The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex (35 page)

A woman’s breasts can also be a wonderful tactile tool for her
and
her partner. Try dragging your breasts over your partner’s body. Vary the pressure from just lightly grazing your nipples over the skin, to pressing firmly against it. Rub your breasts against your partner’s genitals.

Hair can create a pleasing sensation when dragged across the skin, and certainly holds a fetishistic appeal for many. Running your hand through someone’s hair, gently tugging on it, or giving someone a scalp massage or an erotic shampoo can also be pleasant.

I like dragging my hair over skin and listening to the sighs.

I always find my visits to the hair salon slightly embarrassing because the shampoo sequence is s uch a turn-on. I love having a stranger’s hands gently scrubbing my scalp, and pulling on my hair slightly during the rinse.

We encourage you to linger over every part of your lover’s body, but there are some particular places you may want to give special attention. Your hands can be skilled instruments of pleasure, but don’t forget they should be worshipped as well. We use our hands so much we usually take their sensitivity for granted. Whether you’re giving a massage or sitting next to your sweetheart in front of the TV, take the time to gently and lightly explore the intricacies of your lover’s hands. Explore the surface of the skin, each finger, the nails, and the knuckles. Apply pressure with your thumbs to the palms, and slide up each finger, finishing off with a gentle tug at the tip.

Out of the blue, my girlfriend will take my hand and start running her fingers along it while we’re chatting away. Sometimes it gets me really excited.

The feet are also tremendously sensitive—toe sucking did not originate as an alternative to bathing! The toes and soles of the feet are full of nerve endings, so take some time to discover them. Bathing your partner’s feet in warm water and toweling them off can be a sensual experience. Applying powder or oiling the feet can evoke a range of pleasant sensations. If your partner is ticklish, try applying a firmer stroke. If that doesn’t work, move to another part of the foot.

Even playing with a partner’s ears can be arousing and intimate. Those who orgasm from ear play can thank a phenomenon known as “auriculogenital reflex,” which traces your orgasm to a nerve found in the ear canal. You might try lightly exploring the ear’s folds and creases with a finger or lips. Touch or nibble on the lobe. Don’t probe too deeply into the ear cavity, and remember how loud this sounds to your partner if you’re sucking, blowing, or smacking your lips. Some folks find ear play incredibly erotic and others find it a sure-fire turn-off, so attend to your partner’s desires and responses.

I like to initiate sex with a little gentle touching, neck kissing, and ear blowing.

The nape of the neck lends itself to continuous smooth strokes, kisses, and licks. Try blowing on it. You may want to continue up the scalp and stroke the hair.

Pour me wine, kiss my neck, and finger me.

I love to be touched everywhere with her fingertips as gently as possible. I especially love to be caressed from my shoulder to the nape of my neck. My hot spots include my ass, feet, hands, and breasts.

The backs of the knees and inner thighs can be highly pleasurable spots in both men and women. Try a light licking on the back of the knee, then vary a soft caress of the hand with a firmer stroke on the inner thighs.

Food

Folks are endlessly creative about what they like to lick off another’s body—you can turn yourself into an ice-cream sundae or a tropical fruit platter.

My girlfriend and I love licking small dabs of yogurt off each other’s nipples. The shock of the coldness on my nipple sends ripples to my cunt, and when her warm, wet mouth starts to suck it off, I nearly lose consciousness.

Food can be a creative way to camouflage the taste of bodily fluids, if you’re not fond of them. Chocolate, whipped cream, jellies, spreads, and honey are all popular.

Water

I really like mutual masturbation in the shower.

Baths, Jacuzzis, saunas, and hot springs not only relax mind and body, they can also awaken desire. There’s no denying that warm water feels exquisite on skin, so immerse yourself in it! The Romans had this pastime down to an art form; their bathhouses were luxurious and ornate—the epitome of sensual decadence. While those grand days may be gone, most people do have a bathtub at home. If you don’t, hot tub places are usually as close as the nearest phone book. You might also enjoy late-night skinny-dipping in a cool lake, pool, or ocean, or sharing a Jacuzzi with friends or a lover. Bath accessories like shower massagers, sponges, and brushes can also enhance bath time.

