The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (115 page)
Read The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes Online
Authors: Rudy A. Swale
A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, “Sir, I’m afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the chicken dish. The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house. I’m afraid I’ll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!”
The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food. The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer. A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man’s table and says,
“Listen and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I’ll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I’ll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs, I’ll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I’ll break one of your arms!”
The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird’s rectum, pulls it out and licks it. He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says, “Go ahead!”
Q. How do you know when your wife is really dead?
A. Your sex life is the same but your laundry pile gets bigger.
An old man in the nursing home got a bottle of wine for his birthday. He talked the old lady in the next room into sharing it with him.
After they were both totally bombed, he started groping the old lady and pulling at her clothes. He managed to get her blouse and bra off before she stopped him.
She said, “I can’t do this! I have acute angina.”
The old guy said, “God, I hope so, you’ve got the ugliest tits I’ve ever seen.”
A big sister says to her little brother, “Johnny, do you know why mom and dad have been in their bedroom for the last three days?”
Laughing, Johnny replies, “Yeah!!! Dad asked for Vaseline and I gave him super glue instead!”
Q. Did you hear about the two homosexual judges?
A. They kept trying each other.
Q. What should you give a man who has everything?
A. A woman to show him how to use it.
A man from Texas buys a round of drinks for everyone in the bar as he announces that his wife has just produced a typical Texan baby boy weighing twenty pounds. Congratulations shower all around, and many exclamations of “wow!” are heard.
Two weeks later he returns to the bar. The bartender says, “Say, you’re the father of the typical Texan baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth, aren’t you? How much does the baby weigh now?”
The proud father answers, “Fifteen pounds.”
The bartender is puzzled. “Why? What happened? He already weighed twenty pounds at birth.”
The Texan father takes a slow sip from his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans over to the bartender and proudly announces, “Had him circumcised.”
One day a single mother was in the supermarket with her four children who were playing around. They were running around grabbing items off the shelves, crying and screaming all over the place. The mother cornered them and said, “I should have swallowed all of you!”
The wedding date was set and the groom’s three pals—a carpenter, an electrician and a dentist—were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.
The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a chuckle or two. The electrician decided to wire the bed—with alternating current, of course. The dentist wouldn’t commit himself, but wore a sly grin and promised it would be memorable.
The nuptials went as planned, and a few days later, each of the groom’s buddies received the following note:
Dear friends,
We didn’t mind the bed slats being sawed and the electric shock was only a minor setback, but Jesus, I’m going to kill the guy who put anesthetic in the Vaseline!
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Englishman on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives. “Last night I made love to my wife four times,” the Frenchman bragged, “and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me.”
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