The Fragile Fall (13 page)

“Yeah.” We got off the phone a few minutes later. I told Jax what she said and we both decided to give Will some time. It seemed he needed it.

Later that night, I was in my room, sitting on the little bench in front of my window and staring outside. I was supposed to be working on a paper, but my thoughts were too scattered to form coherent thoughts. Will turned onto our street, running yet again. I watched until he was out of sight, my chest aching the entire time. My fingers rested on my lips, feeling the ghost of his lips against mine. Anytime I thought about the kiss, my lips tingled and it felt like he was right there with me.

Except he wasn’t.

I stared at the empty street for a few minutes, then went back to working on my paper. I kept getting up and going back to the window, hoping to catch a glimpse of Will. Finally, I took my laptop to the bench and sat there, but instead of looking at my screen, I stared out the window. I didn’t like that he was running at night. There were too many potential dangers.

I was engrossed in my paper when I saw him out of the corner of my eye. I looked at the clock to see how long he was gone—two hours. It was almost midnight. Rushing to my window, I saw him stretching in his driveway. I wished he would tell me what he was running from so I could help him. Maybe if he talked about what was eating him up inside, he’d start to feel better.

But I couldn’t force him.

I hated watching him suffer in silence.

Will

I
WAS
OUT
RUNNING
, trying to clear my head. I needed the escape.

All week I’d made sure to get to any classes I had with Jax right before the bell rang, then left as soon as the class was over, effectively avoiding him. I got permission to use the track at lunch so I could avoid him then as well, and I had ridden the bus to school all week. I wasn’t going to rely on Jax. I was sick of relying on people.

Ry and Jax hadn’t made it easy to avoid them. I got texts and calls all day, plus they showed up at the door. If Aunt Liv was home, I told her I was working on a project and didn’t want to be distracted, and if she wasn’t home I just ignored them. I thought after a few days, they would get the point, but it didn’t seem to be working. They had started standing outside at my usual running times, so I had to vary the times when I left. Avoiding them had become a job, but I couldn’t stand having them pity me. I hated that they knew how messed up I was.

After the first time I’d cut, I found myself cutting more often. I couldn’t avoid it. Running and cutting had become my escape, my vices. I couldn’t live without either of them and, unfortunately, I knew I took them to unhealthy levels. Every chance I got, I was outside running. Anytime I was in the bathroom for any length of time, I found myself cutting. It was inevitable and I hated it. It brought me calmness. I couldn’t stop.

Both of my arms were covered in cuts. It was a good thing the weather was cooler and I could get away with wearing long sleeved shirts all the time because there was no way I’d hide them otherwise.

I rounded the corner, running toward Aunt Liv’s driveway. I hated that I couldn’t think of it as my home, but it wasn’t. I didn’t have a home anymore. In the driveway, I stopped, doubled over, and tried to catch my breath. Normally, I ran for an hour or two, but today I’d pushed it to three. I needed to clear my head from all the stuff that had been swirling around and I hoped the extra running would allow me to avoid cutting. My muscles burned and shook and I was exhausted, but I felt better. I stretched, easing some of the ache in my muscles, lost in my own world.

A voice from behind me startled me. “Good run?”

I looked over my shoulder and saw that Ry was standing right behind me. “Yeah.” I turned back around and continued to stretch. She walked around so she was facing me, making it harder to avoid her. She forced a smile.

“How have you been this week?”

“Fine. You?”

“I’ve been okay, I guess.” She shifted her weight between her feet and looked at something over my shoulder, like she needed to gather courage. There was no way I was going to help her out. I didn’t particularly want to talk to her, but I couldn’t bring myself to be overly rude. “Liv called while you were out running. She invited Jax and me over for dinner.”

“That’s nice.” Aunt Liv had been bugging me about inviting Jax and Ry over for dinner. I kept blowing her off but eventually, I ran out of excuses.

“Are you going to be there?”

“It’s not like I have anywhere else to be.”

She nodded, then looked down at the ground. “I’m sorry about last Saturday.”

“Let’s not talk about it.”

“Okay. I just wanted to say I was sorry. Neither Jax nor I wanted to upset you.”

“Fine.” I finished stretching then opened my water bottle, taking long pulls from it. Her eyes looked everywhere but me.

“I had a favor I wanted to ask you,” she said timidly. I raised an eyebrow in question. “I’m planning a surprise party for Jax’s eighteenth birthday. Since his birthday’s only a few days before Halloween, I’m combining the two and I was hoping you could help me out. I need someone to keep him out of the house for a few hours while I set it up. Would you be willing to help?”

“When’s the party?”

“November first.”

“I’m not sure, Ry.” She winced as though her name on my lips was painful. I wondered how things had gotten so screwed up. Maybe Jax had been right all along. Getting involved with Ry was a bad idea. Not only had I lost Ry, but I’d also lost my best friend.

“I’m not asking you to do much, just keep him out of the house. You guys could go see a movie or something. I’d really like you to be there, and I know Jax would as well. I mean, if you want to come to the party, that is.”

I sighed. No matter what was said and what had happened, I still considered Jax to be my best friend and I still cared about Ry, even though part of me didn’t want to. “Sure. Just let me know when and I’ll help out.”

