The Essential Guide to Gay and Lesbian Weddings (58 page)

The pronouncement
is the “I now pronounce you—whatever” part, the public proclamation that you now are united in the eyes of your community, a higher power, and so on. If you're changing your names, you get introduced for the first time using the new ones.

The closing
of the ceremony covers the kiss, the benediction (blessing your union), and the recessional (your exit).

It's becoming more common in nongay weddings for brides and grooms to prepare a program that's distributed at the ceremony. This explains the meaning of various traditions and practices that take place during the ceremony, helping to make it more meaningful for those who have not yet been to, say, a Greek Orthodox wedding. Even if your ceremony isn't the first same-sex wedding some of your guests have attended, a program may be in order.

The program can also contain the names of your attendants and who they are or even how you met them, a poem, a special note to your guests, and your vows. Have them handed out by some of your “good people.”

One of the first things you need to think about is whether you want the ceremony to deal directly with your being gay. This isn't as odd a concern as you might at first think. We spoke with many couples who didn't feel it necessary to draw attention to their sexuality. Randy told us, “There was nothing at all in our ceremony about us being gay. It wasn't really a conscious decision, but neither one of us wanted the day to be about being gay. Later on, in the toast, it was dealt with, and I guess it was kind of a relief. It did seem that at some point, somebody should at least mention the fact that it was two guys!”

Something else to think about is doing an emotional dry run of the proceedings. Many couples counselors, therapists, and ministers can provide a framework in which to do this. The process developed by Dr. Lois Sprague and Dr. Gwynne Guibord of Los Angeles, which they call an “emotional rehearsal,” can include as many significant members of the wedding party as you'd like. Dr. Guibord told us that “at an event with this emotional impact, often people are not really ‘present' due to the anxiety and excitement. People look back on the day and say, ‘I don't remember that.'” In an emotional rehearsal you physically walk through the ceremony and answer questions such as: Who is sitting in the audience and what do they mean to you? Who isn't in the audience that you wish was there, and why are they missing—death, estrangement? Who are the people standing up for you and what part have they played in your lives? Why did you choose that particular song and what does it mean? Going through this process ahead of time can allow you to experience the moment to the fullest when it finally arrives.

For others, a vital part of the ceremony has to do with the very fact that a same-sex wedding is not yet quite commonplace. Rabbi Julie Green-burgh told us: “As a clergy person, I think it is important to say the words
gay
and
lesbian
from the pulpit during a ceremony. Because it is a very powerful contradiction to people's shame and fear and sense that gays and lesbians don't ‘deserve' to have the same privileges of society and of long-term relationships. So I think it's important to stand up there in my robes and to say that we're celebrating the creation of a new lesbian or gay family.”

If you're not coming from a very specific tradition, you have to make sure that the words you're using are going to be helpful for you as a couple. The ceremony needs to really reflect who you are. And it needs to say the things that you need to say to each other and the things you need to hear.

—Reverend Mary Grigolia

What kind of source material can you use? Anything you love, really. This is one time that plagiarism is okay. Use famous and/or obscure poetry or literature. Quote your favorite songwriter or use lines from
Casablanca.
Borrow a saying from a Hallmark card if it speaks to you.

Some couples sit down with their minister or rabbi months ahead of time to structure the ceremony; others procrastinate until the night before the wedding. Whether you're using an officiant or going it alone, we suggest you leave yourselves plenty of time.

We found that just about everyone writes at least their own vows, or changes some traditional wording around to make the ceremony more personal. Andrea told us: “Once we figured out what we wanted to say to each other, the rest of the process flowed along more easily. By dealing with our vows, we had created the essence of our ceremony: what we felt it would be about and the values we wished to express.”

The heart and soul of the ceremony is the wedding vows.

A vow is just that: a vow. A promise. Or many promises. It's that simple—which makes it that complicated. Your vows are your contract, the pact between you and your partner that becomes the basis of your marriage. Your vows are the ground rules for the rest of your relationship.

You may be comfortable expressing yourself on paper, or you may feel as Tommy did, that “it's really hard for me to say what's in my heart since I'm not good at putting words together. So I found words that other people had written.”

One minister we spoke with has a routine that she does with couples at the end of premarital counseling. “I have them sit there for an hour. I tell them that they have to write their vows here and now, and to just write from their hearts. I instruct them to write a covenant of love. It can be just one paragraph but it can't be longer than one page, and they must finish it in that hour. It works every time, because instead of worrying about it, you just
do it.
It's really the primary gift that you're giving your mate; if at any time you ever have trouble, it's impossible to reread it and not believe you're in love.”

You may want to share your vows with your mate ahead of time, or you may opt to keep them a secret until the ceremony. On the one hand, it's nice to read it ahead of time so that you can
really
hear the words when the time comes; on the other hand, it sure makes a great surprise.

Okay, we know you're feeling a lot of pressure about this. So just to get you started, we've put together some.…

Make sure your vows are like you.
They can be humorous, they can be flowery, they can be serious; but whether they're your own words or someone else's, they should reflect
your
sensibilities and personality.

Go easy on the metaphors.
Try to avoid lines like, “You found me adrift on the sea of love and threw me a life preserver,” unless of course you always talk that way.

Be specific.
There's nothing more real or more touching than a groom saying, “I promise to love you even when you snore.”

Less is more.
Watch the length of what you write; try to keep it under three minutes.
Remember that you're going to have to say all those words with a dry mouth.

Stay on the subject.
It's easy to meander when you want to get everything in. Do a little judicious editing-out of anything that isn't truly vital.