The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (75 page)

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Authors: Rudy A. Swale

BOOK: The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes
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A woman walked into a very busy butcher’s shop. Looking at the meats and poultry on display, she suddenly grabbed hold of a dressed chicken. She picked up one wing, sniffed it, picked up the other wing and sniffed it, picked up one leg, sniffed it, picked up the other leg, sniffed it.
Just as she finished sniffing the second leg, the butcher walked up to her and said, “Madam, could you pass such a test?”
A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, “Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we’re so obsessed with getting laid?”
“That doesn’t prove anything,” the woman countered. “Think about this: When your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better, your ear or your finger?”
Three explorers are captured by a tribe in the Amazon jungle. The chief is going to punish the intruders. He calls the first explorer to the front of the tribe and asks, “Death or Booka?!”
Well, the explorer doesn’t want to die, so he opts for booka. The tribe starts screaming BOOKA! and dancing around. The chief then rips the explorer’s pants off and fucks him in the ass.
The chief calls the second explorer to the front and asks, “Death or Booka?!”
Well, not wanting to die either, he also opts for booka. The tribe again starts screaming BOOKA! and dancing around. The chief rips the second man’s pants off and fucks him in the ass.
The chief calls the third explorer to the front and asks, “Death or Booka?!”
Well, the third guy has a little more self-respect and thinks death would be better than being violated in front of hundreds of tribesman, so he opts for death.
The chief turns to the whole tribe and screams, “DEATH BY BOOKA!”
Q. What’s the difference between a wife and a trash can?
A. You only have to take out a trash can once a week.
This lady goes to the gynecologist but won’t tell the receptionist what’s wrong with her, just that she must see a doctor. After hours of waiting, the doctor sees her in. “OK, my good woman, what is your problem?” the doctor asks.
“Well,” she says, “my husband is a very compulsive gambler, and every nickel he can get his hands on he gambles. So I had five hundred dollars and I stuffed it in my vagina, but now I can’t get it out.”
The doctor says, “Don’t be nervous, I see this happen all the time.” He asks her to pull down her underwear, sits her down with her legs wide open puts his gloves on and says, “I only have one question. What am I looking for? Bills or loose change?”
The latest supermarket parking lot scam is becoming widespread and I suggest that everyone takes great care. The scam goes like this:
Two good-looking women in their late teens or early 20s approach you as you are about to drive out of the parking lot. One starts wiping your windscreen with a wet towel while the other—who seems to be wearing the lowest-cut T-shirt imaginable—comes to your window, leans down and says “Hello.” Male instinct being what it is, one tends to get a little distracted.
When you thank them and offer them a tip for the windshield washing, they say “No” and ask instead for a lift to the nearest train station. They both get into the back of your car and, within a few minutes, they’re having sex with each other right there on the back seat. One of the girls (in my case it was the blonde with the low-cut T-shirt and very substantial breasts) then jumps into the front seat and insists on giving you oral sex. But while this is going on, the other girl—still in the back seat—steals your wallet.
I fell for this vicious, nasty-minded scam last Monday, also Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday, but I couldn’t find them Saturday or Sunday…
Q. Why is the penis so depressed?
A. His closest friends are two nuts who live next to an asshole.
A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight. When she looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune, she thought to herself I’ll give it a try just to see what it tells me. So she went over to the machine, put her nickel in and a card came out. It read, “You’re a nun, you weigh 128 lbs. and you’re going to Chicago, Illinois.” So she sat back down and thought about it. She thought to herself that it probably told everyone the same thing and went to try it again.
So she went over to the machine again and put her nickel in it, and a card came out that read, “You’re a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you’re going to Chicago, Illinois, and you’re going to play a fiddle.”
She said to herself, I know that’s wrong. I have never played a musical instrument in my life. She sat back down and this cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down. She picked up the fiddle and just started playing beautiful music. She looked back at the machine and said, “This is incredible. I’ve got to try it again.”
So she went back to the machine, put her nickel in and another card came out that read, “You’re a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you’re going to Chicago, Illinois, and you’re going to break wind.”
She thought, I know it’s wrong now. I’ve never broken wind in public in my life. Well, she tripped and fell down the stairs and farted like a donkey. So she sat back down and looked at the machine once again. She said to herself, “This is truly unbelievable—I’ve got to try it one more time.”
She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and a card came out that read, “You’re a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you’re going to Chicago, Illinois, and you’re going to have sex.” She thought, Ah-hah that does it—I know for sure it’s wrong now. I’m a nun, I have never had sex, and am not ever going to have sex.
Well, a huge electrical storm came through and the electricity went off, and during the black-out she got raped.She sat back down and thought about it for few minutes and then said, “This is truly, truly, incredible. But one thing is for certain—I’ve got to try it one last time just to see what is going to happen to me before I leave this airport.”
She went over to the machine, put her nickel in and a card came out that read, “You’re a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you have fiddled, farted and fucked around and missed your flight to Chicago!!!”

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