The Body Language Rules (12 page)

go padding off to perform affectionate or passive rituals with other strange animals . If they did they'd be dog meat . So your leakage--that is, body language that gives away what you're really thinking--is likely to involve signals of fear, which in turn will emerge as embarrassment . Your denial signs are likely to include:

I Looking away as you kiss, hug, or greet . This is called

distracted kissing and it looks terrible . Always give

the person you're greeting your undivided attention,

even if it's only for a short span of time . Looking

around signals you've got other, more important

people in your sights .

I hesitation . This is the kiss of death to your charisma

rating . Put simply, charismatics don't do hesitation .

Once you hesitate during a greeting, you're dead in

the water . You'll put your hand up then drop it and

they'll do the same and then you'll both be waving

out-of-sync, floppy arms at one another for the next

century or so . Or you'll go for that third air-kiss and

they'll back away or you'll clunk noses . Go for your

greeting with confidence and be definite about how

it's going to look .

I giggling . This can be prompted by nerves but it

creates paranoia, so try to suppress it if possible .

I Leaping away after your greeting . Jumping like a scalded

cat or even doing a little hand wipe after shaking T O U ch 157

will also signal rejection . And hold that eye contact

for a second after you greet to make it look as though

you're genuinely interested in the other person .

I Bringing your hands up as a semi-barrier . This is like a

knee-jerk defense signal after the openness of your

greeting . Avoid any barrier gestures after you've

finished your ritual . It's easy to fold arms, crotch

cover, raise a glass higher up your torso, or clutch

at your bag after doing a greeting .

I careering . This has nothing to do with job

enhancement; I mean careering as in rushing

off clumsily after you greet someone . It's a classic

mistake, but it causes disaster . You do your greetings,

your brain goes into embarrassment overdrive, you

go to walk your visitor to the elevator and you forget

to take note of your surroundings, crashing into

another employee or the reception coffee table or a

chair . From there it's downhill all the way . Move off

with dignity, don't rush, leap, or do a mid-air leap .

Meetings and greetings need to be polished performances if you're going to avoid the clunky, clumsy stuff that usually occurs during introductions . It's good that there is very little in the way of set etiquette rules, but this can also lead to body language disasters . I often wonder why we pay so little thought to simple rituals like the handshake 158 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

when it's so high impact in terms of instant perceptions . Working on your signals will give you an instant and easy advantage, both in business and at social events .

key PoinTs:

� Touch is a powerful affecter--even subtle touch will need conscious

thought and maybe preparation .

� Touch test whenever possible. Was your touch accepted? Did the

other person signal for you to proceed or back off?

� Work on your greeting touch, like handshakes, hugs, and air-kisses.

These rituals create an important first impression--get them wrong

and you mess up your initial impact .

� Greeting rituals can go wrong if you lack confidence in your

approach . getting your own personal choreography right is

important if you don't want to end up careering or hesitating .

Pa r t T h r e

u sing Body

lAng uAge

in The ReAl

w oRld A

lthough most people recognize the importance of

body language during meeting and flirting processes, it's easy to underestimate its impact on every aspect of our social lives . When we leave work for the day we often rush to get home so that we can drop the "mask" and truly be ourselves . But that constant lack of masking can mean we forget to create body language cues that will help us avoid conflict or relationship breakdown . This part of the book examines some of the pressures of meeting people, 160 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

dating, and mating, and gives advice and tips to encourage long-term success in all your relationships .

d AT i n g

And m AT i n g

T

his chapter focuses on meeting, dating, and mating .

It explains how you first signal attraction and why you're attractive to other people . It will also help you build rapport quickly and help you make yourself more desirable to someone you like .

The PRoCess of ATTRACTion What attracts us to a mate? How long have you got? There's a strange irony to the attraction process that humans somehow fail to get, which is that the factors that we use to define an attractive person are often the factors that guarantee someone will be unlucky rather than lucky when it comes to meeting a mate and sustaining a relationship .

Open any magazine or newspaper and you will see pages of "beautiful" people who fit the perceived criteria for beauty and perfect looks . Almost without exception 162 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

the women will be slim, even just after childbirth, large breasted, and have symmetric, perfect features and an unlined, almost expressionless face .

Any female celebrity is expected to maintain her slim body and unlined face throughout the ageing process to signal youth and breeding ability . Women in their forties, fifties, sixties, and seventies will be expected to avoid "letting themselves go" by using cosmetic surgery to replicate the ideal image, which is something between childhood and adolescence . Models, who don't have to have the acting or performing talent that tends to come with age and experience and can therefore fit this "ideal" profile of beauty, will be roughly between the ages of fourteen and nineteen .

So what's wrong with clear, unlined skin and a toned body? Nothing, if it's natural or at least natural looking . An image of youth is an image of breeding potential, and--in evolutionary terms--it's natural for a male to opt for a female who appears to have many breeding years in front of her .

