The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (111 page)

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Authors: Rudy A. Swale

BOOK: The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes

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A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargements. He told her, “Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your nipples and say, ‘Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies.’”

She did this every day faithfully. After several months, it worked! She grew great boobs!

One morning she was running late, and in her rush to leave for work, she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. At this point she loved her boobs and didn’t want to lose them, so she got up in the middle of the bus and said, “Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies.”

A guy sitting nearby asked her, “Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?”

“Why yes, I do. How did you know?”

The man stood up and cupped his balls and said, “Hickory dickory dock...”

Q. What do you call a nun with a sex change operation?

A. A tran-sister.

Bob says to Charlie, “You know, I think I’m about ready for a vacation, only this year I’m going to do it a little differently. The last few years I took your advice as to where to go. Two years ago you said to go to the Canaries. I went to the Canaries and Mary got pregnant. Then last year you told me to go to the Bahamas. I went to the Bahamas and Mary got pregnant again.”

Charlie says, “So what are you going to do differently this year?”

Bob says, “This year I’m taking Mary with me.”

A guy’s eating in a restaurant and spots a gorgeous woman sitting all alone. He calls over his waiter and says, “Send that woman a bottle of your most expensive champagne, on me.”

The waiter quickly brings the champagne over to the woman and says, “Ma’am, this is from the gentleman over there.”

She says to the waiter, “Please tell him that for me to accept this champagne, he had better have a Mercedes in his garage, a million dollars in the bank, and eight inches in his pants.”

The waiter delivers the message, and the guy says, “Please go back and tell her I have two Mercedes in my garage, three million dollars in the bank, but I haven’t even met her, so why the fuck would I cut off four inches?”

Q. If you are having sex with two women and one more walks in, what do you have?

A. Divorce proceedings, most likely.

Two gay gentlemen were walking through a zoo. They came across the gorillas, and after a while, they noticed that the huge male gorilla had a massive erection. This fascinated the gay men so much they couldn’t take their eyes off of it. One of the men just couldn’t bear it any longer and he reached into the cage to touch it. The gorilla grabbed him, dragged him into the cage and screwed him for six hours non-stop.

When he was done, the gorilla threw the gay man back out of the cage. An ambulance was called and the man was taken away to the hospital. The next day his friend visited him in the hospital and asked, “Are you hurt?”

“AM I HURT?” he shouted. “Wouldn’t you be? That big ape hasn’t called, he hasn’t written...”

There are two gay men who have anal sex every night. One night before sex one of the guys has to go to the bathroom. So the other guy says, “OK, but don’t jerk off in there. Save it for later.”

The first guy agrees. He’s in the bathroom for a while, so the other gay guy decides to check on him. Once he opens the bathroom door, he sees lots of semen everywhere.

He gets angry and yells, “I thought I told you not to jerk off and to save it for later!”

The first gay guy replies, “I didn’t jerk off. I just farted.”

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th-floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her defense. “Your Honor,” she began coolly, “I figured that at 92 if he could screw, he could fly.”