The Fragile Fall (9 page)

I swallowed.

Hard.

She cleared her throat and I realized I had been staring at her lips the entire time. I looked away and cleared my own throat. “It was fine. Busy, but it’s getting easier.” I took a big gulp of my smoothie and my eyes burned and my brain ached. My eyes twitched and I pinched the bridge of my nose.

When Ryanne realized what was going on, she giggled again. “Brain freeze?”

“Yeah.” When my brain finally thawed, I broke the silence that had descended around us. “How is life for you?”

She lit up and told me about classes and things going on with her friends. I liked how animated she became and how happy she seemed to be that someone took an interest in her.

She took a sip of her smoothie and straightened. “This is good, isn’t it?” she asked.

“What’s good?”

“This. Us hanging out.”

“Yeah, it’s good.” We sat in silence for a few minutes. “I didn’t realize this mall was so big.” I felt like I was falling back into the same old awkward conversation, but I didn’t know what to say.

“Yeah, I guess it is pretty big.” Her foot bumped into my shin and her smile widened.

My heart ached. I ached in ways I had never really experienced before. I ached to be close to her. There was no way to deny it.

I was falling for Ryanne.

I always thought love was a grand thing, something that came after hours spent talking about favorite things and boring normalcies. I thought you had to spend so many hours together and know each other inside and out before love even began to blossom, but it wasn’t something that blossomed with time. It was swift and all-encompassing.

And irreversible.

“You okay?” Ryanne asked as I shifted in my chair.

“Yeah. Just thinking.”

“I invited you out so we could talk. So…talk.”

“I’m not sure what to talk about.”

“Start with what had you upset the other day.”

I felt deflated. “It’s nothing important.” I was too embarrassed to say anything to Ryanne about Jax’s comment and finding someone worth putting crappy music on my iPod for. And how I knew I couldn’t go there. Ever.

“It is if it made you that upset. I just want to help.” Ryanne reached her hand out and rested it on top of mine. I closed my eyes, absorbing the heat and the sensations.

“Jax was just messing around. Sometimes I get too sensitive.” I fought the urge to turn my hand over and wrap my fingers around hers.

“Jax is always messing around and you don’t get so upset. Spill it.”

I sighed, realizing she wasn’t going to let it drop. “He was talking about what it was like to have a girlfriend, the kinds of things you sacrifice or do for her, and I know I’ll never have that.”

Ryanne sat back in her chair and furrowed her eyebrows. “Why?”

“I’m messed up, Ryanne. Like, a lot. I have so many things going on that no one will ever want to take the time to be involved with me.”

“Don’t sell yourself short.”

“I’m not. I’m realistic.”

“No, you’re pessimistic.” She sat forward again, her hand centimeters from mine, and I swore I could feel the heat of her skin. “Any girl should be glad to be considered worthy by you. You have so many good things going for you, Will. Seriously. Don’t get down and count yourself out before you even put yourself in the race.”

I didn’t agree with her and I didn’t want to keep talking about it, so I decided to turn it into a joke. “The race, huh?” I smirked at her. “What race is this?”

She laughed and stood. “Come on, speed racer. Let’s go walk around a bit. We have a phone to purchase.”

Will

M
OST
DAYS
IT
WAS
HARD
to get out of bed.

Memories I thought I had suppressed were resurfacing and it was tearing me apart. It was getting harder and harder to pretend I was okay when every smile was fake and every laugh hurt. I was physically and emotionally exhausted, and every time I tried to fall asleep I was assaulted by memories or woken up by horrible nightmares.

The guilt was debilitating.

I couldn’t escape the fact that my parents were dead and I had killed them. Nothing would ever take that back. I started having panic attacks at the most inopportune times, but I hid the attacks from everyone, including Aunt Liv. I didn’t her to worry about me more than she already did.

I would never be normal because a normal person wouldn’t kill his parents.

Will

T
HE
REST
OF
S
EPTEMBER
FLEW
BY
. Going to public school was completely different from homeschooling. I had different teachers with different teaching styles and personalities and a ton of homework, but the thing that I had the most trouble getting used to were the other students. It was strange being around people my own age when I was so used to being around adults. I found the majority of them immature and annoying, but that was to be expected. So much of my life had been spent around adults.

The buzz around school was homecoming. Jax was going with Lindsey, of course. I wasn’t planning on going because the only person I wanted to go with was Ryanne and Jax had made it very clear that Ryanne and I were supposed to be strictly friends. I was trying to respect that because I didn’t want to come between Jax and his sister, even though it was a struggle to respect his wishes.

“What are your homecoming plans?” Stacey asked. She had been flirting with me pretty constantly, though I never encouraged her. I knew she had turned down a few people hoping I’d ask her, but I listened to Jax’s advice. Something about her rubbed me the wrong way and I didn’t want to invest more time than necessary in awful people.