She smiled, a real smile for the first time since I had started talking to her this morning. “Thanks so much, Will. I’ll see you later, okay?”

“Yep.” She waved and ran into her house. I made my way into the house and was about to head up the stairs to shower when Aunt Liv stopped me.

“I just wanted to let you know I invited Jax and Ryanne over for dinner. I’m making lasagna.”

“You’re cooking?” In the seven months I had lived with her, not once had I seen her cook.

She smiled. “Yeah, I can cook. I just don’t do it often.”

“I can’t wait.” I forced a smile before running up the stairs and into the bathroom. When the door was shut, I collapsed against it. All the tension the run had relieved was back and I was on edge. My eyes fell on my razor sitting harmlessly on the countertop and I was immediately drawn to it, wanting to cut myself open for the release. I needed the release it brought.
Why couldn’t I be stronger?
I picked up the razor, staring at it. It made the feelings that overwhelmed me easier to deal with. It cleared my head and made breathing easier. There was no point in fighting it.

I made a cut across my arm and closed my eyes, both from the physical pain and the relief it brought me. After several, long moments and another two cuts, I climbed into the shower and sagged against the wall. I wasn’t strong enough this time. Would I ever be strong?

I set the salad on the table just as the doorbell rang. Aunt Liv left to open it and anxiety flooded me, making me feel sick. I pushed on one of the fresh cuts, making it throb, the pain lessening the anxiety as Jax and Ryanne walked in. I wished I could go upstairs and bleed it out.

Jax and Ryanne eyed me nervously. I smiled stiffly at them, still running my finger over the cut. Jax watched the movement of my finger over my arm, but I had long sleeves on, so he couldn’t see the cuts that ran up and down my arm.

“Hey, Will,” he said. “It’s been awhile.”

“Yeah, I’ve been busy.”

He nodded. Aunt Liv put the lasagna on the table and told everyone to sit down. They made small talk, but I said nothing as I ran my finger over the cut, wishing I had more relief from the overwhelming emotions. I attempted to eat, though the food felt like a brick in my mouth.

“What are your plans for Halloween this year?” Aunt Liv asked.

“I’m not sure. We normally just hang out with friends,” Jax said, then put a bite into his mouth. “This is the shit, Liv.” Aunt Liv smiled. Ryanne took a bite and moaned, her eyes rolling back in her head.

“Holy shit, Liv,” Ryanne blurted out. “Why in the hell don’t you cook more often? This is the best lasagna I’ve ever had.”

Aunt Liv laughed. “Because I’m a busy woman and cooking for two people is difficult.”

“You can cook for us anytime you want,” Jax proclaimed. He had finished his whole serving and was getting another one.

“I’ll keep that in mind,” Aunt Liv retorted. “What do you want to do for your first Halloween, Will?”

“First?” Ryanne looked at me, eyebrows raised. I pushed harder on the cut.

“I wasn’t allowed to celebrate Halloween. My parents thought it was the devil’s holiday.”

“Shit.” Jax sat back in his chair, rubbing his stomach. “We have to get you all dressed up and full of candy then.”

“Are you having a party?” Aunt Liv asked.

“Maybe,” Ryanne said, her eyes sliding in my direction. “I haven’t decided yet.”

“We should. It’s Will’s first Halloween and I’m turning eighteen a few days before. We need to have a big party.”

“If you need any help, let me know,” Aunt Liv chimed in. She looked at Jax. “And before you ask, Jax, no. I will not get you any alcohol.”

“I wasn’t even going to ask, Liv,” Jax said, feigning innocence and disbelief.

“I’m sure.”

“No alcohol. Don’t worry,” Ryanne reassured. I pushed harder on the cut until I felt it tear open again and the blood began to drip. I closed my eyes.

“You okay, Will?”

My eyes flew open and found Ry. She looked worried. “Yeah, I’m fine.” I pushed back from the table and held my arm close to my body, hoping to hide the sight of the blood from everyone. “I have to run to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.”

In the bathroom, I cleaned the cut and put a fresh bandage on it. I braced my hands on the sink and hung my head, feeling weak, then went and changed my shirt. When I went back to the table, Ry looked at my shirt and gave me a questioning look, but didn’t say anything.

The rest of dinner passed uneventfully. Afterward, we cleaned the kitchen, then Ry and Jax left soon after. Aunt Liv said goodnight and went up to her room, and I climbed the stairs after her.

That dinner had been harder than I thought it would be. Sitting around the table, pretending we were a family and planning to celebrate Halloween, had been excruciating. I shouldn’t have been planning to break more of my parents’ rules by going to a Halloween party. I should have been sitting around our table back home with my parents. Instead, I sat at a table with people who only saw the worst in me.

The brief relief I had experienced by reopening the cut had brought was now gone.

Sadness filled every available space in my body, weighing me down. I walked into the bathroom and picked up the razor, then dragged it across my skin. Inhaling deeply, my lungs expanded with oxygen and relief filled me. The weight lifted from my shoulders and I felt more in control as I watched the blood drip into the sink until the cut on my arm clotted. I cleaned it, then covered it with antibacterial cream and a bandage.

As I walked into my room and collapsed on my bed, I realized one thing.

I would
never
be strong.