The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (78 page)
Read The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes Online
Authors: Rudy A. Swale
A woman went to see her psychiatrist. “I’m really concerned,” she said. “The other day I found my daughter and the little boy next door together naked and examining each other’s bodies and giggling.”
The psychiatrist smiled. “That’s nothing to worry about—it’s pretty normal.”
“Well, I don’t know,” said the woman. “It worries me. It worries my daughter’s husband too.”
Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before take off, a fat little Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, “I think I’ll go up and get a Coke.”
“No problem,” said the Israeli. “I’ll get it for you.”
While he was gone, the Arab picked up the Israeli’s shoe and spat in it.
When the Israeli returned with the Coke, the other Arab said, “That looks good. I think I’ll have one too.” Again, the Israeli obligingly went to fetch it, and while he was gone the second Arab picked up the other shoe and spat in it.
The Israeli returned with the Coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to New York. As the plane was landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
“How long must this go on?” he asked. “This animosity between our peoples, this hatred, this hostility, this spitting in shoes—and peeing in Cokes?”
The other day, my friends and had a girls’ night out. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his right buttock!
Not to be outdone, another friend pulled out a $20 bill. She called the guy back over, licked the $20 bill, and stuck it to his left buttock.
In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulled out a $50 bill and called the guy over. I was worried about the way things were going, but she licked the bill and just stuck it to one of his buttocks as well.
Seeing the way things were going, the guy gyrated over to me! Now everyone’s attention was focused on me, and the guy was egging me on to try and top the $50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet. What could I do? I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his ass, grabbed the $80, and went home.
Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer and Cindy Crawford are flying to a super models’ conference in Paris, when the captain of the plane announces, “We have just lost power to the engines and are going to make an emergency crash landing. Assume the brace position immediately!”
Immediately, the three models start preparing for the worst. Claudia pulls out lipstick and makeup and starts fixing her face. Bewildered, Naomi and Cindy ask, “What the hell are you doing fixing your makeup when we are about to fucking crash?!”
Claudia responds, “I know for a fact the rescue workers will search for and save first the ones who have the best looking faces, which is why I am putting on my makeup.”
Cindy Crawford rips open her blouse to expose two beautiful mounds of flesh which inexplicably defy the laws of gravity. Totally confused, Naomi and Claudia shout, “Cindy, have you lost your senses? Why are you baring your breasts for everyone to see when we are about to die!”
Cindy responds, “I have heard that in plane crashes, the rescue workers look to save the women with big beautiful breasts first, which is why I am exposing my tits!”
Not hesitating, Naomi Campbell pulls down her skirt and panties to expose her love triangle. Freaking out, Claudia and Cindy yell, “Naomi, are you crazy?? Why are you exposing your crotch for everyone to see?”
Calmly, Naomi responds, “Bitches, please! I know for a fact that the first thing rescue workers look for in plane crashes is a black box!”
A young man is starting his first ever job at a morgue. The boss of the morgue thinks, I’ll throw him in at the deep end on his first day, give him a real challenge. So he takes the young man to a door and he tells the young man, “Behind this door is a room with nothing in it apart from a dead old woman lying completely naked on a slab. You have to go in and inspect her body.”
“Inspect her body?” the young man asks.
“Yes,” replies the boss. “Check if everything’s OK.”
So the young man goes through the door into the room, and the boss waits outside. After what seems like a very long time, the young man comes out of the room.
“Everything OK?” asks the boss.
“Yes,” answers the young man, “except one thing. She’s got a prawn stuck up her pussy.”
“She’s got a prawn stuck up her pussy!!?” exclaims the boss, astonished.
“Yes,” replies the young man.
The boss decides he has to go and check this. So he goes into the room and the young man waits outside. The boss quickly returns, and the young man says, “See, I told you.”
“That’s not a prawn, that’s her clitoris!” explains the boss.
“Well, it tasted like a prawn,” answers the young man.
A man was in a long line at the supermarket. As he got to the checkout he realized he had forgotten to get condoms.
So he asked the checkout girl if she could have some condoms brought up to register.
She asked, “What size condoms?” The customer replied that he didn’t know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did, and she reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him, then picked up the store intercom and said,
“One box of large condoms to register 5.”
The next man in line thought this was interesting and, like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got to the register, he told the checkout girl that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought up to the register. She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn’t know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did, and she gave him a quick feel, picked up the store intercom and said,
“One box of medium-sized condoms to register 5.”
A few customers back there was a teenage boy. He thought what he had witnessed was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got up to the register, he told the girl he needed some condoms. She asked him what size, and he said he didn’t know. She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him one quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said,
“Clean up at register 5!”
A guy was on his honeymoon near his favorite fishing lake, and he would fish from dawn to dark with his favorite fishing guide. One day the guide, a friend of many years, mentioned that the honeymoon seemed to be spent fishing.
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