The Fragile Fall (8 page)

I nodded and went to my class. Jax came off like he didn’t care much about anyone, though he always had my back and I was glad I had him. It made changing my whole life easier to deal with. Besides, I had no idea what it was I needed to learn.

As the day went on, I realized how drastically the new clothing changed things. Girls I’d never met before were coming up to say hi, and one even asked me out, but I wasn’t happy with my newfound popularity. I had no desire to know anyone who was that fake.

After school, Ryanne was about to climb in her car when we pulled into the driveway. “Hey, Will, how’d today go?” she asked.

“Okay.” I shrugged. I didn’t want to say too much. My feelings had changed toward Ryanne. Sure, I’d thought she was beautiful the first time I saw her, but when she told me I could be true to myself without forgetting my parents, my feelings became more intense. I saw her in a new light. She talked to me like she really cared, like I wasn’t insecure and annoying.

I wanted her.

I wanted her to be my friend, and I wanted to be able to hold her and touch her and say she was mine.

“Just okay?” The sound of hope in her voice wasn’t completely muffled.

“Yeah.” I gave her a half smile but really I wanted to grin and fist pump that this beautiful girl in front of me seemed to care.

“Oh, shut the fuck up, Will,” Jax said. He slammed his car door. “A ton of girls threw themselves at him and Will showed absolutely no interest.”

Ryanne smiled, though it didn’t reach her eyes. “Make them work for it,” she said. “I have to head to class. You boys be good.”

I watched her climb in her car and drive away.

“Hey, dumbass, you going to stand there all night or are you going to come in?” Jax yelled from the front door when Ryanne’s car was out of sight.

“Yeah.” I ran a hand through my hair and grabbed the back of my neck as I walked into his house. I had no idea what to do about Ryanne. The feelings I had for her were getting stronger and I had been trying to deny them to myself, but I was finding it impossible. The way she looked at me like I was someone special made me want to be someone special to her. I wanted to cause her face to light up in a smile and I wanted to be the one to dry her tears when she cried.

I tossed my book bag onto a chair and followed Jax into the kitchen. He turned around and punched me in the arm. “I will impart some of my wisdom when it comes to females as long as you don’t turn it around and use it on my sister, you jackass.” He hit me in the shoulder again.

“Ow.” I rubbed my arm. He’d punched me so hard that my arm burned.

“You deserve it for giving my fucking sister those eyes.” He stomped over to a cabinet and pulled down a package of cookies.

“What are you talking about?”

“If you weren’t so God damned clueless, I’d be so pissed at you right now.” He shoved the cookie package closer to me. “You were looking at my sister like you wanted her to be your dinner, like she was the Promised Land and you were ready to discover it.”

“I was not.”

“Fuck, Will. Yeah, you were. And you always look at her like that. Luckily, her head is even farther up her ass than yours is.” He hopped up on the counter. “Typically, girls like that look. It makes them go all crazy and shit. If you want a girl to be interested in you, give her that look and you will have her eating out of the palm of your hand.”

“I guess that would be helpful if I even knew what look you were talking about.”

“Shit.” He was swearing a lot more than usual, which showed how annoyed and uncomfortable he was. “This is going to sound ridiculous, but it’s true, so bear with me.” He ran a hand down his face, clearly frustrated. “When you see a girl you think is really hot and that you are interested in, there’s a look you get on your face. I don’t mean you specifically, I mean guys in general.” He shoved a hand through his hair. “This is so incredibly awkward.”

I swallowed, trying to hide my embarrassment. “My mom used to call it ‘the smolder’.”

“That’s a stupid ass name, but it’ll work for our purposes.”

“I looked at Ryanne that way?”

“Yeah, and I suggest you cut that shit out.”

I stood, unmoving as Jax stalked from the room. I had no idea how to process what he said or what to do. I knew Jax was protective of his sister, but I hadn’t realized he was
that
protective.

I craved Ryanne.

But she was out of reach.

A week later, I was sitting in Jax’s room after school. He was blasting some techno music and playing air drums as he sat in a chair and rolled around, head banging. I gave up trying to study and laughed as I watched his performance. I found myself doing that a lot around Jax and I often forgot about whatever was bothering me. He brought me out of my head and I enjoyed the moment, usually because he was doing something completely ridiculous like he was now.

The song ended and he rolled his chair back over to his desk, brushing hair out of his eyes as he grinned. “I hate that fucking song.”

I laughed. “You knew every word. And you totally jammed out to it.” I tossed my pencil on my book. “And it was on your iPod.”

He shrugged. “Lindsey likes it. One day you’ll understand putting shitty songs on your iPod just because it makes your girlfriend happy.”

My smile faded and I turned back to my homework. The only girl I was interested in was Ryanne and Jax had told me to stay away from her. I tried to pretend that didn’t sting as much as it did, but I wasn’t very successful. Jax started a new song on his iPod and I was relieved that line of conversation ended before it went any farther. I heard his door open and I turned to find Ryanne standing in the doorway, her arms crossed over her chest and her eyebrow raised.

“Aren’t you supposed to be doing homework or something? Not whatever it is you’re
actually
doing?” She tried to sound stern, but the smile sliding over her lips gave her away.

“Sometimes my awesomeness just builds up and it needs to be released with a drum solo.”

“Awesome drum solos do not earn you good grades.”

“My grades are fine, my dearest sister. In fact, you interrupted the actual studying.”

