into her, don’t just hold your breath and ejaculate. Make some noise of some sort and thrust hard as you pour into her. Be like tiger. RAWR!
(13.11) Draw Attention to Her Sexual Interest

 

Also it doesn’t hurt to make her aware that you know she has some slut in her genetic makeup. It’s okay to lightly tease her when she expresses sexual interest in something. If you pick up on her sexual interest, you can always frame it that you are responding to her sexual interest in you.

 

And don’t misunderstand this chapter to mean that you shouldn’t ask her for sex or try and initiate sex. You’re still going to do all that, you’re just not going to try and pressure her into sex with you. In fact, taking away the offer of sex can sometimes instantly make her drop her shields and start to pursue you. You ask and if she says “No”, you go about your day.
Chapter 14
Variety is the Spice of Wife

 

 

(14.1) Girls Like Bad Boys Because Girls Want to be Bad Too

 

In the last chapter I suggested you don’t
push
on your wife for sex because it makes her defensive and she puts up shields. In this chapter we’re going to take her inner sluttiness and use it to
pull
her sexual interest. Somewhere inside your wife is a slutty girl that wants to get out, so to meet her inner slut you need to offer her things that appeal to it.

 

This is extremely counter-intuitive as she may be denying you or having low levels of regular sex, so offering spankings, handcuffs, rough sex, blindfolded blowjobs etc seem like they wouldn’t work. They might not work, but you won’t know until you try. I wouldn’t go for this stuff straight away if you think your Sex Rank is lower than hers, but if you’re pulling level or ahead of her, you may very well be surprised at how eager for some of it she is. You simply willing to be “dirty” is an Alpha Male thing in and of itself and can pull some additional interest on you.
In fact, if she’s interested in any of the more kinky stuff, she will very likely seek it out and find it easily enough; the Internet is the Wal-Mart of kink. If you don't make
you
an option for exploring that aspect of herself with, she might simply explore things by herself, which ultimately means another person will be involved. When your wife is exploring her personal kink with another man behind your back, you’re in a bad place. I know of several cases where wives have developed an intense relationship with an online dominant playing BDSM games via chat. One case had the husband quite excited by his wife’s new sexual interest and activity in the bedroom – until he found out she was performing sex acts on him at the direction of her online “master”. Emotional affairs can be no less serious than physical ones.

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