The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes (108 page)
Read The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes Online
Authors: Rudy A. Swale
A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the bedroom. He found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep. Not to be denied his marital rights, the horny husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her. Afterward, he hurried downstairs for something to eat and was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee.
“How’d you get down here so fast?” he asked. “We were just making love!”
“Oh my God,” his wife gasped. “That’s my mother up there! She came over and complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for awhile.” Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. “Mother, I can’t believe this happened. Why didn’t you say something?”
The mother-in-law huffed, “I haven’t spoken to that bastard for 15 years and I wasn’t about to start now!”
A limousine was taking the beautiful, raven-haired model to the airport. Halfway there, the front tire went flat. The model said, “Driver, I don’t have time to wait for road service. Can you change it yourself?”
The driver said, “Sure.” He got out of the car and proceeded to change the tire, but couldn’t get the wheel cover off.
The model saw him struggling and asked, “Do you want a screwd river?”
He said “Sure! But first I have to change this tire.”
Q. Why is a woman’s pussy like a warm toilet seat?
A. They both feel good, but you wonder who was there before you.
One day, Elephant and Camel get talking. During the conversation Elephant says, “Camel, if you don’t mind me asking, how does it feel to spend your life walking around with a huge set of tits on your back?”
Camel replies, “No, I don’t mind at all, but it is a silly question coming from someone with a huge dick on his face!”
A man and a woman are at a bar having a few beers. They start talking and soon realize they’re both doctors. After an hour the man says, “Hey, how about if we sleep together tonight? No strings attached.”
The woman doctor agrees to it. They go back to her place and he goes into the bedroom. She goes into the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she’s about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good ten minutes. At last, she goes into the bedroom and they have sex.
Afterward, the man says, “You’re a surgeon, aren’t you?”
“Yes,” says the woman, “how did you know?”
“I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started,” he says.
“That makes sense,” says the woman. “You’re an anesthetist, aren’t you?”
“Yeah, how did you know?” asks the man.
The woman replies, “Because I didn’t feel a thing.”
“Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?” a little girl asked.
“No, I don’t think so. Fifi is in heat,” replied the mother.
“What does that mean?” asked the child.
Embarrassed and not wanting to get into a biological discussion with her young daughter, the Mother said, “Oh, just go ask your father. I think he is in the garage.”
The little girl goes to the garage and says, “Dad, may I take Fifi for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said that Fifi was in heat, and that I had to come talk to you.”
Not wanting to have the biological discussion either, the father said, “Bring Fifi over here.” He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog’s rear end with it. “Okay, now you can go for a walk but keep Fifi on the leash and you can only go around the block once.”
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog.
“Where is Fifi?” her father asked.
“She should be here in a minute,” advised the daughter. “She ran out of gas about halfway down the block and another dog is pushing her home.”
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, “I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.”
The woman says, “I’ll miss you.”
A young, attractive woman thought she might have some fun with a stiff-looking military man at a cocktail party, so she walked over and asked him, “Major, when was the last time you had sex?”
“1956,” was his reply.
“No wonder you look so uptight!” she exclaimed. “Major, you need to get out more!”
“I’m not sure I understand you,” he answered, glancing at his watch. “It’s only 20:14 now.”
A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, “Mom, I have something to tell you. I’m gay.”
His mother made no reply nor gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she’d heard him when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, “You’re gay. Doesn’t that mean you put other men’s penises in your mouth?”
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