The Essential Guide to Gay and Lesbian Weddings (56 page)

There should be one or two designated gofers or “helper bees” to tend to the details—one for the ceremony site and one for the reception site. Their main responsibilities are to coordinate the ceremony rehearsal, whip the wedding party into shape and get them moving down the aisle, do last-minute repair jobs on your hem or straighten your tie, and keep an eye on the caterer. (If you've decided to hire a wedding coordinator or planner, she or he might handle some of the helper bee's workload.)

A priest, a minister, a rabbi, or a combination usually performs the ceremony. Another option is to eschew religious institutions altogether and go with a layperson—for example, a judge who, although possibly not able to make it legal, can in a sense sanction your union just by his or her presence. We've also heard of the ceremony being conducted by “the woman in whose house we first met,” “our professor of philosophy,” “our medicine man,” or “my guru.” And Beth and Patti told us that their “mutual spiritual path has been to spend thousands of dollars on psychotherapy. In light of this we asked each of our therapists to preside at our wedding. We feel that these are the true contemporary ministers, those who have
helped us heal and create this kind of committed relationship. Both were highly honored, and one even cried.”

The important thing to remember is this: your ceremony should be conducted by someone who has—or who represents an institution that has—some meaning in your life.

Aside from being a calming captain for the voyage, an experienced professional can give you the basic outline for the ceremony; then all you have to do is fill in the blanks. Randy told us that when he and Joe sat down with their good friend (who also happens to be a Jesuit priest) to talk about the ceremony, “he helped us structure it. I remember him telling us, ‘This is my job; think of me as the emcee of this event.' He also asked us to tell him about some of the guests who would be there, and our relationship to them—because he wanted to write for his audience.”

There are varying degrees to which officiants will become involved in planning the ceremony. Some will give you input on every last line and will work with you to choose and interpret symbols and scripture. You may trust your officiant to the point where you may not feel the need to approve the ceremony in advance. Aletha and Janette spent a great deal of time with their minister to let her know what kinds of things they'd like to have included, but chose to be surprised by the specifics on the wedding day.

Some officiants will require you to attend counseling sessions before they commit to presiding over the union. The sessions often deal with potential road bumps that you may face as a couple. Or you might not spend much time at all with your officiant before the ceremony; sometimes all it takes is a phone call or two to iron out the details. If at all possible, try and get a little quality time with your officiant—invite her or him over to dinner, and tell the story of your lives together. (Don't you just love telling it? And doesn't it seem that you're just not asked often enough?) Whether any of that information makes it into the ceremony is irrelevant; it will provide great background material for your officiant's sense of what makes your relationship work.

There's also the option of having no officiant, of running the show yourselves. This is being done with some frequency in same-sex ceremonies. It actually is in line with the attitudes of the many religious denominations that maintain that the church doesn't marry you, you marry each other, and the officiant and congregation are your witnesses.

On a practical note, there is almost always a fee involved when a professional performs your ceremony; sometimes it's called a donation, but it is rarely optional. Fees can range anywhere from $50 to $300 and up, and some people charge mileage in addition. Ask about the fee in advance.

If you're fortunate enough to be getting married in a state where same-sex unions are legal, you may still decide to have your ceremony performed by a close friend or family member who is not an official member of the clergy. Here's a roadmap:

All fifty states give specially deputized officiants the right to perform wedding ceremonies, but each county dictates its own specific procedure. Check with your county well in advance to find out what their rules are and what kind of paperwork must be done.

Depending on where you live, your designated officiant can go to a sheriff, judge, or county clerk and request a one-day license allowing her or him to become a deputy commissioner of marriage.

Your officiant can also go online and acquire a lifetime ordination through a religious ministry.

Anyone can be deputized through the church ministries, but some states require that the officiant be over eighteen to legally perform a wedding.

Since many commitment ceremonies are religious or spiritual in nature, we're going to give you a rundown on where some religions stand concerning gay marriages.

Although some religions simply refuse to be associated with commitment ceremonies, many now affirm same-sex unions in varying degrees. One thing is for certain: lesbians and gays who opt for religious ceremonies are having an easier go of it all the time in finding ministers, rabbis, and other mainstream religious leaders to officiate.

Before we launch into the stances of various religions, there is one important note to be made: many mainstream religions today have gay/lesbian offshoots. For example, there are gay synagogues in many cities, not to mention numerous gay and gay-friendly Christian congregations and gay “subdivisions” of many denominations. You are always welcome there and can be assured that the representative clergyperson will be happy to perform a union ceremony. Still, in any traditional religion, you cannot totally divorce yourself from centuries-old practices and policies about homosexuality. So here's a reading on some of the world's religions—and how they feel about you (so you can figure out how you feel about them).

