The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex (33 page)

On the bright side, water-based lubes and latex make ideal companions. Lube helps transform latex gloves and dental dams into sleek, slippery instruments of pleasure, and complements condoms beautifully. A dab of lubricant on the inside tip of a condom increases sensation for the wearer—just be careful to use only a drop or two, so that the condom doesn’t slide off the wearer’s penis. Lube on the outside of a condom minimizes uncomfortable friction for the receptive partner while it reduces stress on the condom. Even if you’ve purchased a lubricated condom, adding more from your own bottle is often an excellent idea.

Since I use condoms and gloves, I always use lubricant, and why not? It feels nice, and it kinda adds to the whole experience.

Increased safer-sex awareness has inspired a lubricant boom. Lubes are now available in a variety of textures, sizes, prices, and flavors. Several companies manufacture flavored lubricants and edible gels as oral sex accessories—these are great for those who don’t relish the taste of latex. If you’d like to experiment with transforming that condom-covered penis or those dental-dam-clad labia into a fruity taste treat, check out ForPlay Succulents, ID Juicy Lube, and others. We wouldn’t recommend these lubes for internal use—since the artificial colors and flavors could be irritating to mucous membranes—but they are fun safer-sex enhancers.

Nonoxynol-9, as noted above, is frequently added to lubricants as a safer-sex precaution; it is a detergent that has been shown to kill viruses (including the HIV and herpes viruses) in a laboratory setting. While nonoxynol-9 is a common ingredient found in everything from contraceptive foams to baby wipes, it can be irritating to people with sensitive skin. Genital tissue is nothing if not sensitive, and repeated, regular use of nonoxynol-9 has been found to irritate mucous membranes to such an extent that it can produce vaginal or rectal lesions. In fact, recent international public health studies have determined that the use of nonoxynol-9 lubricants not only failed to prevent disease transmission, they actually
increased
STD infection rates—presumably due to the higher rate of lesions, which could have facilitated transmission. Consequently, Good Vibrations does not carry lubricants that contain nonoxynol-9.

Health organizations continue to search for a safe and effective microbicide (a product preventing transmission of viruses and bacteria) that could be incorporated into lubricants and other safer-sex products. A study performed at the University of Texas in 2001 found that certain Astroglide ingredients actually killed HIV in a laboratory setting. As of this writing, the researchers haven’t identified the ingredients by name, but describe them as common, widely used, and inexpensive compounds. If further clinical field trials prove that these ingredients are equally effective outside the lab, the public health benefits could be huge.

Last Lube Words

We’ll close this chapter with the following enthusiastic endorsements from
our
kind of lube fans:

Once I started using lube, my sex life improved one million percent. It just makes everything easier and feels better all around.

Lube changed my life! Not being able to get wet enough to have sex felt like being impotent—but that first tube of KY Jelly improved my sex life (and relationship and sex esteem) forever.

GV Tale: Anne Learns That Lube Makes the World Go Round

Several years ago, a friend and I were traveling through Egypt. Tired of self-guided tours, we decided to splurge and hire a tour guide for our day trip to the Valley of the Kings, the burial ground for ancient royalty. Much to our delight, our guide was a woman.

She reminded me of an Egyptian Oprah Winfrey—full of confidence, style, humor, and showmanship. During a pause in the tour, while she and I waited for the rest of the group to catch up, our guide asked me what I did for a living. Without thinking, I blurted out that I worked for a women-run sex shop in San Francisco. She looked puzzled but before we could talk further the rest of the group arrived and she slipped back into her routine. Since all of the treasures from King Tut’s tomb are now in museums, I stayed behind with her while the others went off to explore the tomb.

As soon as we were alone, the guide began to discuss her sexual problems with me! She said sex with her husband was very painful because there was too much dryness and friction. Her doctor, who was uncomfortable discussing sex, simply told her to get used to the pain. As a result, she was losing interest in sex. I told her all about lubricant and asked whether she could get some in Egypt; she said it would be difficult. I asked for her business card and told her I’d send some lube along with a catalog. She specifically requested that I send the package to her office so that her husband wouldn’t open it first! Too soon our group returned, and the two of us reverted to a conversation about the unbearable heat.

I hope that bottle of Astroglide reached its destination and that my wonderful guide was able to slip back into a happy sex life. As for me, nothing inside Tut’s tomb could have thrilled me as much as our conversation that day.

CHAPTER 8

Creative Touching

Sometimes an accidental touch by a stranger can hold a sexual charge. Maybe because I’m tuned into the eroticism of my whole body, I adore overall body stimulation with hands, tongues, lips, toys—you name it!

In our touch-deprived culture, even the most casual physical contact communicates a message of intimacy. When you extend your hand in greeting to a new acquaintance, touch a coworker’s shoulder, or brush up against someone in a crowded subway, you’re establishing familiarity (whether acknowledged or not) with the physical contact. If you stop to think about it, that’s some powerful stimulus.

Many people do not take full advantage of the erotic potential of touch. Sure, you can wax ecstatic about the first time you pressed your naked body against your lover’s, but can you describe the sensations evoked when the back of the knee or the small of the back is lovingly caressed? Your entire body is capable of being aroused—not just the buttons you push “down there.” Awakening your body to its pleasure potential can boost your self-esteem, expand your definition of sex, and improve your intimacy with a partner. In this chapter, we encourage you to explore the tactile delights of the entire body, not just the genital area, through activities we’ve dubbed “creative touching.” This includes the basics of massage as well as our suggestions for other activities and toys with which to experiment.

