The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex (30 page)

When I masturbate he asks plaintively, “Ain’t I enough?” and seems to be in competition with my toys.

Try describing your solo sex as a complementary sexual activity, not a replacement for partner sex. Invite your partner to participate if you like. Perhaps simply sharing the act will supplant the feeling of rejection with one of adventurous experimentation.

People expressed concern that masturbation would reduce their desire to have sex with a partner:

I’m afraid if I masturbate too much, I won’t get turned on by my partner.

If you’re worried that you’ll “spend” all your sexual energy masturbating and have little left for a partner, you should try it first. Many people find the opposite is true:

If I’m getting a lot of sex I tend to masturbate more—I get greedy.

Now that I’m married I sometimes masturbate when my sex drive is flagging—to get myself more in the mood.

You could also try to stop thinking of masturbation and partner sex as an either/or choice—“Either I have sex with myself, or I have it with a partner.” As you probably surmised from the preceding section, we want you to have it both ways! If you enjoy masturbating, do it in front of or with your partner periodically. This both adds a new twist to partner sex and satisfies your lusty masturbatory urges.

Masturbation can also come in handy if you and your partner have different sexual schedules. Maybe your sex drive is strongest in the morning, but hers peaks at night. In fact, no two people will always be in the mood at the same time, so if you’re both comfortable with masturbation you won’t have to keep taking cold showers.

Sometimes I get so good at self-pleasuring, I worry that a partner will never be able to offer the same perfect stimulation.

Sometimes I think that if my sole sexual release is through masturbation, I will not be able to orgasm with other kinds of stimulation. I notice that I need a lot of stimulation on my cock to keep it hard.

If your partner aims to please, he or she will make a very attentive student. Masturbating is an excellent way to instruct a lover in the finer points of pleasure. We expect people to know intuitively how to please us, but unless we’re willing to show them, we may indeed be disappointed.

Sometimes I’m afraid I will become a hermit and not look for partners anymore because reaching orgasm and enjoying self-stimulation is so satisfying and simple.

It’s true that the beauty of masturbation is that it is an easy and extremely rewarding activity, but it doesn’t satisfy our need for human interaction. Whispering “I love you” to yourself is a most respectable practice, but it won’t necessarily have the same effect that it would coming from a lover’s lips.

Mutual Masturbation

Watching him masturbate is just incredibly sexy because I can see what he’s feeling in ways that I can’t when I’m involved. It’s so clear that he is intensely inside himself and his desire. It makes me jealous in this really neat way. I could swallow him whole, I think. Masturbating in front of him is great because I really enjoy my reactions—how wet I get, my sounds, my smell, how freely I can move—and I know that I am completely turning him on.

Throughout this chapter we’ve made references to the benefits of masturbating with a partner, otherwise known as mutual masturbation. In view of the difficulty people have sharing their masturbation practices with a partner, we’d like to summarize a few of the benefits of this practice, in the hopes that it will inspire you to give it a try:

• It is an ideal form of safe sex for new lovers.

• Seasoned lovers can enjoy incorporating their previously “secret practice” into sex play.

• You both don’t have to be “in the mood” to enjoy this activity.

• It brings out the voyeur in you.

• It brings out the exhibitionist in you.

• It alleviates performance anxiety for your partner or for both of you.

• You get exactly the kind of stimulation you like best.

• Your lover learns first hand (no pun intended) what kind of stimulation you like best.

• It’s a nice alternative to your usual sexual routine.

• It can help you through periods in life when your sexual responses may be changing.

• For young or new lovers, it’s a great alternative to “going all the way.”

• Try it during cybersex: It’s the “next best thing to being there.”

I was pregnant and the doctor had told me that I shouldn’t have sex for a while because the penetration could be harmful to my cervix, so my partner and I sat on opposite ends of the bed and watched each other masturbate

I was being “faithful” to my boyfriend but met another man whom I found attractive. We decided it was only unfaithful if we touched each other/saw each other naked, so we both lay under covers—him on the floor, me in bed—and talked utter filth to each other while masturbating. A true “head-fuck” that lasted for about eight hours and still brings a smile to my face when I think about it.

Mutual masturbation can take any form you’d like. Although the term “mutual masturbation” implies that you’re both jerking yourselves off at the same time, we encourage you to broaden the definition to include hand jobs (see below), fantasy, timing, and toys. Consider these variations:

SIMULTANEOUS: Masturbate yourselves at the same time while watching each other.

TIMING: Masturbate with your eyes closed and try to come when the other is ready. Try adding a little verbal sex play to stoke the other’s fantasies.

TAKE TURNS: Flip a coin to see who goes first; if you’re first, you masturbate while your partner attends to other parts of your body. Then trade off.

DOUBLE DUTY: Masturbate yourself with one hand and jerk your partner off with your other hand. Challenging, yes, but quite a turn-on.

POSITIONS: Try a variety of positions—use a low-key approach and take turns lying in each other’s arms, or adopt any one of your favorite intercourse positions. Sixty-nine gives you a nice visual (great for learning a thing or two about a partner’s preferred method) and an opportunity to add a little tongue play; doggie style gives the person in back nice access to both partners’ genitals; sitting facing each other with legs entwined allows you to gaze lovingly into each other’s eyes.

BODY PARTS: Rub your genitals along parts of your partner’s body. You can simulate intercourse in the missionary position by rubbing the penis along the clitoral shaft; just remember that it is possible to get pregnant if any semen gets in the vagina.

TOYS, TOYS, TOYS: Take turns using your favorite vibrator on one another—either you or your partner can run the controls. Find a toy that provides direct stimulation to your genitals (vibrators, sleeves, etc), or accessorize with other items: nipple clamps, butt plugs, body paints,
etc.