“Less jamming, more work.” Her eyes slid over to me and her eyebrows furrowed. I turned away for a moment, trying to hide how I was really feeling. When I finally looked back at her, I saw compassion in her eyes and a desire to understand. I wished she could understand. Maybe then
I
would understand too.

“Hey, Will, can you come help me reach something down in the kitchen?” She motioned behind her.

“Sure.” Jax turned back to his work and I followed Ryanne downstairs to the kitchen. “What do you need help with?”

“Sit down with me a minute.” She sat at one of the tall stools at the kitchen island and gestured for me to sit in the other one. I cautiously walked over and sat next to her. “I don’t know what has you upset, but I wanted to tell you that I’m here for you. I know you’re going through a lot right now, but you aren’t alone.”

“Yeah, thanks.” I didn’t know what she was getting at, but I felt a strange tugging in my heart.

“I’m really fucking this up.” She grabbed a strand of her hair and twirled it. “Listen, I’m not going to get all feel good on you, and I’m not going to sprout a lot of bullshit I’m sure you’ve heard before.” Her eyes swept over me and she seemed to make up her mind about something. “What’s going on? You seem really upset. I thought I’d walk into that room and see you and Jax acting like idiots, but instead, Jax was staring at you like he had never seen you before and your nose was buried in your book.”

“Nothing, I was just trying to study.” I grabbed a napkin off the counter and folded it.

“Bullshit.” She leaned back in her chair. “I won’t bullshit you if you don’t bullshit me and I smell bullshit.”

I sighed. “I’m not sure why you care.” I shot a glance over at her, trying to gauge her reaction, and her face softened. She put her hand over mine, stilling my movements with the napkin. Sparks raced up my arm from where she touched me. That happened every time we touched, whether it was an intentional touch or accidental, and it confused me.

“I care because you’re a good person who has had really shitty luck. I don’t know everything that has happened to you, but I know enough to understand why you’re sad. Sometimes, the sadness seems to take over you and it seems like you can’t see through it. I want to be able to help you out. I know guys don’t do all the touchy-feely talk that girls do, and so I know Jax won’t ask you why you’re so sad, but I will. I think you need to know someone cares.”

I nodded slowly. She made sense. I felt incredibly alone and I didn’t know what to do about it. Even though I considered Jax, Ry and Courtney my friends, I still felt alone. No one knew the real me and I
craved
that. I wanted someone to know the inner turmoil that ripped me apart every day. Maybe Ryanne could be that person.

She leaned down until she caught my downcast eyes. “You aren’t alone, Will, and I have faith in you. I know things seem hard right now, but you’ve shown incredible strength so far. You’ve lost your family and relocated to live with an aunt you didn’t really know. You started public school and you’ve been making friends.” She squeezed my hands. “I think you need to hear how well you’ve done, and how much of a survivor you really are. It’s easy to forget how many great things you’ve accomplished when you’re grieving so hard. ”

She let go of my hand and I immediately missed her. My traitorous eyes stung with tears. I was tired of being an emotional wreck. I was a guy; I wasn’t supposed to cry. “Thanks,” I said, my voice thick with tears.

“I’m not trying to upset you. I’m just trying to help you.” She sighed. “Will, I care about you. I see how sad you are and how you are torturing yourself with something. I don’t think you need to torture yourself. Why don’t we hang out sometime? Just you and me. We don’t have to tell Jax. It can be our secret.” She winked at me.

My heart stalled in my chest. Time alone with Ry, without worrying about Jax, was something I’d wanted for a long time. Not only did she want to spend time with me, but she cared about me. “I’d like that.”

“Good.” She got her phone out of her pocket. “Give me your number and I’ll text you.”

“I don’t actually have a cell phone.”

She raised an eyebrow. “Are you kidding me?”

“No.” I looked around the room, uncomfortable and embarrassed. “My parents never let me have one, and Aunt Liv offered to get me one when I moved in with her, but I refused.”

She shook her head. “Damn. We need to get you a phone. That’s on the agenda for Saturday. In the meantime, I’ll call the house phone.” She smiled and squeezed my shoulder before walking into the living room.

I went upstairs, excited about hanging out with Ry … alone. Other than that brief amount of time in the pool, we always had people around, and I wondered what it would be like to be with her and not have to worry about Jax watching our every move.

“We’re going to do it up big time! Like a couple of kids.”

Ryanne giggled as we found an empty table in the busy food court. I chuckled with her. When she heard my laughter, her eyes sparkled and she laughed harder. My heart squeezed, my lungs seized and I found it impossible to look at anything but her. She looked like an angel with her eyes shimmering, her hair framing her face and her laughter ringing through the air. It felt like a complete cliché and a total movie moment, but it was
my
moment, so I grabbed it and held onto it tightly. I didn’t think the moment could get any better.

Then…

She snorted.

She immediately stopped laughing and held a hand up to her nose, her eyes wide with shock. “Oh, my God. That is so embarrassing! I’m so sorry.”

“That is probably the cutest thing I have ever seen or heard in my entire life.” Her eyes widened even more, and I was pretty sure my heart had just vomited all over the table. Something about being out with Ryanne, just the two of us out on some kind of secret rendezvous, had killed my filter.

She smiled. Her smile was the sweetest freaking smile I had ever seen. I wanted to touch her skin and run my hands through her hair. I ached to see if her lips felt as soft against mine as they looked. I wanted to stare into her green eyes and never move again. “Thanks. So how was the rest of your week?” She ripped a piece of the pretzel off and popped it in her mouth. Her tongue darted out and licked the corner of her mouth to get some of the cinnamon and sugar mix off her lip.