The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (54 page)
Read The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes Online
Authors: Rudy A. Swale
A worried father confronted his daughter one night. “I don’t like that new boyfriend; he’s rough and common and incredibly stupid.”
“Oh no, Daddy,” the daughter replied, “Fred’s ever so clever. We’ve only been going out nine weeks and he’s cured me of that illness I used to get once a month.”
At a local college dance, a guy from America asks a girl from Sweden to dance.
While they are dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, “In America, we call this a hug.”
She replies, “Yaah, in Sveden we call it a hug too.”
A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, “In America, we call this a kiss.”
She replies, “Yaah, in Sveden we call it a kiss too.”
Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn and proceeds to have sex with her, saying, “In America, we call this a grass sandwich.”
She says, “Yaaah, in Sveden we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it.”
The young blonde bride made her first appointment with a gynecologist and told him that she and her husband wished to start a family.
“We’ve been trying for months now, Doctor, and I don’t seem to be able to get pregnant,” she confessed miserably.
“I’m sure we’ll solve your problem,” the doctor reassured her.
“If you’ll just take off your clothes and get up on the examining table.”
“Well, all right, Doctor,” agreed the young woman, blushing, “but I’d rather have my husband’s baby.”
A small tourist hotel was all abuzz with an afternoon wedding in which the groom was 95 and the bride was 23.
The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.
But, lo and behold, the next morning the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.
She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, “Whatever happened to you, my dear? You look like you’ve been wrestling an alligator!”
The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, “Ohhh God! He told me he’d been saving up for 75 years and I thought he meant his money!!”
Q. What’s the best form of birth control after 50?
A. Nudity.
This guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex.
“Doc, I think my dick is just too damn small,” he says.
The doctor asks him which drink he prefers.
“Well, Japanese beer,” he replies, quite bemused.
“Aaaahhh. There’s your problem, they shrink things, those silly Japanese beers. You should try drinking Guinness. That makes things grow.”
Two months later the guy returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face.
He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him.
“I take it you now drink Guinness?” asks the doctor.
“Oh no, Doc,” replies the man, “but I’ve got the wife hooked on Japanese beer!”
Bedroom Golf
* Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play. Normally one club and two (2) balls.
* Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the holes.
* Owner of the course must approve the equipment before play may begin.
* For most effective play, the club must have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the shaft stiffness before play begins.
* Course owners reserve the right to restrict the shaft length to avoid any damage to the course.
* Unlike outdoor golf, the goal is to get the club into the hole, while keeping the balls out.
* The object of the game is to take as many strokes as deemed necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course in the future.
* It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention being given to the well-formed bunkers.
* Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they may have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player’s equipment for this reason.
* Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.
* Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear, just in case.
* Players are advised to obtain the course owner’s permission before attempting to play the back nine.
* Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the request of the course owner.
* It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
* The course owner will be the sole judge as to who is the best player.
* Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner, and the rules are subject to change. For this reason many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.
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