If that’s not enough to inspire a little creative exploration, just read these testimonials from fans of mutual masturbation:

Mutual masturbation is my favorite sexual activity that does not involve penetration. My girlfriend and I sometimes still need to masturbate to reach orgasm. It is such a turn-on to see her touching herself, and she feels the same way. Sometimes I lie on top of her and touch myself while she is touching herself. I come when I feel her bucking under me when she comes. It is so steamy.

My lover and I discovered hot mutual masturbation when I was pregnant and wanted to try nonintercourse sex play. I was on my back (with lots of pillows) with a vibrator between my legs while he stood over me stroking his cock right in my line of vision.

My lover likes watching me when I masturbate. She’ll pick up on my lead and soon we’re rubbing our clits in synch!

When I masturbate with a partner I’m louder—for dramatic effect!

Mutual masturbation can be an incredibly intimate experience, as it requires you to let your guard down if it’s to be highly pleasurable. It demands openness, trust, and caring.

Hand Jobs

Many people find masturbation to be one of the most satisfying aspects of their sexual repertoire—do you know why? Because we each know how to make ourselves come better than anyone else. Now imagine if your partner mastered your own special technique, and was able to get you off in the way you like best— that would be some gift! Hand jobs come in, well, handy, because you can give them anywhere, anytime, and they’re incredibly gratifying when done right.

His and Hers Masturbation Sites

Jack and Jill may have gone up the hill, but their hands were too busy with other matters to fetch the pail of water. Don’t ask us how these nursery rhyme characters got to be euphemisms for masturbation, ask the folks running the best websites on the subject:

Jackinworld.com

Launched in response to the firing of U.S. Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders for her promasturbation stance, Jackinworld is the ultimate male masturbation resource. Frank and nonjudgmental discussions of technique, penis size, foreskins, lube, and toys accompany excellent illustrations of male anatomy. Founder M. J. Ecker says that about half of Jackinworld’s audience is made up of teenage boys whose favorite questions are about penis size and circle jerks. “The most tenacious myth I encounter is that ‘only losers masturbate’,” says M. J. “In their circle, if you masturbate it means you’re not scoring with the chicks or you’re queer. And yet, they’re all masturbating, so this adds an element of guilt and shame to what should just be a pleasurable activity.” This type of attitude inspires M. J.’s zeal in spreading Jackinworld’s message: “I want to contribute to people’s peace of mind, and help them experience guilt-free pleasure as much as possible!”

Clitical.com

Women can log on to Clitical, a site devoted largely to female masturbation. According to Jenne, Clitical’s founder, “By creating a place where others can share their techniques, stories, and thoughts, we hope to dispel so many of the myths surrounding female sexuality.” Clitical exists primarily to disprove the stereotype that women don’t masturbate. “Many people still believe that it’s okay for men to do it, but not women. We hope to get the message out that masturbation is the best and safest way to understand your body.” Clitical visitors are treated to masturbation stories, detailed instructions about technique, lists of masturbation’s benefits, and a photo gallery with diverse images of nude women. Clitical’s upbeat writing and supportive community guarantee a satisfying visit.

But giving a good hand job is a learned skill, a skill that will be refined to suit the particular needs of each partner. Not everyone likes a counterclockwise stroking of the clit with two fingers, or a hard and fast assault on the penis; the only way to learn your partner’s favorite method is by watching closely and practicing. Keep in mind these tips when perfecting your hand job technique:

GET COMFORTABLE: A tired hand or awkward posture can kill the mood, so try out a few spots to see what works best. Lie beside a woman’s body, so that your hand on her vulva approximates the angle that hers would have if she were masturbating while lying on her back. Sit by a man’s side or kneel between his spread legs for a wider range of movement.

LUBE IT UP: Some people may prefer a “dry” rub, but most like the slippery sexiness of a wet hand job. Your own juices may dry up and result in chafing, so keep a bottle of lube on hand and apply generously.

ASK FOR HELP: Have your partner place his or her hand over yours and direct the movement so that you can get a sense of the desired pacing and pressure. When you’re on your own, check for visual or verbal cues from your partner to ensure that you’re on the right track. If you’re unsure, just ask.

KEEP BOTH HANDS BUSY: If both hands are free, use them unless it’s too distracting. While one hand works the penis or vulva, the other can explore nipples, testicles, anus, perineum, or other sweet spots on the body.

FOLLOW THROUGH: A common instinct is to stop the stimulation once your partner starts coming, but most men and women find that continued stimulation through climax is ideal. You can always opt for this method, and can ask your partner to give you a sign, or can simply remove your hand when enough is enough.

Masturbators, Unite!

Although that may sound like a call for a circle jerk (and if it inspires you, go for it), it’s actually our humble plea for all you masturbators to stand up and be counted. We know there are thousands of you happily engaged in this pursuit of pleasure, but public awareness of masturbation as a powerful and accessible source of sexual pleasure is fleeting at best. We’ve seen numerous TV sitcoms address the subject with humor, magazines pop up devoted to the subject, and celebrities admit to doing it. But we’ve also seen a Surgeon General dismissed for acknowledging its existence, and we wouldn’t be surprised if public admission to the act was used to malign someone in an election year. As one TV dad tells his masturbating, adolescent son, “Everyone does it, but no one talks about it.”

If you’re like us, you’re fed up with masturbation’s bad reputation. Would you like to take matters into your own hands? Join in the celebration of National Masturbation Month, which Good Vibrations instituted in 1996. Every May, friends, customers, businesses, politicians, celebrities, and anyone who’s ever twanged the wire or tiptoed through the two lips are invited to celebrate this popular pastime. We know many of you can’t join us in San Francisco, but there are plenty of ways to pay tribute to masturbation, both publicly and privately, in your own hometown.