The Essential Guide to Gay and Lesbian Weddings (55 page)

If you're going away immediately afterward, put one person in charge of organizing cleanup.

Don't ask people to double up on jobs; appoint a different person to each specific task, if possible.

It's best if you don't enlist a friend to tend bar. If he or she is not a drinker, chances are your friend won't be very good at pouring drinks; if he or she
is
a drinker, your bartender just might have a few too many and wander off to socialize, leaving the bar unattended.

“I don't know what all the fuss is about. The government shouldn't be involved in this. It's very simple: If you don't believe in same-sex marriage, then don't marry someone of the same sex.”

—
WANDA SYKES

“I find it difficult to believe that a church that blesses dogs in a Virginia fox hunt can't find a way to bless life-giving, lasting relationships between human beings.”

—J
OHN
S
PONG
, Episcopal bishop of Newark, New Jersey

A
LTHOUGH WE LIKE
to think of everything in this book as vital and fascinating, what's coming up here is probably the most important chapter. That's because the ceremony is the cornerstone of a wedding celebration; without it, there would be no reception, no registering, no tuxedos, no showers, no flowers… well, you get the drift. Straight couples with similar religious and cultural backgrounds have fewer big decisions here. (Are we going to quote from
The Prophet?
Who can we get to sing “Wind Beneath My Wings”?) For lesbians and gays, the ceremony has more wrinkles, more texture to it than you can possibly imagine.

And that's because you are still on the cutting edge here, kids. How fortunate you are that there are no rules, no scripts, no long lists of “Have to's” that your mothers will wave under your noses. It's
your
wedding ceremony, and anytime you choose to draw on established traditions, you will be doing so with an acute awareness of why you're doing it, not just because “that's what you do in a wedding.”

If you want a more or less traditional wedding ceremony, substituting two brides or two grooms for the heretofore customary bride and groom, that's great. And if you want to combine traditions and customs from different cultures that you find meaningful, well, that's great too. With gay weddings, there is not yet any true “tradition.” (Although someday there will be, and you're making it right now.) So you get to create your own symbols that are new and appropriate—symbols that reflect your own personal realities, as well as the reality of you as a couple.

One thing we can guarantee is that no matter what your ceremony is like, there will not be many dry eyes in the house. Because not only are you two people joining your lives together, you are also performing an act of bravery in the face of a society that in general has not embraced the magic of your love. Every couple we interviewed responded with some variation on what Rigo said: “We were bawling, and everyone in the church was bawling. It looked like they were all surrendering, there were so many white handkerchiefs.” Oh sure,
any
wedding is emotional… but gay weddings arrive without a sense of inevitability. At this point in our history, rarely does a guest sit through the ceremony thinking,
Ah, I always knew they'd get married someday.

Long after the party is over, the essence of your ceremony—the words, the atmosphere, the love and joy generated—lives on.

A traditional wedding party is also sometimes referred to as “the bridal party” (ugh). It consists of some or all of the following: a maid or matron of honor, bridesmaids, a flower girl, a best man, ushers, a ring bearer, the mother of the bride, the father of the bride, and the groom's parents. Throughout history they have each had their designated job descriptions, but the etiquette of this too has evolved; in modern weddings you're apt to find the bride walking down the aisle unescorted or the couple's golden retriever appearing as the ring bearer. The best man can be a woman, and the maid of honor can be a man. Geez, if the straight world is gender-bending like this, just think of what
you
can do.

We've heard of the participants in a same-sex wedding referred to as guardian angels, the good folks at the altar, honor attendants, our best people, and the inner circle. Call them what you will, they are the people you want close by on one of the most important days of your life.

Selecting the people you would like to participate in your wedding is in some ways like walking through a minefield. If somebody who thought all these years he was your best friend doesn't make the final cut to be an usher, his feelings are going to be hurt. Ask one sibling to participate, but leave the other six out, and some of them will be angry.

When scanning the available pool from which you will eventually pick your wedding party (and we'll get to those job descriptions in a sec), there are certain characteristics you should look for in all of your choices. Some of the adjectives that seem to pop up with regularity in the bride magazines are
cooperative, friendly,
and
cheerful.
The people you choose should also be calm and reliable, because you're going to be so nervous that you want them to be like the Rock of Gibraltar. Here, then, is a rundown on the various bodies you might need.

Some people blanch when the concept of giving a person away comes up, because they associate it with women as property. It all depends on how you look at it. We like to think of it as someone accompanying you to the border you're going to cross as you begin the next part of life's journey. It's like the moment in
The Wizard of Oz
when the Munchkins have led Dorothy safely to the border of Munchkin Land; as soon as she puts that ruby slipper on the Yellow Brick Road, it becomes her own ball game.

If you're particularly close to one or both sets of parents, consider including them in the processional. Beth and Patti told us that when they started planning their wedding, the idea of being given away struck them as “kind of an awful custom… but we've come to think that maybe both of our parents should escort us down the aisle. More attractive to this part of the ritual is rite of passage, the acknowledgment that we are now at a new place in our lives, one of creating family.”

If your parents won't be participating in the ceremony in this fashion, don't despair. Most of us make our friends into our extended family, or our chosen family, and there are probably a number of people that you can consider for the honor of escorting each of you down the aisle. Why not choose your best friend? Or have your
two
closest friends flanking you? A son or daughter from a previous marriage? Jane chose her literary agent, Martin.

The best man is historically the guy you'd want at your side in time of war or conflict; the maid/matron of honor, your closest confidant.

We've come to look at these two roles, no matter what gender you choose to fill them with, as involving people who can help you out ahead of time if need be (so they should probably live in your area) and, most important, those who know you the best—friends who know your tricks, know when you need support, and know when to nail you to the wall if you're being unreasonable.

In days of yore, people who looked after the guests were known as ushers, attendants, and so on—your “good people.” Fill these slots with men or women who are friendly and have stamina. Conventionally, ushers arrive at the wedding site early to make sure everything is in order, accompany people to their seats while partaking in some light banter, and help elderly or out-of-town guests get from the ceremony to the reception. If you're having formal seating, you should think about having at least one usher for every fifty guests.

You may need someone to carry the train of your dress, or people to hold up a chuppah, as well as ring bearers and flower children (who typically are four to eight years old; conventional wisdom says that if they're too young, they cannot be counted on to perform predictably in front of a crowd). The ring bearer usually carries symbolic (read: “fake”) rings on the cushion just in case his footing is a little unsteady. The real rings can be carried by you, your best people, one of your parents, or by your officiant. We've found that in gay weddings these spots are often filled by people who may not be the couple's very closest friends but who hold a special place in their hearts. P.S. If a close friend is coming in from out of town and you want him or her to be part of the ceremony, this role is a simple one to jump into.

There's nothing more touching than having good friends lend their performance skills to the ceremony. But do yourselves a favor and ask only accomplished singers or musicians; the only thing worse than no music is bad music. Performers also include people who will recite or read, tell stories, or reminisce. (They can also come from your supply of “good people.”)