The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (37 page)
Read The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes Online
Authors: Rudy A. Swale
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a tremendous urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he’d be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. “What’s wrong, Bill?” she asked.
“Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?”
“Oh, Bill, you didn’t.”
“Yes, I did.”
“My God, Bill, what happened?”
“I got fired.”
“No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?”
“Oh...she got fired too.”
Q. How are a lawyer and a prostitute different?
A. The prostitute stops fucking you after you’re dead.
It’s Saturday morning. Bob’s just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and calls home.
“Hello?” says a little girl’s voice.
“Hi, honey, it’s Daddy,” says Bob. “Is mommy near the phone?”
“No, Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank.”
After a brief pause, Bob says, “But you haven’t got an Uncle Frank, honey!”
“Yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the bedroom with mommy!”
“Okay, then, here’s what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car’s just pulled up outside the house.”
“Okay, Daddy!”
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. “Well, I did what you said, Daddy.”
“And what happened?”
“Well, mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug and fell through the upstairs window and now she’s dead.”
“Oh my god...and what about Uncle Frank?”
“He leapt out of bed with no clothes on, too, and he was so scared he jumped out of the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgotten that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he’s dead as well.”
There is a long pause and then Bob says, “Swimming pool? Is this 554-7039?”
After the annual office Christmas party, John woke up with a pounding headache, cottonmouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
“Louise,” he moaned, “tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?”
“Even worse,” she assured him in her most scornful tone. “You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the chairman of the company to his face.”
“He’s an arrogant, self-important prick. Piss on him!” said John.
“You did. All over his suit,” Louise informed him. “And he fired you.”
“Well, screw him,” said John.
“I did. You’re back at work on Monday.”
A Pacific cruise ship sinks with only three survivors: David, Darren and Daisy.
They swim to a small island and live there for a couple of years doing what comes naturally.
Eventually Daisy feels so bad about having sex with both David and Darren that she kills herself. It’s sad for David and Darren but they get over it and again nature takes it’s course.
After year’s time they feel really bad about what they are doing...
…so they bury her.
One night a guy goes to get a room in a hotel. “Hello, I want a single room for the night please.”
“Fine, sir, here’s one of our best rooms. Room 13,” says the concierge and hands him the key.
The guy goes upstairs, takes a shower and gets straight into bed. At about 2 o’clock in the morning, two gorgeous naked women come in and slide under the covers. When he realizes what is going on, he starts screwing both of them. He can’t believe what’s happening. Next morning, still surprised by last night’s events, he goes downstairs to settle the bill.
“How was your room sir?” asks the receptionist.
“Excellent, I will come back again. What do I owe you?” asks the man.
“Well…actually, sir, we are doing a promotional offer. Not only do you not have to pay but we give you $10 as a welcome gesture,” says the receptionist.
“What?” says the guy, very surprised indeed. “That’s amazing.” He takes the ten-dollar bill and wanders off, debating whether his buddies will believe him or not. Needless to say, after a few days he’s told all his friends and neighbors about room 13 and the amazing night of passion.
The next week one of his buddies goes to check out the room. “Room 13 please.”
“Certainly, sir, here’s your key.”
After he gets in bed, at the same time, 2 o’clock, three girls this time, extremely horny, get in bed and screw his brains out. The next morning, not only does he not have to pay, but he too gets $10.
After a month, everyone knows this hotel and especially room 13. Everyone that stays in room 13 gets the same treatment: a good screw and a ten bucks.
After a few weeks, the story reaches an archbishop. The archbishop decides to check the story out for himself. He visits the hotel and asks for room 13. He gets the keys and goes upstairs. After a couple of drinks he gets in bed waiting patiently for the naked girls to appear. Indeed at about 2 o’clock in the morning two naked ladies come to bed. They are as horny and wild as all the stories the archbishop has heard. The archbishop gets his pecker out and screws the both of them all night long. This is the night of his life.
Next morning he goes to reception and when he asks how much the bill is, the receptionist says, “Nothing to pay, sir. Actually, we are doing an introductory offer. Here’s $50 as a welcome gesture.”
Curious, the archbishop asks the receptionist,
“Well, that’s strange. Everyone else who comes here gets $10. Why do I get $50?”
“Well, sir,” says the receptionist. “This is the first time we’ve filmed a porn movie with an archbishop in it!”
An elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newly-wed couple wanted to join a church. The priest said, “We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.”
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