The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (73 page)
Read The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes Online
Authors: Rudy A. Swale
A man from the Internal Revenue Service knocks on a door and it is opened by a little boy.
The man asks the boy, “Where is your mother?”
The boy states, “She’s in the backyard, screwing the goat.”
The man exclaims, “Son, it’s not nice to make up stories like that!”
The boy says, “Come on in and I’ll show you.”
So the taxman follows the little boy to the back of the house and looks out the window into the backyard. There, he sees a woman screwing a goat.
Disgusted, he turns to the boy and says, “That is gross! Doesn’t it bother you?”
The little boy answers, “Naaaaaaaaah!”
An old man went into confession and told the priest, “Father, I’m 81 and married with six children and 13 grandchildren. Last night I had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls. Twice.”
“I see,” said the priest. “When was the last time you were in confession?”
“Never, Father,” replied the old man. “I’m Jewish.”
“So why are you telling me?”
“I’m telling everybody!”
Q. What has lots of balls and fucks rabbits?
A. A 12-gauge shotgun.
A guy is walking down the street and enters a clock and watch shop. While looking around, he notices a drop-dead gorgeous female clerk behind the counter. He walks up to the counter where she is standing, unzips his pants, flops his cock out and places it on the counter. “What are you doing, sir?” she asks. “This is a clock shop!!”
He replies, “I know it is, and I would like two hands and a face put on this!”
A guy can’t get an erection so he goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis have broken down and there’s nothing he can do unless he’s willing to try an experimental surgery. The guy asks what the surgery is. The doctor tells him they take the muscles from the base of a baby elephant’s trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best. The guy thinks that sounds pretty scary, but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier so he tells the doctor to go ahead.
The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about six weeks later gives him the go-ahead to “try out his new equipment.” The guy takes his girlfriend out to dinner. While at dinner he starts feeling an incredible pressure in his pants. It gets incredibly unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants. No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs a dinner roll, and disappears back into his pants. His girlfriend sits in shock for a few moments, then gets a sly look on her face.
She says, “That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?”
With his eyes watering and a painful expression on his face, he says, “Probably, but I don’t know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!”
In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone:
“Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin.”
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully and the undertaker told his men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but as the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long. They simply wrote: “Returned unopened.”
Q. Have you heard about the new uper-sensitive condoms?
A. They hang around after the man leaves and talk to the woman.
Q. Why don’t Ken and Barbie have any kids?
A. Ken comes in a different box.
A teenager is walking down a street in Soho, New York, and a girl whispers to him, “Blow job, five dollars.” He gives her a strange look and keeps walking.
Soon, another girl does the same thing. Confused, he keeps walking. The first thing out of his mouth when he returns home is, “Mom, what’s a blow job?”
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