It is a fact of celebrity life, though, that the most "beautiful" or most "perfect-looking" women, the ones we set up as ideal and whose looks we spend money trying to emulate, are rarely lucky in love or comfortable living alone . Most fall into some hideous dark emotional pit of dating and being dumped, dating and being dumped . D A TI n g An D mAT I n g 163

Now look at women who do seem to find success in their relationships . Often they're less than perfect on the celebrity Richter scale of good looks . There is a huge discrepancy between the women men claim to like and the women men really like . Women that men really like have an added X factor when it comes to signals of attraction . That X factor is called body language . Here's why Barbie-doll perfection can actually repel rather than attract:

I One of the greatest signalers of attraction is the face . In its

normal state the face relays masses of information

to a potential mate, most of it extremely subtle .

Youthful beauty is often deadpan because person-

ality is less of an issue and breeding potential more

important . As a woman gets out of her teens it will

be her facial expressions that have resonance for a

male . He will be extremely attracted to and turned

on by facial movement rather than facial features .

I When we fall in love, nature creates a facial expression that I

call the "Look of Love ." Burt Bacharach wrote a song

around it . It's a dramatic change of facial features

that occurs when you look at the object of your

affection and desire . Your eyes soften, your facial

expression softens, you acquire what can only be

described as a soppy smile and everyone around you

knows you've fallen in love . 164 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

I you also use your face to signal tie-signs . These are all

those small, subtle glances, nods, eyebrow-raises,

and pursing of the lips that any close couple will

use to communicate . They don't need words; these

tie-signs will speak volumes .

So where does a deadpan facial expression fit into this love portfolio? The kind of expressionless face sported by models and some actresses and the kind of facial deadpanning created by Botox is--in romance terms--a signal of being emotionally cut off . For most kids it's the face their mother uses to let them know she's really, really, scarily annoyed . It says, "I have no feelings for you anymore ." It's the face that any husband or wife will know signals the absolute end of a marriage . So lifted, Botoxed, unlined, expressionless faces become part of our Personal Heckling system, signaling "go away" (or worse!) to the guy we're trying to attract by somehow prolonging our youth .

Big breasts on a skinny body might appear to be a man's idea of heaven . Many men read porn and 90 percent of porn features girls who are as skinny as whippets but sporting massive great jugs . This look is seen by many men as their social ideal--that is, the one body shape they can all share a drool over . Men like to keep a tight group allegiance . To this end, they need to be seen to D A TI n g An D mAT I n g 165

admire the same woman . For men it's all about status . The alpha male in a group has to be the one who can pull the best-looking girls, therefore the profile of what's "best looking" needs to be created by consensus and more "deviant" tastes suppressed .

In animal terms the sexiest parts of the female body are the bottom and the vulva . Because humans opted to walk on two legs, thereby hiding both from view, the obsession with breasts and lips began, with rounded breasts and cleavage mimicking the bottom and painted, reddened, pouting lips mimicking the vulva . Ironically women who boost their breasts with silicone and uplift bras are often the same women who also diet to get rid of their butts, therefore luring guys toward something that no longer exists . It's only thanks to celebrities like Jennifer Lopez and Beyonc� that the female bottom has had something of a recent revival .

Body movement is one of the great creators of sexual and romantic attraction . We're attracted to people for many complex psychological reasons, not just because they look like a Barbie or Ken doll and our friends would approve . Your sexual programming is something even you would be hard-pressed to understand, which is why our life mate is rarely someone who could be described as univer- sally attractive . When we see a potential mate we also see echoes from childhood and patterns of behavior, plus the 166 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

visual signals that our subconscious locks into, and the attraction is made . If we only date people we think our friends would approve of we're likely to make some very poor long-term choices .

Men will also be placed under pressure to depict the social ideal image of attraction, but in many ways they're luckier . In a male, attraction is also linked to power . An alpha ape is also the sleekest and best-looking ape in a colony, but in human terms the looks factor isn't always necessary if the guy has money and/or high status . Or even if he has good "fight" potential, which just means he looks like the strongest male in the group . These signals are linked to a time way back in our evolution when the female needed protection while she produced the babies . Male celebrities are likely to be luckier in love than females because their range of "ideal" options when it comes to good looks attraction is far wider . Would a female version of James Gandolfini (star of The Sopranos and no idol in the looks department) have a strong male following? And yet he regularly appears in polls of the sexiest men onscreen .

