The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (109 page)
Read The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes Online
Authors: Rudy A. Swale
The guy said nervously, “Uh, yeah, Mom, that’s right.”
His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, whacked him over the head with her spoon and said,
“Don’t you EVER complain about my cooking again!!!”
Once there was a sperm named Bob. When all the other sperm were just swimming around, Bob was doing sprints and lifting weights. One day, the other sperm gathered around and asked him, “Why don’t you just swim around like us?”
Bob replied with a smirk, “Well, when the time comes, I’m going to be the first one there.”
The others told him it was just destiny, but he said it wasn’t. It was, according to Bob, survival of the fittest.
So the day finally came when they were called upon. They were swimming along with Bob pulling way ahead of the rest. Suddenly he stopped, turned around and headed back.
“What’s up, Bob?” the others asked.
To which Bob replied, “False alarm. Back up, boys, it’s a BLOW JOB!”
The pretty student nervously asked the doctor to perform an unusual operation: the removal of a large chunk of green wax from her navel.
Looking up from the ticklish task, the physician asked, “How did this happen?”
“Let me put it this way, Doc,” the girl began. “My boyfriend likes to eat by candlelight.”
One day Little Susie got her first period ever. Having failed to understand what was going on, and being really frightened, she decided to share her trouble with little Johnny. Having found Johnny, she told and showed him what her problem was.
Johnny’s face grew serious and he said, “You know, I’m not a doctor but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!”
A woman with really hairy underarms boards a crowded bus. Unable to find a seat, she settles for hanging onto one of the poles. A drunk man next to her stares at her for three minutes, then tells her, “I love a woman who does aerobics.”
The woman replies angrily, “I don’t DO aerobics!”
The drunk man then looks at the woman and says, “Then how did you get your leg up so high?”
A guy meets this girl in a bar and asks, “May I buy you a drink?”
Looking unimpressed at the man she replies, “Okay, but it won’t do you any good.”
A little later, he asks, “May I buy you another drink?”
“Okay, but it still won’t do you any good.”
He invites her up to his apartment and she replies, “Okay, but it won’t do you any good.”
They get to his apartment and he says, “You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I want you for my wife.”
She says, “Oh, that’s different. Send her in.”
A group of first-year medical students is gathered around an operating table for their first anatomy lesson with a dead body.
“As a doctor, you’ll need to develop two key skills,” the professor begins. “The first is stoicism. You can’t be disgusted by anything involving the human body.”
The professor then rolls the body over, sticks his finger into the corpse’s ass, withdraws it and sticks his finger in his mouth.
“Now do the same,” he instructs.
The horrified students hesitate, but eventually take turns dipping a finger into the cadaver’s anus and then sucking on it.
When everyone has finished, the professor continues, “The second skill is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and then I sucked on my index finger. Pay attention.”
A woman sought the advice of a sex therapist, confiding that she found it increasingly difficult to find a man who could satisfy her, and that it was very wearisome getting in and out of short-term relationships. “Isn’t there some way to judge the size of a man’s equipment from the outside?” she asked earnestly.
“The only foolproof way is by the size of his feet,” counseled the therapist.
So the woman went into town and proceeded to cruise the streets until she came across a young man standing in an unemployment line with the biggest feet she had ever laid her eyes on. She took him out to dinner, wined and dined him, and then took him back to her apartment for an evening of wild sex.
When the man woke up the next morning, the woman had already gone but by the bedside table was $40 and a note that read, “With my compliments, take this money and go out and buy a pair of shoes that fit you.”
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