Toys and Accessories

FEATHERS: Try lightly running a feather over your partner’s body for a sensation that even the lightest fingertips can’t approximate. Ostrich feathers, which are about two feet long and exquisitely soft, are harvested from farms where the birds shed them. If you aren’t up for hunting down your own feather, you can sometimes find these in sex toy or lotion stores. Be careful not to let massage oil gum up your feather!

FUR: It may be a cliché today, but sex on the bear-skin rug originated somewhere! Soft fur on naked skin is luxurious, but if you’re short on rugs or fireplaces, you can invest in a fur mitt for a similar feel. Fake fur has made it possible for everyone to appreciate this sensation.

FABRICS: Satin, velvet, silk, suede, latex, and who-knows-how-many other fabrics feel terrific against the skin. While satin sheets have been commercially available (and popular) for decades, other fabrics may be a little harder to play with, unless you’re willing to do a bit of sewing ahead of time or to shop around in sex boutiques. Blindfolds, fur-lined restraints, and a variety of other leather and latex accessories can be found at specialty shops or on the Web.

TEXTURED MITTS: These are usually large rectangular gloves that fit over the hand so that you can use them on a lover’s body. Mitts can be made out of any of the fabrics listed above. The adult industry’s version is made out of soft rubber with tiny nubs on the glove. Some also have a small pouch that will hold a vibrator.

WHIPS, PADDLES, AND BONDS: Whips and paddles can offer you a range of sensations—from a light slap to a hair-raising sting. Bonds can add an element of restraint to your massage.

POWDERS, GELS, AND EDIBLE ITEMS: Rub ’em on and lick ’em off. These appeal to folks’ desire to eat something off a lover. Flavor selections rival that of ice cream these days—passion fruit, cappuccino, hot chocolate, for just a few examples—but beware: These products run the gamut from sweet-as-honey to tasty-as-motor-oil. Almost all have some kind of preservative in them, though a few boast natural ingredients and really do taste authentic. We polled our survey respondents about their most disappointing toys, and a large percentage cited some kind of edible lotion. Most shops have samples open for you to taste—it’s definitely worth the time to try them before you buy.

These edible gels do not double as massage lotions since they won’t spread easily—imagine using grape jelly for a full body massage. However, many of these contain no oil and they’re safe to use with latex, so next time you complain about the taste of latex, flavor it with strawberry. Some of these gels heat up upon application or when you blow on them, which can be a nice sensation and which can produce some interesting possibilities for oral sex.

Kama Sutra brand products are available nationwide and continuously earn the most fans. Some favorites are Honey Dust, an edible powder perfect for after-bath dusting, or Oil of Love (in six flavors), which heats up when you blow on it—ideal for an after-dinner treat. The manufacturer also makes a minty gel called Pleasure Balm. Its main ingredient, benzocaine, has a numbing effect, but when placed on nipples or genitals it can feel pleasantly cool, especially when you blow on it.

BODY PAINTS: That’s right, your canvas is your lover’s body and you can “express yourself” with these colorful, washable paints. They tickle when applied, and the edible variety offers you the unique opportunity to eat your work of art and your lover at the same time. You can even find edible finger paints in the finest Belgian chocolate these days!

OILS: Massage oils are intended for external use, but can be used for genital lubrication, as long as you don’t combine them with latex. Remember that oil destroys latex, rendering any safer-sex barrier completely useless. If you intend to practice safer sex during your erotic massage, use water-based lubricant for genital massage.

Massage oils come in several textures and dozens of scents; if smelling like a flower or citrus doesn’t appeal to you, you can find unscented oils. It’s nice to have a variety on hand, but bear in mind that vegetable oils will go bad after a period of time. To maximize their life span, store them in the refrigerator (just make sure to warm them before applying to skin). It’s easy to find massage oils that are made exclusively from natural ingredients, most commonly almond and safflower vegetable oils. Be advised, however, that if you have a nut allergy you should avoid almond oils. Unless you’re allergic, these oils are safe to ingest, though they’re not intended as edible treats. Some women are allergic to scented oils if used on the genitals, so experiment first with a small amount or use water-based lubricant instead.

