The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (76 page)
Read The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes Online
Authors: Rudy A. Swale
Mr. Perkins, the biology teacher at a girl’s prep school, said during class, “Miss Smith, would you please name the organ of the human body that, under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions.”
Miss Smith gasped, then said coldly, “Mr. Perkins, I don’t think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this.”
With that she sat down red-faced. Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question. Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, “The pupil of the eye, in dim light.”
“Correct,” said Mr. Perkins. “And now, Miss Smith, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your homework. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment.”
A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick, so she proceeded to find herself a rich 75-year-old man, and planned to screw him to death on their wedding night.
The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference. The first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed.
When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a condom to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of nose plugs.
Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, “What are those for?”
The elderly groom replied, “There are two things I can’t stand: the sound of a woman screaming and the smell of burning rubber.”
Q. Why do women have two sets of lips?
A. So they can piss and moan at the same time.
There is a white Superman, a black Superman and a Chinese Superman on top of a skyscraper. They are all having a contest to see who has the longest dick.
The white Superman pulls down his tights and BLUM, BLUM, BLUM, his cock unrolls down the side of the building and across the street.
The black Superman says, “That’s shit—watch this,” and pulls down his tights. BLUM, BLUM, BLUM, BLUM, CRASH!!! His cock unrolls down the side of the building, across the street and up the next building, then smashes through a window.
Now, the white Superman and the black Superman are looking at the Chinese Superman, who by this time is laughing his ass off! So, the black and white Supermen say, “What’s so funny? Show us your cock!” So the Chinese Superman pulls out his dick and it’s only three inches long, but he’s still laughing.
Puzzled, the black and white Supermen ask, “What the fuck is so funny?!”
The Chinese Superman says, “There is steamroller coming down street!”
Definition:
Self deception: masturbating and then faking an orgasm.
Mistress: something between mister and mattress.
Lesbian: another woman trying to do a man’s job.
I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
1. I do physical labor.
2. I work at great depths.
3. I plunge head first into everything I do.
4. I do not get weekends off or public holidays.
5. I work in a damp environment.
6. I don’t get paid overtime.
7. I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
8. I work in high temperatures.
9. My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize 1 egg?
A. They don’t stop to ask for directions.
Thor, the god of thunder, assumes mortal form, comes down to earth on a Friday night and goes to a singles bar.
He ends up going home with a beautiful woman. They spend the weekend in her place making passionate love, over and over again.
Come Monday morning, Thor decides to reveal his true identity, saying, “I am Thor!”
The woman looks at him and replies, “You’re thor! I’m tho thor I can hardly pith!”
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