No individual synagogue is required to sanction a same-sex wedding; it is the individual rabbi's call. However, the Reform and Reconstructionist branches of Judaism are most tolerant and welcoming of same-sex unions. In 2006, the middle ground Conservative branch also gave permission for rabbis to perform same-sex marriages. (It is unlikely that an Orthodox rabbi will ever sanction a gay wedding.) The Reform movement tends to make a distinction between the ethical and religious teachings of Judaism, interpreting Jewish practices and beliefs according to Western standards (which may or may not be good news for gays and lesbians). “Reconstructionist Judaism believes that in each generation there is a mandate upon Jews to figure out how to make Judaism work for us today,” says Rabbi Julie Greenburgh of the Jewish Renewal Life Center in Philadelphia. “The logic behind this is that you can't just ‘inherit' a four-thousand-year-old tradition; you have to shape a future.”

The Jewish wedding service is a blend of religious and cultural practices that are often interpreted by each individual couple. At the end of the ceremony, there is the reciting of the Seven Blessings, offered as a means of praising and thanking God for the occasion. Sometimes seven different friends/family members bestow the Seven Blessings on the couple. Lastly, a glass is smashed, and everyone says, “Mazel tov,” or “Good fortune.”

A special note has to be made of the MCC congregations, which have been religious pioneers in serving the lesbian and gay communities around the country. The Universal Fellowship of Metropolitan Community Churches was the first church to recognize the sanctity of a same-sex union, and is believed to have generated the phrase
Holy Union.
MCC has basically no denominational requirements, usually asking only that at least one of you be a believer in the Christian message. There are more than 250 MCC churches across the United States.

Most MCC churches require that the couple have lived together for at least six months before they make the public commitment of Holy Union, that both partners be at least eighteen years old, and that they attend counseling sessions. Reverend Dusty Pruitt, who spent many years with MCC Long Beach, says, “Counseling is the time for the couple to work things out and make sure that this is what they want to do. At the end of it, I still might think they're not right for each other, but if they want to do it, I'll marry them anyway. Who am I to say they're not going to make it? And I've been wrong before.”

MCC ministers have performed Holy Unions in churches, in private homes, and in discos. The
ceremony is closely based on a traditional nondenominational Christian one, but special language has been added that addresses the same-sex issue.

The Society of Friends—usually referred to as the Quakers—have arrived at sundry decisions regarding sexual diversity, union ceremonies, and celebrations of commitment.

There is a history among “unprogrammed” Friends (one of the Quaker branches) to extend recognition of marriage to lesbian and gay couples. The couple applies to be married “under the care of the Meeting”; then every member must reach consensus, or what Quakers call “clearness,” before the marriage can take place. Often, Quaker Meetings are willing to recognize same-sex unions, but some Friends are reluctant to call such unions “marriage.” The clearness process can take months, and appearing before the clearness committee can be compared with undergoing counseling in other religions.

At a monthly meeting in January 1993, Central Philadelphia Friends approved the following statement: “From our belief that there is that of God in everyone flows our testimony on the equality of all persons. Thus, Central Philadelphia Monthly Meeting affirms our willingness to celebrate marriages of all couples, including lesbian and gay, who have a substantial relationship with our Meeting. In each case we will follow the same careful procedure of arriving at clearness in accordance with our traditional procedures. At every stage we intend to treat all couples with respect, care and love.”

In a wedding ceremony under the care of a Quaker meeting, the Friends sit in a circle around the couple, who sit on a “facing bench.” One at a time, people share their thoughts about the occasion. During the service the couple rise, join hands, and make their promises to each other. After the ceremony, the couple get a marriage certificate that has been signed by everyone present.

Way back in 1970, this religion of free faith called for an end to gay and lesbian discrimination; in 1984, it officially recognized gay and lesbian weddings, which are called “services of union.” Its official literature says, “Human loving and human sexuality are not less sacred and good when shared between members of the same sex. The culture and history of gay and lesbian people is important to all society.” This embracing of our culture is why many spiritually minded lesbians and gays turn to the Unitarian Church to get the religious sanction they want for their ceremony, with a dash of freethinking thrown in.

Though Unitarian roots are in the Judeo-Christian tradition, Unitarianism is not a Christian faith; rather, it is a pluralistic religion in which each congregation determines its own affairs.

A Unitarian ceremony can be quite traditionally Christian, or it can incorporate a number of rituals from other religions and philosophies; the important thing is that it is collaborative. Couples spend time with their officiant to decide together what the service will consist of, and are encouraged to build a service that is meaningful to them and that draws from whatever spiritual, religious, or humanistic traditions they share.

Clergy within the United Methodist Church often perform same-sex ceremonies, which can be religious or not, according to the wishes of the individual couple. How long they must have been together depends on both the minister and the couple.