“I’m not planning on going.”

“What? You aren’t going to homecoming?”

“Why? Are you inviting me?”

Jax laughed. “Shit. I’m a bad influence. Listen to you being a smart ass.”

“What can I say? I learned from the best.” I smiled, feeling oddly proud of myself.

“Damn right. Linds and I are going to the dance. I wasn’t sure if you were asking anyone.”

“I don’t know who I’d ask.”

“Anyone you want.”

“I don’t want to be a pity date.”

“Who do you want to go with?”

I wanted to go with Ry.

I thought Lindsey was annoying and fake, but I didn’t forbid Jax from dating her. Why should I let him stop me from asking Ry? But I lacked the courage to stand up to him. “I’m not sure.”

“Most of Lindsey’s friends already have dates or I’d hook you up with one of them,” Jax said. He looked around the cafeteria. “Most of the hot girls already have a date since the dance is a week away.”

“It’s not a big deal. I don’t have to go.”

“Fuck that. Let me ask around. I’ll see if I can find you a date.”

“You can ask me,” Stacey said, batting her eyes at me. For some reason, she thought that made her look attractive. I thought she looked like she had something in her eye. Suddenly, I felt trapped. How could I get out of this? There was no way I could suffer through an entire evening with Stacey. It was time to make a stand against Jax. If it were a choice between upsetting Jax or spending time with Stacey, I’d rather upset Jax.

I inhaled deeply, gathering courage. “There is someone I’m interested in asking.”

“Oh, yeah? Who?”

My heart raced and I felt like I was going to throw up. “What about Ryanne?”

Jax stiffened and the smile slipped from his face. “Ry?”

“Yeah. I mean, if that’s okay with you.” I found it hard to get enough air into my lungs, scared of what his reaction would be. Stacey’s face twisted in disgust, but I didn’t care. I wanted one night where I could be with Ry, holding her close, spending time with her. Being with Ryanne would make upsetting Jax and ticking off Stacey totally worth it.

He ran his hand through his hair, then rested his head in his hand. “Fuck,” he said under his breath.

“If you aren’t okay with it, that’s fine.”

Jax sighed and lifted his head. He looked physically pained. “I guess that would be a good option. I’m sure she’d like to relive her glory days.”

“Are you sure you’re okay with it?”

“Yeah, go for it.” He smiled stiffly as though he wasn’t totally sure. I knew he didn’t like the idea, but I couldn’t help feeling victorious. I fought to keep my totally sincere smile off my face.

Stacey huffed, picking up her food and stomping away. Jax rolled his eyes, at least until Lindsey glared at him, clearly upset. “That was an asshole move, Jaxon. You know she wanted Will to take her to the dance.” She stood and put her hands on her hips.

“He wasn’t interested in going with her. What do you want me to do, force him? That’s kind of a dick move, too, Linds.”

She stomped her foot. “No, but you’re my boyfriend and she’s my best friend. You’re supposed to be on my side.” She was whining. I don’t know how Jax was able to stay with her. She was completely ridiculous.

“And he’s my best friend. I’m not forcing him to go out with someone that we both can’t stand.”

“Fine!” she exclaimed, turning on her heel and stomping away. Jax watched her go before turning back to me.

“That was pleasant,” he said.

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to cause issues with you and Lindsey.”

“Forget it. She’d be pissed off no matter what.” He shrugged and stood. “I’ll see you later.” He left the lunchroom, leaving me alone.

I pulled my cellphone out and stared at it. There was no going back from this. I was about to ask Ryanne out. Maybe it wasn’t a traditional date, but it was a night out. Together. My hands shook from nerves as I pulled her number up and started a text.

Will: Hey, Ryanne, I have a question to ask you.

She responded right away.

Ryanne: What’s up?

Will: Would you be interested in going to homecoming with me? I mean, if you aren’t busy and you don’t think it’s totally lame.

Ryanne: When is it?

Will: Next Friday.

Ryanne: Let me check my overfilled social calendar.

I held my breath. My phone vibrated after a few minutes.

Ryanne: Sure, I’d love to go to homecoming with you :)

Will: Thanks.

I sat there, staring at my phone and I couldn’t fight a small smile of victory. She actually said yes.

Ryanne seemed genuinely excited. She went out with Courtney and picked out a dress, telling me I wasn’t allowed to see it until homecoming, and presenting me with a tie that matched. I felt like my stomach was being turned inside out. I had never been to a dance before and I had no idea what I was supposed to do.

Would she expect me to kiss her?

What was I supposed to wear?

What if she laughed at how horrible of a dancer I was?

I felt incredible pressure to make this dance mean as much to Ryanne as it did to me. It meant everything. I wanted it to be a turning point for us, one where we could show Jax that she and I could be together without ruining any relationships.