VIBRATORS: Since vibrators are usually packaged as “massagers,” why not try them during your next massage? They provide an intense stimulation that can work wonders on sore muscles or merely offer a pleasant alternative to hands. If you’re trying a variety of sensations on your partner’s body, a vibrator—especially one with several attachments like the coil vibrator—is a must. Experiment on the scalp, the feet, the inner thighs, the neck, and face.

LATEX AND LUBE: The smoothness of a lubricated latex glove or condom can offer a unique sensation for both the giver and the receiver during a genital massage. Lubricants are an especially appealing option for genital massage since you’ll get the slipperiness of oil without getting any oil inside your vagina or rectum (oils linger in your body and jeopardize any latex condoms you may introduce later). If your lubricant starts to dry out, reactivate it by spraying on a bit of water.

Sensate Focus

If you find you don’t enjoy these activities because you’re easily distracted or anxious, you might want to pursue something known as “sensate focus” exercises. Sensate focus teaches an expanded awareness of the entire body and its surrounding environment, and involves coordinating your breathing and mental state with your body’s physical responses to a variety of caresses. Several good books outline self-help programs of this nature, and many sex therapists prescribe these exercises to individuals who experience performance or desire problems.

The Universal Language

The massage techniques presented in this chapter complement many sexual activities, and we encourage you to experiment with your own pleasurable combinations. But before we leave the subject we want to remind you that not all touch is sexual, and that nonsexual touch has the power to improve our quality of life from infancy to old age. Touch allows us to heal, to communicate emotion, to show friendship, and to offer comfort. The right kinds of touch can make us feel loved, appreciated, at home.

If you’re a parent or an adult who enjoys spending time with children, you’ve probably gained insight into how we compartmentalize touch in our culture. As adults, many of us have come to associate intimate touching only with lovers, yet children provide a liberating reminder that nonsexual touch is a universal source of physical and emotional pleasure. Infants need to be held, babies have skin so soft it begs to be touched, and children are unselfconscious about demanding cuddles or back rubs.

Of course, one source of our culture’s touch-phobia is a growing awareness of the very real problem of child sexual abuse, which has created a diffuse anxiety about touch, with unfortunate consequences for both children and adults. Adults such as teachers, who are in positions to provide the affection that can foster a child’s social development, are forbidden from displays of physical affection. How sad that such caretakers feel constrained from embracing a hurting, needy, or happy child. Even parents may come to fear that the joy they derive from touching their children is somehow inappropriate, which can lead them to withhold physical affection. Ultimately, both children and parents lose out. (See Noelle Oxenhandler’s
Eros of Parenthood
for an excellent discussion of this subject.)

It’s no surprise that studies have shown that infants who are held often, massaged, or breast-fed are more likely to grow up with a sense of well-being and belonging. Parents are taught that infant massage is vital to a child’s healthy development, but almost as soon as kids start walking, the emphasis (both at home and at school) shifts to protecting them from inappropriate touching. Of course it’s important to teach kids to distinguish between wanted and unwanted touch, but it’s just as important that they learn—through example and word—that there are many kinds of good touch.

If we don’t get to experience what “good touch” is all about when we’re young, how do we develop a healthy body image and sexual self-esteem? If physical contact with others is perceived as awkward and difficult, how can we enjoy dating, courtship, or sex without a great deal of trauma and shame?

We encourage you to seek ways to include touch in your daily life. Certainly you should respect each individual’s preferences regarding personal space, but we can all benefit by appreciating how vital the simple act of touch is to our health. Pat a coworker on the back (literally), give your family members hugs, take a toddler’s pudgy hands in yours. Remember, touch is a universal language—so go out there and improve your vocabulary!