Flirt signals are a common sight on the celebrity landscape and most leading celebs use them to raise their profile and public desirability by flirting into the camera at key occasions . Often they'll even use a handy partner to "flirt off"; they will smooch and cuddle the partner D A TI n g An D mAT I n g 167

but turn their eyes to the camera at the same time . The message from this type of flirting is clear: it's all part of a public desirability process that has little connection with or concern for the long-suffering partner . If there's no handy member of the opposite sex available, celebrities will happily employ same-sex flirt signals or even smooch up to small pets, like Paris Hilton with her dogs .

genUIne ATTRAcTIOn SIgnALS: hOW TO gIVe Them AnD hOW TO ReceIVe Them I'm often asked about the best way to attract a mate or flirt . Sex sells, and so there's a whole raft of books on the subject; however, most of them tend to bark up the wrong tree . Active flirt signals, the kind of stuff you'd need to read about before launching yourself onto an unsuspecting potential mate, do tend to be a little overly dramatic and often veer into what I can only describe as retro camp, with fluttering eyelashes, self-touch that would have your friends yelling at you to "get a room!" and hair flicking that would send most hair extensions flying off into space .

Forget all the fifties movie star stuff, then, and concen- trate on the subtleties of animal attraction . Most of your genuine signals of attraction will happen instinctively and you probably won't be aware of them; for instance see the following . 168 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

PuPil dilATion When you see someone you like your pupils will dilate . This state of dilation will also make you more attractive to the object of your desire--in tests using sets of identical twins, the one with the dilated pupils was always the one picked out as being more attractive .

BReAThing Once you get into a state of initial arousal your breathing will become marginally more shallow and rapid . This breathy look was perfected by the most famous sex idol of the twentieth century, Marilyn Monroe .

voiCe Another effect of this breathy approach is to lower your vocal tone . A slightly husky voice is always deemed sexier in both men and women . Genuine sexual arousal will cause this naturally .

ARChing of sPine The spine will become slightly more arched in both men and women . This raises the chest and makes it look more predominant, offering a view of bottom mimicry in women and emphasizing alpha strength in men . In women the spine will often arch into an S shape . Kylie Minogue exaggerates this body shape when she appears on stage . It D A TI n g An D mAT I n g 169

has the double advantage of making both the breasts and the buttocks more prominent .

mATe And BReed RiTuAls In men this will mean puffing out the chest and splaying the legs, and in women it's all about hair tossing and smiling . When we are attracted to someone it's hard to suppress a smile . In animal terms this teeth bearing does more than just register empathy and a lack of desire to fight, it also shows off the teeth, which can register good health or poor-quality breeding stock . No wonder cosmetic dentists offering teeth straightening and whitening are so popular!

Blushing Sexual attraction will often produce blushing . This can feel like hell if you're the one with a face like a furnace, but it can make you more attractive to your potential mate . Blushing signals shyness, which in turn suggests virtue and innocence, but at the same time it also mimics the facial flush that occurs during orgasm . Get out the blusher!

eye Buzz When you see someone you find attractive your instinctive desire will be to gaze and appraise . This prolonged, first- glance eye contact is one of the strongest flirt signals in 170 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

your repertoire . By extending your gaze for one second more than the normal time you'll be telling your potential mate a lot of very complex information to do with sex and romance . Modern manners tell us it's rude to stare so you'll probably alternate a prolonged gaze with a dropping of the head and the eyes, followed by the secondary glance upward at the other person . This second glance will confirm your interest in him or her as a sexual partner .

gRooming gesTuRes Seeing someone you find attractive will remind your subconscious that you need to present yourself in the best light . This means self-grooming rituals including hair touching and checking gestures .

All of these rituals will not only let your potential mate know you're interested, but they will also develop his or her interest in you and make both of you appear more attractive to one another at the same time . The phrase "their eyes met across a crowded room" does hold true in current life, as does the concept of love at first sight .

how To Tell if he likes you

I eye-gaze is the first step . He'll catch your glance and

hold it for a half-second longer than normal . Then

he'll look away . Then he'll look back . D A TI n g An D mAT I n g 171

I he should then change his state in some way, either succumbing

to shyness signals like dipping his head, blushing, pulling in his

lips, or having an accelerated pace of movement, sometimes

getting jerky or clumsy . I If he's with his friends they'll all notice his changed state and

will all look over to check you out . I They'll then probably start mock hitting him to ridicule

him . This is a strange male-bonding ritual that is

intended to remind him that male friendships are

more important than girls and sex . I nature will urge him to perform "chest-banging" rituals to show

off his alpha and sexual credentials . The first change will

be a slight puffing of his chest, then a splaying of the

legs . If he's in a confined space or crowd he might also

perform pelvic jiggling or small butt thrusts to show

what he looks like when he's having sex . (I have to

point out these are subconscious responses and very

subtle . Any man who starts dry humping the bar when

he sees you should be given a very wide berth!) I Another form of chest banging is showing off . This will be

rituals like punching his friends playfully or even

wrestling them, throwing peanuts into the air and

catching them in his mouth, laughing loudly, or

drinking too much . I If he comes across to talk you should begin to see signs of

face softening . His behavior and facial expression 172 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

when he speaks to you should be different from