The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (110 page)
Read The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes Online
Authors: Rudy A. Swale
Q. What is the first sign of AIDS?
A. A pounding sensation in the ass.
A bride who got a little too drunk at her wedding reception was still determined to say a few words of thanks to the guests for all their presents. She stumbled through a short speech and then slowly turned to point to the presents on display, which included a coffee percolator. “And finally,” she said, “I do thank my new parents-in-law for their present—such a beautiful perky copulator.”
The undertaker calls Mrs. Banley and says “Excuse me, Mrs. Banley, but I can’t seem to close the lid to your husband’s coffin because he has a huge erection.”
To which she replies, “Why don’t you cut it off and stick it up his ass? That’s the only hole in town it hasn’t been in.”
I’ve never gone to bed with an ugly man, but I’ve woken up with a few.
A truck driver goes into a brothel and hands the Madam five hundred dollars. He says, “I want your ugliest woman and a cheese sandwich.”
The Madam says, “For that kind of money, you could have one of my finest girls and steak and fries.”
The driver says, “I’m not horny, I’m homesick!”
A guy walks into a bar, orders a scotch and soda and puts a frog on the bar. The bartender gives him the drink and asks what the frog is for.
The guy snaps his fingers and the frog jumps down and gives the man a blow job.
The bartender is amazed, and asks to see that again.
So the guy snaps his fingers a second time, the frog jumps down, gives the man a blow job and then hops back on the bar. The bartender is astounded and offers the guy $3000 for the frog.
The man of course accepts, and gives the frog to the bartender.
The bartender goes home after his shift. He sits in his kitchen, calls his wife over and says he has something to show her.
His wife walks in and the bartender takes the frog out of his pocket, puts it on the table and snaps his fingers, and the frog jumps down, gives the bartender a blow job and hops back on the kitchen table.
The wife asks, “Why the hell are you showing me this?”
The bartender says, “Because you’re going to teach him how to cook and then you’re going to get the fuck out of here.”
Mr. Geraldo says to his doctor, “Doc, I had the worst dream of my life last night. I dreamed I was with twelve of the most beautiful chorus girls in the world. Blondes, brunettes, redheads, and they were all dancing in a row.”
The psychiatrist says, “Now hold on, Mr. Geraldo. That doesn’t sound so terrible.”
Mr. Geraldo says, “Oh, yeah? I was the third girl from the end.”
Q. Did you know they just discovered a new use for sheep in New Zealand?
A. Wool!
Jack is on his death bed, and he says to his wife, “Can you give me one last wish?”
She says, “Anything you want.”
He says, “After I die, will you marry Larry?”
She says, “But I thought you hated Larry.”
With his last breath, he says, “I do.”
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