The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (82 page)
Read The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes Online
Authors: Rudy A. Swale
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. “I’m sorry, sir, but I am blind and can’t read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from the previous customer. I’ll smell it and order from there.”
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man’s table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
“Ah, yes, that’s what I’ll have. Meatloaf and mashed potatoes.”
Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner’s wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves. Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.
“Sir, remember me? I’m the blind man.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t recognize you. I’ll go get you a dirty fork.” The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.
After another deep breath, the blind man says, “That smells great. I’ll take the Macaroni and cheese with broccoli.” Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is fooling him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he’s going to test him.
The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, “Mary, rub this fork around your vagina before I take it to the blind man.” Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back.
As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. “Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you.”
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, “Hey, I didn’t know that Mary worked here!”
A young teenage girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking by, but little old grandma. The young girl was frantic.
Sure enough, grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, “What are you lining up for, dear?” Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.
“Mmm, sounds lovely,” said grandma. “I think I’ll have some myself,” she continued as she made her way to the back of the line.
A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma at the end of the line, he was bewildered. “But you’re so old. How do you do it?”
Grandma replied, “Oh, it’s really easy, sonny. I just remove my dentures and suck ’em dry!”
A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. “Do all the waiters here carry spoons in their pockets?”
The waiter replied, “Yes, ever since an efficiency expert visited our restaurant. He determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen.”
The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, “Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?”
The waiter replied, “Yes, we all do. Seems that the same efficiency expert determined that we spend too much time washing our hands after using the men’s room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, do my thing, and then return to work. Having never touched myself, there really is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time.”
“Wait a minute,” said the diner, “how do you get your penis back in your pants?”
“Well, I don’t know about the other guys, but I use the spoon.”
A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules. “I’ll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want,” he insisted. “And I don’t expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules,” he said. “Any comments?”
His new bride replied, “No, that’s fine with me. But, just understand that there’ll be sex here at seven o’clock every night, whether you’re here or not.”
Farmer Brown goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken. The cocky young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says, “OK, old fellow, time to retire.”
The old rooster says, “You can’t handle all these chickens. Look what it did to me!”
The young rooster replies, “Now, don’t give me a hassle about this old man. It’s time for the old to step aside and the young take over, so take a hike!”
The old rooster says, “Aw, c’mon, just let me have those two old hens over there in the corner. I won’t bother you.”
The young rooster snarls, “Scram! Beat it! You’re washed up! I’m taking over!”
The old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster, “I’ll tell you what, young fellow. I’ll have a race around the farmhouse with you. Whoever wins the race gets full reign over the chicken coop.”
The young rooster smiles, “You know I’m going to beat you, old man. So just to be fair, I’m even going to give you a head start.”
The two roosters line up in back of the farm house; a hen clucks “Go!” and the old rooster takes off running. About five seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farm house and the young rooster is inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. Farmer Brown, sitting on the porch, hearing the commotion looks up and sees what’s going on. Quickly, he grabs his shotgun and BOOM! The young rooster is blown to smithereens!
Farmer Brown sadly shakes his head in disgust, “Damn! That makes the third gay rooster I bought this week.”
Q. What did the two lesbian frogs say to each other?
A. We do taste like chicken!
The weather was very hot and a man wanted desperately to take a dive in a nearby lake. He didn’t bring his swimming trunks, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed and got into the water.
After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, he got out of the water and noticed two old ladies walking along the shore in his direction. He panicked and grabbed a bucket lying in the sand nearby. He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with relief.
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