I like a lot of stimulation and find that in “real” life people get fixated on one body part or activity (oral or anal sex, for example) and don’t have the imagination to view the entire body as an erogenous zone. So many of my fantasies involve getting and giving whole-body stimulation with at least one partner—preferably stimulating a number of body parts at any one time.

Erotic Massage

Massages are the best, especially if you have massage oil. They are so intimate and relaxing, filled with so much caring and love.

Massage can be used for many different reasons: to soothe aches and pains, to reduce stress or relieve tension, to improve circulation, to heighten physical sensations. All of these can positively affect your sex life. Many people discover the erotic possibilities of massage by accident. Have you ever been turned on during a professional massage? Or been surprised when a friendly massage given by someone you had no sexual interest in left you aroused? It’s perfectly natural for the body to respond this way—after all, the skin, like the brain, is also a sex organ.

I get off on giving my partner massage—great foreplay.

I love just holding and being held, caressing, and spending long hours in bed.

Many folks enjoy massage as a warm-up to a sexual encounter, while others experience the eroticism of the massage as an end in itself. Whatever your preference, you can benefit from going slowly and learning how to give and receive pleasure. Too often we’re in a hurry to move on to some other activity and don’t take enough time to appreciate the subtle pleasures of a lingering touch. Pregnant women (who should be sure to see someone trained in massages for pregnant women) and people with chronic pain or disabilities are among those who speak enthusiastically of the rewards of massage:

I have partial feeling from my waist down, but my face and head have become incredibly sensitized to any form of touch—a kiss, a caress, a cheek upon mine is incredibly exciting.

During pregnancy, massage helped alleviate some of my back pain, but also helped me stay in touch with my ever-changing body. The massage was sometimes relaxing and at other times profoundly erotic.

You don’t necessarily have to be aroused to want a massage—many folks find that the massage itself is what triggers their excitement:

Nude massage often gets her in the mood, and will help get me in the mood too if I am not feeling real horny to begin with.

Although massage professionals may describe their specialties differently, we’ve chosen to include any type of touching in this category. Whether it be a light touch, a tickle, or a firmer stroke, the goal is to discover new sensations. And massage by no means has to involve a partner—you can incorporate many of these techniques and toys into your solo sex play.

Your attitude about giving and receiving pleasure can affect performance, often to the detriment of your own satisfaction. To enjoy a massage, both the partners need to let go of expectations and simply enjoy the physical sensations. Embrace the concept of selfishness and indulgence when it comes to giving and receiving pleasure. If it’s not clearly understood beforehand, you might want to discuss the nature of the massage. Are you both interested in an erotic massage? Is the massage meant to ease tension and induce sleep, or to arouse? Are orgasms expected? Will you explore heightened sensation by prolonging the build-up to orgasm?

I enjoy giving body massage without actually touching any sexual organs. The movement of our hands on each other’s bodies is intended to be erotic but not explicitly sexual.

I like massage that moves into mutual masturbation.

The person giving the massage should try to be as comfortable as possible. Anticipate what positions you’d like to avoid and set up your massage area accordingly. If you prefer standing, set up a foam pad or cushion on a sturdy table. During the massage, remember to change positions often so that you don’t get sore—try kneeling, sitting, or straddling your partner. It’s just as important for you to enjoy the massage as it is for your lover. The receiver’s job is simply to relax, breathe deeply, and focus on tactile pleasures.

Try to avoid conversation during the massage. This allows both of you to keep your attention on the physical sensations and eliminates any distractions. It’s fine to communicate what does and doesn’t feel good, but remember, you can convey pleasure or satisfaction with a moan or a smile!

Massage Setting

The most important thing to consider when preparing your space for massage is temperature. We live in chilly San Francisco, where the flat’s only heater may not be in the bedroom. Buy a portable heater and turn it on well in advance! The surest recipe for disaster is to try to give a massage to a lover covered in goose bumps. An excellent way to warm up prior to the massage is to take a hot bath. Not only does it raise your body temperature, but it’s exceptionally relaxing.

• If it helps your partner feel warmer and more secure, cover her or his body (except for the portion you’re massaging) with a sheet, light blanket, or towel.

• If you’ve got a dryer, throw in some bath towels. Your lover can lie on these during the massage or be wrapped in them upon emerging from the bath.

• Use a bed, a padded table, or thick blankets on the floor. If you’re using a bed, position your partner diagonally so that you have a bit more room. If you’re using oil or lubricant, place easily-washable towels or sheets under your partner.

• Find out if your partner has specific physical needs or special requests, and prepare your massage area accordingly. A pregnant women might find lying on her side most comfortable, or she might like to use cushions to help support her stomach and breasts.

• Warm oils ahead of time. Microwave your bottle, or immerse it for a few minutes in warm water.

• If you’re planning to use other toys, have them nearby.

• Unplug the phone, put the kids and the pets to bed, play some music if you like. Your goal is to relax as much as possible.

• Remove any jewelry and make sure your nails are trimmed.

Tips and Techniques

With the preparations completed, you now have your delectable, nude lover awaiting your ministrations.

If you’ve agreed on a genital massage, consider saving the genital area for last to heighten the anticipation. You may want to experiment with avoiding the genitals altogether to see how it affects your experience of other body parts.

If you’re giving a full-body massage, here’s a suggested itinerary. With your lover face down, start with the back, shoulders, arms, and hands, then move on to the butt, legs, and feet. Turn your partner over. Begin with a scalp and face massage; move on to the abdomen, chest, arms, legs, and feet; and end with the genitals.